Near & Far (35 page)

“No sign, and that’s okay because a part of me doesn’t want to go to prison. It’s not okay because I know landing a few punches on her would help with some of this crazy rage I have inside of me.”

Sid, bless the dude, did the guy thing and gazed out the passenger window like he couldn’t hear a word. I wasn’t sure if Alex had told him what I’d told her, but I’d only given her the surface story. I’d told her that Mar was Jesse’s birth mother, that she and his birth father had abused him, and that was why he had to be removed from their “care.” She hadn’t probed for details and that had been a relief because the details weren’t mine to share. The details were enough to give a person nightmares for life, like they had me for the past few weeks.

“You realize she’s probably sick. Really, really screwed up in the head. Right, Rowen? What she needs is a psych ward, not a smack down.” Alex whipped the El Camino into the parking lot of the club they were forcing me to visit.

“No, Alex, she might need a psych ward, but she also needs a serious smack down. She deserves it.” I glared out the window and tried not to picture her face. It didn’t work. Every time I spoke or thought about her, my blood heated to boiling. The woman who’d done unspeakable things to Jesse had been sitting across a table from me sharing my food . . . and I hadn’t known.

The universe had a perverse sense of humor.

“What about his birth dad? Whatever happened to him?”

“I don’t know. Mar mentioned once that her ‘good-for-nothing’ husband had bailed on her and died of alcohol poisoning a few years later. I don’t really know. And I don’t really want to know either.” Whatever had happened to Jesse’s dad, I hoped it had been as horrific as the things they’d done to him. I hoped if he did die of alcohol poisoning, it had been an excruciating, prolonged death.

I knew having so much bitterness inside of me was poison. The revenge and rage swelling in my stomach was just as toxic. But there were only two ways to deal with it. One: to forgive, try to forget, and let love and light lead the way. In other words, bullshit. An entire galaxy of love and light wasn’t up to the task of taking on what had been done to that young boy. An entire fucking galaxy.

And two: to let the unsavory emotions take over. Obviously, that was my choice.

There wasn’t a third. There wasn’t a way to move on and play ignorant. Some things I could do that with, but that wasn’t one of them. A person who could move on and play the ignorant card on that kind of abuse didn’t have a conscience. Or a soul.

Alex found a parking spot at the back of the parking lot and threw open her door. “I can’t believe that Jesse came from an abusive situation. He’s just so damn . . . happy-go-lucky all of the time. I never in a million years would have guessed it.”

“I know.” I slid out her side while Sid got out the passenger side. I glared at the club. I wasn’t in a club mood. I wasn’t in any kind of mood that could put up with loud music, strong alcohol, and dry-hump-dancing.

“He’s pretty much got to be the strongest person ever.”

I answered with a nod.

“Not to mention he’s good looking in a holy-shit-are-you-real kind of way, takes the best care of his girl, has
the
best smile I’ve ever seen, and has a strength of character that’s unparalleled.” Alex draped her arm over my shoulders. From the suffocatingly-tight vinyl top she had on, the motion made a strange sound. “You’re letting him get away because . . .?”

Jesse was a hard topic for me those days. Like it was hard to talk about a person I’d loved right after burying them. That was the same kind of feeling I had when it came to Jesse. Essentially, I had lost him. He wasn’t six feet under, but the five hundred miles of separation felt just as bad.

“I’m not letting him get away, Alex. He broke up with me.” I don’t know how many times I had to tell her that, but that was the last time. I couldn’t say those words again.

“Please. That boy adored you, Rowen. That boy would walk through a fire for you and, when he looked at you, I swore I finally understood what that whole unconditional love thing was all about.” Thanks to Alex’s six-inch spike heels on her red boots, our journey to the club entrance was slow going. Even though I didn’t feel like clubbing, I felt less like talking about Jesse. “And with all of that, you expect me to believe that he had a few bad days and decided to call it off with you? You expect me to believe that right now, that boy, wherever he is, isn’t feeling like a damn knife’s sticking out of his chest?”

“I don’t know. Jesse and I haven’t exactly talked in a while, so I don’t know what he’s up to or how he’s feeling. I can give you his number, and you can find out if you’re so interested.” Cue the bitterness making its way into my voice.

