My Epic Fairy Tale Fail (2 page)

When I opened my eyes, I expected to find myself in a magical kingdom. So I couldn't figure out why we were outside Aunt Evie's house again, standing in her flower beds.

“Anthony?” I said, brushing mulch off my sneakers. “Did you miscalculate or something?”

He grinned. “Just a slight detour to pick up a couple of passengers.” He plucked a marigold and popped it in his mouth.

“Passengers?” I echoed just as someone came out from behind the bushes. Technically, two someones. A tall girl with long, straight hair, and a shorter, rounder girl with bright purple glasses. “Melissa? Trish? What are you guys doing here?”

“We're coming with you!” Melissa cried, her hair swirling around her shoulders. “Isn't that fantabulous?”

“This is finally our chance to see what you do,” said Trish. She seal-clapped with excitement, reminding me way too much of a crazed mermaid.

I glared at Anthony. “What's going on?”

“I figured it couldn't hurt,” he said, not meeting my eyes. “It's only a tiny mission, and they were very convincing.”

“Are you crazy? What about the Committee? Those old women will totally flip if they find out you brought regular humans to a magical world!” The Committee loved wiping people's minds if they knew too much about magic. I couldn't let that happen to my friends. Not again.

Anthony shook his head. “The Committee members will never know unless we tell them.” He turned to Trish and Melissa. “So, do you have my payment?”

My mouth dropped open. “You guys bribed him?”

“It was Trish's idea!” said Melissa.

Trish pushed up her glasses as a mischievous smile spread across her face. She unzipped her backpack and took out an enormous package of candy hearts. “Actually,” she said, “I got the idea from you, Jenny. Remember when you told me Anthony would do anything for some candy? It turns out that's true.”

The gnome's already-red cheeks turned even redder. “What can I say, Jenny-girl? I couldn't go another day eating nothing but rabbit food. One small bag of candy won't hurt, right?”

“Sorry, guys,” I said. “You can't come with me.”

Trish's face fell. “But, Jenny, my English paper will be so much better if I can see a magical place for myself. And Mrs. Brown said there's a contest I can send my paper to. I would give anything to win.”

She did have a point. Writing about magic would be a whole lot easier if you'd actually seen it in action. And winning an essay contest would go a long way in helping Trish stand out from her four brothers and sisters. She'd never admit it, but I knew Trish was always trying to get her parents to notice her.

“Please, Jenny?” said Melissa, her eyes big and round like a cartoon character's. “Think of all the songs I'll be able to write about fairies and dragons.” She waggled her eyebrows. “And about cute princes.”

Unlike Trish, Melissa was an only child, but since her father was an opera singer and her mother was a country star, Melissa was always trying to prove to her parents that she'd inherited their music genes. I knew she dreamed of writing the perfect hit song. Maybe traveling to another world would give her more exciting things to sing about.

No, I told myself. Just because my friends desperately wanted to come with me didn't mean I should put them in harm's way.

“My missions aren't like that,” I said. “I've never even met a fairy. Dragons will just try to barbecue you. And princes are more trouble than they're worth, no matter how cute they are.” I could tell my friends weren't buying it. “I'm serious, guys. My adventures are nothing like Disney movies. They can be really dangerous.”

“Oh, your friends will be fine,” Anthony said with a wave of his plump hand. “You always manage to come out alive, don't you?”

“Barely,” I muttered. I turned back to Melissa and Trish. “If anything happened to you guys—”

“It won't,” said Trish. “We'll be careful. See?” She pulled a purple bike helmet out of her bag and plopped it on her head.

“Super-uber careful,” Melissa added, putting on a neon hockey mask. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing.

“You won't have to worry about us. We're prepared for anything,” said Trish. She held up a thick book of fairy tales. “I'm like a walking encyclopedia!”

“And,” Melissa chimed in, “I've been eating fortune cookies for weeks and saving all the little messages. We'll have tons of cheesy sayings to get us through the adventure.” She reached in her pants pocket and pulled out a fortune. Her eyes widened as she read it, and she let out a little squeal.

“What does it say?” said Trish.

“It says: ‘A thrilling time is in your future.'” Melissa crossed her arms in front of her chest, a smug look on her face. “See?”

