Naw Much of a Talker (8 page)

But ah ahm, Goalie. Ahm interested, Regula said.

Ah pit ma airm roon her – tae make things a bit mair intimate like – afore ah opened up. Jist ma luck but: at that very moment, her wee goddaughter hit the ice, so tae speak, then
made an immediate beeline fur her, cryin her wee eyes oot cos she’d hurtit her knee or shin or summit. So we’d tae change the subject.

Eftir the skatin, she took the wean back tae her sister. Ah went wi her an’ asked wid she let me treat her tae her dinner.

Ur ye back in the money?

Widda hiv asked if ah wisnae? It’s naw as if we need tae go tae a five-star joint, is it. We kid go tae ma place, fur instance, an’ ah kid cook her summit.

Buddy’s expectin me but.

Ah let oan ahd tae work oot who this Buddy guy wis. Then suddenly gave it: och aye, Buddy, ahd forgot aw aboot him, jist aboot. Buddy! How cant ye jist forget him?

She’d nae immediate answer tae that, an’ that pleased me in itsel cos if ye cant come up wi reasons fur how ye want tae be wi someone, that mibbe means that relationship isnae daein
it any mair fur ye. An’ that ye shid mibbe think aboot cawin it a day. Ah didnae actually say it, ah knew but – gi’en hawf the chance – ah kid get used tae the idea.

Ah lost the place a bit that evenin, hiv tae admit. Wis a late night wi Stofer at the brewery. Stofer’s a poor bastard. A naw-very-successful runner ah know fae afore
an’ aw. It wis obvious, even at school, he’d hiv a hard time wan day: he wis bein tormented even in they days. He’s hardly any friends, Stofer. Pesche takes care ae him
occasionally, Uli did when he wis still able tae, an’ there’s mibbe anither two or three guys like that. That disnae mean but ye hiv tae stay in the brewery aw fuckin night, listenin
tae aw they stories an’ knockin that many jars back. Stofer’s someone but who makes me feel sorry fur him, mibbe even wrongly, cos there’s probably fuck-aw reason tae feel sorry
fur him an’ if there is, ma feelin sorry fur him isnae goney help him fuck-aw.

Least ah kin say ahv nivver owed Stofer nuthin, an’ he’s nivver owed me owt. That’s naw naw sayin nuthin eether. Ye cant say that ae ivrybody.

Know summit, Goalie, ye need tae pay mair attention tae yir karma. A loatae karmic matter his come intae contact wi yir soul. That only means but: yir also able tae carry it. If yiv guid karma,
it disnae matter whit’s happened in the past. Aw ae that’s wiped oot. Aw that coonts is the path that leads tae yir inner centre. Know whit ahm oan aboot?

It’s naw, ah dont like Stofer. Methinks sometimes but, ahm gradually gettin tae an age when ye cant always blame ivry cunt else. Whit dis ma nut in sometimes wi Stofer is aw the borin
fuckin esoteric gibble-gabble he’s constantly comin oot wi. Ahm sorry but: karma, matter, spirit, reincarnation etc, aw that might be nice ‘n’ intristin fur folk that ur intae
that kinda thing, see me but, ahv come intae this world a few times awready, an’ by that ah mean: intae this here fuckin life. Ah tellt Stofer that an’ aw. Listen, Stofer: see if yiv
come intae the world as often as ah hiv, ah went tae him, aw this reincarnation fuckin stuff offers ye fuck-aw hope. Keep it tae yir-fuckin-sel, wull ye.

Ah know, there’s nae need tae tell me, ah know ma arguments wur a bit super-fuckin-ficial. That fuckin said but: eftir four fuckin oors in an ale house, four oors ae listenin tae inner
centres an’ transmi-fuckin-gration, four oors ae Stofer lecturin me an’ knockin back as many jars as we done, ahd like tae fuckin see the cunt who wid want, or wid be able, tae argue
mair differentiatedly.

Know whit, Stofer? Seein as that tongue ae yours is in full fuckin flow, use it tae order me a beer, will ye.

