My Voice: A Memoir (19 page)

It was my
holy shit
moment. Oprah has
Aha moments!
I have
Holy
shit!
The floodgates opened and I started seeing everything. I could see how I was being treated. I could see that when I voiced that I was unhappy, it was more of a concern about me leaving than about my happiness.

I could see. And then that was it. I knew what I would do.

•   •   •

T
he idea was we were going to take a break, but I knew that I was never coming back. My son’s father was out of town, so Nikki and I started packing up as much stuff as we could with just the two of us. Trying to fit all my shit into my convertible BMW and Nikki’s Honda Accord, we realized we needed a truck. I called Pecas, but he said he was in label meetings all day and could not leave. So we continued to box my things. My thoughts and emotions were erratic, all over the place.

I don’t wanna be here when he gets back
.
Where am I gonna go
?
How the hell is everything going to fit in my car
?! My anxiety level was off the charts.

And just as I could feel myself cracking, I looked up and saw Pecas’s black Escalade driving down the cul-de-sac road. Whaaaat?
How did he get here so fast? What about his meetings?? How did he know??
I dropped the box and I just started crying. He hugged me and said, “I’m here. I got you. What do you need me to do?”

That was him to a tee. “I got you” from a friend like him and from someone who is always in the trenches with me like Nikki was exactly what I needed to stop worrying.

And so Pecas and Nikki packed me up out of that house, and then that was it. I got the fuck outta Westwood.

For a brief and minor chapter that followed, I rebounded with a relationship that was exactly what I needed at the time. He was
charming. He knew all the hot spots and brought me back outside again. He was driven like me and he championed my ambition. I knew what type of guy he was, but my intention from the beginning was just to have some much-needed fun. The thing with dating a bad boy is that even though it’s fun and sexy, they are not to be taken seriously. But for a quick moment I forgot that rule and chose to ignore the signs. It started to get complicated, and all my guy friends warned me that this was going to end badly.

The person who really got through to me was Ebro—he was a radio programmer from the Bay Area who had just been promoted to program director at Hot 97 after Tracy Cloherty left Hot 97 for a TV gig. Ebro, a big guy with a deep voice and a big scruffy beard who could be intimidating and aggressive to some, had become one of my closest friends. He was a member of my extended family. We did poker nights on Sundays and spent holidays together, and he even used to take Niko to football games with the guys. We had this unique relationship because we shared the same commitment to the station and he always was a great sounding board. I trusted him and his judgment and often confided in him.

Every day I’d go into Ebro’s office and we’d talk shit about the girl of the week he was seeing. He was charming and good-looking, so he had his share.

Although Ebro didn’t want to break any guy code and I’m sure he knew a lot more than he was letting on about the guy I was seeing, he felt the need to say something. They ran in the same circles and probably dated some of the same girls. Through his discomfort, Ebro sat me down and went about it in his own way.

Ebro shared a story about his childhood friend who wound up being with the wrong guy and having three kids with him. He was abusive and she wound up taking him back and got pregnant again. Then she
found out he had a whole other relationship with a whole other woman and another baby. So she divorced him, but at that point she already had four kids.

As Ebro’s telling the story, I’m like,
Yeah, so what? Dumb girl.

“Ang,” Ebro said, cutting into my thoughts. “I just want you to know she was supersmart. You’re probably thinking she’s some bird who didn’t know better or whatever. She was ambitious and had shit going for her. She just made a bad choice in who her partner was. And now she’s struggling. Her career is off track and she’s taking care of those kids on her own. I just look at you and I would hate to see you make bad choices.”

It resonated.

I beat myself up for a few months after that.
How could I have gotten so far in with somebody I knew was incapable?
It was my fault for lying to myself and his fault for lying to me. By the way, I know we’ve all been there. But I thought that normally happens in your twenties. This happened to me in my thirties, which was why I was so mad at myself.

At least I was smart enough to jump off that fucking train. There was no warning. I stopped answering his calls. I just stopped.