“You really haven’t tried calling him? Not even when you wake up in the middle of the night and your finger happens to accidentally bump his number?”

“No, I really haven’t. And you know what? He hasn’t tried calling me either.” I didn’t care that she had on stilts; I booked it toward the entrance. All the talk of Jesse made me need a drink. Even though I had a fake I.D., I didn’t drink every time I went out. Given my excessive history with alcohol, I figured that was a good policy. But that night, I needed a drink. Actually, I wanted to get rip-roaring drunk because at least then I wouldn’t be able to think about Jesse anymore.

Alex wanted to say something else. I could tell from the look she gave me, but that was when Sid suddenly decided to join in on the conversation.

“How’s the decision coming along with the internship? You know, if you choose not to take it and stay at Mojo over the summer, I’ll give you another raise,” he said.

I exhaled. That was a topic I could talk about with relative ease. “I still haven’t decided. They said they’d give me another week to make up my mind before offering it to the student behind me. And thanks for the raise offer. I’ll make sure to take it into consideration.” I shot Sid a little smile. He was a pretty good guy, and I could always use one of those in my corner. There were too few of them out there as it was.

Someone else I’d had little to no contact with over the past few weeks? Jax Jones. First, the little weasel pulled that stunt in my apartment, then later told me it was an honest mistake. Then after finding out through the grapevine about Jesse’s and my split, he’d called me, not even a week later, to ask me on a date. After the earful I gave him, he hadn’t so much as looked my way when we passed in the hallway. As much as I wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt, some people had reputations for a reason. Apparently Jax was one of those people.

Alex gave me a quick squeeze before we wove through the club’s entrance. “Let’s have a good time tonight, okay? You deserve one.”

I nodded. Not because I thought I was actually capable of having a good night so soon after the break up to end all break ups, but because Alex had gone out of her way to try to cheer me up. I could pretend it was helping as a way to show my gratitude.

The club was very Seattle cool. During spring break my senior year of school, I’d gone to a nightclub in L.A. with my boyfriend of the month. It’s a long story . . . Anyways, that club, the L.A. glamour scene, was the polar opposite to a Seattle club. Seattle was full of rich tech nerds who still lived with their moms, gray-suited business women who’d forgotten how to smile, and young hipsters who thought world peace was a possibility. There wasn’t a market for glam up there.

The club was understated, the music wasn’t too loud, the majority of people had some locally made craft beer clutched in their fist, and there wasn’t a single sequin to be found. As clubs went, it was a solid spot to get together and pass the night away with friends. There were worse places I could have been.

There were also better places, much better places, but I tried not to think about that anymore. I could have called any of the Walkers, Garth, or Josie to talk. I knew none of them would hang up on me. They were the closest thing to family I had. But they’d been Jesse’s family first. They were his before they were mine, and I didn’t want to put them in the awkward position of choosing sides. I would never force them to make that choice, but it was human nature to pick sides. It was hard to be neutral. So I hadn’t talked to anyone at Willow Springs in weeks. It wasn’t a tenth as painful as not talking to Jesse, but it hurt like hell just the same.

I followed Alex and Sid through the crowd as they made their way to a free table in the back.

“What do you ladies want? I’ll go start a tab.” Sid pulled out a chair for Alex and one for me.

“Surprise me,” Alex answered, tugging on one of Sid’s dreads.

“Rowen?”

I wanted a shot. Actually, I wanted a line of them. Hold that . . . How about just bring me a bottle? That’s what I wanted. It’s not what I needed, though. I plopped into my chair and sighed. “I’ll have an amber.”

Sid waved his acknowledgment, then disappeared into the crowd.

“So I know this probably isn’t a great time to bring this up”—Alex scooted closer to me—“but have you decided what you’re going to do when I move out? Are you going to find another roommate or move into something smaller?”

I groaned. Alex had told me a while back that she’d be moving out at the end of the school year. Sid had asked her to move in, and she’d agreed. When I’d told Jesse over spring break that I was pretty sure Alex was making one giant mistake, he’d laughed and said sometimes what we think are the giant mistakes in life turn out to be the best decisions. As usual, thoughts of Jesse delivered a sharp pain to my chest. I tried to bury those thoughts. At least temporarily. They never stayed permanently buried.