“It doesn't get any clearer than that,” said Anthony. “You have to bring them with you, Jenny-girl. The cookie gods demand it.”

“But what about the dance tomorrow night? We'll probably miss it,” I said, knowing I sounded a little desperate. “It's the last one of the year. Weren't you guys excited about going?”

Trish let out a sputtering laugh. “Are you kidding? Who cares about a dance when this is going to be so much better?”

“Puh-lease?” said Melissa, looking like she might get on her knees and beg.

What could I say? Bringing them on my adventure was probably a terrible idea, but my friends obviously weren't going to take no for an answer. Maybe having them along wouldn't be so bad. Then they'd finally understand that my job wasn't as easy as they were always making it out to be. Besides, having Melissa and Trish with me could make things a lot more fun.

“Okay, fine,” I said.

Melissa shrieked and jumped up and down while Trish held up her arms in a touchdown pose.

“But you have to listen to me, okay?” I went on. “If I tell you to run, you run. If I tell you to hide, you hide. If I tell you to pole-vault, you—”

“I think they get the picture, Jenny-girl.” Anthony rolled his eyes. “Let's get going already!”

I sighed and nodded, hoping I wasn't making a huge mistake. Then I held on to Trish and Melissa, who were both bouncing around like bobblehead dolls, and—
Pop
!—we were off.

When I opened my eyes again, we were in the middle of the most amazing meadow I'd ever seen. It felt like we'd been dropped right in the middle of Candyland. Lush grass surrounded us like a green carpet, basketball-sized flowers swayed in the breeze, and dozens of sparkling butterflies flitted through the air. Maybe I'd been wrong when I told Melissa and Trish that my adventures were nothing like Disney movies.

I heard my friends groaning beside me. They were both sprawled on the ground, looking almost as green as the grass.

“Welcome to the joys of inter-world travel,” I said, helping them to their feet.

“Ugh, that felt like getting sucked through a straw or something,” said Melissa, pulling off her hockey mask and rubbing her temples.

“Is it normal to feel like you don't have knees?” said Trish, adjusting her backpack.

“It'll wear off in a second.” I motioned for them to look around. “I hope it was worth it.”

My friends gasped in unison as they finally noticed our surroundings. Then Trish started spinning in happy circles like a character in a cheesy movie.

“It's goooorgeous!” Melissa belted out in her amazing singing voice.

“Welcome to the Land of Tales,” said Anthony, sounding like a nasally tour guide. “On your left is a field. On your right is a rock. Through there”—he pointed toward a forest—“is the village and, beyond it, the palace where Princess Nartha is waiting for us.”

“Why did you pop us in all the way out here, then?” I asked.

“It'll give me some time to fill you in,” said Anthony, setting off toward the woods. “Plus, Dr. Bradley insists that the more I walk, the more calories I'll burn.” He shook his head like that was the most ridiculous idea he'd ever heard. “The main thing you need to know about the Land of Tales is that it's the origin of all fairy tales.”

“What do you mean?” I hurried to catch up while Trish and Melissa trailed behind us, their eyes huge and their mouths hanging open.

“You know all those princess-needs-to-be-rescued stories?” said Anthony. “They all originated here. Every time a story has a babbling brook in it, this is where it came from.”

“That makes sense,” Trish chimed in. “No one knows the origin of fairy tales, but there are similar stories all over our world. It figures they'd all come from one place.” She really did sound like an encyclopedia with legs.

“So why did Princess Nartha ask us for help?” I said as we came to an overgrown trail that cut through the woods.

“In a nutshell,” said Anthony, “the land is under a curse that's draining all the magic. For years now, the magic has been getting weaker and weaker. Eventually, the whole land will be affected, including the field where we first popped in.”

“What happens when there's no magic at all?” said Trish.

Anthony pointed to a stream flowing past us. “Remember how I mentioned a babbling brook? That's what it looks like now that the magic is almost gone.” Instead of babbling, the brook was moaning and sighing like it was in pain. “Once the last of the magic disappears, the brook will just be an ordinary stream. It won't be able to say a word.”

“Poor thing!” cried Melissa. She rushed over to the brook and ran her fingers over the top of the water, like she was trying to pet it. “It sounds so sad. Can't we do anything?”

“How long has this been going on?” I asked Anthony after I'd managed to get Melissa back on the path with us.

