My Dear Stranger (36 page)

 
And I wait still.
  “Where is He?” I beg my empty garage.
  “Where are you!?” I scream out into the silence of my garage.

*****
 

 
Seeing Alexander suddenly standing in the garage doorway, I can't believe I'm looking at him.  When did he get back?  When did he open the door?  Did I hear the alarm?  I don't know, but I'm looking at him suddenly, and he looks so sad to see me. 

  “Oh Sadie... What did you do?” Alex seems to moan.
  “What's wrong, Alex?” I whisper.
  Opening his hands in front of his chest he begins to move slowly toward me.  Actually, his hands are shaking and he looks really bad right now.  What the hell happened?
  “What's wrong, Alex?” I whisper again.
  Looking, my neighbor Cheryl is behind him in the doorway.  Talking quietly on her cellphone, Cheryl isn't looking at me and I don’t understand what the hell is going on?
  “Why is Cheryl in my house?” I whisper.
  When Alex shakes his head I don't know what he means. 
IS
she in my house?  I swear I'm looking at her.
  Confused, I yell, “Cheryl?!”  And then she looks right at me.  Smiling and lowering her phone, Cheryl looks right at me as she starts walking into my garage slowly, but I still don't get it.
  “Why are you here?” I whisper.
  “Hi Sadie.  I thought I'd stop in for a minute when I saw Alex come home.  How are you?”
  “Fine.  Why are you here?  You never come over ’cause I think I’m too quiet or weird, or something…”
  “Oh, that's not true.  I think you're great, Sadie.  We always talk outside, so I thought I'd drop by for a coffee.  Is that okay?”
  Looking at her, I shake my head no.  Not now.  Not when I'm in the garage.  Why is she here?  Oh!  Grabbing my pack of smokes, I hide them between my legs.  Stuffing them all the way into the space of my thighs, I'm sure I was fast enough that Alex didn’t see them.
  But no one is talking anymore, and no one acknowledged my smokes as Alex shuffles closer to me with his hands still out.  He looks really sad though, and I don’t know what the hell is going on?
  Trying to break the silence, I look at Cheryl again.  “It's nice to really meet you, Cheryl.  What kind of nurse are you?”
  “I'm a Labor and delivery nurse.  I bring babies into the world,” she smiles.  Actually, her smile is beautiful.  She looks very happy with her career choice.  And why shouldn't she be?  Her career choice is noble.  She's a delivery nurse who brings life into the world, and she’s lovely.
  “That’s wonderful, Cheryl.  Do you have a doctor?” I smirk with an eye brow wiggle. 
  Smiling back at me she says, “Nope.  The Doctors at my hospital are way too arrogant, and I can't stand a man who acts like he's god, which most Doctors do.  So I stay away from them.”
  That makes sense.  I would hate to be with a man who had a god-complex.
  “How do you know Alex?” I whisper.  I wonder if...
  “Just from the neighborhood, Sadie.  Alex called me when he hadn't heard from you, that's all.”
  “Oh.”  Wait.  He called her?  “Are you having an affair with my husband?” I whisper.
  “No,” Cheryl replies.  Without emotion I think she lies to me, and it looked like such an easy lie I actually feel embarrassed for her.
  “Then why does he have your number?”  And there it is.  I've laid down the challenge.  I know the truth and now they know I know the truth.
  Quietly, Alex speaks from 2 feet in front of me.  Why hasn't he touched me or kissed my cheek, or even smiled at me?  Why is he still standing 2 feet away from me with his hands outstretched and shaking?  Why is he 1 foot away from Cheryl, but still 2 feet away from me?
  “Sadie.  All of us on this street have each other's numbers.  Just like you have the M's number from across the street, I have everyone's too.  We all do and it’s nothing.  It's just a fail-safe in case one of us on the street have an emergency or something, I promise.  I can show you my phone.  I have every single neighbor's number and contact information, not just Cheryl's.  Would you like to see my phone?”  Would I?  No, not really.  Staring at Alexander I'm at a loss and I don't know what else to say to that.  “Sadie?  Can I hug you, honey?”
  “Why?  I mean, why
can't
you?  What's wrong with you?”
  Looking at Alex, he seems so weird to me right now.  He's still not moving closer, and Cheryl isn't moving at all.  They both seem trapped or something. 
