My Secret Garden (Women Sexual Fantasies) (38 page)

A: It’s beautiful when you get someone to talk to you. I love that.

Fantastic. I can really lose my mind. It’s only half a fuck when you do it silently, it’s like you’re by yourself. But when a guy’s inside you and saying, "Oh baby, I love to fuck you like this," and telling you about how it feels and then I tell him how it feels and what I’m thinking and when he hears that, oh wow, he just fucks me all the wilder. Oh, yes, I love to chat while I’m fucking. It gives me encouragement, makes me want to do even wilder things. If a guy doesn’t talk to you while he’s fucking you, you don’t dare to do certain things.

It’s like he’s cheering you on when he talks. Guys spend a lot of time wondering what chicks are thinking about when they’re fucking them … I think it worries some of them. But the only way fucking can get better is when you tell them, and they like it. And you’ve got to say it right, you’ve got to use the exciting words, you’ve got to be vulgar, or it doesn’t mean anything. Because when you’re fucking, you should use fucking words. You’ve got to be vulgar, really vulgar.

Q: Fucking is not about vaginas and other medical terms, it’s about cunts and cocks …

A: You’re not going to the doctor, are you? You’re: being fucked. I love to say, "Oh, I’d love to be naughty, darling, I’m thinking such naughty things …"

Q: When you think of him fucking another guy, where are you in your fantasies? Watching? Are you fucking, too?

A: My favorite is that he’s fucking me while another guy is fucking him. That way I can imagine what he’s feeling, too.

It’s also like I’m sharing in what he’s feeling, like the cock going into him is also going into me, so like there’s extra pressure from above. I’m getting two cocks.

Q: When you think about other girls are you in the active role or the passive role?

291

A: I like to be the aggressive one. Maybe because that way I’m like a guy fucking a chick. I like to be able to think what he’s feeling, because what he does to me makes me feel so good.

So I think about me doing wild things with these other chicks.

Q: Most women I’ve talked to say they have had thoughts about other women. They seem to accept this; they don’t feel guilty about it.

A: When I see a girl naked, I usually get excited. Then I think, wow.

Q: Wow, you’d like to fuck her, or see her being fucked?

A: Mostly that I’d like to see her legs apart, see her being fucked by some guy.

Q: Your guy?

A: Any guy, mostly my guy. It’s exciting. It’s the way most girls react to being fucked that excites me. Because my mind is so

… I can imagine it being so strong, I can almost feel it for them. I think, Oh wow, they’re really enjoying it.

Q: And no guilt feelings?

A: Oh, no. When I’m making love I’m not ashamed of anything.

If you’re ashamed, then your mind’s not free to create; and your body’s not free either. I think maybe I wouldn’t do the things I do when I’m making love if my mind weren’t really free to create.

Q: I don’t think women always fantasize during sex, but to deny that it ever happens, to deny it altogether …

A: Oh, you’ve got to fantasize when the time’s right. When I’m fucking, I don’t fantasize about the guy I’m with. I know he’s doing it. I mean, if I didn’t like a guy I wouldn’t be fucking him, but the guy in my mind is always someone else. I know it’s him inside me, but making it in my mind with another guy at the same time, it’s fantastic.

Q: Tell me, what comes first, the fact or the fantasy?

292

A: The fantasies have always been there, very strong. That’s how I knew I would really dig that sort of thing. Ever since I was

… eleven or twelve.

Q: That’s the magic age all right. Did the fantasies change, say, the ones of you and another girl, after you started really doing it?

A: No. When I was young I used to sometimes see people making love, and it used to make me feel quite good. I wasn’t involved, I was much too young. Well, where I grew up, sometimes people would get careless, forget to close a window or a door, and I’d walk by.

Q: Gee, I wish I’d grown up in a place like that! When you tell Tony your fantasies now, do the two of you sometimes think of making them come true? Like another guy fucking him while he’s fucking you?

