Naw Much of a Talker (10 page)

She done exactly whit ah said an’ hawf an oor later wis sleepin like a wee pet or summit. An ah wis sittin beside her, wonderin how come ye kin only be a nice guy wance some cunt’s
been a total cunt, like Buddy.

Tae get tae sit beside Regula an’ watch her sleepin is life at its fuckin best. The nicest thing, probably, a battle-weary cloon like me kin even imagine.

Whit worries me is that Regula’s the only wan, the only wan ae ivrywan ah know, who his nowt tae dae wi drugs an’ aw that shit. An’ nivver his hid, even if
she works fur fuckin Pesche.

Ah think if ah want tae be in regular touch wi her, ah’ll need tae watch ah dont drag her too faur in. Too faur intae ma world. It widnae be guid fur her. She hisnae it easy as it is. Wi a
boyfriend like that, an’ a fuckin boss like that.

Wance she’d went tae sleep, ah ate whit wis left ae the soup ah made her. Years ago, when ah wis a wee boy, if ahd a problem (an’ ah swear tae fuck: ahd problems
even in they days) ma maw aye said tae eat summit first, things wid look diffrint if ah stopped tae eat summit.

Even wance ahd eaten but, nuthin hid changed. Regula looked gorgeous an’ innocent as she lay there dreamin, thanks tae ma Mellaril an’ Somnitol. As fur me: ma immediate future didnae
look too rosy: nae money soon, a woman in ma pit who wisnae mine. A few sick friends an’ a mad desire tae run away fae aw that, anywhere, somewhere where it wis warmer an’ quieter,
preferably wi Regula if she ivver woke up. Course, she’d wake fuckin up, ah shidnae be thinkin like that.

As ah hiv anither fag, wee Stofer comes back tae mind an’ how he wis boastin aboot inheritin a hoose fae his uncle, an auld farmhoose doon in Spain. An’ how he said if ivver ahd time
an’ wantit tae, we kid head doon thegither.

Ah hiv tae be totally honest an’ say: ah dont believe this hoose story ae his is completely kosher. Tae start wi, Stofer nivver ivver mentioned an uncle fae who he kid inherit a hoose wan
day. An’ if there wis ivver a cunt who tellt ye ivrythin, sometimes mair than ivrythin, then it wis wee fuckin Stofer. Secondly, if yiv a hoose like that, ye leave it tae a foundation fur
poor weans or single mothers or summit like that – an’ naw tae the worst fuckin runner in the Fog. Even if yir related tae the cunt.

Ah unrolled a mat in the livin room an’ since ah kidnae find ma sleepin bag, ah used an auld winter coat an’ a tablecloth as covers. Fae the bedroom ye kid hear Regula’s
breathin: regular. Even in her sleep, her eyes wur a bit funny, like a cat’s nearly, or the ice-skater’s whose name ahv forgot, who ah kin jist see but.

Part ae me wantit nuthin mair than tae close the door so as ahd hiv peace. At the same time but, ah couldnae know wis this goney be the first an’ last time Regula slept
at ma place an’ so ah wantit tae be able tae hear her.

Tellin ye, ma nut wis spinnin, totally spinnin. Ma makeshift bed wis useless-as-fuck, ma nerves as taut as the cable oan the funicular up the Jungfrau. Ma thoughts wur daein whitivver they
fuckin wantit wi me.

Yir a wuss, Goalie, ah tellt masel. How’d ye offer Regi yir ain bed an’ jist say ye’d sleep in the livin room jist? Ye kid hiv waited aff a bit afore allocatin the fuckin
sleepin accommodation. She’ll end up thinkin yiv a problem wi women. Sayin that, if she dis think that, she willnae be far wrang. Ah dae hiv a problem. Wi her, that is.

Stuff like that wis whit ah wis thinkin as ah twisted an’ turned oan this stupit fuckin survival bed, rememberin Sonny Boy, the tanned bastard in the sports shop who’d palmed the
fucker oan tae me, an’ whether ah wantit tae ur naw, ah kid feel masel startin tae hate the fuckin cunt.

Wi a self-inflatable mattress like this, ye kin sleep at two thoosan metres even, nae bother. It’s the absolute best ye kin get at the moment. An’ as ah said,
it’s guaranteed up tae two thoosan metres. Self-inflatable, breathable, thermoshield oan baith sides, still incredibly light an’ compact but. Guaranteed: ye’ll hiv nae bother wi
it, up tae an’ includin two thoosan metres.

How the fuck dae ye make that oot, arsehole? If ah cannae fuckin sleep, even doon here in the flat country? Mibbe ah shid phone ye thenoo an’ ask whit exactly ye fuckin meant by guaranteed
sleep oan yir super-duper mattress. An’ whether ye kid yodel a fuckin lullaby mibbe while yir at it mibbe, ya slimy cuntin patter-merchant.

