My So-Called Family (9 page)

Chase stopped and turned to us. “I'm going to check out the Red Delicious,” he said. “You guys get started on the McIntosh.”

Avery picked up a pole that had been leaning against one of the trees. It had a metal hook at the top, so you could pick the apples that were out of reach. “I'm sorry my brother is so crabby,” she said.

“That's all right,” I said.

“My dad says you have to walk on eggshells with Chase when he gets in these moods. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh? Get it?” She grinned at me, and I nodded even though I had never met their father. Then I wondered about my father. Were there things I inherited from him even though I'd never met him, besides my eyes and my hair? Could you inherit a personality even if you never met someone? Maybe that was why Mom didn't understand me sometimes. Maybe if she had married my donor instead of Simon, there would be someone in the house who understood me. I sighed out loud even though I didn't mean to.

“What?” Avery asked.

“Nothing,” I said. “What happened between Chase and Lizzie anyway?”

Avery shrugged. “He won't say, but it's got to be the college thing. He doesn't want to talk about her, except here we are, and I'm sure he's thinking about her.”

“It's my fault,” I said.

“What do you mean?” Avery asked.

“I asked Chase if this was the same place he always comes to,” I said. “So now he's thinking about Lizzie again.”

“No,” Avery said. “He would be thinking about her even if you didn't say anything. I don't know why he wanted to come here.”

“Maybe he wanted to come here to think about her,” I said. “You know, maybe there were things he wanted to remember.”

“I don't know,” Avery said. “He's even more depressed here than he was before. It seems kind of dumb. Anyway, this looks like a good tree. Let's get some apples.”

Avery and I took turns using the pole to pick apples, and we filled one of the baskets entirely with McIntosh. Then we sat down in a clearing by the trees and ate. Chase came walking back toward us, his arms filled with Red Delicious apples. “I forgot to bring one of the baskets with me,” he said. Avery kicked the other basket over to him, and Chase opened his arms so the apples tumbled down into the basket.

“They're going to get all bruised,” Avery said.

“Sorry,” Chase said. “I'll get some more.”

“And you should say sorry for being so crabby in front of Leah and then deserting us,” Avery told him.

Chase looked over at me, and I blushed. “It's okay,” I said quickly.

“I've got a lot on my mind,” Chase said.

“All the more reason for you not to be alone,” Avery told him. She pushed herself up from the ground and then wiped her palms on her jeans. “I'm going to get a couple more baskets, and then we can head over to the Golden Delicious together.”

Avery ran toward the basket stand. I watched her ponytail bounce from side to side. The basket of McIntosh apples was in my lap. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to talk to Chase or leave him alone. I bent forward and pretended to count how many apples we had so far. Chase stepped toward me. I could tell because his shadow passed over my lap. “Can you hand mean apple?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said.

He held out his hand and I passed him an apple. “I'm sorry if I was being a jerk,” he said. “It's just with Lizzie and all of this college stuff, there's so much to figure out. And then I just get so annoyed with Avery. I'll be leaving next year, so I wanted to spend time with her. We get along better than we used to, but then she can say the most irritating things.” He paused, took a bite of the apple I had handed him, chewed, and swallowed. I could see his Adam's apple move up and down. “I shouldn't be telling you these things. She's your friend. Anyway, I'm sorry.”

“It's really okay,” I told him. “I understand. I mean, I understand needing some space to just think.”

“I don't think my sister understands that,” Chase said.

“She just wants you to be happy,” I said. It sounded like something my mother would say.

“I know,” Chase said. “And Avery's happiest when she's surrounded by friends, and things, and noise.”

“She's really popular,” I said, and then I blushed again because it was such a dumb thing to say.

Chase finished his apple and threw the core toward the woods. “Yeah, and it's not like I think she's totally superficial. I mean, I've always been popular and all that. But next year I'll be somewhere else, and who knows where everyone else will be?” he said. “I don't even know for sure where I'll be.”

“You don't think you'll be at Yale?” I asked.

“My parents really want me to go there. My dad went there, and his dad went there, but I might not even get in.” He bent down and took another apple from the basket in my lap. When he bit into it, the juice sprayed on me a little. I tried to wipe it away without him noticing.

“So what other schools are you applying to?” I asked him. Avery came back with empty baskets on each arm, and I stood up.

“Maybe Columbia, maybe Georgetown,” Chase said. “Next weekend we're going to visit Penn. The whole family is going, so I'm sure my dad will be talking about Yale the entire trip.”

“I have a friend who lives near Penn,” I said. “In Haverford.”

“From your old school?” Avery asked.