  “Can I get you a blanket Sadie?  You look very cold.  Would you like a warm blanket?” Cheryl asks me so calmly, it's strange.  It's like her lips aren't moving, but sound and words are coming out of her mouth anyway.  She still hasn't moved, and I don't think I saw her mouth move.  Is this a trick?
  “Are you a ventriloquist?” I ask suddenly laughing.  How strange is this conversation?
  “Sadie.  Can I have the screw driver?  Please, honey?”  What?
  Looking at my hands I see I'm holding it.  Oh god... I didn't know.  Oh, look what I've done!  Suddenly jumping in my own skin, I look.  I see what I've done.  I see it all.  It's been years, and I didn't know.
  “I'm sorry, Alex.  I didn't know.  I didn't.  Sometimes, I just don't know and I didn't know this time.  But it's the pressure, you know?  I don't know what to do about the pressure, and sometimes I don't know until after what I did.  But it's just the pressure.  I promise I'm good.  I didn't know, and it doesn't hurt.”
  Looking I see what I've done.  Covering my bare breasts with my hands, I still hold the screw driver, resting it under my chin with my arms crossed.  Why am I topless?  Oh right, because I couldn't breathe earlier with my clothes on.
  Looking at my legs, again I admit, “I didn't know.  Alex?  What's
happening?
” And finally, he moves. 

  W
alking the 2 steps toward me, Alex slowly crouches in front of me and begins to raise his hand to my face.  Slowly, I watch his hand shake as it comes closer to me.  Waiting, his hand finally touches my cheek and he’s so warm, I love it.  Exhaling, I close my eyes and rest my face in his hand and suddenly I feel warmth for the first time in forever.
  “Sade?” He whispers.
  “Alex... You're so warm all the time.  You're always warm.  I love lying next to you in bed because you warm me up all over.”
  “Sadie, you know I'll
always
warm you.  Are you cold right now, baby?  Would you like Cheryl to get you a blanket?”
  “Yes, please.  Thanks, Cheryl.  I’m really cold, and a blanket would be great.”
  Looking, I see Cheryl smile and nod once as she turns from my garage.  Walking back into my home, I watch her.  She's never been over before, so I'm not sure how she knows where to find the blankets.
  “Has she been in our house before?”  I ask Alex, and I think I know the answer but I don't want to know the answer.
  “Not that I'm aware of.  Have you ever invited her over?” Alex asks me gently.
  “Then how does she know where to find the blankets?”
  “She'll probably look in the hall closet upstairs.  That's where most people keep them, so I'm sure she'll start there.  They are in the hall closet aren't they?”
  “Yes, of course.  I'm sorry to distrust you.  I'm not sure why I think you've done something wrong, because I don't usually, I just do right now, but not really, I don't think.”
  “It’s okay, honey.  Would you like to get out of the garage now?  I could warm you up inside.”
  “Not yet, I...”
  When Cheryl suddenly opens the door again, she smiles and holds up a blanket.  Well, I wouldn't have chosen that ugly one, but it looks really warm so I guess it'll do.
  Turning to Alex I see him give Cheryl a strange look with a head nod towards my home.  What was that?  Are they talking about me behind my back?  I think they are.  They have to be.  Cheryl seems to know what Alex wants.  Well, good for her!
  “Cheryl?  Are you and my husband sleeping together?”  But both answer no a little too quickly I think.  “Because I get it if you are.  He's very attractive.  Alexander Hamilton, of the wonderful Hamiltons.  And he's still good looking, and in terrific shape, and really hot even years later, so I get it.  If I wasn't already married to him, I'd probably try to sleep with him too.”
  “Sadie... Alex and I...”
  “It's okay.  He's a very good lover, I know that too.  He's much better than he was when we were younger, aren't you honey?!”
  When Alex tries to pull the screw driver away from me suddenly, I fight back and nick my own throat.  I felt it.  Through all the cold and the sadness, I felt the nick this time.  I wonder why this time I felt it, but I didn’t earlier.  I wonder if it’s because he's gonna hurt me this time.
  “Please Sadie?” Alex whispers as he falls backward onto his ass.  “Please don't do this.”
  “Don't do what?  Talk to your lover?”
  “She's not my lover.  You're my only lover.  You're my wife, Sadie.  I love YOU.”
  “I know.  You've been telling me for years.”
  “Cheryl, do you think he's a good lover?”
