My Life After Now (16 page)

Alone again. Naturally.

Wasn’t there a song about that? I should have learned to play it—it was my theme song lately.

I didn’t hear a single peep from Ty all weekend.

And even though there was so much other stuff—more important stuff—going on, my brainwaves were consumed by him.

Saturday night, I began my medication. I had to take it on an empty stomach, and Dr. Vandoren made it clear that because it could make me feel sick, it was best to take it before bed rather than in the morning. So, starting now, ostensibly for the rest of my life, I would have to stop eating by eight p.m. in order to take the pill at ten.

As I took that first pill, I wasn’t thinking about the side effects or what this meant for my life. All I could think about was Ty. Would he notice if I started feeling sick all the time? If he asked me out to dinner, would he think it was weird when I told him I had to go on the early side? Maybe I should keep the prescription bottle hidden, in case he saw it the next time he was in my room…

The pill slid down my throat, and for an instant, everything remained still.

My dads and I looked at each other. It was like we were waiting for something to happen, like I would immediately look healthier or something. Or sicker. But everything was the same.

Papa spoke first.

“All right, then,” he said, clasping his hands together. “Anyone up for a movie?”

“Actually, I’m going to head to bed. Love you guys,” I said.

“Love you too, honey,” Dad and Papa said in unison.

I checked my phone again one more time before crawling into bed, fully aware that Einstein’s definition of insanity was repeating the same action over and over and expecting a different result.

• • •

When Lisa came home from the hospital on Sunday, I stayed closed away in my room all day, staring at my computer and waiting for Ty to log on to instant messenger. He didn’t. That night, I finally broke down and called him, but it went straight to voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. It was an enormous effort just to bring the phone from my ear and press “end call.”

I was utterly worn out. I’d spent so much energy thinking about Ty these past two days that I had gone into overdraft. Or maybe it was an effect of the medication. All I knew was that I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.

I laid my head down on my desk and let the barriers down against the one thought I’d actively been avoiding.
Could
Ty
really
have
just
been
using
me
to
get
ahead
in
his
career?
After all, he hadn’t come crawling back until I’d gotten the commercial.

But, I weakly argued with myself, he’d seemed so
genuine
when he told me he missed me. He was exactly the same Ty Friday that he’d been when we were officially together. Was he really that good of an actor? Or (and it killed me to even think this) had our entire year-and-a-half-long relationship been an act?

Was being with the best actress in the school really all that mattered to him? Were Elyse and I some sort of
conquests
for him?

I shook the thought from my mind. Our time together was real. It had to be.

But then Monday afternoon rolled around and brought with it a fresh dose of clarity.

Because of the lingering effects of the snowstorm, we’d had a two-hour delay in the morning, and homeroom was canceled. So it was dress rehearsal time before I saw anyone from the drama club.

I was sitting on the edge of the stage lacing up my costume boots when Ty and Elyse walked in. Together. Holding hands.

I almost fell into the orchestra pit.

“What the hell?” I shouted. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared.

Ty immediately dropped Elyse’s hand and I actually saw him glance at the exit, like I was really going to let him escape. Fueled by a much-needed burst of adrenaline, I leapt off the stage and stormed his way. In the seconds it took to reach him and Elyse, understanding took hold of me. My fears had not been unfounded at all. By the time we were actually face to face, I was more scared than mad.

“Follow me,” I said, and led them into an isolated hallway. “What’s going on?” I asked quietly once we were alone.

Ty’s eyes darted around nervously. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes you do, Ty.” I nodded toward Elyse. “Does she know?”

Elyse was looking back and forth between us. “Do I know what?”

I stared at Ty and slowly breathed in and out. “I thought you weren’t with her anymore?”

“I…changed my mind,” he said.

“Right.” I nodded slightly. “Because I said I couldn’t get you a part in the commercial.”

He wouldn’t look at me. Nothing more was said for a long second. I was waiting for him to confess or at least offer an explanation. He was probably waiting for me to go away.

“Okay, seriously,
what
is going on?” Elyse asked.

I looked at Ty. “Do you want to tell her or should I?”

He just kept staring at his shoes.

I let out an exasperated sigh and turned to Elyse. “As much as I don’t like you, you deserve to know the truth. Ty came over to my house on Friday and we had sex.”

Elyse stiffened and audibly sucked in air.

“He told me you guys weren’t together anymore,” I defended myself. But then I realized something. He hadn’t said they’d broken up. He’d just said things “weren’t working.” I had substituted my own meaning for his words. Well, no way I was going to admit that now. “Or something to that effect.”

Elyse looked to Ty, her face stricken with disbelief. “Is that true?” she whispered.

Ty shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe.”

“But we were together all weekend. How…how could you do that?”

