My Dear Stranger (32 page)

 
“You look so beautiful, Sadie. I couldn't keep my eyes off you through the ceremony,” he whispered as he slid down the zipper on the back of my dress.
  Panicking for a second, I pulled away and shut off the light.  With only the glow of the night in our room I hoped Alex couldn't see the bruises he had left on me.
  I didn't know how to hide them forever, but for our wedding night I didn't want Alex to know he had hurt me, because I knew Alex would never forgive himself for hurting me.
  When I walked back to Alex he kissed me deeply.  Taking my face into his hands, he held me to him as he kissed away my anxiety.
  Slipping my empire waist gown down my body he knelt in front of my white slip and kissed my huge stomach.
  “Can we wait?  Do you mind if we wait until later so I can take my time with you?  I don't want to rush and I don't want to think about hurrying back to our reception.  I just want to be with you later when we can take our time.  Do you mind?”  And I didn't for more reasons than Alex could possibly understand.
  “No, I don't mind,” I whispered as I held him tightly to my stomach.
  “Good.  Come here, baby.”  And taking me, Alex and I crawled into the bed and lay beside each other.  We spooned, and he warmed me instantly.  I forgot about everything but him and our life together.  I forgot about everything until I was woken an hour later by Alex asking me to get ready for our reception.
  But before we left our hotel room I took one last look at myself, and I approved.
  I wore an off white, flapper-type dress which helped hide my huge stomach, with simple beige kitten heals.  I looked pretty cute actually with my hair all swept up, and my makeup fresh and light.
  The bruise and bite on my lip from Alex was hidden by a dark pink lipstick which seemed to make my skin glow.  Looking at myself I realized I didn't look sallow, and I didn't feel like haggard, skinny, pale Sadie Adams.  Looking in the mirror, I felt like pretty, newly married Sadie Hamilton, wife to Alexander.
  After kissing my neck and telling me I looked beautiful again, Alex took my hand as we made the way downstairs to our huge reception.  And once we greeted everyone, we were introduced by the DJ, and we danced our first dance together before Alex's friends and family.
  After our first dance, I danced with my father, and Alexander danced with his mother, until we switched out parents again.  And it was fine, if not slightly awkward dancing with Mr. Hamilton while he tried desperately to dance with me without touching my extended stomach. He tried, and I felt a little more comfortable with him as the dance progressed.
  “I hope you're very happy, Sadie.  I know Alex is,” Mr. Hamilton said as he leaned down to me.
  “I am Mr. Hamilton.  Alex makes me very happy,” I replied as he nodded.
  Looking at Alex, he was waiting for me to make eye contact so he could smile and wink at me.  Dancing with my mother looked awkward, but she was enjoying herself.  Laughing and spinning a totally uncomfortable Alex, my mother made their dance a production for the crowd, to my father’s humor I could see.
  And when the third required dance was over, Alexander and I rejoined and kissed slowly in front of the crowd.  He held me close and spoke to me softly, and loved me totally.  He was amazing and I was happy, finally.
  “You make me so happy, Alex,” I breathed against his lips, as he pulled us tighter.  And so we danced through another song.
  Afterward, when people were lined up for the 11:00 buffet, Alex and I again made the rounds.  He did most of the talking, but I tried.  I tried to be friendly to his friends and family but it was hard.  Of the 18 tables at our reception, only 2 were of my people.  The rest were all Alexander's family, friends, and his family's friends. 

 
I was severely, embarrassingly under-peopled at our reception, and I felt awkward when I recognized a few faces from high school.  I was so different, and I felt so different, and I didn’t know which Sadie Alex’s friends were thinking of.  So when my mother motioned for us, I quickly pulled Alex to my parent's table.
  After kissing and speaking to my Aunt Helen and Uncle Tom, Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton joined us at my parent's table, as my mother introduced my aunts and uncles, and my parents best friends Patricia and Tom, and Holly and Warren to the Hamiltons.