Later, ah minded that – as a wean – when ah kidnae get tae sleep, ah sometimes crept intae ma parents’ bed, got in between the them an’ imagined ah wis Baby Bear
an’ they wur Mummy an’ Daddy Bear an’ it wis hibernatin time, we wur jist hibernatin jist, so it wis aw cool, nae sweat, etc etc etc – an’ ahd drift aff an’
widnae hiv tae imagine any mair. That wis a trick ah wis really guid at as a wean: imaginin summit nice jist. Nae idea how an’ why ah forgot how tae dae it.

Anither bit later, ah wis askin masel hid ah been a fuckin nutter tae gi’e Regula aw the fuckin Mellaril ah hid in the hoose. Ye needed a prescription fur the stuff. Tae replenish ma
supplies, ahd need tae come up wi a story fur Dr Wydenmeyer. He might be a guid guy, Dr Wydenmeyer, he disnae fuckin jist haun stuff oot but.

When it got tae the point ah wis thinkin the night must be over, ah went intae the kitchen furra gulp ae water. Ah looked at the clock: it wis still only hawf past twelve. Ah thought the clock
hid stopped. The wan oan the cooker wis sayin the same but – so ah hid tae believe it even if nae cunt kin believe how fast time kin fly sometimes, an’ sometimes naw at aw.

Ah sat doon at the kitchen table an’ made a hawf-hearted attempt at a puzzle. Wan ae they advertisin things. Five minutes later, ah hid it. The word they wur lookin fur wis ‘Nescafe
Gold’, so two words actually, nae need tae be pedantic but. Naw, it’s awright, Nescafe Gold, ah thought, pourin masel a wee rum. A Havanna Club. It’s got gold oan the label
an’ aw.

Away an’ get some kip, Goalie, ah heard masel whisperin. Dae summit, Goalie. Gi’e Stofer a phone.

Stofer.

Hi, Stofer. It’s me, Goalie.

Goalie, hi! Whit ye needin?

Naw, this is a private call. Naw business. Ahm makin a private call here, okay?

Ah dont gi’e a fuck why yir cawin, mate. Know how little a fuck ah gi’e? Naw a fuckin fuck, Goalie. Tell me but: how ur ye speakin so quiet?

That’s the way he is, Stofer. He gi’es a fuck aboot fuck-aw, jist aboot. He disnae gi’e a fuck who ye ur, he disnae gi’e a fuck whit time it is, he
gi’es a fuck aboot fuck-aw, except debts. Naw his ain, he disnae gi’e a fuck aboot them eether. See if ye owe him money but, he gi’es mair ae a fuck aboot that sometimes.

Stofer, hiv ye still that hoose doon in Spain?

How d’ye know aboot that?

Ye tellt me yersel. Jist recently there. D’ye naw mind?

Oh aye, so ah did. So why ye askin hiv ah still got it, ya stupit cunt? Why shid ah suddenly naw hiv it, if ah hid it the day afore yistirday still?

Ah dont know. Ye jist ask, dont ye?

Is that aw ye want tae know?

Can ah use it?

Use whit?

Yir hoose, man. Kin ah go there fur a week or ten days or summit. Ahd like tae take a look at it. Ahm interested jist.

Depends. Ahm goin doon in the Spring anyhoo. If ye want, ye kin come alang.

Naw, Stofer, ah mean noo. Kid ah go doon thenoo, fae themorra or the day efter themorra.

It’s naw got proper heatin.

That disnae matter.

Hey, Goalie, d’ye know how cauld it is doon there? Naewhere in the world is it as fuckin cauld as in Spain in winter when yiv nae heatin.

Disnae matter. Ahv a thermoshield inflatable mattress. It works up tae two thoosan metres, guaranteed.

Come intae Cobbles themorra an’ we kin talk aboot it.

Ahm naw allowed. Pesche, the cunt, his barred me. Fur his ain made-up reasons.

How?

Disnae matter how. That’s jist the way it is jist.

In that case, eight o’clock at the Spanish Club. An’ ah’ll clear things up wi Pesche fur ye. Realise, but, if ye want tae use the hoose, ye’ll need a car. Ye kin forget
it doon there if yiv nae car.

Ah hivnae got wan any mair.

Ye’ll need wan but if ye want tae heid doon. Trust me. It’s naw like here where ye kin aye use public transport.

So ah kin go then?

We’ll talk aboot it themorra night. At eight. In the Spanish Club.

It’s in the diary. Thanks, Stofer.

Nae bother, Goalie. See an’ get a good kip. Ye need it, by the sound of it. Yir really naw soundin great.

You but ur soundin brilliant. Bye fur now, mate.

At some point ah fell asleep, eftir aw. In the mornin, ma back felt like an auld reinforcin rod. Warped. Rusty. Nae fuckin give in it, hardly.