Oh god. He was such scum. He went right back to her after me. My eyes were suddenly wide open and, for the first time, I saw him clearly. I couldn’t believe I’d fallen for his whole charade.

Amazingly, I actually felt bad for Elyse. Her face was sallow, her lower lip trembling, as she waited for him to say something. She was heartbroken.

“Listen, Elyse,” I began, not quite knowing what I was going to say. I worked out my own feelings as I spoke. “You actually got the better end of the deal. At least you can still get out early. Imagine how I feel—he had me wrapped around his little finger for almost
two
years
.” I shook my head, ashamed, thinking about how much I’d loved him, and the part having my heart broken by him played in my decision to go home with Lee. “And then after everything, he shows up on my doorstep, tells me a few lies, and I immediately fall right back in his trap. Trust me, you don’t know how lucky you are that you’re finding out the truth now.”

I moved to place a comforting hand on Elyse’s shoulder, but just then there was a loud crash down the hall. My heart stuttered when I saw who had made the noise. Evan was there, his face pale, hastily collecting the sack of prop swords that he had dropped.

“I…uh, sorry,” he muttered.

“Evan…I…” I didn’t know what to say. How much had he heard?

But before I could form actual words, he turned and ran back in the direction he’d come.

I stood there frozen for a short moment, putting everything together.

Evan had heard me say I had sex with Ty. He was the only person in the school who knew about my HIV. He was scared to even go near me. And now, for all he knew, I’d given it to Ty.

I turned back to Elyse and Ty. “You guys figure out the rest. I gotta go.”

I had to find Evan before he said anything to anyone.

I caught up with him backstage, where he was steadfastly laying out the swords on the prop table.

“Evan?” I said softly.

He flinched at the sound of my voice. “I don’t want to talk about it, Lucy,” he said, not looking up.

“Just let me explain, please. It’s not what you think,” I pleaded.

His hands froze. “You didn’t have sex with him?”

“That’s…not what I meant. I just—”

He looked at me then, his eyes scorching. “Then it is what I think. Like I said, I don’t want to talk about it.” He brushed past me and walked quickly away.

• • •

I was in a panic. Evan was obviously freaked out by what he thought he knew, and he wouldn’t let me get close enough to explain that Ty and I had used protection and that there wasn’t anything to worry about. Every time I tried to bring it up backstage during the dress rehearsal, either there wasn’t enough privacy or he would pretend to be terribly busy doing some mundane prop or costume thing.

Before I knew it, it was time for our fight.

I did a few stretches to loosen up, adjusted my corset, and entered the scene. But I quickly became more interested in Evan’s lines than my own.

I’d never seen him act like this. He was so…intense.

“Romeo,” he seethed at Ty like a man out for murder, “the love I bear thee can afford no better term than this: thou art a
villain
.”

“Tybalt,” Ty responded unsurely, apparently as surprised at Evan’s sudden passion as I was, “the reason that I have to love thee doth much excuse the appertaining rage to such a greeting. Villain am I none. Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not.”

“Boy, this shall not excuse the injuries that thou hast done me,” Evan shouted back in his face. “Therefore turn and draw!”

What was going on here? It seemed like Evan was using his lines to act out some sort of real-life resentment against Ty. But that didn’t make any sense. It was me he had a problem with, not Ty. In his mind, Ty was the victim, not the villain.

Our fight scene began, and immediately I noticed a change. We should have been rehearsing in costumes all along if that was the cure for Evan’s hang-ups. He was no longer hesitant. We fell into sync from the very moment our swords collided. Our eyes locked, and as we jousted and tumbled across the stage, it felt almost like therapy, like we were finally liberating ourselves of all our unaired baggage. Our respective inner turmoils manifested themselves through our characters’ rivalry.

The fight was everything it was supposed to be—fluid and freeing, angry and beautiful.

It was strange, considering the violent nature of the moment, but as Evan and I fought, I felt a warmth inside that grew larger and hotter the deeper his eyes blazed into mine. My brain didn’t understand, but my body seemed to know that, whatever was happening right now, it was good.

But then I was accosted by a tidal wave of dizziness. Out of nowhere, the world blurred and tilted, and I instantly knew it was from the pills. But I couldn’t do anything about it right then. It’s an unspoken rule of theater that you don’t interrupt a dress rehearsal unless you absolutely have to. Besides, I could handle it. I was stumbling and struggling to remain upright, my focus on Evan lost, but I forced myself to keep up with the fight choreography as best I could. Ty was already speaking his next lines, pleading our characters to stop our battle, so all I had to do was get fake-injured, and I could collapse onto the stage, in character, and wait for the dizzy spell to subside.

The blocking of the moment was simple: I was supposed to face sideways, so that when Evan jabbed the empty space next to me it would look to the audience like I was being stabbed. Easy.