 
And watching quietly, it seemed like everyone got along well, and our reception seemed to be a real success, so I found myself relaxing a little.
  Seconds before midnight, the DJ announced Alexander and I as the 10 second countdown was ending, so everyone cheered for us and the New Year simultaneously, which was pretty cool.  Alex and I kissed our nuptials as everyone cheered and clapped the mixture of our wedding and the New Year, and I remember it was truly a special moment in time.
  But by 12:30, Alexander handed me a plate of food and made me sit and eat.  I hadn't attended the pre-ceremony dinner the other guests had, so really I hadn't eaten in close to 7 hours, and he knew it.  Alex then bent and kissed my stomach and removed my heels while he rubbed my aching feet.  He paid attention to things like that and he always took care of me. 
  When I was eating, he whispered, “half an hour,” as I raised an eyebrow at his sexy grin.
  Teasing, I quickly scooped a huge amount of food into my mouth like a pig and said, “Make it twenty,” as he burst out laughing.  And when I looked away from Alex I spotted Mrs. Hamilton watching us so I smiled at her with my mouth full.  And amazingly, she quickly smiled back at me, which felt good.  It felt like maybe I could prove myself to her one day.
  25 minutes later, Alexander and I made our parting announcements, thanked everyone for attending, thanked our parents for throwing us our wonderful wedding, and then we bolted.  Not even waiting for the exit line to be fully formed, we walked through quickly, leaving all the guests behind to continue partying away the New Year.
  And so began our marriage.
  Alexander undressed me and made slow love to me that night.  He held himself above me by his arms and he leaned in for kisses as best as he could.  We spent the night making love and talking.
  We spoke about our day and night and about our future.  We spoke about everything he wanted, and I even added my own wants to the conversation for the first time since we had been together.
  We were happy and in love and I felt safe and loved in his arms while I slept.
  The following morning was brutal however.
  Waking slowly, I forgot about the bruises Alex gave me and I let the sheets slip from my huge body.  Leaning into him with eyes closed, I was stunned when he aggressively pushed me away from him onto my back.
  Opening my eyes, I looked up at him in shock and confusion until he reached for my hip and studied my skin.  Trying to pull away, I remember the absolute panic I felt.  I remember fearing he would know.  I remember fearing he would leave me.
  Begging, I yelled, “They're nothing.  It's nothing, Alex,” but he ignored me.  Turning me, he pushed my body around until I had to fight a nauseous gag.  Turning my face from his, I gagged into my hand as I cried.
  “I'm so sorry, Sadie.  I didn't realize I was so hard on you,” he choked out.  And I should have hidden the bruises better because I didn't want him to know, and I didn't want him to suffer unnecessarily, but I just forgot in my sleep.
  “I'm fine, Alex.  I loved being with you last night.  It's probably the anemia making me bruise easily.  That's all.  You didn't hurt me at all.  I promise everything was good last night.  You were good and I loved being with you.”
  “But you didn't get off, I did!  And you're all bruised, and I'm an asshole!” He yelled jumping from the bed while pacing back and forth.
  “You aren't!  You were wonderful.  You know I can't orgasm easily. You know I can't!  And I was tired and worn out, but I will.  Everything's fine, Alex,” I yelled desperately.
  “You orgasm when you're with Him in your head!” He barked into our room.
  “I don't anymore.  I don't!  He's gone.  He's over for me.  I think of you now.  Totally. 
Always. 
I swear, Alex!  It's just you.  Remember you said one day I would think of only you, well I do now.  It's just you, I swear!”  I begged while trying to get out of the bed.
  Reaching for him, he pushed my hand away, making me lose my balance.  Falling sideways, I landed off the bed onto my side, as Alexander lunged for me.
  “I'm sorry!  I'm sorry, baby!” He yelled until his voice stopped, and the sudden silence almost killed me.  “What the fuck is that, Sadie?  Who the fuck bit you?” He yelled grabbing my shoulder and turning my back toward him.
  “You!  It was you!  You bit me when you were excited!”
  “I would never bite your shoulder!  Are you crazy?  Who bit you, Sadie?” He growled at me.  “Who
fucking
bit you?”  But I didn't know anymore.
  “It was you, Alex.  You bit me when you made love to me last night.  You bruised me, and you bit me on my shoulder when you were excited.  It was you.  I promise...” I finished lamely.
 

