My Epic Fairy Tale Fail (7 page)

The farther we were from Irwin's cave, the less freaked out I got. Whoever was following us clearly didn't want to hurt us, at least not right now. Otherwise, they would have already tried. Most likely, Ilda or one of her spies was keeping tabs on us. The only thing I was sure of was that it wasn't Sir Knight, since we would have heard his soundtrack echoing through the woods.

“Jenny,” Trish said after we'd been walking for a while. “Is there any way we could stop and get something to eat? I'm starving.”

“There aren't really any restaurants around here,” I told her.

“Well, isn't there a peasant who could take us in and feed us? You know, like in real fairy tales?” Trish's face looked dreamy, as if she were imagining a kind old woman bent over a big pot of bubbling stew.

“Sorry,” I said. “Even if we found someone, I don't think they'd want to help us, not after the welcome we got at the palace.” I rifled around in my bag and took out one of the granola bars I always kept for emergencies. “Will this work? It's a little smushed, but it's edible.” I didn't mention that Leonard had started to nibble through the wrapper.

Trish didn't look thrilled, but she unwrapped the granola bar and bit off a hunk without comment.

We'd taken a few more steps before Melissa stopped. “Jenny, there isn't a bathroom anywhere, is there?”

Didn't she know heroes didn't have time to go to the bathroom? I pointed to a nearby shrub. “Can you make do with that?”

Melissa sighed and went toward the bushes with a resigned look on her face. I wondered if this part of the adventure would find its way into Trish's English paper. I wasn't sure Mrs. Brown would appreciate an essay on the bathroom habits of magical creatures.

Finally, we set off again in the direction of the second challenge. All I knew was that Ilda had mentioned a lake. I wished I'd thought to pack a bathing suit. Diving for magical objects in jeans and a T-shirt didn't sound all that comfortable.

Soon we passed by a farm where a few boys were running around in a circle and squealing like pigs.

“What are they doing?” said Melissa, just as the boys noticed us and started to come toward the rotting wooden fence. They were all stick-thin, like they hadn't had a good meal in months.

The smallest boy in the group was clearly the bravest since he marched right over to us while the others hung back.

“You're the adventurer,” he said, looking me up and down.

I nodded. “That's me. What are you guys doing?”

“My brothers and I are practicing for the pig race,” he said. “I came in third out of all the boys at the festival last year. This year, I'm going to win, and Ilda will stock our barn with grain.” The boy was far too young to be worrying about feeding his family, but he was clearly taking the whole thing very seriously.

“Let me guess. Ilda turns you into pigs before you race?” I said.

The boy nodded. “It tickles a little, but it's worth it. Even if I do snort-laugh for days after.”

I couldn't believe the way the boy was talking, like he didn't see anything wrong with what Ilda was doing. How could people live like this? It was the furthest thing from a fairy tale I could imagine. There was no way I'd let Ilda get away with it anymore. When I glanced at Melissa and Trish, they were obviously thinking the same thing.

“What's your name?” I asked.

“Jack Beanstalk,” the boy said, flashing a crooked grin.

“Your last name is Beanstalk?” I said.

The boy shrugged. “Not really, but that's what they call me. Ever since I threw those beans out the window.”

“Wait!” said Melissa. “You're
that
Jack?”

“Where's your beanstalk?” said Trish, scanning the area. She was practically bouncing with excitement.

The boy's eyes widened. “You've heard of it? It's not much to look at now that the magic is almost gone, but it used to be amazing. It grew overnight, almost all the way up to the sky!” His face fell. “Now it's not growing at all. It doesn't even have any beans on it.”

“Who knows,” I said. “When the magic comes back, maybe the beanstalk will get so big that it really will go all the way up to the sky.” My friends and I exchanged knowing looks as Jack's face lit up again.

“I hope so!” he said. “Just think how many beans would grow on it then. We wouldn't be hungry at all!”

“Especially if you like golden eggs,” Melissa chimed in.

Jack's face scrunched in confusion. “What?”

I elbowed Melissa. There was no need to spoil Jack's future adventures for him. “Jack,” I said. “Do you think you could do me a favor and share this food with your brothers?”

I reached in my bag and almost yelped as Leonard nipped my finger. Luckily, I managed to pull out my remaining granola bars with all my digits still intact.

Jack's big eyes got even wider. “You're giving us your food?”

I nodded and put the granola bars into his hands. “And don't worry,” I said. “You won't have to be turned into a pig again. I'm going to fix things. I promise.” There I went again, promising things. I was a promise-a-holic.

Jack grinned and turned to run back to his brothers on his skinny legs. As I watched the kids tear into the granola bars like they were the best things in the universe, I knew I had to keep my promise. No matter what.

When we got to the lake, the three of us let out a collective “ew.” The water was so thick and green that it reminded me of split pea soup.

Near the edge of the lake, I noticed an older man sitting in a rowboat that was perched in the bushes. He was swinging an oar around like he was trying to push the boat through the air.

“Hey there!” I said, going over to him. This man didn't appear completely sane, but maybe he could give us a hint about our task. “What are you doing?”

