My Heart Says Yes (15 page)

I went to class the next
morning wondering what time Caleb would be calling me, still thoroughly
convinced that I would hear from him sometime that day.  The day flew by and then
before I knew it, it was midnight and I was exhausted and also hurt because I
had not heard from him.  I didn’t understand why after such an incredible date
and night in bed together he had not called me.  He made me believe that he was
really into me and now I was starting to think that he said all those things
just to get me into bed.  I thought back to when he told me that the sex was
amazing and he knew that it would be.  Was he just curious about what sex would
be like with me?  Did he just use me?  I fell asleep wondering if everything I
thought I had with Caleb was all a lie.

I woke up the next day
completely unmotivated and I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I had to.  I
had a presentation in one of my classes that day and I couldn’t miss it.  As I
was riding the train to school, I was thinking about how well Caleb and I had
gotten along and how natural it seemed to be with him.  It just didn’t make any
sense that he wouldn’t call me and the more I thought about it the more I
started to worry.  The thought popped into my head that maybe he was hurt and
he
couldn’t
call me.  I decided that I would call Rena later that day to
see if Caleb had been in class. 

I left a message for her
that afternoon and she called me back later that night.  “Yeah, he’s been in
class, he’s super stressed about a huge project that we have due in a couple of
weeks.”

“Oh, okay, I hadn’t
heard from him so I just wanted to make sure that he’s okay. Well, since he
seems to be just fine, I guess I will just go on about my life.”

Now I was really hurt
because this meant that he was intentionally blowing me off, and I know that I
didn't hide the sarcasm from my voice so I’m sure that Rena could sense it.

“Don’t worry Emma, I’m
sure that you’ll hear from him soon, he gets like this every time we have a big
project that’s due. I promise you it has nothing to do with you and it has
everything to do with him and how he handles stress. I’m serious, don’t worry,
I know how much he cares about you because he confided in me.  You’ll hear from
him.”

I really wanted to
believe her but it was hard because if you really cared about someone you
wouldn’t just leave them feeling like you had totally used them, and that is
exactly how I felt.  I was starting to feel really pissed at him and I didn’t
want it to come out as if I were upset with Rena so I thanked her for the info
and told her that I had to go and I would talk to her later. 
So, nothing is
wrong with him and he hasn’t called me. What a jerk!  Just wait until I see him
at the senior center this weekend, he’ll be sorry that he ever met me.
  I
told myself that no one was going to use me the way he did.

When I got home that
night, I cried to Kelly about Caleb blowing me off.  She had stayed at David’s
place the last few nights so she didn’t know that I hadn’t talked to him.

“Oh honey, don’t cry,
there has to be some explanation for why you haven’t heard from him.  You know,
people deal with stress in all kinds of ways, maybe he’s the type that retreats
until the storm passes.”

“But that’s not fair to
me Kel!  He shouldn’t just completely shut out the person that he is beginning
a relationship with.  He’s not thinking about my feelings at all and that is
not the type of guy that I need or want in my life.”  I sat there for a minute,
my tears drying up, and thought about what I’d just said and it was as if I had
an epiphany. “You know what? I’m done with him. I’m not going to put up with
this crap, I deserve way better than him.”

Kelly hesitated at first
but then she told me what was on her mind.  “Emma, you know I love you, and
normally I would totally agree with you, but I think you’re making a mistake.
You really should just give it a little bit of time and hear him out because I
guarantee you he’s going to call you sooner or later.”

“Is that really fair to
me to have to sit around and wait for him? Why should everything be on his
schedule? What about my feelings in all of this?”

Kelly could see that I
was upset and she backed off a little bit with encouraging me to just wait for
him to call.  “Okay, I know you’re pissed so I’ll drop it…for now.”

I gave her an
appreciative glance and we changed the subject and decided to make dinner.  We
chatted about clothes and shoes and decided that we’d go shopping that weekend
after I was done volunteering at the senior center.  I climbed into bed that
night and I decided that I was going to push Caleb out of my mind and try to
not even think about him until I ran into him at the center on Saturday. I
would just deal with whatever what happened at that time. I’d given him enough
of my time and energy and I wasn’t going to do it anymore.     

When Saturday rolled
around I was extremely nervous about what would happen when I saw Caleb that
day. I took my time getting ready so that I would look as pretty as possible to
help me feel more confident and less nervous when I confronted Caleb.  When I
got to the center I was distracted and I found myself checking the door every
couple of minutes to see if Caleb had arrived yet.  Jack and Mary could tell
that I was preoccupied and that I wasn’t quite myself.

“Emma dear, is
everything alright?” Mary looked really concerned and the last thing I wanted
to do was upset anyone at the center, so I decided to put on a happy face for
the rest of the afternoon.  Caleb never showed up that day and it made me feel
even worse.  I knew that he really loved this place and the fact that he didn’t
show up made me feel that he was trying to avoid me at all costs.

I was supposed to go
shopping with Kelly that afternoon but I really wasn’t up to it so I went home,
packed a bag and decided to take the train and go see my parents for a couple
of days. I needed to get away and I didn’t have anything important on Monday in
school so it would be okay if I skipped class that day.

When I got home that
night it was almost 9:00 and my mom was really excited to see me, but she was
also worried because it was 9:00 on a Saturday night.  Katie was away at
college and the twins were away for the weekend on a field trip for school so
it was just mom, my dad and me that weekend.

“Emma, are you okay? 
Did something happen?”

“Mom, does something
have to happen for me to come home for a visit?”