Aw ae a sudden, in the middle ae aw this pseudo-intellectual babble aboot spheres an’ weltgeist an’ karmic matter, wee Stofer says he’s inherited a hoose, by the way, doon in
Spain, in a village oan the Atlantic, an auld mansion, fae his uncle. It wis auld, but big but, thick solid stone walls an’ that. An’ if ahd ivver the time an’ felt like it, we
kid take a trip doon thegither.

Course, ah thought right away ae that book ahd been readin, boot the two guys who inherit a hoose, somewhere in America, the South. Ah minded an’ aw that things didnae
aye go well fur them, wance they hid the hoose. Ah tried tae explain it tae Stofer. It wis pointless. Cunt nivver reads – an’ certainly naw novels. At maist, he looks at they ghost
stories ye kin buy at kiosks, or else aw that reincarnation crap ae his. That kin come in book form an’ aw. They’re naw whit ahd caw books but.

Whit’s that yir sayin? Yiv inherited a hoose?

Didnt ah jist tell ye.

Fae an uncle?

An uncle, aye.

In Spain?

Spain, aye. Oan the Atlantic.

A guid hoose? Is it in guid nick?

It is, aye.

An’ it belangs tae you?

Isnt that whit ahm tryin tae tell ye the hale time? Ur ye naw listenin, Goalie?

Obviously, aye: ah thought aboot it a lot oan the way hame. How dis Stofer, ae aw folk, get tae inherit a shack? Or wis he so fuckin high, he didnae realise the shite that wis
dribblin ootae his mooth again? How wid ye make summit like that up but? Ye dont make shit like that up.

Widnae be bad anyhoo, that’s fur fuckin sure: a bit ae Spain again, a bit ae seaside an’ olive trees or whitivver kinda trees there is aroon there an’ above aw: the diffrint
sounds. It’s ages since ah went somewhere. An’ the Fog here, if ye examine it closely, is hardly the kinda place tae gi’e ye that we’re-aw-goin-oana-summer-holiday kinda
feelin.

It’s still a bit strange but that Stofer’s nivver mentioned the possibility he kid inherit summit at some point. Hisnae even mentioned he’s got relatives in Spain. Stofer wi a
hoose in Spain? Sounds kinda odd. An’ as ahm thinkin that, ma thoughts start blendin wi images fae holiday brochures – beach, water, sun, water, beach – an’ at that, ah doze
off.

Did ye hear Eso Stofer his inherited a hoose doon in Spain? His uncle died, apparently, an’ left the hoose tae him.

Uli’s still oan wan ae they drips. Least the colour in his face is back a bit.

Aye, he says, ah know.

Eh? Ye knew? Ye knew he’s inherited a hoose oan the Atlantic an’ ye didnae tell me? Whit’s wrang wi ye, mate? How come ye didnae tell me?

He tellt me when ye wur in the nick, ah think. Ahd forgot again, practically, in the meantime. If ahd minded, ahd definately hiv tellt ye.

Fuckit, Uli, ye shoulda tellt me right away. We’ll need tae go. That’s where oor next holiday’ll be. Think aboot it: Spain, the sea, the sea wind. The cured ham they hiv doon
there, an’ then the dry sherry an’ the grilled sardines an’ aw they things pit thegither!

He didnae want tae think aboot things like that right noo. Leavin aside the fact he didnae know hoo much longer he’d be in here.

So ye knew Eso Stofer hid an uncle in Spain? Ah cannae mind him ivver mentionin him.

Naw, ah think ah did know that, aye, somehoo. Pesche mentioned it wance, ah think. Ah cannae mind right.

Which Pesche? The Cobbles yin?

Aye, exactly: him! Or mibbe it wis some ither cunt, ah dont know any mair. Stop askin sae many questions, Goalie. Ahv a buzzin noise in ma heid an’ it’s naw goney get any better if
ah keep hivin tae answer questions, is it.

