My Number One: Kasha & Knox (11 page)

~

My escape to the place Knox had helped me turn into a home didn’t fully register until I pulled into the driveway. When I’d pulled off, I wasn’t entirely sure of my direction. I only needed to put distance behind me, not just between us. I needed Knox to be a fading memory, not a lingering desire.

My fingers gripped at the wheel. They ached as much as my poor, breaking heart. The world felt stifling, my circulation drifted away. The car that I loved so very much became unbearable, with the space contracting from every angle. Yet deep within, I felt empty, unsure to a large degree. Looking up to the moonlight that now surrounded my split-level house, I suddenly felt all alone. It hadn’t even been a problem before now, however. Behind the door of the fixer-upper I’d purchased with the help of Knox, the memories lived forever. He’d fronted the funds for me to buy the foreclosed home. We’d worked to make it a suitable home, together. Not since Florida had I relied on a guy this way. This was so not Florida though. How could I not have known then that I’d fallen in love with Knox? That he had become an extension of me? We operated as one unit, one body, one heart—

BEEP.

A car horn knocked me from my thoughts. I quickly swiped at my eyes. My shoulders slumped forward and head dipped to the wheel briefly. I clenched my fingers, breathing slowly and steadily. A couple of beads of sweat lingered across my forehead. I didn’t immediately see anyone, until a second later wide lights rolled the short distance up my driveway to stop behind the Jetta. Very few people visited me. There was no doubt as swift, heavy footsteps drew near. With each, I counted the echoes of my heartbeat in an attempt to slow the raging pace. I lowered my head, still not removing my hands from their clawed grip on the wheel. My breathing grew wilder for each second of anticipation. When a shadowed figure appeared at the driver’s side window, I moved my head slowly from one side to the next. There was no need to look up to confirm who it was. In fact, his electric force raced straight through the window.

“Kash, open up.” Knox’s hand connected with the glass. The entire car shivered, reflecting the way my insides felt: frail. “I’m not going anywhere. Open up.” He had this ability to remain calm, even when others would lose their shit over things. Nothing fazed him. He’d repeatedly drop hints of his past, even claims to have experienced the life of a sixty-two-year-old. Yeah, each year this changed—at twenty-four it was a forty-two-year-old. I always listened, never offered much. My past had been buried away when I left Florida for Delaware, of all places. My woes had to be forgotten. But quite often, I’d see the far off look in his eyes. He sometimes wore the aura of someone that had been kicked, stomped and taken down to nothing all. I studied for this purpose, to sense these things as a therapist.

Knox stopped moving around. He waited for me to respond. Every conversation, every look, every type of exchange flashed through my mind. He was inside my psyche, coursing through the very soul of who I’d become in this life. He wasn’t the type of man to do this sort of thing; not giving in and unraveling. I knew the type from a long time ago—just about five years.

“I need you, Kasha. Damn, girl! Let me in. No one else knows me like you.” Outside of the few friends who’d ridden the dark world with him, I was the only person he’d truly invited into his life—not even Erika had been allowed so deep.

My limbs turned to putty. I got weak for him, but I was too stubborn to give in without at least trying, right?

“Kasha, if life has taught me anything, it’s been to take ahold of opportunities.”

“Leave me alone, Knox. Go to . . .” I stopped mid-sentence only to begin again, this time whispering, “Go to Erika.” This was the first time I’d allowed her name to pass my lips. My stomach rattled and turned. “You belong to her. You’re marrying her.”

“That’s the problem. I can’t marry Erika, I’m in love with you.”

His confession was terrifying, though welcome all the same. Love wasn’t something I embraced because it could be a danger to the soul, even as it crushed the heart. I tried to keep my head forward; in fact, I remained still with my head tilted downward and hands still clutching at the wheel. Teardrops blurred my vision as they tumbled down one after the other.

“Please leave, Knox,” I mumbled in a coarse tone.

“I can’t,” he replied, placing his palms against my car window. For all the strength he’d always shown, Knox couldn’t hide his emotions this once. “I love you more than anything, more than anyone, I swear to you. Open up. Let me prove it. Open up, Kash.” He continued on in this way, while the tears kept soaking up my face and tee shirt.

I lost count of how often or how many pleas he made. But he must’ve known that he had me. His declarations expanded my mind and sped up my heart. Not only had I fallen for an incredible guy, I’d apparently captured his heart over the years. And now, he was totally mesmerizing me with his words. Tiny sobs escaped through my lips. I tried to stop the flow. It was useless. I gripped the steering wheel and unlocked the door. Taking one final breath, I set aside my guard.