A: Yes. Anything I tell him, my fantasies, are all things I’d really like to have happen. Like, say we’re at a party and feeling very good. Suddenly we both begin thinking this is the night we will get it together. I’ll say, "Oh Tony, I’d love to have a scene with that chick." He’ll automatically say, "Why don’t you get it together?" Recently there was this American girl staying with me, and Tony and I came home very late one night. I’d never had any kind of scene with this girl before, and Tony really didn’t fancy her, but he was enjoying our scene, him and me, so much, and I said, "Come on, darling, let’s get it together," so I called to this chick to come join us.

He enjoyed himself like crazy that night. I don’t think she’d ever been in a scene like that before, but she really enjoyed it, she never stopped talking about it. She wanted it every day after that. But Tony didn’t want it again. He didn’t really fancy her, it was just that that night he was already excited and he’d got so turned on listening to me talking about my fantasies.

Q: How about with another guy?

293

A: Only recently. Once I ‘got him so excited one day talking about it, that the following night, there was a guy who was always trying to get him, that we actually had a scene with him. I don’t think Tony was very pleased in the end, because it’s not his scene, he likes chicks too much. But he said I’d turned him on so much about it, he thought he should try it.

Q: Are you more turned on with guys?

A: Oh, yes. Guys more than chicks … but it all depends.

Q: Generally, I think women can handle both sexual scenes, even just thinking about them, with much less anxiety than men. They don’t seem to be threatened by their fantasies of other women.

A: No, I don’t think chicks feel threatened by it. Girls … there’s something sort of innocent and beautiful for them in that sort of scene. They think of it as beauty rather than vulgar, or disgusting. And if they really do get into a sexual scene together, they are very natural about it.

Q: Do you still fantasize about Tony and that guy he made it with?

A: Oh yeah, but I don’t talk to him about it, because I know he really doesn’t want to do it again. But I think about it. I go back through recent scenes all the time when we’re making love, even if he wasn’t with me at that particular scene. I love going back over the particulars of a scene even while I’m in a new scene. It makes it all so fantastic. I even fantasize when I’m in bed alone. I love it. I get excited all over again.

Q: Did any guy ever put you down for your fantasies, for telling him?

A: Oh, no. I’ve never found any guy who doesn’t like someone being as naughty as I am. The way I say it, tell my fantasies, they’re so beautiful, no one in his right mind would put me down for them.

Q: When you were talking about jealousy earlier, you said it excited you. What did you mean by that?

294

A: For instance, if there’s a girl in the room who I think Tony would like to make it with, a girl I’m jealous of, then I start thinking about making it with her. I’d like to say to him the next day, "I fucked that girl." It would annoy him, but it would satisfy me. Even if he went with her after that, I wouldn’t feel too bad because the conquest would really have been mine to start with. But that’s only because of jealousy; if it weren’t for the fact that he wanted to fuck her, the thought wouldn’t have occurred to me.

Q: Do you sometimes want these jealousy fantasies of making it with the other girl to come true?

A: Oh, yes. Sometimes I’ll really get it together, me, the other chick, the one I’m jealous of, and Tony. These scenes, I really enjoy them, but even during them I ‘still feel jealous. But the jealousy excites me, too. I mean, if I’ve been jealous earlier in the evening, and then Tony and I are in bed, I get excited because of the jealousy … even though I hate being jealous.

Maybe I’ll fantasize that the chick is also with us. I know most chicks, normal people, get very aggressive when they’re jealous, but me, I just become quiet, almost passive, and wildly sexy.

Q: If you know Tony is fucking some other girl, and you’re not in on it, you’re not there, how do you feel about it?

A: I fantasize what’s going on. If you know the person very well, you can imagine everything. I get an almost satisfaction thinking of their movements, it excites me, and I think, Oh, wow. I feel jealous, but I know he’d like me to be there, too

… and I imagine myself with them. I imagine him thinking of me while he’s fucking her and in a way I am there. Can you understand that?

Q: Are your fantasies of black girls as well as white girls?

A: No, I never fantasize about black girls. They don’t come into my mind at all. If you’re going to fantasize, it’s always the 295

opposite you think about. Except when I was at home, of course, because there weren’t any white girls there.

Q: Do people in your fantasies dress strangely, wear masks, or do the fantasies take place in strange surroundings?

A: No, I always just think of them nude. And it’s always in bed.

A bed that I know. And my fantasies are always in color, never black and white.