It’s as if Uli’s pretendin he’s naw intristit in aw this. It disnae exactly surprise me. He’s behavin a bit like Regula recently when ah phoned tae ask whit the story wis
wi the stuff they found in the toilet at Cobbles. Regi spoke an’ aw like someone who’s talkin wi’oot really focusin oan whit they’re sayin, who’s thinkin ae whit kid
happen next as they’re talkin.

Away tae fuck, Uli! A hoose ae yir ain at the seaside! Ah hope he disnae go an’ dae summit stupit wi it. Ye kid imagine Stofer daein anythin, jist aboot. He kid hiv the idea suddenly tae
set up a Soul Centre wi joss sticks an’ a Reincarnation Library, the works. He’s capable ae haunin the hoose o’er tae a guru or some kinda movement. Ahd nivver hiv thought it,
this hale hoose thing is makin me nervous but.

Dont make such a big thing ae it, Goalie. Mibbe the hoose is nuthin but a ruin nae cunt kid ivver live in. Ye know whit wee Stofer’s like.

Exactly, ah know whit like he is. Know almost too well. By the way, Uli, whit d’ye think: if ah open the windae a bit, kid we mibbe hiv a quick fag in here? Worst they kin dae is
complain.

Smoke if ye want. Oan your heid be it but.

We left it in the end, cos ae the guy in the bed next tae Uli. Hooked up tae an oxygen machine he wis. Didnae want tae risk him freakin oot. He kidda been a former smoker but, who widda been
pleased tae smell the smell ae smoke again. It wis possible anyhow. Ah jist didnae want tae risk it.

Ah dropped ma voice a bit an’ asked Uli hid he heard they’d found summit recently in the gents at Cobbles, a wee stash, an’ that they’d went straight fur me, the cunts,
though ah knew fuck-aw aboot it.

Naw, he didnae know.

Did Marta naw say nuthin?

Naw. It’s new tae me.

So, in that case, ye dont know eether whose sugar it wis?

Naw.

Ye realise Gross, the plain-clothes guy, suspected me at first? Fortunately, he’s wan ae they guys that occasionally believe summit ye tell them or ahd be in even deeper fuckin shit.

Gross isnae clean himsel, ye know.

That’s naw true. He’s clean enough, Uli. There’s ither stuff ye kid accuse him ae, he’s definitely cleaner than you or fuckin me but.

Comin tae the defence ae a cop, Goalie, eh?

Ahm comin tae nae cunt’s defence. Ahm jist sayin it’s naw the drug squad officer’s fault if dimwits like Pesche start spreadin the rumour ah stashed sugar in his bog.
That’s how ahm sayin whit ahm sayin. Nae fuckin cop on the planet widda believed someone like me when ah said ahd nowt tae dae wi it. Gross believed me but. He believed me.

And did ye naw like?

Furfucksake, Uli, ye testin ma fuckin nerves or whit? Ah didnae, naw, an’ ah widnae eether.

An’ whit wis Gross sayin? Who done it if it wisnae you?

Whit wis he supposed tae say? That he wis keepin a closer eye oan this wan or that wan? D’ye think the drugs squad’s goney haun me aw its intelligence oan a plate or whit? Dont
fuckin rile me, Uli. Dont fuckin go there.

Ahm sorry, Goalie.

It’s awright.

Ah stayed anither fifteen minutes mibbe. Thought aboot how odd it wis, a hospital like this, a place like this, makin folk well again so they can get hame ASAP an’ catch
new illnesses an’ hiv new accidents an’ so oan an’ so oan an’ it nivver endin. We aw die at some point anyhoo. Then the next loat come alang – Mother Nature sees tae
that – wi their appendicitis, slipped discs, heart attacks, hepatitis etc. Naw that we’re intristit in any ae that: we’re deid eftir aw, as deid as ye can be, i.e. definitively,
probably, even if ye kin hardly start tae imagine whit that involves. That’s the only reason aw they religions exist. An’ guys like Stofer – who wonder whit’s behind it aw,
behind life, an’ cannae accept it’s mibbe absolutely nuthin that comes next, i.e. a vacuum, eternal fuck-aw, a big black hole.

