Near & Far (34 page)

“You were busy. I understand.” I shrugged and dropped my eyes.

“Stop it, Jesse. Do me a favor and cut the act out.” Rowen shoved my chest and broke free from my arms. “Why are you pretending like nothing’s happened? Why are you pretending like none of this is a big deal?”

“Why? Why am I pretending?” I wasn’t touching her, and all of the darkness I’d been holding back came flooding in.

“Yes, that’s what I asked.”

“I’m not pretending for me, Rowen. I’ve already lived through it all. I’m pretending for
you.
”

“Oh, in that case . . . why don’t you stop pretending and give it to me straight? I’ve been through some shit in my life too, Jesse. Stop protecting me from whatever it is you’ve been through and what you’re going through now and tell me already! I can handle it!” She hadn’t started out shouting, but about halfway through, that changed.

I tried to keep my voice controlled, but it quivered instead. “You think you can handle it? You
really
think you can handle it?”

She lifted her arms at her sides. “I’m ready.”

“You’re ready to hear that the first memory I have of the woman who should have been my mother is her hitting me across the face with a cheese grater? You’re ready to hear how my first memory of the man who should have been my father was him stopping his wife from drowning me in a five gallon bucket of water because he didn’t want the trouble of disposing of my body?”

To Rowen’s credit, she’d started out with her shoulders squared and her chin high, but with each word out of my mouth, she crumbled a bit more. There simply wasn’t a way to stay strong when discussing those kinds of horrors. Crumbling was the standard response. I was doing it myself.

“You really think you can handle it, Rowen? Because that’s just the tip of the iceberg. That’s the first paragraph of chapter one in the five years I spent at those people’s mercy.”

Lifting her shoulders again, she cleared her expression. “I can handle it.”

I cried out on the inside. Why wouldn’t she just cry mercy and walk away like we both knew she needed to? I wasn’t sure who it was harder on, me or her, but I knew one thing: that kind of openness would either sever our relationship permanently or forever bind us together.

I was, of course, hopeful for the latter, but I knew it was a false hope.

“You can handle knowing that, on the weeks I was actually fed, it was dog kibble tossed on the basement floor, most of it just out of reach from where I was chained to a water pipe? You can handle knowing that I went without a shower for years, and I was so covered in my own filth that the police officer who found me had to run upstairs so he didn’t vomit in front of me? You can handle knowing that the only words I knew until I came here were four letter words I’d never repeat because those were the only words I ever heard? Rowen . . . you can’t handle all of this. No one can.”

She wiped at her eyes. Oh my god, she was being so damn strong, but I knew she was hurting. I could
feel
the pain sweeping through her. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and comfort her until my words were erased from her mind. I wanted so much I could never have.

“Neil and Rose figured out a way to handle it. I can too.”

“That’s right. They did. And there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not overwhelmed with gratitude that those two walked into my life. But the difference is that they knew my background and what they were getting into before falling in love with me. You, though . . . you fell in love with me before you met my demons up close and personal.”

“So did you,” she snapped back. “You fell in love with me before you knew what you were up against, and it didn’t stop you. Don’t act like I’m one of those people who will run at the first sign of a jaded past, Jesse.”

“I know. But look at us now. You’ve moved on from your past, and I’m drowning in mine. And Rowen, mine’s the kind that will take us both down if we let it.”

“I’m stronger than you think I am.” She crossed her arms and stepped toward me.

“And I’m weaker than you think I am.” I stepped back. “All of this has proven that. Don’t be blind to what’s happening. Don’t pretend like you can or even want to handle the shit I’m going through.”

These words, more than any of the others, appeared to really piss her off. Her eyes narrowed. “I can’t fix you. But I’ll be here for you while you fix yourself. And I can handle it. I can handle
all
of it.”

What more could I say so she got it? I was toxic. I would infect her if she didn’t get out. “You can handle knowing that that woman was so convinced I was possessed by a demon that she used to beat me with a wooden cross until I passed out? You can handle knowing I used to pull three-inch slivers out of myself for days afterward? You can handle knowing that I had one special trinket I guarded so territorially that when one of them came within a few feet of it, I charged them, bit at them, behaved like a wild dog so I could keep my one special thing secret? You can handle knowing that I’d gone without food and water for so long, when I was rescued and taken to the hospital, the doctors could tell where and what ribs had been broken without having to take X-rays?”

Another tear slipped from her eyes. I wanted to stop so badly, but I had to keep going. It was the only way to get her to see me for who I was. “You can handle knowing that those people up and left one day, leaving me for dead, and the only reason I was saved was because someone walking by heard a loud sound and reported it? That sound was me, pounding my head against the water pipe, trying to kill myself. I was trying to kill myself at five years old, Rowen.” My voice was getting louder, my own tears coming to the surface. “That is the man in front of you.”

“Jesse—” she choked out.

“No.” I shook my head vehemently. “No one should be expected to put up with a person with the kind of past I have. No one should
have
to.” I knew what I had to say, but it didn’t want to come out. I had to take a few breaths and remind myself of all the reasons I needed to say it. “You have to save yourself, Rowen. I’m past the point of saving now.”