But my balance faltered again. On cue, Evan thrust his sword out at me, but we were out of sync now—and instead of slicing the air, he slashed it across my bare upper arm.

Everyone on stage stopped dead in their tracks. I didn’t feel the cut in my arm, but I knew it was there. Adrenaline made sure that I had no sensation of anything except my legs turning to jelly and the crash of my butt against the wooden stage floor. People were shouting, and the floor pulsed as Andre pounded up the stage steps.

At last, the dizziness retreated, and I slowly turned my head and looked at the cut. It was more of a gaping gash, sliding up from just above my elbow to just under my shoulder. Blood was everywhere, streaming down my arm in bright red ribbons.

I turned back to find the world had devolved into chaos. Elyse had fainted, and Ty was tending to her. Max and Courtney were running toward me, and Andre was motionless, midway between me and Elyse, as if he didn’t know who to take care of first. But it was Evan that I was zeroed in on. He leapt over Elyse and cut off Max and Courtney.

He threw himself on top of me, knocking me backward, and remained there in a protective stance as he drew the sash from around his waist and tied it tightly around my arm.

“I’ll call for an ambulance!” Max yelled.

“No!” Evan shouted back firmly, holding up a palm. “Don’t call anyone!”

I stared in terror at Evan’s hands. They were covered in my blood.

“Evan,” I gasped. “Your hands.”

“Shhhh,” he whispered, and held up a red-stained finger.

“What are you
talking
about?” Max yelled, having reached us now. “I’m calling 911. She needs stitches!”

“I’ll take her to the hospital myself,” Evan insisted, picking me up. He brought me closer to Max and Courtney and spoke under his breath, so that only the four of us could hear. “Don’t let anyone near that,” he said, nodding at the puddle of blood on the floor. “Clean it up yourself. Use bleach, make sure you wear gloves, and throw everything away when you’re done. Understand?”

Max and Courtney nodded, speechless.

I cradled my arms around Evan’s neck as he carried me toward the exit.

“I’m so sorry, Lucy,” he whispered, as we left the bloody scene behind.

Thirty-two stitches and a prescription for Tylenol with codeine later, I was discharged from the emergency room.

“I still don’t understand how this happened. Don’t you use fake weapons on stage?” Dad said when he and I met up with Andre and Evan in the waiting room. Papa was at home, on Lisa duty. He was following through with his promise to never leave her alone for the next three months, and it was already driving her crazy. He’d even hired someone to stay with her during the day and canceled the movie channels just to piss her off.

“Yes, of course we do,” Andre said, glaring at me and Evan. “Where did you even
get
those swords?”

“In the basement,” I mumbled.

Andre’s eyebrows pulled together and he thought for a moment. “Were they in a glass case?”

I nodded.

“Dammit, Lucy, those were for display only. They’re antiques from the RenFaire museum. You should have checked with me.” He turned to my dad. “If I had known Lucy and Evan weren’t abiding by the rules, I certainly would have put a stop to it.”

“We’re sorry,” I said, trying to make amends so we didn’t have to keep talking about this. “Aren’t we sorry, Evan?”

Evan just nodded. He was staring at my bandaged arm.

“What did the doctors say? Are you still going to be able to be in the show?” Andre was a worried wreck. I felt for the guy—just when the fight scene was finally working, this had to happen.

“The play really does seem to be cursed, doesn’t it?” I said, a dopey grin on my face. The painkillers were making me silly. “Just imagine if we’d done
Macbeth
.”

“Lucy,
please
don’t talk about theater curses. What are you trying to do, jinx us?” Andre shuddered. “Now, can you be in the show or not?”

“Yes, Andre, I can still be in the show.”

“Oh, thank god,” he breathed, and gave me a giant hug, being careful of my injured arm.

“All right, let’s go home. I’ve had enough of hospitals to last me awhile,” Dad said, leading us toward the exit.

“Um, actually, I think I’m going to ride home with Evan. If that’s okay with him,” I added.

“Yeah, no problem,” Evan agreed after a brief hesitation. It was no use avoiding me anymore, and we both knew it.

Dad looked from me to Evan and back again. “I suppose that’s okay,” he said. “But come straight home, all right? We have some things to talk about.”

“I will.”

He gave me a big squeeze. “See you at home, honey.”

• • •

“Are you okay?” Evan asked the moment we were alone.

I nodded. “I’ll be fine. Probably gonna have a nasty scar, but otherwise I’m okay.”

“I am
so
sorry. I can’t believe I did that. I don’t know what happened.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Evan. Honestly. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

“Lucy, I was the one holding the sword. I don’t know who else’s fault it would have been.”

