Nerd Girl (47 page)

“Hi, Julia,” he said softly. He nodded to Anna to acknowledge her presence.

Anna responded by giving him her death glare.

“How are you?” he asked, ignoring Anna and refocusing on me.

“Good,” I replied, overly cheerful. The pitch of my voice sounded too high.

There was a short awkward silence.

“I noticed you weren’t in the GAL anymore. Did you leave MS?” he asked almost accusingly.

I was surprised that Catherine hadn’t mentioned anything to him about my farewell email. I wondered if he had tried to email me at some point. If so, his email would’ve been returned undeliverable.

He had his Mad Men black framed glasses on, but he looked tired and I could see faint dark circles under his eyes. I could tell he hadn’t been sleeping well. I wondered if I looked the same. I hadn’t paid much attention in the mirror lately. He wore jeans and a long sleeve shirt the same blue as his eyes, which only intensified his already piercing gaze when he looked at me.

“Yeah, I did.” My voice cracked and I cleared my throat. “I decided it was best considering the circumstances.”

His eyes grew inquisitive, encouraging me to continue.

“I got a contract with IT.
” So you really shouldn’t worry about me.
Why did I feel the need to make him feel better?

“Which company?”

“My own,” I said proudly with a little smile. “Hayes Consulting.” This momentarily brought about flashbacks of our weekend in the San Juans and our almost naked cooking session when I had shared with my plans to start my own consulting company.

A warm and genuine smile spread across his face. He took my breath away. “That’s really great, Julia. Congratulations. I’m glad you decided to do that.” There was more awkward silence before he added, “You changed your hair.” His hand lifted slightly and then twitched, as if he were about to reach out and touch it, but then stopped himself. “You look beautiful, as always.”

Feeling self-conscious, I touched my short locks and tucked a loose strand behind my ear. “Thanks,” I said quietly.

He was doing that thing again where I could tell he was thinking about what to say, but unsure about what to verbalize. His expression went from uncertainty to resignation to overwhelming sadness. Looking at him was painful and my eyes started welling up. I had to look away and I found myself staring at Catherine in the distance.

“So, how is Catherine doing?” I asked as I watched at her waiting by the cash register.

“She starts chemo next week.”

“Oh.”
That’s why her hair still looked so beautiful
. I instantly felt guilty. I was a horrible person.

“But she’s got a strong and positive attitude about it all,” he said with reverence and subtle pride.

Catherine chose that moment to walk over. “Hi, Julia,” she said cautiously.

“How are you, Catherine?” It was more an inquiry about her health than anything else.

“I’ve been better,” she said almost lightheartedly and even chuckled to herself. “But I’m feeling pretty good, really.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear it.” And I was. No matter what pain and hurt lay between Ryan and me, it didn’t compare to what Catherine was going through. Whatever comfort she could find in her long journey towards better health, I really, truly wanted for her. I struggled daily not to be bitter about how her condition impacted my personal life, but it was never about wishing ill thoughts for Catherine and her health. It was just a shitty situation. Dealing with it was my problem now, not hers.

“Um, we better get going, Ryan. Everyone’s waiting for us,” Catherine reminded him gently.

“It’s my mom’s birthday today,” Ryan said. “We’re meeting at her house for brunch.”

That explained why they had stopped into the bakery. I knew he couldn’t know this, but the simple act of going to his mother’s house to celebrate her birthday actually caused a dull ache in my chest. It hurt to see him doing this seemingly normal thing with Catherine, whom I knew had a very close relationship with his mom. I would never get to build my own relationships with his family; Catherine would always hold that position. They had spent all morning together and probably woke up in bed together, too.

Lightly touching his arm, Catherine said, “I’ll wait for you outside.”

Before leaving, Catherine looked between Ryan and me for an extended moment. I thought I saw sadness and something in her eyes I couldn’t quite identify. It wasn’t malicious, unkind, or jealous. My eyes followed her as she exited the café and it hit me—it was regret that I saw in her gaze.

Ryan said my name, which brought me back to attention. I met his gaze, still perplexed by the expression I had seen on Catherine’s face.

“Julia, I want you to know that
… well
… I’m not
with
Catherine like you might be thinking.”

His comment took me by surprise. Are there different types of “with” I don’t know about? Does he mean with like the biblical “with”?

“Oh,” I said, realizing that my face must have revealed my thoughts. “Okay …”

“Anyways, I just needed to let you know that.” He brushed his fingers into his hair and I couldn’t help noticing how it caused some of his hair to stick up in an adorable messy way.

We continued gazing at each other, neither of us wanting to move or say the wrong thing. He pressed his lips tight together and nodded his head as if he had just given himself an internal pep talk. He bent down and lightly kissed my cheek, then whispered under his breath into my ear, “I love you.”

It was so softly spoken, I wasn’t sure I even heard it or if it was in my imagination. Before I could react, he had turned around and walked away.

“Is he gone?” I asked Anna breathlessly.

She nodded. I started shaking and then my tears finally welled over. I squeezed my eyes shut and began to cry. I was vaguely aware of Anna holding one of my hands. My shoulders shook and I broke down right there in the middle of the café, hoping to God he didn’t walk back in and see me.