Q: Some people, if they want to really do something wild while they’re fucking, they have to fantasize about it first.

A: Sometimes, not always, I really
need
my fantasies to get me started, I can’t get turned on without them. Maybe some people, they only have to be touched and they get sexy. But I really doubt that most people can think about absolutely nothing and get sexy.

Q: If it’s somebody totally new, maybe then you get instantly turned on.

A: But if it’s somebody you’ve fucked a lot though, even if he is the greatest fuck in the world, I still think it helps to fantasize

… in the beginning, you understand, just to get you started.

Sometimes I get turned on thinking about the wild things
he
must be thinking while he’s fucking me.

Q: Do you think men fantasize as much as women do, especially in bed?

A: No; I think men often depend on the woman to start things going. If a woman, for example, can just relax and confide in her man and tell him about her fantasies, it really turns him on. The other night, we were in bed, and I knew he was still thinking about his work, that he wanted to fuck, but his mind was preoccupied. He even said, "I’m too tired." I said,

"You’re not tired." And he just had to look at me to know what was going through my mind, because I’d told him of my fantasies so often. He could tell from a look that I was into one of them and suddenly he was into it, too. That’s why 296

women really should tell their guys what goes on in their minds. It could change their lives. [Taped interview]

297

FANTASIES THAT SHOULD

BE REALITY

The content of a fantasy, what happens, is not the clue to whether or not it should be acted out. (Always excepting, of course, obviously dangerous or physically dam. aging notions like playing Russian Roulette in bed, etc.) What may sound ugly, even horrific, to you or me may mean sexual satisfaction to the woman who thought it up In the end, she’s the only one who knows whether a fantasy should stay where it is – in her mind –or whether living it would add something to her life. Where women seem to get confused is in thinking that accepting their fantasies means putting them into action, and that unless they do, they’re sexual hypocrites.

But accepting your fantasies can mean just that, and end right there; there’s nothing that says you’ve only gone halfway if you don’t act them out. Fantasy has no
Hoyle’s Book of Rules.

What must be clear; however, to anyone who’s read this book is how many of the fantasies in it
should
be part of a woman’s real life. How many fantasies are sexual desires for things any woman has a natural right to. And this right may go beyond the satisfactions ordinarily understood by saying a woman is married, or has a lover, or even that she is sexually satisfied.

Because, after all, what they want is so simple that it is a mystery to me why a woman is afraid to ask. What it means, I suppose, is that women just don’t talk, not even to their lovers, don’t express their desires, whether through shyness or fear. This fantasy is typical, except that its surprise ending makes it even more poignant.

298

Martha

I am a married woman of thirty-four. I would like to tell you about my sexual fantasy. My own fantasy has a true base on which I build. About eleven years ago, before I was married, but was engaged, I went out a number of times with a married man with whom I worked. This was no "love" affair. It was purely sexual.

Although I made it regularly with my boy friend, this man really excited me. We were lucky that we had a room to go to and didn’t have to make it in the back of a car. First we would undress completely. He would always have the most incredible erection. He would fondle, kiss, and suck my breasts. He would caress my bottom and smack it. He would play with my clitoris and insert his fingers up me. Then he would suck my clitoris and insert his tongue in me. During all this I never used to touch his penis. He would concentrate wholly on me, making me cry with excitement, and he would talk to me, the language of lust: "Oh, you beauty, you lovely little cunt, those lovely soft hairs I’m going to bury my cock against them, right up your cunt. I’m going to fuck you, fuck, fuck, fuck you, and I’m going to wet all those hairs with my come, and after that you are going to suck it for me, all of it."

Then he would insert his fingers up my bottom and suck me to orgasm. While I was still crying with pleasure he would put his huge penis in me and with my legs around his waist would fuck me to at least two orgasms. He would still not have come yet, and would have an erection like an iron bar. He would push it against my lips until I opened my mouth and took it in and I would suck it. He was capable of withholding his ejaculation for as long as he wanted. Still not having come, he would take it out of my mouth and I would caress it with my hand, wrapping my fingers round it. Suddenly he would roughly grab my legs, put them onto his shoulders and force his cock into me again and work hard and 299