I smiled. “Well, you more than made up for it. Thanks for bringing me to the hospital.”

“I just thought that if an ambulance came you would have had to tell them about the HIV, and I know you don’t want anyone to know,” he said quietly, looking down at his lap.

He was right. When I got to the emergency room, one of the first things the nurses asked me was if I had any allergies to medications or major health issues. I nervously told them about my HIV status, and they barely even blinked. But if I’d had to disclose that information to EMTs with all my castmates standing around and watching, I don’t know what I would have done. Evan had saved me.

I studied him closely. He seemed like he meant what he said. And he’d put himself in danger in order to protect my secret. To think that just a few hours ago I was worried about him telling people…

“You shouldn’t have touched my blood,” I whispered, my stomach still tied up in knots about that.

“I know. But I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to help you,” he admitted.

“Do you have any cuts on your hands?”
Please
say
no,
I added silently.

Evan held up his hands for me to see. “Nope. Perfectly intact.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. But maybe…I think you should probably still get tested in a month or so, just in case.” It pained me to even think the words, let alone say them. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to Evan because of me.

“Yeah, okay,” Evan said.

We sat there, letting the seriousness of the situation sizzle and pop in the contained atmosphere. Why was it that all of Evan’s and my most important conversations took place in a parked car?

“So I think Max and Courtney probably know something’s up,” he said, finally breaking the silence. “I’m really sorry. I know you didn’t want them to know anything. I was just trying to think on my feet and I thought them knowing would be better than Elyse…or Ty.”

I shook my head reassuringly. “No, you did the right thing. Thank you.” Then his reluctance to say Ty’s name registered in my brain. “About what you overheard in the hallway today…”

Evan looked away. “It’s none of my business.”

“No, it’s okay. I know you’re freaked out about it. But you should know that I didn’t put Ty at risk. I was really careful and we used a cond—”

“Lucy, please. I don’t need the details,” he cut me off.

“Sorry. I just want you to understand that you don’t have to worry about Ty.”

“Lucy, I couldn’t care less about Ty.”

I blinked. “But you were so upset…”

He looked me directly in the eye. “I was upset because you were with someone else, not because of Ty’s health.”

Wait. What?

I stared at him, my heartbeat picking up speed.

“Is that…why you were shouting in Ty’s face during rehearsal?” I said slowly, piecing it all together.

“You caught that?” He looked sheepish.

“I think
everyone
caught that.”

“Oh. Well, yeah, I hate that guy.”

“But you don’t like me anymore!” I cried. “You won’t even look at me half the time!”

“Lucy, I’m in love with you,” Evan said, embarrassed. “I’m
always
looking at you. I’m just good at hiding it, I guess.”

I gaped at him.

He looked down. “I’m so sorry about the way I treated you. I was just…scared.” The way he said it, it was like he couldn’t believe he was even admitting it.

“But you’re…not scared anymore?” I nudged.

He sighed. “I still am. But I’ve done a lot of reading, and I think I understand it all a little better now.” He took my hand.

As I considered our entwined fingers, Evan’s thumb stroking the back of my hand, I thought back to the last time I’d tried to touch him, the last time we were in a parked car together. It was only five weeks ago, but it seemed so much longer. So much had happened since then; things were different now. And, judging from the way Evan’s warm skin felt against mine, those things weren’t all bad.

“But I was a total jerk to you, and I get it if you don’t feel the same way about me. Or if you’re still into Ty or whatever.”

“I’m definitely
not
still into Ty.”

Evan’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Really.” But then a searing shot of pain coursed through my injured arm, reminding me that things still weren’t exactly simple. I exhaled. “But I don’t know, Evan…”

His thumb stopped moving. “You don’t know what?”

“I don’t know if you and I could ever really work. It’s complicated.”

“Because of the HIV?”

“Well, yeah. That’s the big thing, obviously. I’m in for a lifetime of health problems and medication side effects and doctors’ appointments and group meetings. It’s a lot to deal with. But also because you really hurt me, and honestly, I’m still working through that. And I know you said you’ve done a lot of research and all that, but I can’t help but worry that you’ll always be a little skittish around me.”

Evan slowly released my hand, nodding. “Okay. I understand.” He started the car and began driving in the direction of my house.

I was a mess inside. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to kiss him and have him hold me and be loved by someone as good as him. But what I said was the truth, and I had to take care of me now.

“But thank you,” I said after a while. “For everything you did today. I mean it—I’ll never forget it.”

He kept his eyes on the road and didn’t respond.

Before long we were pulling up my driveway.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said, getting out of the car. “Thanks for the ride.”

“Lucy, wait,” he called out, just as I was about to close the door. I swung it open again and bent down to look at him. “Just…think about it, okay?”

I gave a tiny smile. “Okay.”