 
Standing back up, Alexander slowly placed me on the bed.  Turning from me he stood shaking looking toward the window.  Shaking, I could see his distress.  Shaking, I remember his confusion and anger.
  “It was you, Alex,” I whispered as he turned his head to look at me over his shoulder.  Staring at me, he shook his head no.  “It was you, Alex.  No one else.  I was with only you,” I pleaded.  “Please believe me.  I was only with you lastnight,” I tried to convince him.
  Turning from me, Alexander walked away from me.  He walked into the bathroom as I cried, and then he walked out of our room as I sobbed.
  Alexander Hamilton walked away from me.  He left me alone.  He left me and I didn't know if he would ever return.
  2 hours after he left me I made another mistake.  Fighting off my past, I tried so hard- until I lost.  Leaving my room, I went to the hotel gift shop and bought a pack of smokes.  Walking back to my room, I numbly lit and relit the lighter in my hand.  Walking into my room I was in a haze of pain and fear.
  When I opened the door, I prayed with everything I had that Alexander was back, but he wasn't.  I prayed that he would be back soon, but he wasn't.  I prayed for the second time in my life, but again, my prayers weren't answered.  Neither came back when I prayed for them, so I decided to stop praying altogether.
  I lit a smoke in the bathroom and I drank some vodka.  I raided the mini bar and used the little plastic covered glass for my liquor.  I sat on the closed toilet and I drank my vodka as I chain smoked.
  And I knew.  I remember knowing I was making a mistake, but I didn't care.  I knew I was being horrible, but I didn't care.  I knew I was fucking up royally, but I just didn't care anymore.
  All I cared about had walked out of the room.
 

 
When I sank into the warm tub, I was disgusted.  I did have bruises all over me.  My hips had faint blue yellow bruises, and a dark bruise sat right in the middle of my belly.  I even had purplish blue bruises on my thighs.  I was disgusting and disgusted, but Alexander shouldn't have left me.  He should have known I didn't care about the bruises.  I only cared about Alex inside me.
  Alexander should have known he didn't hurt me and I would welcome his bruises anytime, because we were together and sometimes sex got crazy and bruises were left.  Alexander should have known I didn't care about the bruises he left on me, but he left me anyway.
  Sinking into the tub, I remember drinking my vodka slowly and smoking my cigarettes rapidly.  I remember the feeling of floating in the water while my mind became quieter.  I remember feeling like the end was slowly coming for me, but I really didn't care.
  I had been married for less than 12 hours, and already Alexander had left me.  He had promised me forever, but he meant only for
now
.
  Crying, I remember the devastation I felt because Alexander left me.  I remember the humiliation I felt because he left me.  I remember hearing the phone ring in my hotel room and ignoring it.  I remember thinking my mother would shake her head at me, and Mrs. Hamilton would be thrilled.  I remember thinking I had tried and failed again, so Alexander had left me.
  Remembering that day, I'm embarrassed to admit I didn't care about the baby at all.  I had lost my ability to be logical and loving then.  I had given up on pretending to be emotionally well for the baby.  I didn't care about the baby anymore, and I didn't care about me anymore.  When Alexander left me I stopped caring about everything.
  So I poured a third small bottle of vodka and I chain smoked in the tub because I didn't know what else to do.  I think I wanted to slowly destroy the body that had betrayed me with it’s bruises.
 

*****

 
“Sadie!  Wake up!  What the hell are you doing?”  I heard him, but I ignored the dream.  “Wake up, baby!  Come on.  Wake the hell up!” I heard and felt the slap on my arm.
  Stirring, I opened my exhausted eyes to Alexander leaning over me.  Confused, I asked the most important question I had.  “Are you real?”
  “Yes.  Oh, shit Sade, what the hell did you do? 
This
shit again?”  But I closed my eyes because I knew it wasn't really him anymore.  “Sadie!”
  “Please stop.  I know you're gone.  I know you left me.  And I’m tired of being lonely all the time,” I slurred.
  When I felt my shoulders shaken, I stirred in the ice water.  I didn’t understand what the hell was happening, but I remember being so annoyed in the dream that I wanted to push it away forever.
  “Come on, Sadie.  Wake up!” And then I was lifted out of the freezing water as my body shook uncontrollably and my mind spun.  Leaning into the sudden warm of Alexander, I threw up and buried my face into the warmth.  “That's awesome, baby.  Thank you for that,” he said angrily.
  When the glass of vodka was pushed to my mouth, I gulped it down with relief.  I thought I was clearly in a dream, and I wasn't enduring Alexander's anger, or his sad return. 
  “What the hell?” He yelled.  “Vodka? 
Really? 
You're fucking pregnant!  What the hell are you doing?” He yelled again.  And turning me I was suddenly face first in the sink as Alexander pushed a toothbrush down my throat until I gagged and threw up again.