Necessary Evil of Nathan Miller (28 page)

I nodded silently. I understood. I
didn’t know how Nathan had managed to stay in the same room as me
when I had nightmares.

“
Will talking about
it help?” she asked timidly. “Can you tell me anything about your
ordeal?”

I stared at my best friend. It’d never
occurred to me to tell her about the horrors I’d seen – though I’d
easily have told her anything before it. But I couldn’t burden her
with the knowledge no one should have. Nor did she need to know I’d
killed people. Nathan knowing was bad enough. “No, Jo. They hurt me
and...you don’t want to know.”

“
Does Nathan know?”
she demanded, snatching up the room keycard as we headed downstairs
for breakfast.

In the mirrored lift, it was hard to
avoid her eyes. “Vague details of most of it, yes. There are some
things I just can’t tell anybody.”

I found her staring at me. “He really
didn’t do it, did he? I mean, if he had, he’d know everything
already...”

“
Jo,” I warned
her.

Her hands flew up in surrender. “Fine.
Forgive me for maligning your sleazy boyfriend. Jason’s going to be
heartbroken when he finds out you’re sleeping with Nathan instead
of him. You know he’s had a crush on you since high school.”

“
Nathan’s not so
sleazy. I haven’t...we haven’t...I can’t yet. One day, maybe...” I
tried to keep my head down to hide my blush as we entered the hotel
restaurant. Jo gave the waitress our room number and we followed
her to a table.

I walked around the breakfast buffet,
avoiding her, but I loaded my plate up quickly and had to return to
the table.

“
But you want to,”
she said, lifting her cup of coffee to her lips.

With my mouth full of strawberry
yoghurt, I nodded emphatically.

After breakfast, we asked the hotel and
managed to upgrade our room into an apartment, though we paid for
the privilege. As we headed to the first shop on Jo’s long list,
she interrogated me on style.

“
Are you trying to
match the look from the TV interview or are you going for the
complete opposite? Do you want people to recognise you? What did
you wear for the interview?” she demanded.

I explained the minimal makeup and
modest, mulberry-coloured dress I’d worn to the interview. “For the
interview, they made me into a delicate little doll, someone to be
rescued by a hero. If I’m trying to hide in plain sight, I need
something completely different.”

Jo laughed. “More realistic, you mean.
If you’re a doll, you’re made of Kevlar.”

I wished for my not-an-angel t-shirt
that I’d worn the day they took me, but that was long gone. It did
give me an idea, though. “Didn’t the newspaper articles describe me
as an angel?”

Jo snorted. “Yeah, the Absent Angel.
Like you were just going to waltz back into life. Some really
stupid journalist came up with that one.”

I glanced around and there was no one
within earshot. I still kept my voice low. “Did you know that all
of my kidnappers have conveniently turned up dead?”

Jo glanced at me. “That hasn’t made the
news.”

I gave a tight little smile. “No, nor
will it. That’s confidential – something ASIO and the police are
keeping quiet.”

Now she didn’t look at me at all. “How
do you know? Did you...?”

“
I’ve seen the
bodies,” I replied honestly, my tone flat.

“
Well, I’d say the
angel of death is really into you, too. Your Nathan had better
watch out.”

I laughed a little. “Consort to the
angel of death, or the angel of death herself. Black’s a good
colour for a musician – I say we go with it.”

“
Caitlin, the angel
of death? I’m not going to be able to keep a straight
face!”

I shook my head slowly. “No. I’ll have
a new name. I won't be able to use mine any more.” Hesitantly, I
told her the new name I'd need to get used to.

"That sounds familiar, though. Isn't
that…another girl who was in the news last year? The one who died?”
she asked, worried.

“
Spelled differently,
but yes,” I admitted. “Shouldn’t the angel of death have the name
of a dead girl?”

Jo lost it laughing. “A reincarnated
dead girl, consort to the angel of death. She’s going to have one
hell of an afterlife. "

"Starting with a live TV performance of
her band's song," I replied.

She laughed harder. "What if we hit it
big? I mean, we won't…but we could! An afterlife as a rock
star!"