“It won't move,” he said, huffing as he kept swinging the oar through the air. “Every day I come out here, hoping it'll work again, but it won't.”

“What won't?” I said as Melissa and Trish came up beside me.

“The boat. It used to bring me out onto the lake every morning and float around to all the best fishing spots. Now it just sits here, useless.”

“Did it used to run on magic?” Trish asked.

The man stopped swinging the oar and frowned at her. “Of course,” he said. “How else would it work?”

The three of us exchanged looks. “By putting it in the water and rowing it yourself?” Melissa said slowly, as if she were explaining the idea to a toddler.

“But what would protect me from the monster?” The man looked at us like we were crazy.

“There's a monster in the lake?” Trish's cheeks flushed with obvious excitement.

The man shook his head, pursing his already-wrinkled lips. “It's best not to speak of the creature, or it will come.”

“But what kind of monster is it?” I asked. “What does it do?”

The man stumbled out of the boat looking ready to run, as if he expected the monster to appear at any second. “It lures you in,” he whispered. “And then it eats you.” He turned and hurried away, leaving his boat behind.

“You don't really think the monster eats people, do you?” said Melissa after the old fisherman had disappeared down the path.

“Probably not,” I said, not wanting to scare her.

Instead of looking relieved, Melissa looked disappointed. “I've never met a flesh-eating sea monster before.”

“We still might,” said Trish, clearly trying to cheer her up.

Obviously, my friends still didn't understand how dangerous missions could be. They were treating our adventure as if it were a game.

“Okay, we need a plan,” I said. “We know there's an object somewhere in this lake.” I turned to Trish. “What do people in fairy tales usually do in situations like this?”

Trish thought for a minute and then flipped through her book of tales. “A lot of times, they have to make a deal with a magical fish to help take them to the bottom of the lake.”

“Well, we already know there are no magical fish here.” I glanced at the murky water. Then I grabbed a pebble and tossed it into the lake. It sank and disappeared into the soupy grossness. I held my breath and waited, but nothing happened.

“Maybe that old man was wrong,” said Trish.

Or maybe he was right, and a pebble wasn't enough to interest this particular monster.

I bent down and carefully dipped my fingers into the water, praying they wouldn't get bitten off. Instantly, something slimy flicked past me. I yanked my hand back, trying to see what it was. The water rippled and then quieted. Whatever lived in the lake, I'd definitely gotten its attention.

I bent down again, about to reach my hand in when—

Splash!

Something stuck its enormous head out of the water. It looked like a green worm with droopy eyes and nubby giraffe horns. Not quite the killer monster I'd been expecting.

“Nommy?” it said in a low, slow voice.

“Um, what?” I said.

As the monster swam closer, a glance at its fins told me just how huge it was, probably half the size of the lake.

“It's soooo cute,” said Melissa. She seemed to think every creature in the Land of Tales was coo-worthy. Hopefully, no one would ever put her in charge of creating a petting zoo.

“Nommy,” the creature said again as it studied us with its pale green eyes.

“Don't you think it looks like the Loch Ness monster?” Trish said behind me. “Maybe this is where the myth came from.” I could hear her taking notes as she talked. Didn't her hand ever get tired?

“Aw, poor Nessie. He looks so sad,” said Melissa. I didn't ask how she knew the monster was a boy.

“Excuse me!” I called to the monster. “Do you happen to know where we can find an object in this lake?”

“Nommy,” he replied, slowly blinking his eyes. Oh well, it had been worth a shot.

“Do you think he's hungry?” said Melissa.

“Either that or he's looking for his mommy.” I certainly hoped the creature wasn't wondering what we would taste like with a side of seaweed.

“He probably
is
hungry,” said Trish, still focused on her notes. “I doubt there's much left for him to eat in the lake now that the fish are gone.”

I looked around and spotted some berries growing nearby. A well-fed monster was much more likely to be cooperative. I had my friends help me gather some berries, hoping the monster didn't mind some fruit in his diet.

“Here comes the airplane!” I said, chucking a handful of berries into Nessie's mouth.

The monster flinched in surprise as the fruit hit his tongue. Then he opened his mouth wider, clearly wanting more. When our fingers were stained with juice and the berries were all gone, the monster finally looked happy.

“Now,” I said. “Can you show us where we can find an object in this lake?”

“Hugsies,” the monster said. His tail snaked toward us like a giant arm. “Hugsies.”

“Look!” said Melissa. “What's that on Nessie's tail?”

I squinted and spotted something thin and metal wrapped up in the monster's curly appendage. “That has to be the object we're looking for. Nessie, can you give us what's in your tail?”

The monster's eyes narrowed, and he shook his head. “Hugsies!”

“He clearly wants something in exchange for the object,” said Trish.

Melissa laughed. “I thought you were supposed to be the smart one. Obviously, he wants a hug!” She stepped forward and held her arms out like she was waiting for someone to put a straightjacket on her. “Here you go, Nessie. Come get your hug!”

“Wait!” I cried, but it was too late. Again.