  “We're not lovers.  We've never been lovers, I swear.  Alex and I have never even really spoken until this weekend.  And he only spoke to me because he was trying to get to you- his wife.”
  “I KNOW I'M HIS WIFE!” I scream into the silence of the garage.  I think I even heard an echo following my words.
  Pushing Alex's chest further from me, I reach in between my legs and pull out my smokes.  Mumbling ‘I'm sorry’, I don't even look up as I pull out a new smoke and my lighter.  This is so bad, I know, but I really need one. 
  Once lit, I inhale deeply and exhale slowly.  Alex hasn't seen me smoke in years, since we were first married, when he made little comments about my health and the smell, and made me feel so insecure about smoking that I eventually stopped, mostly.  At least in front of him.
  “I miss smoking, Alex.  I know you don't understand, and I know you hate it, but I miss it.  I wish you understood, so you'd let me have a smoke when I need one.”
  “
I
know, Sadie.  I love smoking, too.  Can I have one?” Cheryl asks from the doorway.
  Stunned, I smile.  “But you're a nurse!  You're supposed to be all healthy and stuff.”
  Smiling back, she nods.  “I know.  But I hide it pretty well so my co-workers don't see me, and I only smoke when I'm drinking with my friends which isn't often, or when I've had a bad day at work.” She confesses as she walks into the garage and sits down beside me.  Handing me the blanket, she places it around my legs as she asks, ‘May I?’ while taking a smoke from my pack.
  Sitting beside Cheryl, I feel comfortable suddenly.  I'm warmed by her presence I think.  Before I know what's happened, I see Cheryl casually moving the screwdriver out of my reach.  Huh.  That was smooth.
  “I saw that,” I say looking straight at her eyes, but she only grins and shrugs like it's no big deal, and suddenly it doesn't really feel like a big deal.
  “What are you doing in the garage, Sadie?” Cheryl asks while lifting the blanket around my shoulders.
  “I can't really talk about it, but I had some important stuff to do, and the garage felt like the perfect place to do it, you know?”
  “Oh, I get it.  I have a room downstairs where I do all my important thinking.  I even have a punching bag in there for when I've had a really bad day.”
  “Really?” I ask surprised.  Cheryl just seems so normal and nice, and totally not like the kind of woman who would have a punching bag in her home.
  “Yup, and I love it.  My nephew showed me once at my brother's house how to beat the hell out of it, and I loved it.  Anyway, for Christmas a few months later my brother and sister in law bought me one and my nephew Mark put it up for me.  You should get one, they're really fun.  And whenever you're stressed you can beat the hell out of it.  One weekend when I had a few girlfriends over because my best friend Paula from Oklahoma was visiting, she taped a picture of my ex-husband on it and we all laughed and took turns beating the hell out of
him
.  Paula especially,” she says laughing.
  “You were married?”
  “Yeah, for 2 1/2 years.  But thankfully it ended almost as quickly as it began.  He wasn't a very good husband.”
  “Oh, I'm sorry, I would hate that.  Alex is a really good husband so I'm very lucky that way.  Right, Alex?”
  “I hope so, Sadie.  I've always wanted to be a good husband to you.”
  “Oh, you have been.  Do you remember the first time we met?  Well, started speaking, anyway?”
  “I do.  We were on campus and you looked beautiful walking in the afternoon, so I smiled at you, and you smiled back.” 
  Nodding, I feel very happy remembering Alex like that.  He was so sweet to me.  “You were so sweet, Alex.”
  “I hope I still am, Sadie.  I try to be.”
  “You are...” I say tearing up. 
  “Alex is just so lovely, Cheryl.  He is everything I've ever wanted in this life- attentive, and kind, and loving, and he really cares about me.”
  “I do.  So much, Sadie.  Please, honey, tell me what's wrong.  I'm here, and you can tell me anything,” he says leaning closer to me and Cheryl.
  “I don't think I can tell you this, Alex.  I don't think you want to know this.  We never talk about this and I don't think you want me to tell you this.”
  “I do.  Honestly.  Tell me what's wrong.  You seemed fine when we left, and then something happened, but I don't know what and I can't help you if I don't know what happened.  Please, baby.  Just tell me.”
  “I can leave you two alone if you want,” Cheryl whispers beside me.
  But grabbing her hand, I don't want her to go.  Cheryl warms me like Alex does, and I like having her here with me.
  “Can you stay, Cheryl?  I think I like you here ’cause you kind of warm me up.  Is that weird?”
