Nameless (13 page)

Erin ignored
his sarcasm. She breathed loudly and rapidly. Felt like she was on the verge of
tears or hysterics or something equally dramatic.

Finally, Seth
asked, his tone quite different, “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” she
told him weakly. “I just can’t believe this is happening.”

Seth’s tone was
ineffably reasonable as he murmured, “I believe kicking is a fairly normal
phenomenon in this stage of pregnancy.”

“Yeah. I just
mean this whole thing. I mean, I can’t believe it’s happening.” She stared down
at her belly. At her baby. “How the hell did this
happen
?”

“Well, I realize
it’s been a couple of months for you, but surely you haven’t forgotten the
procedure already.”

Erin giggled
stupidly, even though his comment hadn’t been all that funny.

He continued,
“If you need a refresher, I believe they make certain films portraying the act
in some detail. Or I’m sure you could find some information on the internet,
including vivid descriptions in narrative form and of varying quality."

Erin was laughing
helplessly now and no longer at risk of bursting into tears. “Thanks, Seth,”
she said, confident that he would know what she was thanking him for.

There was a
brief pause. “You’re welcome. That’s what I’m here for.”

A strange
warmth was growing in her chest—and, for once, it wasn’t heartburn.

Erin was
starting to believe that Seth really would be there. Not just for the baby, but
also for
her
. In certain ways, at least.

It was a
strange realization, and one Erin wasn’t entirely comfortable with. She’d
depended on Marcus, and she’d suffered for it. Since then, she’d relied only on
herself, on her strongholds of independence and self-sufficiency.

But it was
still nice that he was around to help her keep things in perspective and keep
her from turning into a blubbering sap.

It was best to
limit her dependence on him to that, though. Seth was being uncharacteristically
supportive in this, but his nature was so much more complex than he'd been
revealing to her in the last four months.

He was—for
reasons that still remained unknowable—showing Erin this one pleasant,
supportive side of himself.

But Seth Thomas
would always be so much more than the father of her baby.

Erin let out a defeated sigh as
she pushed aside her laptop. She’d been working with her online banking site and
a budget spreadsheet for the last two hours.

No matter how
she tried to figure her hypothetical budget a few months from now, there just
wasn’t enough money for quality daycare. She made a decent salary, but there
had never been a lot left over for extras, particularly given the expense of
living in the city.

Daycare was far
more expensive than she’d ever imagined.

As it was, she
had limited options. All of the daycare providers she would have considered
preferable had waiting lists a mile long—so there was virtually no chance of
getting her daughter in, even though the baby wouldn’t be born for three more
months. Some of the other places without waiting lists were completely out of
the question. That left a few which were all right, but Erin still got a sick
feeling in her stomach at the thought of leaving her infant daughter at such a
place for so many hours a day.

Automatically,
she reached out for the phone but stopped herself just in time. She’d been
about to call Seth. Just to talk. It had been an instinctive gesture, prompted
by the need to not feel quite so alone.

But she was
depending too much on his companionship and support. They talked nearly every
day now, and she was afraid of what would happen when he decided his interest
in this child wasn’t as agreeable as he now thought.

She knew it
would happen eventually. When other things became more compelling or rewarding
to him, he would move on. It was what he’d done in every relationship he’d ever
been in.

Erin couldn’t
let herself be hurt or needy when that happened.

Besides, in
this issue, Seth would be of no help to her. He’d simply offer her money as a
way of solving all her problems and would probably use her temporary anxiety
about finances as a way of promoting his own agenda.

Seth was
insisting on paying for a nanny, but Erin hated the thought of some strange
young woman living with them, intruding on her life, taking constant care of
her baby. Plus, she hated the feeling of dependence on Seth that accepting his
money would create.

But, at this
point, she had almost no choice.

She was having
this baby, and she had to work. And, unfortunately, she couldn’t tote her child
to the courthouse every day.