The monster's tail lashed out and wound itself around Melissa's waist. Then his tail retracted and the beast dove under the water. Taking Melissa with him.

“Melissa!” I rushed into the water, feeling like my body was in slow motion. When I was up to my knees, I glanced over my shoulder to see Trish frozen in place. “Help me!” I cried. But she didn't move.

I kept pushing through the water until I was almost up to my waist. Then I sucked in a breath and got ready to dive where I'd seen Nessie disappear.

But at that moment, I felt the lake start to churn around me, and the monster broke the surface of the water only a few feet away.

“Melissa!” I cried as I spotted her still curled up in the monster's tail. She was coughing, which at least meant she was still alive.

“I'm fine!” she said, wiping green slime off her face. “I think he just got a little too excited.”

“Hugsies,” said Nessie.

“Ooh!” Melissa said. “You sure have a strong grip, don't you, boy?”

“Let go of her!” Trish yelled behind me, finally finding her voice.

“It's fine, guys,” said Melissa. “He's not going to hurt me.” Then her eyes widened. “Oh. He's…ouch.”

“What's happening?” I said.

Melissa's face paled. “He's…squeezing…me…”

“Hugsies,” the monster said. He coiled around Melissa protectively and swam farther out in the lake, reminding me of a little kid who couldn't wait to play with his shiny new toy.

“What are we going to do?” said Trish as she rushed into the water beside me. “He's going to squeeze her to death!”

I stared as Nessie twirled in a circle in the middle of the lake, Melissa nestled in his tail. She was struggling to get out of his grip, but she wouldn't be able to fight for long.

“Wait on the shore,” I told Trish. I had no choice but to swim after the monster and hope he didn't start hugging me to death too.

I kicked off through the water, going as fast as I could. But as I got farther into the lake, I felt something nip at my legs. Once. Twice. Ten times.

“Ow!” I cried, slimy water pouring into my mouth. Obviously there
were
fish in the lake, and they were anything but friendly. When one chomped into my ankle, I knew I had to turn back to the shore. I wouldn't do Melissa any good if I was chewed to pieces.

“What happened?” Trish cried as I stumbled out of the water, blood trickling down my leg.

“It's no use,” I said, panting. “I can't swim out there. We have to find another way.”

“But how?” said Trish, her voice shaking. “We don't even know how to deal with the monster.”

My mind was spinning. “We have to think! How did Sir Knight do it?”

Trish pulled her book of fairy tales out of her bag again and started frantically leafing through it. “I don't know,” she muttered to herself. “I just don't know.”

I tried to imagine what Sir Knight must have done when he'd come to the lake. No doubt, he'd told Nessie just how brave he was. Then, after the monster had started turbo-hugging him, Sir Knight had probably waved his sword around without actually hitting anything except maybe himself.

“Clang!” I yelled. Nothing happened. “Ding!” The monster didn't even flinch.

What else could Sir Knight have done? Then I realized…

“He sang!” I said.

“What?” said Trish.

“Sir Knight probably did it by accident. He started humming like he does when he's trying to be heroic, and it had some kind of effect on the monster.”

Trish snapped her book shut in excitement. “You might be right. But what do we sing?”

“I don't know,” I admitted, limping back toward the edge of the lake. “Maybe any song is fine.” I cleared my throat, self-conscious about letting loose my horrible singing voice, but there was no time to be shy. I opened my mouth and started singing the first song that popped into my head.

Jenny
is
an
adventurer

She
couldn't be any awesomer.

I couldn't believe I was belting a song about how awesome I was. Talk about embarrassing.

The minute I started to sing, Nessie's head snapped up, and he eyed me curiously.

“It's working,” said Trish as the monster started drifting toward us, a dreamy look sweeping over his face. “Keep singing, Jenny. Louder!”

I had no choice but to keep broadcasting Melissa's song in my off-key voice. For another moment, Nessie enjoyed the music. He was closer to the shore and his tail uncoiled a little. But when I hit a couple of wrong notes, he cringed and let out a howl.

“It's not working,” I said. “My singing is just too terrible. Trish, maybe you should try?”

Trish nodded and started singing the same song. Her voice was a lot better than mine, but it was so breathy and quiet that it barely carried two feet. Nessie stopped swimming toward us and turned back to his prize.

“No!” cried Trish, clearly hysterical. “He's going to eat her!”

Suddenly a sweet, haunting voice rang out on the lake: Melissa's.

Instantly, Nessie's face relaxed, and he even started to hum along—as much as a giant worm with tiny ears
could
hum, anyway. Compared to him, I'd sounded like a Broadway star.

The monster floated toward the edge of the lake, and I could hear him purring like a motorcycle. He lifted his tail and carefully deposited Melissa on the ground. Then he murmured happily to himself, a little smile on his green face, and drifted away on his back.

I caught Melissa as she stumbled out of the water. She looked pale and terrified, but her voice was as gorgeous as ever.

When Nessie had disappeared under the water, Melissa's singing finally quieted. She gave us a little smile, took a step forward, and crumpled on the ground.