“No, of course not honey
but you have to admit that your timing is a bit strange.”

       “I just needed a break mom, and I
missed you guys.”

       My mom looked into my eyes,
searching, and I could tell that she knew something was wrong.  She gently put
her hand on my cheek and gave me a soft smile.  “Honey, I know you, now let’s
go sit down so that we can talk.”

       My dad was in the study and he came
out to say hi to me but then he went back to reading his book.  Typical.  But I
didn’t care, I had my mom to myself for the first time I a really long time and
I couldn’t wait to tell her all about Caleb.

       I talked and talked, telling her all
about him from the first time I met him until the last time I saw him.  I
didn’t give her any of the sex details, of course, but I made sure to get
across how special and different I thought this relationship was.

       “Well, from what you’re telling me
Emma, it sounds like he really cares for you.  Now maybe he is the kind of
person who retreats when they are under a lot of stress, a lot of people handle
it that way. I think that you should give it some time and just wait to see if
you hear from him. I know that’s not going to be easy but, trust me, I really
think that you’ll hear from him again.”

       “You don’t think he was playing
games with me?”

       My mom had a really sincere look on
her face as her eyes searched mine. “No honey, I really don’t. Just wait and
see, I’m sure you’re going to hear from him soon. And when you do, you both
need to make sure that you are very open about the importance of communicating.
If he is the type who handles stress by retreating, then he needs to be honest
with you about that and hopefully the two of you can figure out a way to help
him feel more comfortable opening up to you about how he’s feeling.”

       I had to admit, there was nothing
like talking to my mom to make me feel better. She always comforted me and made
me feel at ease when I was worried about something.  Since I had opened up
about how I felt about Caleb, I decided that I would talk to her more about my
relationship with my dad.  It had to change and I needed her help in getting
him to recognize that we had a problem.

       “Mom, I really want to have a better
relationship with dad and I don’t know where to start.  I know we’ve talked
about this and I really feel that he loves me a little less than the other
girls.  He may not mean to make me feel that way, but I do and I want things to
get better between us.  I think we should go see a therapist.  What do you
think?”

       I know my mom saw the hurt in my
eyes and she put her hand on my shoulder.  “Before you suggest a therapist to him,
just talk to him Emma, tell him how you feel.”

       “I don’t want him to be upset with
me.”

       “Honey, he won’t be upset with you,
he loves you.  But I think it will be good for both of you to talk.”

       “Okay, I’ll talk to him tomorrow
since it’s kind of late right now.”

       “Okay honey.  We have lunch plans at
the club, and you’re welcome to join us.”

       The “club” was a small golf club so
it wasn’t like my parents were going somewhere like the East Bank Club in
Chicago.  I didn’t really feel like making small talk with their friends so I told
her that I would just see them when they came back home in the afternoon.  I
was exhausted so I told my mom that I was going to bed and I would see them in
the morning.  It felt really good to be back in my old bed and I think I fell
asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

       The next morning I slept in and
stayed in bed for a while and thought about what my mom said about Caleb.  I
was hurt and I was pissed but most of all, I missed him.  I wanted to be with
him and no matter how I tried to forget about him I just couldn’t.  I dragged
myself out of bed a little while later because I could have wallowed in self
pity all day and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.  When I went downstairs for
breakfast, my parents were already gone and they left a note for me letting me
know that they would be back later that afternoon.

       I ran on the treadmill that we had
in our workout room in the basement for a while to get out some of the stress
that I was feeling.  Afterwards I made myself breakfast and watched TV for a
bit. It was a totally relaxing morning and it was exactly what I needed.  I
didn’t realize that I dozed off on the couch until I felt my mom shaking me
awake. 

       “Are you guys back already?” I was a
little bit disoriented when I woke up and I sat up to clear my head. “What time
is it?”

       “It’s almost 3:00.  Your dad is in
the study if you want to go talk to him.”

       “Do you think it’s a good time?
Maybe daddy wants to relax for a little bit, I don’t want to cause any stress
for him.”  

I started to tell my mom
that maybe I would wait until the next time I came home to talk to him and then
I stopped myself.
There I go again, trying to keep everyone happy and not
rocking the boat.
But this was important to me, and my dad needed to know how
I felt if we were ever going to have a better relationship, so I decided that I
should go talk to him.

       “Emma, now is the perfect time
because all he is doing is reading a book in the study. Go ahead, it will be
okay." My mom gently encouraged me and it made me feel better so I took a
deep breath, straightened my clothes and walked into the study to talk to my
dad.

       “Daddy?  Do you have a minute?”

       “What is it Emma?”  He glanced up at
me from his book and I thought I saw him look little bit annoyed. 
That
right there is why we need therapy.

       “I’d like to talk to you about
something.”

       He let out a heavy sigh and then
told me to come on in.  He put his book down and looked at me with a somewhat
impatient look.

       I closed the door behind me and sat
on the couch next to his chair so that we were facing each other.  I held his
gaze for a few seconds before I started.

       “Do you like me dad?”

       He looked shocked. “What?”

       “Do you like me? I know you love me
because I’m your child, but what I want to know is if you like me. Because I
don’t feel that you do.”

       “Emma, where is this coming from?”

       “Well, to be honest with you, it’s
coming from years of interaction with you. I have never felt that you like me
as much as you like the other girls.”

       “Honey, that’s just silly, of course
I like you, I love you.”  I could tell that he was trying to brush off the
conversation but I wasn’t going to let him off the hook so easily. I had wounds
that were deep and I wanted them to heal and I needed for him to be real with
me here.