I shook my head. Avery was still looking at me, waiting for me to explain. “It's a friend from camp,” I said. I don't know what made me say that, but once I did I was happy to have thought of it. “Her name is Samantha,” I continued.

“We're visiting Haverford, too,” Chase said. “The college counselor says I should check it out to see what a smaller school is like. Anyway, I need another safety school.”

“What's a safety school?” I asked.

“A school that's easy to get into,” Avery said.

“I thought Haverford was a really good school,” I said. “Not a safety.” I had looked up Haverford on the Internet since talking to Samantha that first time, which was how I knew it was close to Penn. I also saw that you really need good grades to get into it.

“What's a reach school to most kids is a safety to Chase,” Avery said.

“Don't start,” Chase said.

“Anyway, you should totally come with us,” Avery said. “You could visit your friend when we're looking at the school.”

“I don't know,” I said. “I don't want to intrude. It sounds like it's a family trip.”

“No, you should come,” Chase said. “My dad drives me crazy with all this college stuff. That's why Lizzie and I are always fighting.”

“You said her name again,” Avery said.

“Anyway,” Chase said, ignoring Avery, “if you come, my dad might tone it down a bit.”

“I'll ask my parents,” I said.

Chase picked up the basket of McIntosh. He had the basket of Red Delicious on his other arm. I thought that maybe I should offer to carry one of the baskets for him since they were probably heavy, but Avery handed me one of her empty baskets. “Come on,” she said, skipping ahead. I ran to catch up with her. “By the way,” Avery said, “don't tell Brenna we came here today. I didn't invite her because she can be so weird around Chase sometimes. Callie's into Ian Michaelson now, but she used to be almost as bad. Just don't tell either of them about today, okay?”

“All right,” I said. I turned to look back at Chase.

“Thanks,” Avery said.

Now that I had a secret, I was noticing the secrets everywhere. I couldn't tell anyone what Mom was writing about, and Chase didn't want to talk about Lizzie. Now I wasn't allowed to tell Brenna and Callie about apple picking, and I didn't want to tell Avery what I was starting to think about Chase. My stomach hurt from eating so many apples and from all of the secrets.

I
t ended up being pretty easy to get Mom and Simon to let me go to Haverford. I asked them about it during dinner. Mom was so distracted by her book, she probably would have let me go to Timbuktu if it meant getting me out of the house, and Simon was fine about it since I told him Avery and Chase's parents would be with us the whole time.

I had already called Samantha to make sure she would be around that weekend. I knew she was waiting for me to call her back, so as soon as dinner was over, I ran up to my room and closed the door. It took me a while to dial because I was so excited that I misdialed a couple of times. But finally I punched in the right numbers and Samantha answered right after the first ring. “So?” she asked.

I was smiling so wide that the edges of my mouth had started to hurt. “They said yes,” I said. “I'm coming.”

“Oh my God! I can't believe it!”

“Me either,” I said.

“I'm so excited,” Samantha said. My heart was beating fast, but just then something inside me started to churn a little. I really was excited to meet Samantha, but I felt strange that I was lying to my parents about everything. I just didn't know what else to do. Even though I didn't have a choice, I felt sort of guilty. “I can't wait to meet you in person,” Samantha continued. “I can't even believe that we haven't met yet. It's like I know you so well already. Isn't it funny? We're sisters and we're gonna meet for the first time.”

Sisters,
I repeated to myself.
We're sisters.
We were supposed to be able to see each other whenever we wanted. Mom and Simon wouldn't be mad if I were going to Haverford to visit Charlie. This was almost the same thing. “I can't wait either,” I said.

A few days later we were in the white car again, headed to Pennsylvania. Trixie was programmed to the address of the admissions office at the University of Pennsylvania. This time Chase was in the backseat with Avery and me. I had volunteered to take the middle because Chase complained that his legs were too long, and Avery said it wasn't fair that she always had to sit in the middle just because she was shorter.

“Thank you, Leah,” Avery's father said. No one ever told me his first name, so I wasn't sure what to call him. He seemed like someone who should be called “Sir,” but I was too embarrassed to say that. Avery's mother had told me to call her Lori. I thought it would be strange to call her Lori, and then call her husband Mr. Monahan. So I called him Mr. Monahan in my head, and out loud I didn't call him anything at all.

“No problem,” I said. I had wanted to sit next to Chase anyway, and if Avery had sat in the middle, I wouldn't have been able to. But of course I didn't say that out loud. Avery would probably roll her eyes and think I had a dumb crush on Chase, just like Brenna and Callie.