Take that fuckin face aff, Goalie. Folk’ll think yiv grief at hame.

It’s awright. Ah wis jist thinkin aboot whit ahv still tae dae an’ that. Ah’ll need tae be goin. Ah’ll be back but.

Kin ye see if there’s anyone in the corridor who kid get me a coffee?

Yeah. Ah’ll look an’ see. Bye, mate.

Fur the next few oors ah wis full ae go, strangely. Wis almost as if ahd inherited a hoose in Spain masel.

Ah imagined whit like it wid be tae be sittin doon there, oot in the heat, in wan ae they white linen suits that lets the air in aboot ye, wi a panama hat on yir heid an’ a glass ae dry
sherry in yir haun an’ a few olives as ye relax in wan ae they basket chairs ye sometimes see in they brochures, or in photies ae the holiday hoose ae some rich cunt. Imagine jist sittin
there, in the shade ae a veranda. Nae stress. Imagine jist bein there, enjoyin the warmth an’ watchin the sun tracin its arc, an’ that’s aw yiv tae dae. Fuck, wouldn’t it be
great tae dae aw that again.

Sometimes, fur days oan end, ah cant get the bastarn Joke ootae ma heid.

Why ah got the jail, ah hardly know masel, actually. Regula’s naw the only wan who asks. Sorry but: how ahm ah supposed tae explain it, if ah cannae explain it masel?

It wis aw pretty complicated back then. That kinda thing nearly always is. An’ that’s whit the judges nivver seem tae grasp – tae want tae grasp – an’ if they dae,
they ignore it.

It wis tae dae wi money, quite a loatae money. An’ quite a loatae junk they claimed belanged tae me, that didnae but. It wis also tae dae wi a trip ah played a role in – true –
a very diffrint yin but fae the role that judge in Aarwangen decided, in the end, ahd played.

It wis Uli, actually, who dug ma grave fur me. He wantit me tae go an’ collect a friend ae his in ma old banger. Guy’d be waitin in Pontarlier fur me, at the foot ae the Jura.

How dis he naw jist take a train, this friend.

He’s nae money.

Aha. An’ how wis he, Uli, naw goin tae collect him himsel?

Nae time.

Aha. Is there summit naw kosher aboot this?

Mibbe summit wisnae wan hunner percent kosher aboot it – ah kid be right there.

Did he naw mind me sayin wance that ahd dae ma thing an’ he’d dae his an’ it wis better if they stayed separate?

Aye, an’ that wis right enough, normally. But if ah did him this favour but an’ drove tae Pontarlier an’ brought this friend hame, there’d be summit in it fur me. Five
thoosan. Cash. In ma haun.

5k? That’s a loat. Such a loat, yir better naw askin too many questions. An’ it’s naw as if ahm askin any!

So ah went an’ got him, stupit fuckin cunt that ah am. A Frenchman or Arab or summit. Hippie type. Naw a real hippie but. Awkward, it wis, right fae the start. So ah met him in Pontarlier.
Only spoke French, the guy did. How wis Uli. An’ how wis wee Stofer. How wis Pesche.

Did he know wee Stofer? Did he know Pesche?

Only through Uli.

An’ as we talk, ah kin see he knows hawf the Fog. An artist, he wis, a painter. Then he spun me some kinda yarn. His wallet hid been nicked, his ID an’ cash, an’ as he totally
needed tae get tae the Fog, he’d phoned Uli. It wis really crucial he got tae the Fog. An’ it wis fantastic ahd come fur him. His story mibbe seemed totally logical tae him, tae me it
wisnae at aw. Ahv been hingin roon faur too lang wi folk that ur constantly tellin ye that kinda story tae believe them. It’s naw that ah dont want tae hear them any mair. Ah like tae hear
folk reinventin their lives. The wan thing that bothers me is when some cunt also wants me tae believe it aw.