“Do you really have to move out? I mean, do you really think Sid’s going to be a better roommate than me? I bet he walks around naked and drinks milk out of the jug.”

Alex smiled wickedly. “A girl can dream.”

“What happens if you move in together and then break up a week later? Talk about hostile living conditions. You really should just stay with me and save yourself the worry.” I knew it was a futile argument, but I still had to make it.

Then Alex flashed her hand in front of my face. Her left hand. “If that man calls it off, he is not getting this back.”

An engagement ring. A sparkly, emerald cut engagement ring. I felt two things at that moment: excitement for my friend and sadness for myself. I shoved the second emotion aside; that moment wasn’t about me. It was about Alex, a girl I’d been certain would never let an engagement ring come within arm’s length of her left hand.

But then she found her soul mate and that all changed. I’d found mine, too. And I’d lost him.

I had to force a smile, but I didn’t have to force the genuine happiness I felt for her. “Holy crap, Alex. Congratulations.” I gave her a big hug before taking a closer look at her ring. Truly, it was lovely. Sid had to have sold a lot of doughnuts to pay for that baby. “Let me guess. The wedding dress is going to be black?”

Alex feigned a look of insult. “With a few splashes of scarlet thrown in.”

“I’m so happy for you. My little girl’s growing up so fast.” I gave her cheeks a pinch before she slapped my hand away.

“We’re pretty damn excited about it, too. Sid and I are kind of one giant mess on our own, but when we’re together . . . Well, it’s a beautiful thing. We’re functionally dysfunctional, but somehow, it works, Rowen. It
works
.” Alex was staring off into nothing and smiling. She was so happy. I’d give anything to feel that way again. Any. Thing.

I glanced toward the bar, hoping Sid was on his way back because I really needed a good chug of that beer. Then I saw another familiar face coming our way.

“Shit. That
is
Rowen Sterling. And now I can die a happy man because I got to see the face of the girl who rocked my fucking world one more time.”

I had to do a double take, but the giant panther tattoo running down his arm confirmed it. “Cillian? Cillian Sullivan? And now I can die a happy woman because I got to do this one more time to your face.” I lifted my middle finger at him.

He laughed first, but mine followed shortly after.

“Hey, girl. How’s it going?” Cillian gave me a hug, which took me by surprise. Back when we’d “dated” in high school, he hadn’t been one for showing physical affection. Or at least, not the fully clothed kind.

“I’m doing okay. How about you?” I asked after he settled into the fourth chair at the table.

“Can’t complain. I’m in town because my band’s playing a few opening gigs, then it’s another town, and another one after that.” From what I’d known of Cillian, that meant fresh cities of women who couldn’t have heard about the love ‘em and leave ‘em guy Cillian was.

“Living the dream, eh?”

He nodded, shooting me a wink.

“This is my friend and soon-to-be traitor roommate.” I smiled over at Alex, who looked like she wanted to flip me off. “This is Cillian. We went to school together and were . . .
friends
.” I’d told Alex enough about my past for her to know exactly what kind of friend Cillian had been.

Cillian tilted his chin at me as if to say,
our secret’s safe with me.
“I was the foreign exchange student with an Irish accent who drove the prim and proper American prep school girls wild. Plus, I had a lot of tattoos and smoked.”

“Hold up.” Alex held out her hands. “You play in a band, you have tattoos,
and
you smoke? That’s, like, a combination I’ve never heard of. You are a rare find, my exchange student bad-boy
friend
.”

Cillian nudged me. “I like this girl. She reminds me a bit of you when we first met.”

“What bit?”

Cillian’s dark eyes glimmered. “The crazy bit.”

“It takes one to know one.” I kind of wanted to wipe the smile off of his face, but it was a nice smile. I hadn’t appreciated it back in high school. What had turned me on then was a cigarette dangling from his lips, or that unimpressed expression he’d meticulously perfected. A smile meant a lot more to me now than it once had.

“I’d cheers to that if I had a drink.”