If there is a moral to the story, it’s that. Friend by friend who had my back, every single one who, like Pecas, told me in one way or another, “I got you,” set me on a path with a new map that put me back in charge. I found my way back to owning my life, to using my voice to put good into the world, to valuing the right relationships, and to being the kind of mother to Niko that gave purpose and meaning to everything.

I was
back.

MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK

M
ichael Moore’s
Fahrenheit 9/11—
which came out in June 2004—had a profound impact on me. Without knowing it at the time, this political documentary influenced how I saw my role on radio and opened my eyes to issues in the hip-hop culture that I could use my voice to amplify. Up until seeing the movie about how the Bush administration had used the post-9/11 fear and the media to build a case for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, I didn’t want anything to do with politics. Whenever I tried to pay attention to what was going on, most of it was confusing and there was too much lying and bullshit to try to cut through that it always turned me off. Maybe politics scared me.

But for some reason Moore’s ability to tell the story with facts and audacity made me want to investigate and not ignore these bigger political issues that were affecting us all. Obviously, his was one perspective and there were others, but I was inspired to start asking more questions and to do my own research. It was time to widen the conversation, not
just with points of view that resonated with mine—and what is probably ninety percent of my audience who I thought would be interested in the movie, too—but also with that ten percent that would most likely hate the movie.

That’s when I got the idea to do something that I’d never done before with my listeners, which was to take a bunch of them to go see
Fahrenheit 9/11
with me. I’d come back from seeing it and had been just moved by it. As a piece of filmmaking, I had never seen a delivery like that in a documentary. And because it was so interesting and so powerful and thought provoking on so many levels, I wanted to bring it up on-air as something current to recommend. My first idea, as I proposed it to my boss, was to give some tickets away on the radio, and I got the green light—“Sure, whatever you want.”

From there I called the movie theater, bought enough tickets to buy out the place, and then gave the tickets away on-air so that we all went to see the film together. It was an amazing experience to see my listeners in person and watch the movie and then have something to talk about later on-air.

A short time later I had the opportunity to interview Michael Moore on the show. When he called in, I realized that he didn’t know about the ticket giveaway and how we’d gone out to see the movie together. He was blown away. The one thing he did know, he said, was that my audience and I had helped him get his “street cred.”

Fahrenheit 9/11
catalyzed my listeners, and I think it affected many younger voters who had been apathetic in the past. This was at a time when Rock the Vote, which partnered with MTV, had been around for a while, but it started to make inroads around the time of the 2004 campaign season. That growing consciousness for younger voters wasn’t as evident then as it would be four years later. But you could feel a shift
as people who weren’t as informed before as they might have been started to become more politically involved. The Rock the Vote approach was powerful; encouraging people to vote was an easy way to inspire everyone who had voices to use them. It was also nonpartisan, so getting younger voters engaged was another method to get people to say something positive, get them involved in an easy, noncommittal way. They didn’t have to pick a side. They didn’t have to choose a party. They didn’t have to voice their political view. For celebrities, who may not feel comfortable taking a stance, something like Rock the Vote was a brilliant way to let them get out there and promote activism without being partisan.

This period opened the door to have more conversations with politicians. Back when Hillary Clinton was first running to represent New York in the US Senate, her campaign staff reached out and set up a phone interview. It was a great, quick conversation, and I did appreciate the fact that she thought it was important to speak to my audience. That’s what her staffer said, “She wants to talk to your audience.”

During the interview, when she talked about her desire to hold elected office, even after having been the first lady, I was impressed by her commitment to public service. I was impressed by her knowledge and her confidence. And in wrapping up the interview, I jokingly said, “Well, good luck! And if my listeners help you win the Senate seat, don’t forget to call back and thank them!”

She laughed and promised she would. And, sure enough, she did.

Both interviews were memorable, and I was left thinking it was pretty cool and pretty smart of her to reach out to an audience that a lot of others would have overlooked. It was either cool and smart of her to think of it—or to listen to people on her team who helped make the connection.