“From what Princess Nartha told us, the magic first started growing weaker seven years ago,” said Anthony.

“Wait, seven years?” I felt a jolt in my stomach. “That's how long my parents have been gone. Do you think the two things could be related somehow?”

Anthony shook his head. “We were told a witch named Ilda is behind the curse. She's the only one in the land with her magic still intact, so she must be responsible. Somehow, she's found a way to slowly suck up the land's magic.” He glanced at me with actual concern on his round face. “Watch out for Ilda, Jenny-girl. She's crazy with a capital Q.”

“I'll be fine,” I said. Since when did Dr. Bradley and Anthony worry about me so much? Normally, they seemed perfectly happy to send me off to face creatures that either wanted to eat me or to turn me into a pet. “Do you have any idea how I'm supposed to get the land's magic back?”

“According to Ilda, someone needs to complete her Three Impossible Tasks by the end of the seven years to restore the magic. Otherwise, it will be gone for good.”

“Let me guess,” I said. “The seven years are almost up?”

“Correct-o! You have three days left before the curse can't be reversed,” said Anthony.

“Three days?” Did people think we adventurers
liked
having ticking clocks hanging over our heads? “Why didn't they ask the Committee for help right away?”

“Not everyone is a fan of the Committee and what it stands for.” Anthony looked like he wanted to say more, but then he just shook his head and kept walking. He was rarely so quiet, but I figured that might just be a low-blood-sugar thing. I decided not to push him in case he was about to crack.

Instead, I listened to Trish and Melissa gushing about our surroundings. The Land of Tales might have been in trouble, but with its bright blue sky and chirping lollipop-colored birds, it was still straight out of a storybook. I almost expected rainbow bubbles to start floating down from the sky.

“I can't believe you get to visit places like this all the time!” said Melissa. She whistled along with the birds as they flitted past, trilling away.

“Trust me, they're not all like this.” I started to tell my friends about how crazy Merland had been, even showing them a handful of smelly sand that was still in my pocket, but I could tell they didn't really believe me.

When we came to a dirt road, I heard something rumbling toward us. Whatever it was, it was moving
fast
. I just managed to yank my friends backward as two girls sprinted past us at full speed. Each girl was holding on to the handlebars of a bicycle as she ran.

As the girls disappeared around the bend, Melissa turned to me. Her eyebrows were raised so high that they were practically in her hair. “Were those girls just running with their bikes?”

“Looked like it,” I said.

“Why wouldn't they just ride them?”

“The witch's curse strikes again,” said Anthony. “Folks here are so used to doing everything magically that they don't know how nonmagical things work. It's kind of sad.”

“I always thought bicycles were pretty self-explanatory,” I said.

“Oh, that's nothing. You should see how people try to milk cows here.” Anthony smiled mischievously. “It turns out all the tickling in the world won't make a cow give even one drop of milk.”

I hoped the gnome was joking, but before I could ask him, he hurried off down the path. I had no choice but to follow him.

When we came out on the other side of the forest, I got my first glimpse of the village. As much as I hated using the word, I had to admit the place was adorable. I could almost imagine the seven dwarves whistling as they went off to work.

“This is amazing,” Trish whispered beside me. She pulled a notebook out of her bag and started furiously writing notes as she walked. No doubt her English paper was going to be epic.

I, on the other hand, hadn't even had a chance to start my paper yet. Now that Anthony and Dr. Bradley weren't using their magic to make sure I passed all my classes, I had to find time to keep up with schoolwork on my own. After years of not worrying about tests and papers and homework, getting back into school mode wasn't easy. Hopefully, I'd get the hang of it soon.

As we got closer to the village, I realized it only looked cute from a distance. The houses, which were clearly made out of gingerbread, were rotting and moldy, the gardens looked gray and lifeless, and the air smelled like a mix of manure and old fruit.

“Ewww!” Melissa sang, crinkling her nose.

“Is this all because of the magic fading?” I asked.

Anthony nodded. “Magic was woven into the villagers' lives. When it started to disappear, everything else started falling apart too. Which reminds me—once I drop you off at the palace, I'll need to be on my way. The longer I stay here, the weaker my own magic will get.”

