My Point ... And I Do Have One

This edition contains the complete text of the original hardcover edition.
NOT ONE WORD HAS BEEN OMITTED
.

MY POINT . . . AND I DO HAVE ONE

A Bantam Book

PUBLISHING HISTORY

Bantam hardcover edition published October 1995
Bantam paperback edition / October 1996

Grateful acknowledgment is made to quote from the following songs: “Joy to the World” © 1970 Irving Music, Inc. (BMJ). All rights reserved. International © secured. Used by permission. “Respect” © 1965, Renewed 1993, Irving Music, Inc. (BMI). All rights reserved. International © secured. Used by permission. “Movin’ On Up”—Jeff Barry & Janet Dubois. Copyright © 1975 (Renewed 1981) by Belfast Music. All rights administered by EMI Music Publishing (Publishing) and Warner Bros. Publications U.S. Inc. (Print). All rights reserved. “Day-O”—words and music by Irving Burgie and William Attaway. Copyright © 1955; Renewed 1983 by Lord Burgess Music Publishing Company (ASCAP)/Cherry Lane Music Publishing, Inc. (ASCAP). Worldwide rights for Lord Burgess Music Publishing Company administered by Cherry Lane Music Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission. “I’m A Little Teapot”—Written by Clarence Kelley and George Sanders. Copyright © 1939 Kelman Music Corporation. Copyright renewed 1967 by Marilyn Sanders O’Bradovich. International Copyright Secured. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

All rights reserved.
Copyright © 1995 by Crazy Monkey, Inc.
Illustrations copyright © 1995 by Susan Rose.
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 95-34084.
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
For information address: Bantam Books.

eISBN: 978-0-307-76562-8

Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc. Its trademark, consisting of the words “Bantam Books” and the portrayal of a rooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam Books, New York, New York.

v3.1

  Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Acknowledgments

A Note from the Author

Thanks for No Memory

A Letter to My Friend
or
A Frog in a Sombrero Does Not a Party Make

Daily Affirmations
or
A Cup of Pudding a Day Is the Way to Stay O.K
.

Ellen DeGeneres: Road Warrior
or
Sometimes You Need a Map
,
Sometimes You Need a Globe
,
Sometimes You Need a Map and a Globe
—
but Not Very Often

The Plane Truth
or
Dem Ain’t Goobers, Dem’s Peanuts!

Ellen’s New Hobby

Ellenvision

I Went to a Psychic
or
Baloney Is Just Salami with an Inferiority Complex

How to Explain Sex to a Child
or
Where There’s a Corn Chip
,
There’s Bound to Be Hot Sauce

In the Kitchen with Ellen
or
As Tasty as Poison and Just as Deadlye

Things That Sound Like a Good Idea at First, but Really Aren’t

Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man!
or
Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man!

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

The Scariest Thing

The Time Ellen DeGeneres Had an Emergency!

One Step Closer to God
or
One Step Back
,
You Do the Hokey-Pokey
and You Turn Yourself Around

The Ellie-Gellie

Things to Do If You’re Stuck in an Elevator to Help You Pass the Time

Ellen’s Wild Kingdom
or
You Can Put High Heels on a Poodle, but That Won’t Make It a Hooker

Ask Ellen
or
It Might Look Like Honey, It Might Taste Like Honey, and Bless My Corns, It Might Even
Be
Honey

Crazy Superstitions That Really Work!

The Benefits of Being a Celebrity by Ellen DeGeneres, Big Enormous Star

Your Own Fantasy Conversation with Ellen DeGeneres

Experiments in Human Behavior

Ellen’s Sure-Fire Cures for the Things That Ail Ye

The Last Chapter

    Acknowledgments

I wish to thank a few people for their support and love, which are two of the most important things in my life: Betty DeGeneres, Elliott DeGeneres (or Mom and Dad), Vance DeGeneres, Arthur Imparato, Rob Weisbach, Alex Herschlag, Sue Rose, Lisa Phillips, J. J. Harris, Jeremy Zimmer, Ted Harbert, Stu Bloomberg, Renee Kurtz, Michael Eisner, Rich Frank, Dean Valentine, Jan Nash, Karen Kawahara, and Eric Bilardi. And all of the people who come up to me on the street and tell me nice things. Thank you.

    A Note from the Author

Hello and welcome to my book (and now yours). Thank you for your interest in my thoughts, my words of wisdom, and my recipe for French toast. Throughout the year it took me to write this, I wrote in solitude, recording my thoughts as they came to me, digging up old memories, pouring out my heart and soul. Then, at the end of the process, I hoped and prayed to God that there were a few people out there who would enjoy it.

As you may have noticed, my mind does not work the same as most. That is to say, I’m sort of, well—different—and yet it seems to have worked for me. So as you read this, I hope it does what I intended it to do when I decided to write it. I hope it entertains you, inspires you, makes you laugh, makes you think, makes you smile, makes you feel better about yourself, makes you more aware of your feelings, makes you love your brothers and sisters, makes you more successful in life, makes you wealthier, makes you exercise more, makes you eat healthier, makes you stop smoking, makes you taller, thinner, more beautiful, more fluent in Spanish! Or at least makes you not regret buying it.

Ellen DeGeneres
June 1995

thanks for no
memory