By this point, having politicians on my show was not that uncommon. Former President Bill Clinton called in when he opened his office in Harlem. Ted Kennedy called in to talk about immigration reform. And Cory Booker, who was the mayor of Newark at the time, was on air often and would become a friend to the show. He even allowed me to tag along a couple of times to watch the great work he was doing in the community. During the holidays, he introduced me to the mayor of Jersey City, where we served Thanksgiving Dinner at a local shelter. I joined Cory, Queen Latifah and Wyclef on a bus tour of Newark in 2009, going door-to-door to inform residents about the government assistance available to avoid foreclosure at a time when people really needed it.

About a month after the Michael Moore interview, I found myself watching the Democratic Convention—the first time I had ever watched a nominating convention in my life. Again, politics had never been my thing, even to the point of feeling over my head. But then, after
Fahrenheit 9/11
, I had decided to start paying greater attention, so I chose to tune in to the convention. And I’ll never forget watching the keynote speech by Barack Obama, a candidate running for the Illinois US Senate and how he looked like such a star to me. All I could think was—
why don’t I know who this man is
?
Why doesn’t everybody know who he is
? His ideas resonated for me and I believed in him from that moment. I bought and read his book,
Dreams from My Father,
and I bought it for friends and guests of the show. Long before it was even a topic of conversation, I started telling people, “Barack Obama could be president one day.”

For the longest time, all the way to the election, in fact, I’d get into arguments with a lot of people who were adamant, “There’s no way we would ever have a black president.”

“No, this is the guy. I’m telling you this is the guy.”

From that ’04 convention on, I felt invested and raised my level of wanting to be informed about policy and decisions that affect us domestically and globally. Not that I think of myself even today as politically savvy, but as a citizen and a parent, I choose to look at a bigger picture—not just at the headlines or the stories that the news deems important for ratings. The lesson learned is that once you begin to get your information from multiple sources and use your own judgment, you can never go back. I can never just not care or not be informed or not pay attention. Before, when I was younger, I thought, “How does it affect me? Why does it matter? There’s no difference in my life from day to day.” Now I know better.

•   •   •

I
’ve never been afraid of controversy on the air. Not much could top the Tupac interview, so my feeling was that as long as I maintained honesty and fairness, something authentic and provocative could happen on-air and be worth it. In November of 2005, I had an interesting and controversial situation on the show that I didn’t see coming. But when it did, I know Puffy wasn’t happy about it.

For the past six years or so, I had not felt good about what happened with Shyne, then a twenty-one-year-old rapper with so much potential who had been signed to Bad Boy. I first met Shyne when he was a teenager delivering packages to Hot 97. He would always promise that he was going to be on my show one day. So when Shyne actually started making some noise as an artist, I couldn’t help but to root for him. I never knew what had gone on in Puffy’s mind or why he’d handled things the way he did, but after the nightclub shooting that led to Shyne being convicted, I always felt like he had been left for dead.
And so I would visit him periodically while he was in prison in Rikers and Clinton Correctional Facility, and we wound up becoming much better friends while he was in jail than when I knew him outside.

The fact is that when you go visit somebody in jail, you’re forced to really talk. Sitting across from someone for hours at a time, you try to say things that are real and that matter. In the process, my feelings for Puff were not good. Granted, this was from Shyne’s perspective of how Puff treated him while he was going through this. But it had actually started when Shyne first got sentenced. Suge Knight came to my show and basically said on the radio that Puffy dry-snitched on Shyne because Puffy had to put somebody on the stand to defend and help himself, but it hurt Shyne. I didn’t say anything at that point, although I knew that Shyne felt the same way. I was just quiet.

Puff took great offense to that and went to Flex’s show that night and went after me, saying something to the effect of, “You know, everybody talking this gossip, talking rumors. This Wendy Williams shit, this Angie Martinez shit—” Basically by doing that publicly, all he did was give me reason to draw my line in the sand.

You know what? I don’t like you anyway. Now you gave me a reason to not fuck with you.