Liz had even
suggested a few weeks ago that she could move back to their hometown, since it
would be a lower cost of living and she’d have plenty of help with childcare.
She didn’t have a dream career after all. She could find another job.

Erin hadn’t
reacted well to the suggestion.

“What a mess,” Erin
groaned aloud and looked down at her stomach, larger than it had been a month
ago. “Why does everything good have to be so expensive? I’m sorry all you have
is me.”

 She thought
about her limited bank account. Thought about how she’d be solely responsible
for this entire little life, in only three months now. Taking care of her,
feeding and clothing her, making sure she was safe and happy.

How was she
supposed to do that? On her own.

She knew Seth
was willing to help to a certain extent, but Erin would be the one raising
their child. She didn’t know anything about kids, and yet she was committed to
her daughter—for the rest of her life.

 “I’m sorry you
won’t have parents who really know what they’re doing, but I’ll do whatever I
need to do to make a good life for you. Even if it means accepting your daddy’s
money.”

She hated the
thought of it. Knew an offer of money was no burden for Seth and that it was an
inevitable part of his involvement.

But money was
always a means of control. She knew that too well from her years with Marcus,
where she’d had to agree to his plans for their life since he was the one
earning the paycheck.

Erin gave up on
her budget and started getting ready for bed.

She hoped her
daughter wouldn’t end up suffering because she was so woefully unprepared in
every way.

 “I know,” she
said, feeling stupid and lonely as her daughter kicked as she slid into bed. “I
shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. We’re going to be fine. But you deserve for
things to be better than fine.”

***

Erin was only allowed to feel
sorry for herself occasionally, so the next day she was back on track, determined
to keep in good spirits and concentrate on everything that was going well.

She knew better
than to expect life to offer her an easy road. Call it cynical, call it
realistic, call it whatever you liked—life often sucked, and it was stupid to
expect it to be otherwise.

After work, she
was both tired and restless, and, instead of risking another breakdown, she
decided to pamper herself for the evening. So she picked up dinner from her
favorite Italian place on her way home and, after eating, she drew herself a
warm bath, lit several candles, and turned on some relaxing music.

She soaked in
the tub for a long time, enjoying the quiet luxury of it and even managing to
shave her legs for the first time in...a while. She used a fragrant salt scrub
on her skin that Liz had given her last month. And she willed herself to relax,
letting her worries wash away with the water.

Looking down at
her wet body in the dim light, she decided she liked the way it looked at the
moment. The curve of her belly was dramatic and strangely fascinating, and her
breasts and hips looked particularly lush and womanly.

She stroked her
hands over her body, enjoying the way her wet skin felt so slick and supple.

Now she felt
more restless than ever, so she slipped a hand down to her clit and rubbed it
in the warm water, deciding that a quick, efficient physical release would
allow her to relax more completely.

It took her a
few minutes because she'd been initially more restless than aroused, and it was
a little uncomfortable to position her body conveniently in the tub, but she
reached orgasm eventually in a pleasurable, if unexceptional release. She let
her body slump back into the cooling water afterwards.

She was
basically relaxed now, but she didn’t feel satisfied.

Sighing in
frustration, she let the water drain out of the tub and carefully heaved
herself to her feet, feeling clumsier than usual with her extra size.

Drying herself
off with a thick towel, she let her hair down from the clip she'd been wearing
and looked at her naked body in the mirror. Felt an almost irresistible
compulsion to be touched by someone, by something other than her own hand.

Still
continuing her evening of indulgence, Erin put on the chemise she’d bought when
she'd been shopping with Liz last month.

It was made of
a red slinky material, with an empire waistline, emphasizing the rich curve of
her breasts and clinging to the swell of her belly. It looked as good as any
piece of lingerie would look on Erin in her current condition.

She left the
bathroom feeling a little blah and moved the lit candles to her bedroom.

