My Heart Says Yes (16 page)

       “Daddy, whenever I try to tell you
something about what is going on in my life you never seem very interested. 
You rarely ask me any questions about what’s going on in my life and I think we
need to talk to someone.”  My heart was pounding waiting for his answer.

      
That got his attention.

       “What do you mean you think we need
to talk with someone?”

       “I think we need to see a
professional so that we can hash out all of our issues.  I don’t want our
relationship to be like this for the rest of our lives dad, I want a better
relationship with you.”

       He was silent for a few minutes and
looked a little bit uncomfortable as he was thinking over what I had just said.

       “Emma, I’m trying to understand what
you are saying.  Exactly what
issues
do you think we have?”

       I took a deep breath because I could
feel myself starting to get really annoyed.  My dad was not being honest with
either one of us in that moment.  I looked at him trying to gauge where his
head was.

       “Daddy, I am totally speaking from
the heart here and I am not blowing anything out of proportion.  I honestly
feel that you would rather not have me around.  I notice you looking at me
sometimes and it’s not always a nice look that I see on your face.  I know that
Katie is your favorite and the twins are a close second.  Sometimes I feel that
you couldn’t care less what happens to me.  And when I broke up with Jordan?  I
think that the real reason you were upset is because you wanted Jordan to take
me off of your hands, and then the second reason after that is I think you were
upset that we wouldn’t be meshing with his family.”

My dad squirmed in his
chair a little bit as I continued.

“I know that his family
has a lot of connections and I think you were caught up in what others would
think, the kind of status it would give our family, over and above the status
we already have, if Jordan and I got married.  I don’t think that you were
concerned with my happiness at all.  Ever since I was a little girl, you never
paid much attention to me.  I know that I have always excelled in school and
you didn’t think that I needed to hear how proud you were of me, but I did
daddy, I still do.  Just because I was smart and the work came easy, doesn’t
mean that I don’t need to hear that my father is proud of me.  I don’t think
you have ever said that to me, ever.  Mom has, but I have never heard it from
you.”

       My dad sat there stunned and then
the strangest thing happened, I saw tears welling up in his eyes.  That shocked
me and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I don’t think I had ever seen my
dad cry.  His shoulders started to shake and he put his hand over his face as
the tears spilled down his cheeks and I didn’t know what to do.  After a few
seconds, I reached out and put my hand on his knee.

       “Don’t cry daddy, I didn’t mean to
make you cry.  I just wanted you to understand how I am feeling.”

       He cried for a couple of minutes and
I got up to get him some tissues from his desk.  He wiped his eyes and blew his
nose and after a couple of minutes he composed himself and we were able to
continue talking.  He turned red eyes toward me and I could see the sadness
there.

       “Emma, I had no idea that you were
so hurt for all of these years.”  He grabbed my hand and looked at me with
sincerity.  “First of all, I do care what happens to you.  I would never want
you to be hurt in any way and I would rather that I endure all of your pain so
that you wouldn’t have to, than have you endure one second of pain.  The fact
that it has been me causing all of this pain for you, I can’t tell you how
awful I feel about that.  Second, about Jordan, the only reason I was upset is
because I really thought that you loved him honey.  I thought that by me
telling you that you wouldn’t find someone like him again, that you would
realize how you really felt about him and you would get back together with him.
 I said that only to help you avoid any kind of heartache honey.”

He looked at me and then
he looked down at the ground.  “Emma, I am so sorry that I made that nasty
comment about your looks, I never should have said that and I have no excuse
for it.  I think that you are beautiful honey and I always have, no matter what
your size was.  I have to admit that I was also a little bit upset about
Jordan’s family not being our in-laws.”  He quickly explained why.  “But it’s
not what you think.  Mom is such good friends with Jordan’s mom, she was
excited about being her sister-in-law.  So I was upset for mom because she was
let down.  But that is no excuse for what I said to you and for the rest of my
life I am going to have to live with what I said and how I hurt you.” 

He shifted in his chair
and grabbed my other hand.  “I have always been proud of you Emma, you’re my
little girl, my first born.  I’ve never been very expressive with my feelings
and I should have told you how proud I am of you, because I am, honey.  I am
very proud of all that you have accomplished.  And now you have moved to
Chicago and I know you are going to be a huge success there.  Emma, I guess I
never worried about you because you have always been so smart and mature.  Mom
and I have always been able to rely on you because you have always been so
responsible, even from the time you were a very little girl.  I probably gave
more attention to your sisters because they need it more than you do, or at
least I thought they did. They are just not as strong as you Emma, they don’t
have your confidence.  So I guess I felt that they needed me more than you did
and I could not have been more wrong.  I feel just awful that you have been
feeling like for all this time.  Why didn’t you come to me sooner?”

       “I guess I thought if I said
anything then you might not want to ever talk to me so I figured the little bit
of interaction that we had would be better than none at all.”

       “Oh honey, that’s not true at all. 
I know that I wasn’t around a lot because I was working so much building the
business and I can’t take that back.  I wanted to make sure that I built
something that would provide for all of you forever.  But I want you to know
that I do love you, and I am proud of you, and you can always come to me about
anything.  I promise you that I will ask you more about what is going on in
your life, because I want to know that you’re happy. If you ever need anything,
no matter the time, day or night, I will always be here for you.  Also, I want
you to know that I am more than happy to go to therapy with you. I will ask
around and find a few people and give you the information and then you can
decide who you feel most comfortable with us talking to.”