I didn’t say a word, but a month later I saw Puff backstage at a concert and he came very close into my personal space, saying, “What’s up, Ang? We have a problem? Do we have issues?” He was not asking but telling, leaning over me, or leaning into me.

“I need you to back up,” I told him. “You are too close to me.”

It was very hostile. And mutual. We both just were not feeling each other. And I was okay with that. Because I would rather that than have to fake it. So I barely spoke to Puff for the next few years. And I did not have him on my show once.

It was in that time in ’05, when we weren’t good, that this
conversation happened about questionable practices at Bad Boy. On my show that day, I had Jadakiss, Sheek Louch, and Styles P from the Lox. I love the Lox, and Styles P, in particular, is one of my favorite people in the whole rap game. As a person, I think he is as authentic as they come and we always clicked. Anyway, when they came to the show, they decided that they were going to put their relationship with Puffy on blast. They outed him for taking advantage of them when they were young and accused him of stealing their publishing money when they had first signed to Bad Boy.

The wanted their money and they wanted
out
of their Bad Boy contract.

So the Lox are on my show, talking about how Puffy sold them the old story—“We’re family. We take care of you. Family for life. Bad Boy for life.” And when the Lox started to voice their gripes, Puffy’s defense was something along the lines of, “Well, it’s just business.”

This problem happened in the music business a lot. Didn’t make it right. They were kids—you’re taking them out of the hood, acting like you’re their family, and then defending questionable practices with “just business.” That’s a confusing message.

And aspects of all that came up on-air. All the members of the Lox were going in on Puff, talking crazy stuff like pushing a refrigerator off a building onto him.

There was nothing I could say. Again, I did not jump to Puff’s defense because ultimately I didn’t think I should.

My boss, Tracy, came into the studio and took me aside. “Look, Puff called. He wants to call in to the show.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, he wants to talk to the Lox.”

I let the Lox know it was totally up to them. They welcomed it.

Fine.

The minute Puffy calls in and gets on the air, he immediately tries to turn the tables as the wronged and yet reasonable party, talking to the Lox like misbehaving kids.

PUFFY:
I’m at my office now. I’m always accessible, and y’all ain’t gotta get on the radio and do certain things to holla at me. I told Jadakiss, I’m accessible. I said if somebody standing in the way of you expressing yourself, y’all can come get at me directly, know what I’m saying? A refrigerator ain’t gone kill nobody. We businessmen. We mature adults. All that right there? I’m at my office right now and y’all can sit there and interview with her and talk as long as you wanna talk. Or you can take the invitation I gave you before. But it’s not even getting there because of your getting on the radio. Because I ain’t your enemy.

JADAKISS/STYLES P:
Dog! Dog! Just yesterday we got a note from your office saying you don’t know nothing of this. None of it! We just saw you at the concert, at the Hova, and you said you’d find out what it was . . .

PUFFY:
 . . . Don’t sit here and portray that Puff took something from y’all . . . !

JADAKISS:
What is it? What is it, then? What do you call it? What do you call it? And don’t say we can come to your office or none of that ’cause we can’t do that. We can’t handle it no other way than with lawyers and you know that . . . so don’t get on the radio and act like a tough guy. You actin’ tough.

PUFFY:
You know how we can settle this? At the office. So why don’t we stop talking on the radio.

JADAKISS:
You just wanna stop talking ’cause you don’t want to know the truth!

STYLES P:
We made one record with you,
Money, Power & Respect
. It’s ten years later and you still got half of our publishing. And it’s no way you can make it justifiable that you deserve half of our publishing.

PUFFY:
You didn’t say that to my face. . . .

VOICES FROM THE LOX:
You a coward! You a thief!

PUFFY:
Come to the office so we can straighten it out.

STYLES P:
You had a bunch of artists whose careers never went right with you. Be for real, dog. Look at the list . . . 112 not happy with you, gone. Faith not happy with you, gone. We not happy with you, gone. Mase not happy with you, gone.