In the
candlelight, she stretched out on her bed, feeling sexy, restless, and a little
depressed. Hoping to ease her overactive libido, she tried to get herself off
again with her hand. Maybe all she needed was another orgasm.

They said that,
at this stage in pregnancy, women could orgasm more easily than ever before.

But she stopped
with a frustrated groan before she climaxed again.

Why the hell
should she keep feeling like this when she didn’t have to? Seth had offered to help
her out in such moments, so why shouldn’t she take advantage of his generosity?

Yes, she needed
to be careful. Didn’t want to get too dependent on his presence—either
emotionally or physically. But she’d gone almost three months now without
asking for his help. Surely she was allowed the occasional indulgence.

Before she
could talk herself out of it, she reached for the phone.

If he didn’t
answer, she would discreetly hang up and pretend the whole thing had never
occurred.

Seth did pick
up. On the fourth ring.

“Is everything
all right?” he demanded, before she’d even said hello.

“Yeah,” she
assured him, her voice breaking a little because she was suddenly swept with a
wave of embarrassment. How exactly was she supposed to tell him that she was
calling him up on a random Friday night because she wanted him to come over and
fuck her? “Sorry to bother you. Are you busy?”

“No. I’m not
busy. What’s wrong?” Seth’s voice was brisk and impersonal, and his response
more blunt than usual.

“I was just
hoping that—” Erin broke off, trying to choose the right words. Shifting
uncomfortably on the bed, she decided it would be easier to broach the subject
in person. “If you’re not busy and you don’t mind, I was hoping you might come
over.”

“Right now? What’s
wrong?”

“Nothing’s
wrong,” she choked, her cheeks blazing red. God, what an idiot. She’d been
stupid to even consider this. Better pull out while she still had a sliver of
her dignity. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m on my
way.”

Then he just
hung up.

Erin covered
her face with her hands and shuddered in humiliation for a few minutes. Then
she shook herself off. Decided she had nothing to be embarrassed about. Seth
had offered, hadn't he? All she was doing was taking him up on it.

So what if it
made her feel horny and desperate?

Seth was
knocking on her door less than ten minutes later, much sooner than she expected
him, so Erin had to get off her bed, trying to convince herself that she wasn’t
embarrassed.

It took her a
minute to get to the door, since she wasn’t able to hurry. By the time she
reached it, Seth was pounding his fist against the door with urgent insistence.

He was dressed
in a tux and looked as handsome and elegant as she’d ever seen him, but his face
was set in a tight expression. “What’s wrong?” he demanded thickly, without any
greeting at all.

“Nothing. I
told you I was fine.” Taking in his formal attire, she added resentfully, “You
said you weren’t busy.”

He shrugged,
his face relaxing slightly. “I wasn’t. Just a boring opera. Why the hell did
you need me to come over if nothing is wrong?”

 “Don’t be rude
to me. I told you on the phone not to worry about it. I shouldn’t have called
you at all.”

He scanned her
from head to foot, and Erin suddenly felt self-conscious in her stupid chemise
with her enormous belly sticking out beneath her breasts.

“I’ll be right
back.” She turned around and walked away from him, thinking she’d get a
bathrobe from her room to cover up with.

Seth followed
her, closing the front door to her apartment behind him. “Erin,” he insisted. “Tell
me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s
wrong. I shouldn’t have called you. It’s nothing.”

“Obviously,
it’s something.” He trailed her into the bedroom. Once he entered, he stopped
short, his momentum cut off as he gazed around. It was basically neat, thank God,
and was lit only by the candles. It smelled of the lotion Erin had applied to
her skin and the scented candles, and the comforter was rumpled from where she’d
been laying on it.

His eyes shot
back to her, scanning her chemise and then focusing on her flushed face. “Has
someone else been here?” he demanded, something possessive igniting in his eyes.

“No. Although
it’s not your business, even if I'd been indulging in the depths of depravity. I
was just trying to have a relaxing evening by myself, but I got...restless. So
I called you. But I can see now it was a mistake.”