Regi, ur ye awake? Say summit, Regula. Ah wis worried. When ah goes o’er tae the bed but, it’s empty. Regula’s gone. Ah thought ahd flipped. Ahd awready been
thinkin ae goin o’er tae the bakery fur fresh croissants an’ some ae that multi-vitamin juice. Tae Stocker himsel, ah kin gi’e it: ah’ll pay ye at the end ae the month.
He’s the owner, ye see, an’ still his a heart fur the likes ae me, he’s the auld-school type an’ naw jist obsessed wi the money. Ahd imagined takin her breakfast in bed
an’ aw, lookin eftir her, readin an excitin book tae her, an’ – in between – strokin a strand ae hair back oota her face an’ stuff like that. Fucksake but. Noo
she’s gone – an’ ah dont need fuckin croissants fur masel, ah dont even like fuckin croissants, if ah dae eat them fae time tae time, it’s only cos ivry other cunt dis,
jist. They aw eat fuckin croissants an’ ah cannae rid masel ae the suspicion nae cunt actually likes the bastarn things. It’s wan ae they convention things jist, ah reckon. Ye eat the
bastarn things, then ye get used tae eatin them, then it disnae enter yir heid there might be summit better ye kid eat in the mornins. The English eat sausages, eggs & bacon & stuff in the
mornin. Naw any better, necessarily. But at least it’s summit diffrint but.

When ah get tae the kitchen, there’s a letter fae Regula lyin there. Naw a real letter, mair a kindae note.

Ah read the letter fifteen times, fur sure. Course, ye kin sleep at mine. Thenight. Themorra night. The next thoosan years if ye fuckin want!

Ah’ll get the flat nice ‘n’ clean fur ye. Then ah’ll change the bed again. Ah’ll gi’e this dump a guid fuckin airin. Mibbe ah’ll even buy flooers, tae
make the place nice. Even if, at this time ae year, ye kin only get they ugly laboratory-flooers fae some Dutch nuclear-reactor greenhouse or ither.

As if ah gi’e a fuck! Ah read Regula’s letter anither ten times. Twenty times. A hunner times!

As ah suspected. Stofer’s naw the worst cunt in the world. Course, he his his flaws, who disnae? He wis brand new but when ah needed him. Drew me a great wee map, wrote
doon the name an’ address ae a Spanish guy fur me, gave me two keys an’ tellt me tae be careful, naw tae fuckin break anythin an’ tae turn the water aff again when ah wis leavin.
Afore ah did leave, ah wis tae tell this Hector guy that wis me goin so he knew the hoose wis empty. Ah didnae hiv tae clean it, Hector’s wife wid dae that.

Who’s this Hector guy?

The guy at the address ah gave ye. He looks eftir the hoose. Look, there, ah wrote it doon fur ye.

Ah know. Whit kinda guy is he but?

He’s cool. Ye’ll see fur yirsel. He lives next door, practically, in whit used tae be the chapel hoose. Say hi fae me.

When ah got hame, Regula wis awready there. Ahd pit a key unner the plant fur her.

She looked a bit better than the evenin before, still naw ideal but. Above aw: she’d cooked summit nice. Even fae a distance it smelt guid.

Ye dont hiv tae cook fur me!

Ah wantit tae. It distracted me a bit.

Wur gaun tae Spain themorra, Regi!

Who?

Jist us. Jist you an’ me!

Me? How me? Ur ye mad? Ahv nae mair holidays tae take.

Wur naw goin oan holiday. It’s an educational trip wur gaun oan. Tell Pesche it’s personal development. The course lasts a fortnight. Or get the doctor tae write ye a line.
It’s naw as if yir short ae reasons.

It took a while – in the end ah persuaded her but. Sometimes it’s handy tae hiv the gift ae the gab a bit. Ah called Dr Wydenmeyer.

Whit’s it aboot, the receptionist wantit tae know.

It’s a very delicate matter. If at aw possible, ah shid only discuss it wi the doctor.

Wait a moment, please. Ah’ll see if he’s free tae come tae the phone.

Ah’ll wait, thanks, yeah.

He tellt her tae come an’ see him first thing the next mornin. An’ when he seen her, he said she shoulda come straight tae him. Right away, when Buddy battered her. He wrote her a
line fur an unlimited period an’ they made an appointment fur eftir the trip.

As ahm aye sayin: if yiv a doctor like Dr Wydenmeyer, yiv summit solid tae build oan. Wydenmeyer’s someone who his a feel fur people. Who knows who needs whit an’ when. In addition
tae that – an’ that’s naw tae be sneezed at eether – Dr Wydenmeyer’s oan the side ae they folk who hivnae got it easy. Whit mair kin ye ask fur in a doctor?

That eftirnoon, we took the train tae Paris, via Berne an’ Neuchâtel. Ah hidnae been able tae get haud ae a car. It didnae matter but. It wisnae as faur as ah thought. We’d tae
get fae wan station in Paris tae anither yin, then in – Gare Austerlitz, it wis cawed – we took the night train that goes tae Hendaye via Bordeaux. An amazin journey. Above aw, if
Regula is wi ye an’ yiv enough rid wine.

The next mornin, we crossed the border oan fit. Ah know the area. Hendaye an’ Irún hiv grown tae become wan place, practically. Ye kid take a kinda tram an’
aw. Ah preferred tae walk but.

So we foot it across an’ in Irún go tae where the intercity buses set aff fae. Afore we leave, we hiv an aniseed brandy oan the rocks an’ some guid ham. Then it’s aboot
five oors oan the bus, then the ferry, fae the toon o’er tae the village.