But by the time Trixie told us we had arrived at the admissions office, I couldn't wait to get out of the car. It was hard to be scrunched up in the backseat for so many hours, and even though I was next to Chase, he barely talked to me. Mostly he and his father talked about Yale versus the other Ivy League colleges. Then Chase got upset, and spent the rest of the drive with his earphones on, staring out the window.

Mr. Monahan parked the car and we all got out. Chase still had his earphones stuck in his ears, and Mr. Monahan told him to take them out. He said it loudly and I was sure that Chase heard him, but Chase pretended not to hear and nodded his head to the beat of the music. Mr. Monahan reached forward and yanked on the earphones so they popped out of Chase's ears. “Chase,” he hissed. “We're in front of the admissions office. You never know who's watching you. It might be the same person who ends up interviewing you. Do you really want to be the kid who had the earphones stuck in his ears?”

“Jeez, it's not as if we're at Yale,” Chase said.

“Here we go again,” Mr. Monahan said. He turned and walked toward the admissions office.

Chase turned to Lori. “He thinks everything I do is about Lizzie,” he complained. “Sometimes I just feel like listening to music and not worrying about college.”

“Come on, honey,” Lori said. “You know he just wants what's best for you.” She patted Chase's back and walked him toward the office. Avery and I followed behind them. It was strange to see Chase as someone's son. It made him seem so much younger. When he wasn't around his parents, he seemed more like a grown-up.

Mr. Monahan's personality changed as soon as we were inside the admissions office. He smiled and patted Chase's shoulder a lot. We were signed up for a tour of the campus, and Mr. Monahan told Avery and me that we should pay attention. “Maybe you'll want to go to school here one day,” he said.

“It might be cool to go here,” Avery said. “I like that it's in a city.”

“Maybe that will motivate you to study harder instead of goofing off with your friends all the time,” Mr. Monahan said, and he turned to me. “Avery thinks her social life is more important than her schoolwork. How are your grades, Leah?”

“They're good, I guess,” I said.

“Keep it up,” he told me.

Mr. Monahan went over to Chase, and I turned to Avery. I wasn't sure what to say to her, but she just shrugged, so I knew I shouldn't say anything.

The tour ended up being kind of boring. Afterward we had lunch in Philadelphia, although I wasn't really that hungry. I pushed my food around with my fork to make it look like I was eating. Finally the check came. Mr. Monahan paid and we got back into the car and headed to Haverford. I had worked out with Samantha that her mom would meet me at the admissions office and then take me to their house. The Monahans would pick me up later, after the Haverford tour.

I was used to talking to Samantha on the phone and I had been so excited about getting to meet her, but once we turned onto the Haverford campus, my heart began to race. I could feel the beats echoing in my ears. I couldn't remember ever being so nervous, and I wondered if you could have a heart attack just from being scared. I started to wish I had just stayed home, but I knew it was too late.

“Are you excited?” Avery asked me.

“About what?” I said.

“You know, about seeing your friend from camp. What's her name again?”

“Samantha,” I said. My heart was still pounding, but I turned to Avery and made myself smile. I knew I had to look happy because everyone thought I was visiting a friend. I didn't want anyone to get suspicious. “I'm really excited,” I said.

There was a woman standing in front of the admissions office that had to be Anna Holland, Samantha's mother. She was taller than my mom and her dark hair was twisted up on the top of her head. She was wearing a scarf even though it really wasn't cold enough for scarves. I thought maybe she was like my mom—she's always cold, even in the middle of summer. But that didn't really make sense, because my mom and Samantha's mom weren't even related. The woman stared at us as we walked toward her. “Are you Leah?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Anna Holland,” she said, extending a hand and smiling. “I recognized you from your picture.” It was too weird to think about Samantha showing Anna Holland the picture I had e-mailed her. I wondered if she had shown it to anyone else.

Anna Holland introduced herself to Avery and her family. They made arrangements to pick me up on the way home from Haverford. I followed Ms. Holland to a parking lot behind the admissions building, and she stopped in front of a black car.
Charlie would be so disappointed,
I thought. And then, thinking of Charlie, I thought about Mom and Simon. Ms. Holland unlocked the car door and I stepped inside. I knew I would be in major trouble if Mom or Simon found out—I was stepping into a stranger's car. It was yet another secret.

“I told Samantha I'd pick up a pizza,” Ms. Holland said. “But she's so excited to meet you that she said I have to drop you off at the house first and get the pizza myself.”

“I don't mind going with you,” I said.

“Don't be silly,” Ms. Holland said. She reached over and patted my knee. “You know, you look a bit like Samantha.”