       I could not believe that we had had
such an incredible breakthrough and I don’t know if I had ever been happier
about something family related in my life.  It was like a huge weight has been
lifted off of me and a new chapter was going to begin in my relationship with
my dad, and I was really looking forward to letting him get to know who Emma
Blakely was.  I reached out and gave him a big hug and I did not want to let
go.

       “I love you dad, thank you so much
for talking about this with me today, and thank you for agreeing to go to
therapy with me.”

       My dad hugged me back and for the
first time in my life I could feel that he loved me.  “I love you too
sweetheart.”

       My mom had tears in her eyes when I
told her about the great talk that dad and I had.  That night we rented a movie,
made some popcorn and had a really good time, just the three of us.  Although I
would’ve liked for my sisters to be there, it was really nice to have such
incredible quality time alone with my parents and I knew that this was a
turning point in our relationship moving forward. 

Even with everything
that was happening with Caleb, I could not have been in a better mood when I
went back to Chicago the next day.  My dad and I were on a new path and I was
excited to see where it would take us.

When I got home there
was still no word from Caleb, no message for me on our answering machine and no
emails.  I really tried not to let it bother me but the more I thought about
him the more pissed I got. What right did he have to treat me like this? 
The
next time I see him I’m going to let him have it. 
I knew that I was bound
to see him again because not only did we both know Rena, we both volunteered at
the same center and I doubted he would quit volunteering at the center because
he been there for so long, and he really loved the people there.

I called Katie at school
that night and told her about my talk with dad and how well it went.

“Oh my gosh Emma, that
is awesome!  See, I told you that daddy loved you.”

“I know Katie, but I
really didn’t think that he liked me as a person.  But we got everything out on
the table and he even agreed to go to therapy with me which shocked me.”

“I’m really happy that
you guys were able to talk and get started on a better path.  I can’t wait till
we’re all home again because it’s going to be so much more awesome next time. 
Hey, have you heard from Caleb yet?”

“No, but I’m not going
to stress about it because I’m sure I will see him next weekend at the center. 
Caleb Morgan has no idea that I won’t tolerate being treated this way.  I’ll
definitely keep you posted on what happens with that.”

We talked for a few more
minutes and she told me about everything I was going on at school and which guy
she was crushing on this week.  She sounded happy and that is what was most
important to me.

When Kelly came home the
next day from her boyfriend’s place, I filled her in on everything that
happened with my dad and told her how he had agreed to go to therapy with me
and she was so happy for me.

“Emma, I really think this
is going to be a huge turning point for you and your dad and I am so excited
for you. I think you should really try to make an effort to talk to him
regularly, maybe once a week or something like that.”

“I plan to, and we both
agreed that we need to talk more often.”

“Things are looking up
at home for you and things will look up here as well, you’ll see.”

“I hope so Kel, because
I really miss him.”

One trait that I had
always had, which I was extremely thankful for was that I was able to focus on
the work that needed to get done no matter what personal turmoil I may have
been experiencing at the time.  So even though I was super bummed about Caleb,
I did not let it affect the work that I had to do for school.  The rest of that
week I focused on a couple of papers that I needed to prepare for different
classes, and Marta and I worked on our big project that was due at the end of
the semester, so I had a few really late nights.  By the time Friday rolled
around I was exhausted both physically from all of the late nights, and
emotionally from my conversation with my dad, and I was ready for the weekend. 
I walked into my last class of the day and plopped down in my seat next to
Marta.

Marta turned to me. 
“You look exhausted.”

“That is an
understatement.  I can’t wait until this class is over so that I can go home
and crash in my bed.”

“I hear you, I’m going
to do the same thing.”

I was really happy when
our professor walked in because the sooner the class started, the sooner it
would be over, and I was so ready for it to be over.  He was looking through
his papers and getting organized when my elbow knocked my pen off of the
table.  I bent down to pick it up and as I sat up my eyes glanced toward the
door because I heard someone walking in, and my mouth suddenly went dry. 
Staring back at me were the gorgeous dark eyes that had me mesmerized since the
first time I saw them.  A small smile quickly spread across his face as his
eyes captured mine, and then he turned his attention toward the rest of the
class. 
What is Caleb doing here?
 
And why is he smiling at me, is he
kidding?
  I had nervous knots in my stomach as I watched him standing in
front of all of us, tall and so gorgeous.

       Marta leaned over to whisper to me.
“Hey, isn’t that the guy from the party a few weeks ago?  He’s so hot!”

       She had no idea that Caleb and I had
anything going on.  I sat there stunned, unable to move, as I tried to process
what he was doing in my classroom, and then I remembered that he told me that
he had been a guest speaker at my school in the past.  Our professor was
talking so I had to snap out of my stupor and pay attention.

       “Okay guys, today our guest speaker
is Caleb Morgan who is a graduate student at the Art Institute.”

       Caleb stood up and looked around at
all of us.  “Thank you Professor Jansen.  As your professor stated I am a
graduate student at the Art Institute, and I also will be opening an art
gallery next summer to which all of you will receive a personal invitation.  I
think it is important for art and design students to get as much hands on
experience as they can, so I hope I will see you all there.  A little bit about
my experience, I designed the layout and logo for this year’s information
packet for your school and I have designed numerous campaigns for various clothing
companies as well as painted many pieces that are on display throughout the
city.  I want to find out what you know, and I want to teach you what I know so
that you will all be the best designers that you can possibly be.  I am going
to pack as much information as possible into the two hours that we will be
together today.”