One month had changed everything, one month had upended my world. A year ago, I’d been a person who’d moved on from my horrendous past to claim a hopeful future. A year later, I was a person about to be swallowed up by my past with no foreseeable future. I’d been a fool to expect I could put it all behind me. I’d been an even bigger one to believe I had.

After another tear fell from her eyes, Rowen glared at me. “You know, I recognize a pushing away act from a hundred feet, Jesse. You should know that since you were the one who called me out on it.” She marched toward me. She didn’t stop until her chest bumped into mine. “Now it looks like I’m the one calling you out on the same thing. So I’ll repeat your words back to you . . . Don’t push me away, Jesse Walker. I’m not going anywhere.”

A woman like her was every man’s dream. A woman who couldn’t be shaken and would stand shoulder to shoulder in the face of a storm. I’d found that kind of woman and, beyond all belief, she loved me. And I had to let her go.

I had to let her go because I loved her.

That was what I reminded myself of when I cleared my face and met her eyes. “I’m not pushing you away, Rowen. I just want you to leave.”

There was the turning point. There was her resolve crumbling in front of me. She was about to fall apart. I didn’t think there was room for it, but I managed to hate myself a little bit more in that moment.

“You’re just saying that. You’re trying to hurt me and push me away because this is your twisted idea of protecting me.” Taking a deep breath, she looked up at me and her hardened expression fell. “I’m not leaving you until you can look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want me anymore.”

It someone asked me if I’d rather have my fingernails ripped out or look Rowen in the eye and tell her that, I would have slapped both hands down on a table and said, “Do your worst” without a second’s thought. I would rather relive a week of my childhood before the Walkers than have to do that. But I couldn’t falter. I couldn’t fail so close to the end. I couldn’t drag her through whatever I was going through. I had to save Rowen since she obviously wasn’t going to save herself. Locking my eyes with hers, I set my jaw and got after it. “I don’t want you anymore, Rowen Sterling. But I do want you to leave.”

Rowen breaking in front of me was exactly what I’d vowed to never let happen. Watching her break before walking away from me for the last time secured the number one spot as the most horrific sight I’d ever seen.

THOSE PEOPLE WHO claim it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Yeah, they’re full of shit.

The last few weeks, I’d felt like my heart was being sliced and diced every morning when I woke up and realized that Jesse was gone. There was nothing good left in the world. Life was more a chore than a celebration. The ache in my bones, the pit in my stomach, the memory of him that made me wish I didn’t have a brain . . . all of it made me doubt the whole loved-lost debate.

Alex and Sid decided to force a night on the town on me, making me certain I’d rather have never loved than lost. Every chump who eyed me like I was a notch to be carved on his bedpost. Every loser who thought a
Hey
and a lame smile was the height of romance. Every man who looked at me like I was something he wanted reminded me of him. The good looks and the bad looks. All of them reminded me of Jesse in some way.

It wasn’t just that night, though. Just about everything everyday found a way to remind me of Jesse. The one man who’d been brave enough to love me. The same one who’d looked me in the eye and said good-bye.

That night, the one I’d never forget a single word of, had ripped me to shreds. Not only because Jesse had broken us apart, but because of all he’d shared. I’d known he’d gone through hell before being adopted, but I never had it spelled out for me. Those things he shared with me had seemed unimaginable . . . unthinkable. How could the grinning, happy man I’d fallen in love with been exposed to those types of things and come out of it still able to smile, let alone love? He was a true testament to what the Walkers had done to help him, as well as what Jesse had done to help himself.

People who’d gone through those kinds of things didn’t turn into Jesse Walkers. Statistically speaking, people who’d gone through what Jesse had generally went on to spread the same kind of horrors. Jails were overpopulated with people like that. Mental institutions too. A small gravestone that was never visited, etched with the dates of someone who’d lived a short life, was another likely outcome for so many people who’d been abused.

So why had Jesse turned out so differently? Why had Jesse been the one to break free of his past? Or why
had
he?

Although I was nowhere as convinced as he was that he was doomed because his past had seeped into his present, the suddenness of it all was staggering. What had been the trigger for it? I didn’t have a clue. I didn’t need to have one. All I’d needed to do was help him through it. All I’d wanted to do was repay him the favor he’d paid me last summer. I wanted to pull the curtains back for him like he had for me so he could see the person he was in my eyes. Seeing the person I was in Jesse’s eyes had done more healing than a lifetime’s worth of therapy ever would have.

But that didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted to walk alongside him in his battle, and it didn’t matter how much I wanted to spend my life with him, scars and all. He was gone. He hadn’t pushed me away. He hadn’t shoved me either. He’d
forced
me away.

There was nothing I could do. He didn’t want me. Even at his worst, his rock bottom, Jesse Walker didn’t want me. That insecure, guarded girl I’d arrived at Willow Springs as was just begging to be released. I’d managed to keep the lid on her so far. I wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be able to keep it up.

“So still no sign of Mar, right?” Alex asked, nudging me. The three of us were crammed into her El Camino, and even though I gave it a lot of crap for looking like it needed to go spend its golden years in a junkyard, it had gotten me to Willow Springs and back. After hanging up with Rose, I’d managed to stop Alex right as she was leaving for school. After I’d explained the situation, she let me take her car and she took my bike. Having good friends was a good thing.