I had stared so many times at the picture Samantha had e-mailed me. We did both have olive skin and brown hair, although Samantha's hair was darker than mine. I thought Samantha was pretty, and I wanted us to look alike. Anna Holland pulled up in front of a small white house. Samantha was waiting on the steps, and she jumped up when we pulled into the driveway. I took a deep breath before I got out of the car. I was thinking about what it would be like to walk up to the house, putting one foot in front of the other, as my heart pounded. I remembered all of my phone calls and reminded myself that Samantha wasn't a stranger. I knew her middle name now—Ellen. I knew that she wasn't named after anyone; her mother just loved the name Samantha, and she thought Ellen was a good fit as a middle name. I knew what her favorite foods were, and the names of her friends, and how she was upset about a bad grade she'd gotten in history. Still, I had never met her in person. Was I supposed to hug her hello? I wished I had figured that out before we got there.

Before I even had a chance to decide what to do, Samantha was at my side. “You're here!” she squealed. “Oh, God, I can't believe it!”

“I know,” I said. “I can't believe it either.”

We stood there staring at each other for a few seconds, and then Ms. Holland called to us from the other side of the car. “Sorry to interrupt,” she said, “but I'm headed out for the pizza now. Is there anything else I should pick up?”

Samantha looked at me. “I'm fine, thanks,” I said. Actually, I wasn't even hungry for pizza. I was still too nervous and excited to be hungry for anything.

“We're good, Mom,” Samantha said. She grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the house. “I can't wait to show you everything!” she told me.

We walked up the front steps. There was a
BEWARE OF DOG
sign in the front window, and I hesitated for a second. When I was younger, we had a neighbor with a German shepherd. The dog had gotten loose once when I was playing in the front yard. It ran over to me and knocked me down. Even though I wasn't hurt, I haven't really liked dogs since then. Samantha had never mentioned a dog in any of our phone conversations. “Do you have a dog?” I asked.

“No,” Samantha said. “We used to, but she died a few years ago, and we didn't even have the sign back then. But there was a robbery in our neighborhood, and my mom thought that maybe having a ‘Beware of Dog' sign would scare the robbers away.”

“Have you ever been robbed?” I asked.

“Nope,” Samantha said. “Maybe the sign is working.”

We walked inside and Samantha gave me a quick tour of the downstairs. Then we headed upstairs so I could see her room. I think you can tell a lot about a person by her room. My room is filled with bookshelves because I read so much. Also, Mom framed some of my best drawings, and they're hanging on the wall across from my bed. I followed Samantha to a room at the end of the hall. The door was partway open and she pushed it all the way open.

The first thing I noticed was how messy her room was. “Sorry,” Samantha said, kicking aside a pile of clothes on the floor. “My mom said I should clean before you got here, and I really meant to. But then I thought that since we're getting to know each other, you may as well find out now that I'm a slob.”

“It's not so bad,” I said.

“Yeah, right,” Samantha said. “You're a terrible liar!” We both laughed. Samantha said she wanted to show me her pictures. She cleared a place on the bed for me to sit down and pulled a couple photo albums off of a shelf. “These are from the last couple years of school,” she told me. She pointed out her best friend, a girl named Arielle with curly brown hair.

“Does she know about you?” I asked. “I mean, does she know you have a donor?”

“Of course,” Samantha said. “She knows everything about me.”

I felt my heart start to beat faster again. There wasn't anyone in the world who knew everything about me. Mom and Simon didn't even know where I was, and I was trying so hard to be normal that I hadn't told Avery anything about having a donor. I had even lied to her about who Samantha was. Samantha was the closest to knowing everything about me, and I had just met her. It made me feel lonely.

Samantha turned the page of the photo album. “These are my glamour shots,” she said, pointing toward more pictures of her. She was standing against a low brick wall with her hand on her hip. Her hair was blowing in the wind. “Sometimes Arielle and I pretend to be models and take pictures of each other.”

“You look really pretty,” I said.

“Thanks,” she said. “I think I sort of look like you in this one.” I looked closely at the picture she was pointing to. The sun was shining on the top of her head, so her hair looked a little lighter.

“It does sort of look like me,” I said.

I stared at Samantha's features—two green eyes, a narrow nose with a slight bump in the middle, and a mouth that curved up a little higher on one side than on the other. I remembered how Mom had looked through books of potential donors at Lyon's Reproductive Services, trying to decide what features she would like best for her future child. Anna Holland had gone to Lyon's too. She had picked out the same features. Now Samantha and I were together, sitting on her bed.