Knox fell to his knees. His head found refuge in my lap. He wrapped his arms around my waist, squeezing as if he’d never let go. I melted against him. This was our place to be in the universe, meant for pure, unfiltered love. Under different circumstances and with anyone else, he would’ve held back. And at any other time, I would’ve refused to give in. Perhaps, just perhaps, if the universe had lined up this opportunity for Knox and me with anyone else, there would’ve been glitches. This sort of passion was meant to be: meant to be expressed, meant to be cultivated. Here we were, the center of each other’s worlds and finally willing to give in to the love that had been brewing for so long.

~

~

Knox lifted me off the seat without a struggle or even breaking a sweat. I didn’t fade into him. Not yet. Things like this couldn’t be good for me, could they? My story wasn’t meant to end with me getting the guy, right?

“Breathe,” he encouraged. Funny thing was, I hadn’t realized I’d been holding my breath.

“Knox,” I cried out, flinging back my head. His arms were wrapped beneath me, so when he pulled tighter and gripped closer, the moment intensified. I burst out into heavier sobs. He maneuvered around the car only to kick it shut as he hustled to the door. Once inside, he stopped in the foyer. The entire house was dark and provided a chill.

“I need to see you,” he demanded. He set me down, then directed my body away. His hands reached to a familiar area, just inside the entrance wall. The lights flooded the passageway, extending further into the home in an eerie type of way. My cries had subsided, though the reflection from the mirror showed streak marks from my lashes. Between the two of us, the silence echoed with exaggerated breaths and raging hearts, marked anticipation on the edge of explosion.

I slowly ran my fingers across his face. I tipped up onto my toes, and drew down his mouth to meet mine. His tongue slid between my lips, only to dive deeper still. I sucked, enjoying the force of his thrusts. He was capable of burrowing in deep enough to make the neglected regions of my body quiver. Life could’ve ended right then, and it would’ve been the perfect death in the arms of a man I adored. I was ready to say yes to everything Knox would ever want, no matter the cost.

“Knox. Knox.” His name became a tune to be worshipped.

“Kash,” he replied. “Awww damn.”

We worshipped this time, this moment, this new love that should have always been. With our hands, we explored with hope. With our lips, we tasted of the forbidden fruit. With our hearts, we said yes.

Knox reached behind me. He lifted me up to his waist just before dropping to his knees, in the middle of the foyer. While his left hand balanced my slender frame, his fingers moved through my hair, across my jawline, and down my neck to stop at my breasts. His mouth then followed the trail to find my mounds, reaching just in time to take in the left-side nipple between his teeth.

“Are you clean?” I asked, suddenly remembering his situation. “I am.”

“Yeah, it’s somewhat complex with-with—”

I shook from one end to the next. Neither of us moved or tried to smooth over the elephant in the room. Then he lowered his forehead onto my skin. His air tickled me, sending a fresh whisk extending out from my core to all regions. Gentle, moist kisses landed on my bare flesh.

He gnawed.

He suckled.

“Ahhh . . .” I wiggled about, intimidated by the skill he used to claim me. My nipples had grown stiff and a flush of moisture seeped down my thighs. He was capable of pulling out things I simply wasn’t aware of; they must’ve been buried deep down in my soul.

“Let me love you, Kasha Davies.” He nibbled on my stomach, around my navel and continued to drift lower. “Let me in,” he mumbled, pulling away enough to allow the words to carry.

“Knox . . .” I called out through a heavy exhale. “I love you.”

His head lifted just enough for him to catch my gaze. There was a hint, a shine radiating from his pupils. “Kash, I plan on showing you just how much I love you.”

“What about—”

“I swear, Kash, there’s no one else and nothing else.” As he assured me, he started lowering my body to the light peach linoleum tile. “It’s me and you here on out.” He didn’t wait for a reply. Knox shredded my cotton tee and placed a multitude of kisses down my stomach. I encased his head between my palms.

“Don’t ever let go, Knox. Promise me. Promise.” Waves of emotions shot throughout every inch of me when in a frenzy Knox lowered my jeans. Although his hands pushed down the material, his mouth massaged my triangular treasure. He tickled at my clit before feasting on my womanhood with a spiteful passion that called out everything that should have been his all along. He attacked me in beast-like resolve. I wanted to give it all with no regard for anything else. I forced my hips forward only to pull him in for a healthy feast.

“Knox!” I screamed. “Knox.” His name felt incredibly natural tumbling from my tongue. My insides flushed over with energy from every and all parts both secret and public. I shoved my hips forward into his face, while my fingers gripped onto his wild hair. Quite a long time had passed since I’d last experienced any of this. I had forgotten what real pleasure was. But this was much more than simple joy.

“Five years,” Knox mumbled against my slit. His words traveled up to my core before racing back down again.

Five years was a long time to have such passion bottled up. I honestly never thought I’d ever be so lucky to give myself away, just for the sake of love.

“Ahhh!”

I let go. For the emotions that had been locked away for most of my life, I set aside the walls. Between the passion that Knox fed to the peekaboo region buried on the inside of my flesh and the influx of bittersweet pain over finally letting go, my truth was finally able to manifest all at once. And so I sobbed. I fought it out. He called forth my orgasm with fierce lips. I no longer controlled things. He did. I obeyed his command and released.