I had tried so hard to be so strong these last six weeks. I had tried everything in my arsenal in hopes of not thinking about him or being reminded of the hole in my heart that he had left. One run in with him completely broke me down. I didn’t know how or if my heart would ever recover.

Monday night after work, I went for a run on my most convenient running trail, which coincidentally took me past Ryan’s house. For the record, this had been my running trail ever since I moved to Queen Anne, long before I even knew the illustrious Ryan McGraw. I ran west on Highland Drive, one of the most exclusive blocks in the city. Where the road ended and turned into Eighth Avenue, there was an overpass. If you looked down over it, you would see his house. I had been avoiding this route since we had broken up, but today I decided to take my old path out of pure spite. I was no longer going to let him have any influence on my life, even if it was just a goddamn running trail.

After seeing him Saturday morning, I had let myself mourn once more for him. I didn’t hold back and I let the emotions run through me. I cried it all out all day. Anna came back home with me and kept me company through the late evening. She did my nails and we ordered takeout and watched chick flicks through the rest of the day and evening. She got me ice cream from Molly Moon’s, but the salted caramel did little to assuage the emptiness in my chest.

On Sunday, I felt a new resolve. I had finally reached the anger stage of mourning Ryan McGraw. It was the, “I love you” crap he pulled that pissed me off. How dare he say that to me after everything he’d put me through? If he really loved me, he would’ve walked away and allowed me to continue the mending of my heart.

I was done. I told Anna to set up our double date with the hot ex-soccer player guy from Ethan’s office. I would focus on my new job with a renewed energy. Ryan was a bump in the road on my journey through life. Well, okay, maybe he was a major sinkhole, but, six weeks post Ryan, I finally felt like I was starting to come out of the darkness. I jumpstarted my career again and I was moving on without him. I made it through the worst part and I had no intention of ever going back to that dark, sad place again.

I knew I was a person that possessed what I called internal fortitude. I had always been good about doing whatever I told myself that I would do. When I set a goal for myself, I usually achieved it. I just needed to reach that pivotal point in both heart and mind that said it was time to do it and then I would move forward with whatever it was. I would put everything I had into it; I did nothing half-assed. Well, I had finally reached that pivotal point. If I hadn’t seen Ryan the other day, I’m not sure I would’ve reached it so quickly. In a way, running into him was really a good thing, because it gave me the kick I needed to get my head out of my ass.

The clouds were low this evening; I could feel the October chill in the air and the smell of rain that hadn’t started to fall yet. The leaves, in mixed colors of red, yellow, brown, and orange, were starting to collect along the gutters. As I found myself running past his home, I started running faster, spurred on by my anger. I didn’t look over the bridge. I just ran until I was well past the opportunity of looking back, literally and figuratively. As I ran the final stretch back home, the rain started to fall. Before going inside, I stretched and took in a deep, cleansing breath. I was ready to close the fissure in my heart, lock it up nice and tight, and throw away the key.

I heard the answering machine click off as I walked into my condo. Someone had just left a message. “You have one new message,” the automated voicemail prompt said. I pushed the button, bracing myself for a call from my mother, who loved to leave long lectures on the answering machine.

“Hi, Julia, it’s me, Ryan.”

I stopped mid hamstring stretch.

“Um, listen, I really need to talk to you. Call me back when you get a chance, okay? All right, bye.”

Well
…
fuck me.
I plunked down onto one of my dining room chairs and just sat there, numb, staring out the window. If there was a heaven, someone up there was having a real field day with me. Hearing his recorded voice was jarring and it left me dumbfounded. He sounded
… uncertain. He probably just wanted to try to be friends. I rolled my eyes. What an awful consolation prize that would be.

My stomach was churning. I exhaled a deep breath and took a moment to steel my resolve. Before my cool numbness wore off, I deleted his message and breathed a sigh of relief.
Done.
I was just going to behave like that hadn’t just happened, because I wasn’t going there again.

Two days later, he called again, this time he left a voicemail on my cell phone. I had been in morning meetings when he called and this time, I chose not to listen to the message at all. I deleted it as soon as I saw that it was from him. Why torture myself?

By Friday afternoon, I hadn’t heard back from him. I guess two attempts were enough for him. A part of me was disappointed; the other part felt pure relief. I’d be crazy if I didn’t admit that some part of me still got some satisfaction out of the fact that I was still on his mind, even if it was to just be friends.

I looked at the Seattle traffic report before heading home for the day. The internet map showed all red and black. Ugh. The rain really started coming down outside and I ended up sitting in traffic for over an hour. It royally sucked.

When I got home, I parked my building’s underground garage and thanked my lucky stars it existed so I didn’t have to walk through the monsoon. As I walked up the stairs and into the hallway, I saw Ryan sitting and waiting for me in front of my door. After a long, bleary-eyed commute, I thought I was seeing things. When I realized who it was, I was confused as to how he got in the building until I remembered that I had given him my building door code. He sat with his back against my door and with his arms resting on his bent knees. When he noticed me, he quickly stood up.

I didn’t greet him. I found myself in defensive mode. “What do you want?” I asked bluntly.

“Hi, Julia, can we go inside and talk?” he asked a little nervously. Ryan was rarely the nervous type, so I felt a little smug knowing I still had some power over him.