By now, I was used to Anthony disappearing during my adventures, but this time I wished he could stay. It felt right, somehow, for him to be with me if I found out anything about my parents. But I'd just have to fill him in later.

As we got closer to the village, I spotted the palace perched on a hill just beyond it, like a dull gray tiara. The palace was such a depressing sight that I went back to studying the village. I noticed a few brightly colored banners strung from some of the rooftops.

“Are they getting ready for a parade?” I couldn't imagine what a land in this kind of shape could be celebrating.

Melissa's face lit up. “Maybe they're throwing us a welcome party!”

Anthony and I exchanged knowing looks. I couldn't remember the last time someone had thrown a celebration to welcome me, but I let Melissa enjoy the idea.

Meanwhile, Trish was taking everything in with enormous eyes. Each time she blinked, I could practically hear the
click
of a camera as she memorized every detail.

As we continued along the road, we spotted a couple of teenage boys coming toward us with fishing rods slung over their shoulders. The boys looked almost like your typical fairy-tale peasants—with clothes made out of burlap and leather—except for their hats. One was wearing a cap made of dirty old socks, and the other had a leather hat that had been patched with leaves. I had a feeling the strange headgear was another sign that the villagers were having a hard time figuring out how to live without magic.

“Catch anything?” I called to the boys, thinking I might get more info about this weird land.

They stopped walking and gave us all suspicious looks. “You're not from around here,” one of them said from under his sock hat. “Otherwise, you'd know that no one's caught anything in more than a year. We keep trying, but it's useless.”

“Because of the dwindling magic?” I asked. I could see Melissa eyeing the boys, clearly trying to figure out if they were cute or not. Their faces were covered in so much dirt that the two of them might have looked like ducks underneath. Meanwhile, Trish was still scribbling away.

“What else would it be?” said the other boy before spitting on the ground. Apparently, these boys had the manners of ducks too. “No magic means no magic fish.”

“What do you eat, then?” Trish jumped in, her pencil poised in midair.

“Well, we tried farming, but no one in the village could figure out how to do it. These days, we mostly have to depend on the festival,” one of the boys said. Before I could ask what he meant, he took a step toward me and said: “So who are you?”

I opened my mouth to do my usual introductory spiel, but Anthony jumped in first.

“We're just passing through,” he said a little too loudly. “In fact, we should be hurrying along.” Then he herded me, Trish, and Melissa down the road.

“What was that all about?” I said as Anthony pushed us in the direction of the palace.

“Look, I didn't want to be the one to tell you this,” said Anthony, “but adventurers aren't all that popular around here.”

“What? Why?” I'd met creatures that were skeptical about adventurers, but I'd never been to a place where I had to hide my identity. I did enough of that in my regular life.

Anthony tried to keep walking, but I pulled him to a stop and made him face me. His chest was heaving as he tried to catch his breath after walking so fast on his short legs.

“Tell me what's going on,” I said. “Why are you and Dr. Bradley acting so weird today?”

Anthony glanced over my shoulder at Trish and Melissa. Then he took my arm and gently pulled me aside. “It's because of your mom and dad,” he said softly. “They're the reason people here don't trust the Committee.”

I stared at him. All this time he'd claimed he didn't know anything about my parents' final mission, and now it turned out he'd been holding out on me.

“Your parents were the last adventurers sent here,” Anthony went on. “They were asked to deal with Ilda, who was a problem even then. She loves to play tricks on people. The magic-sucking curse is just her biggest one. You won't believe what she did to the king and queen—”

“My parents,” I reminded him. “
How
are they involved in all of this?”

“After your parents disappeared, the magic started to disappear too. Even though Ilda is clearly behind the curse, the timing was a little too coincidental. You wondered if the two things were connected. So did the villagers. That's why they didn't want the Committee's help anymore, and that's why they have a grudge against adventurers.”

“Jenny?” I heard Melissa say, but I ignored her. I needed to get the whole truth.

“So you're saying that no one here wants my help, and they think my parents were in cahoots with an evil witch?” No wonder Dr. Bradley had wanted to prepare me for the mission.

“Basically,” said Anthony.

“Um, guys?” said Trish, a note of panic in her voice. “Is that normal?”

Anthony glanced over my shoulder and his rosy face went pale. “An angry mob heading straight for us?” he said. “Nope. I would say that's not normal at all.”