Knox then placed me on my feet in order to remove the rest of my clothes. He didn’t move to undress, nor to remove his shoes. His sole focus landed on doing what was needed to satisfy me and only me.

All the while, I maintained a low sob. Knox’s hands reached up to touch my face. I leaned and allowed my head to rest against him. He took the time to gently massage at the moisture that drenched my cheeks.

“Knox . . .” I nibbled into his palm. “I don’t want to be without you.” This time, I boldly reached up for him. My legs felt right around his waist. The roughness of his clothes should’ve made it uncomfortable to continue, especially against my nakedness. But I didn’t care. We’d spent a tremendous amount of time staving off our love. That was no longer an option. We pressed on to a new era, a new life, a new love in the here and now.

~

Kasha was more beautiful than I could’ve imagined. I’d seen her before, but never like this. She had the perfect little nose, beautiful pink lips, and a gorgeous smile that held me close. But her body, shit. Her hair carried a refreshing scent, I needed more than a little. She lay naked, spread wide across my chest after hours of us exploring each other. I think it had’ been more than three to be exact. She was exhausted to the point of gently snoring. Her lips were barely parted as the air rushed out. I woke up with a heavy feeling weighing me down.

My situation wasn’t an easy one, and would be even more difficult to get out of. When I’d decided to take on Erika, I’d been confused, in a devastated state. Kasha had brought me back to a time of my past, when loyalties ran deep and hard times even deeper.

The thing I’d tried to keep hidden came back. I shook my head and exhaled. Living in the present with the girl of my dreams, I trailed my fingers along Kasha’s shoulders. Her skin was soft, perfect. I slid lower, positioning her petite frame over mine. She fit perfectly on top, in all the right areas. Days like this were meant to live on. I didn’t want to leave, but knew I could only stay so long.

“Kash,” I exhaled to the top of her hair. My breath was warm, blowing out a heavy, passionate fire.

Kasha stirred in response. Her lips came crashing down on the meaty part of my chest. She went on to trail kisses after kisses across and up, until our lips collided.

She was no longer my innocent Kasha. She no longer held back. Most importantly, she believed I was now hers. How did I know? In the way she kissed me wholeheartedly. She opened up for me, in return, I wouldn’t and couldn’t disappoint her. When she spread her legs in preparation to mount me, my arms snaked around her hips. She shot straight up, arched her back, took me in and rocked wildly.

Kasha moaned. She tossed her hair. Her palms gripped and squeezed at her breasts as they fit fully into each palm.

“Promise me,” Kasha cried out. Her question hung wide out in the air. “I need to know . . . that this isn’t just a thing for you, Knox, because . . . ummm, it’s not just a thing for me.”

I thrust my hips up to meet her downward grind. We fed off the passion, the hunger. “No negativity. I’ll make it better. I’ll fix this.” I allowed her muscles to massage my flesh. “I promise.” For me it was much more than a promise, it was my vow to Kasha. No matter what, I needed her. Erika would have to understand. She had to, God, she had to. This night I gave away my heart, my soul . . . my all, and there was no getting them back.

An hour later, I stood at the side of the bed to watch over the only girl my heart would ever love again. She’d moaned a few times, even clawed and giggled in her sleep. The lights were out and a subtle shine from the moon had sprinkled in drips of hope. I walked over to stand in the moonlight, then took a moment to run fingers through my cropped hair. A looming feeling rested in my gut, a hint for what was sure to come.

I had been able to convince myself three months ago that taking Erika as my wife was the right thing to do. I thought I was doing the right thing. I needed to believe we could be, that I could protect her. I got torn up, confused. In an attempt to protect her, I screwed things up. Erika needed to believe in a love that quite possibly had never taken root. I led her on. Being able to show love to someone like Erika wasn’t difficult. She’d been through a shitload of loss in the past.

As much as I didn’t want to add to her hurt, I needed to stay true to myself. I could no longer move forward with Erika. If I was forced to continue, I’d never be able to forgive myself and would never be able to let Kasha go again. So I’d be a cheating bastard.

“Damn,” I mouthed, throwing my fists into the air. If there was some way to go back in time, I’d make the trip. The past always seemed to loom in my present, and knowing now that Kasha had loved me all along, I wouldn’t have wasted the years. Or better yet, I’d only go back as far as the first night I’d met Erika and learn my lesson from there.

“Damn.” I stepped off and away from the bed, then bent forward to pick up the clothes from the hardwood floor. I paused to look down. The shine from the moonlight stretched across the room. It trailed along the floorboards. I knew every inch of this house. The renovation was our summer project two years back. The memories were still potent as I breathed in the silence and reminisced over our time together so far. And for once in my life, I looked forward to a fulfilling, doubtless future.

~