  “No, not at all.  Can I give you a hug?  Can I warm you a little more?  You look very cold, Sadie.”  And she's right.  I'm absolutely freezing.
  “I can warm you, Sadie.  I always do, don't I?”
  “Yes.” But I find myself moving right up against Cheryl's side, as she puts an arm over my shoulder and hugs me tightly to her, and I'm finally warm.  It feels like years since I've been warm, or maybe just days, I don't know.  But I want her warmth for a minute.”
  “What's wrong?” Alex whispers.
  “Where's Jamie?” I cry.
  “I dropped him at my mom’s.  He's staying there for the night.”
  “But what about school?”
  “My moms going to drop him off in the morning.  Everything is fine with Jamie.”
  “But what about his uniform?”
  “She has a school sweater from a few weeks ago when he visited after school when you were running late.  Do you remember that?”
  ”Yes, but what if she forgets to hug him goodnight?”
  “She would never forget to hug him.  And Jamie would just ask for a hug, like he does with you.”
  “Is he okay, Alex?”
  “Yes.  He's-”
  “I've done a good job with Jamie, haven't I?  I mean I'm a really good mom, right?”
  “Yes, you really are.  You're amazing with Jamie.  Everyone thinks so.  You've done an amazing job with him.”
  “Oh!  Thank you, Alex. I get scared that I'm not doing enough, or spending enough time, or being the best mother.  I get so afraid of fucking him up, even though I think I'm pretty good at being his mother.”
  “You could never fuck him up, Sadie.  You love him too much to ever fuck him up,” Alex smiles at me.  And I think that's the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me.
  “Thank you.  God, Alex, I love him so much.  Jamie is everything to me.  He is all I think about.  And I love him so much, I would do
anything
to protect him.  Jamie is the best thing I have ever known because he's just so sweet to me and never mean, and he has such a beautiful soul, and I love him, Alex, so much.”
  “I know you do.  Everyone knows you do.”
  “Cheryl?  Have you met my little boy?” 
  “I have met him and he IS very sweet, Sadie.  He was playing outside once when Alex was in the garage, and he tidied up the flowers between our houses, and when he saw me he picked one of the pink roses and handed it to me.  It was so sweet, but when I thanked him, he smiled a little cheeky grin at me and said, 'you're welcome, but those were from
your
side anyway, not my mommy's.'”  Laughing, I can actually picture his cheeky grin.  “Anyway, he was so sweet, and once in a while, I find a flower on my front steps waiting for me when I get home.”  She smiles again.  “But they're always from MY side- the little buggar.” 
  Bursting out laughing, I like Cheryl even more.  She makes jokes, and she seems so nice and normal.  She called my baby a little buggar and I don't want to rip her face off.  I'm actually laughing with her, because he is a little buggar sometimes, but I always love it.
  Crying suddenly, I miss my son so much it's like a physical pain in my chest.
  “What is it?  Tell me,” Alex begs.
  “I miss him, Alex.  Please, please,
please
don't ever take him from me again.  I won't survive it.  I won't.  I'll die if you take him from me again.”
   “I didn't take him from you.  I took him skiing at my sister's place.  That's all.  I took him skiing WITH your permission.  I didn't take him from you.  I would never take him from you.  I know how much you love him.  And I know how much he loves you.  I would never be so cruel to either of you, Sadie.”
  “Please don't ever take him from me again, Alex.”
  “I just said I wouldn't.  I have never taken Jamie from you.  YOU said we could go.  YOU told us to go have fun.  YOU were the one who decided to stay home this weekend.  I didn't take him away, Sadie.  I would never take him from you.”
  “Alexander, if you ever leave with him again, I'll slit your fucking throat, I swear to god!”
  “Sadie!  Jesus!  Listen to yourself.  I just said-”
  “I know what you said.  I can
hear
you, Alexander.  I'm just not sure you're hearing me.  So I'm being very clear.  Do. Not. Ever. Take Jamie from me again or I'll fucking kill you!  Are we clear, Alexander?  Do you HEAR me?”
  “Sadie, I think Alex promised he wouldn't-”
  “Oh, you don't know shit,
Cheryl!
  The best thing Alexander ever did to me was knock me up.  He was smart.  He did what my mother did.  He knocked me up so we had to stay together.”
  “That's not true!” He yells, looking totally embarrassed.