I summoned a smile. "There are worse
things." I tried not to think about such things, though. Today was
not a time to be sad, when the future seemed so bright.

A new name and the prospect of a new
life – new clothes seemed like very little in comparison. I hadn’t
counted on Jo’s lust to replace my entire wardrobe, though.

The second night, after I’d closed the
door of my lonely room, I slipped the sheathed, cleaned knife from
my bag to beneath my pillow. I slept with the light on and wished
Nathan was beside me.

The interview cheque had cleared, so I
had more money than I was used to for clothes. I was glad we’d
arranged extra luggage for the trip home – I had double my luggage
allowance after three days of shopping. I hoped Jo would quit soon
– I wanted to see more of Melbourne. I’d heard that they had a
really good zoo, plus I wanted to practice for our Friday
performance.

Jason flew in on Thursday morning,
asking happily who he got to share a room with.

Jo sweetly told him he had the couch. I
heard her pull him aside and warn him not to make the slightest
come-on to me, for fear of his life.

The rest of the day we spent rehearsing
Necessary Evil, my new song. Jo had insisted, I’d been pleased and
Jason didn’t dare argue. I caught him humming the quirky chorus a
few times at dinner, which meant it was catchy enough to stick in
his head. I hoped it’d have the same effect on other people when
they saw our live TV appearance the following night. If not, we’d
be wasting our time and my money in the recording studio next
week.

That night, I locked my bedroom door
and made sure the knife stayed under my pillow, in easy reach.
Jason tried the door after Jo had gone to sleep, but the lock
held.

Every night, I missed Nathan, counting
the days ‘til I could go home.

If he did his training in Canberra
while I lived in Melbourne, surely I could still see him. It was
only a few hours’ drive. We’d make it work, if he wanted.

Please, Nathan...I want you to want
me.

Part 84

"Can I call you Jay? Tell me a bit
about your band. I've never heard of you before and this is my
first interview. I used to do the weather for the news before
Today Tonight
…" the girl positively gushed.

I touched up my dark lipstick, my
equally dark smile keeping the makeup artists at bay. I was still
getting used to the gothic style makeup, but it seemed to be
effective. They'd been advertising my interview with Nathan all
week, with shots of me smiling and looking scared. Some of the ads
talked up the mystery man from the newspaper, a big question mark
over Nathan's blurred photograph. If anyone was going to recognise
me, surely it was the network's own staff.

"Miss?"

I regarded the wardrobe supervisor
without speaking.

"Do you need any assistance with makeup
or wardrobe? They're waiting for you in Studio 3."

I nodded. "This will be fine." I
glanced at Jason, who was still flirting with the anchor girl.

"I can't wait to hear it," she said
with a giggle.

I wondered if there was an IQ test for
news anchors. Surely the girl couldn't be as stupid as she sounded.
No one could be…

With one final spritz of Jo's hair, her
makeup artist smiled. "All ready to go."

A black-clad man gave me feelings of
déjà vu as he gestured the way to the studio. I stalked forward,
regretting the combat boots Jo had talked me into. They were a
nightmare to walk in. I consoled myself with the thought that I
could kick a hole in any man's groin while wearing the
platform-soled, knee-high monstrosities.

Fuck YOU boots.

After so many hours of playing this
song to heal my hands, I could barely wait for Jo to set the beat
before I launched into the intro.

Jason sang better than he had in any of
our rehearsals – only one tiny mistake, which even I barely
noticed. Perhaps it was the little fangirl of a news anchor he kept
winking at throughout the performance. She squealed as she
applauded at the end.

I felt sick just watching her, but she
completely ignored me. She had eyes and ears only for Jay – and for
one more wink she'd probably give him the rest of her body,
too.

Jo and I had a coffee in the green room
afterwards, watching Jason's interview on the screens. The flirty
bastard looked like he was ready to jump the poor girl on the
interview couch, cameras rolling and all. He ended the interview
with a showy kiss to her hand, like something out of a romance
novel. She fanned herself with her other hand as if he gave her the
vapours. She was too young for it to be hot flushes.

"Looks like you have competition," Jo
said softly.

I looked at her in disbelief. "Jo, you
know I don't want your brother."

She looked pained. "I know you keep
saying that, but somehow I figured that one day you'd change your
mind. He's not a bad person and he's been obsessed with you since
he met you, back in primary school."

I shook my head. "Maybe that's the way
it would've been, but things are different now. I'll never be the
same and I'll never be happy with Jason." I looked at her sad
expression and winked. "Come on, if I loved both Nathan and Jason,
we'd have one of those fucked-up love triangle things that only
happen in books. This is real life, not a story for teenagers."

"We're adults, but we're still
teenagers," she pointed out.

I shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah,
but…"

"Come on, you two, after all that
playing I need a shower," Jason interrupted, a cheerful grin on his
face as he hefted his guitar case. The rest of our gear was packed
into the trolley he pushed in front of him.

"So, did you get her phone number?" I
asked nastily.

Jason looked smug. "Yep. Phone number,
a date for tonight and an offer to stay at her place when she heard
you were making me sleep on a couch." He seemed uncertain at my
shock. "I'll cancel if you promise to come instead." Jason's smile
crept back. "Yeah, pun intended."

I considered the offer. I really did.
He meant it. "No, Jason. You have a great night and we'll see you
tomorrow some time." I meant it, too.

I didn't see him tomorrow. Neither Jo
nor I saw him for three days – until we reached Tullamarine
Airport, just before our flight home to Perth. He looked like he
hadn't slept much, but he didn't look upset about it, either.

"The studio got thousands of messages
after our performance," he told us as we lined up to check in.

They recognised me. I'll never play
live again. Shit.

"Did people like our song that much?"
Jo asked brightly.

"Ah, mostly they liked me," Jason
admitted proudly. "The rest of them hated Paige. They said some
really horrible stuff about her. And most of them were
teenagers."

"Paige?"

"The girl I met at the TV studio. The
one who interviewed us," Jason explained. He turned red.

The next One Direction. Oh, fuck.

I started to laugh. "Way to go, Jason!
You're the cream of the jailbait fangirls, if they're sending death
threats to your girlfriend!"

He didn't look so happy after that.

If life were like a book, I'd have felt
jealous, surely. Instead, I simply shrugged. "As long as they buy
the CD, the fangirls are all yours, Jason. We'll put a photo of you
on the cover."

I'd had enough media exposure to last a
lifetime. Jason was welcome to it – fans included.

Part 85

We arrived early, so we both took a
seat in the back of the church to watch the wedding. All the family
seemed to be the groom's and there were no bridesmaids – just a
grumpy little flower girl, dressed up like a doll-sized version of
her mother. I envied the bride her beauty and her breasts, her
happiness and her loving husband.

"Those boobs are huge. I bet he can't
wait to get her out of her wedding dress," Jason whispered
loudly.

I glared at him, but didn't say
anything.

"Please rise to welcome Mr and Mrs
Fisher!" the priest called out and I rose along with the Fishers'
invited guests.

As the couple passed out of the church,
her eyes met mine. Hers held sympathy for my sadness, as if she
knew me and she shared similar pain. She inclined her head to me
and I responded in kind. Then she turned away, stepping into the
sunlight outside with her new husband. I remained in the darkness,
where I belonged.

I kept checking my watch as four
o'clock approached, wondering if I should have told Nathan to meet
me in the church instead of just giving him the address. A church
on a Saturday afternoon meant weddings like the one I'd just
witnessed – I didn't want to give him the wrong idea.

Marriage is not what I have in
mind.

"Do you think the boobs were real?"
Jason asked in a normal voice, now we were alone in the church.

"Weren't you going to go to
reconciliation?" I replied, irritated. I should never have told him
about my meeting with Nathan.

"What, and desert you before your
boyfriend turns up to break up with you? I'm here to keep you
company and be your moral support. A shoulder to cry on and all
that shit." His wicked smile didn't charm me any more. He just
wanted to see me say goodbye to Nathan, I was sure.