Nessa (Broken Sisters #1) (15 page)

By the look on his face I can see he's building up to something here and I don't like where all this is leading to. I get up and go pour a glass of wine. I still haven't said anything. I'm trying to process it all. This can't be right, surely I couldn't have gotten it so wrong. Why did she do this to me?

"Nessa are you ok? Do you want me to stop?"

I take a big gulp of my wine and turn to face him. "No I have a feeling the next part is the one I want to hear. I don't understand why when she talked to you on the phone she would cry after. Why if she wasn't in love with you? I don't understand any of this." I take a seat again and wait for him to answer.

"She cried for you and me. She knew she got to see you grow and enjoy you. She loved you very much and you're right this part is really hard part for me. I know you don't give a shit about me, I was a shitty Father not to fight for you. I left you without a fight because my best friend asked and a year before she died she rang me and told me I was a joke and that she hated me for never fighting for you. See, she tested me to see how much I loved you. The problem was I loved her and thought it was what she wanted but in truth she wanted me to fight for you and I failed. She rang me back a few months later and told me she had cancer and that she hadn't told you and it was also gone too far and she wouldn't make it more than a few months."

She had cancer? No she didn't, this can't be true. I feel my chest tighten up and the familiar feeling of panic overidding my body. I can't seem to catch a breath when someone start rubbing my back. I look up to see my dad has moved beside me. He looks as rattled as me.

"Nessa breathe. Please breathe, come on." I take a deep breath and try calm myself down.

"That can't be right, I'd have known. You have to be lying." My eyes are wet and I can feel the tears dripping down my face. This can't be real.

"Nessa, I think I should go. You have heard enough for one day. I'm so sorry."

He looks really sad. I don't understand any of it but I need him to finish so I look at him and say, "Please tell me the rest. I need to know."

He shakes his head but thankfully sits back down. "Are you sure? You don't look like someone who could take much more." I don't think I can but I need to hear the rest.

"I just need to hear it," I say truthfully. He sighs but goes on.

"A week before she died we met for coffee she told me that she was getting weaker. I offered to help but she said she didn't want us to meet because you were too angry and for that she was sorry." A tear slides down his face. "I love you Nessa. I know you don't care but I need you to know that not a day goes by that I haven't thought about you. My daughter will confirm that, because I couldn't get to know you, I didn't make time for her. I felt it was unfair and I broke her heart too without even realising it. The morning your mother-" He can't get it out so I finish for him, "The morning of the day she killed herself. The day she abandoned me, and let me find her like that."

I was crying again. He looks shocked at my words—he open and closes his mouth a few times.

"She rang me that morning and told me she couldn't tell you about the cancer. That it wasn't fair on you and she wouldn't put you through that. I didn't know what she meant at the time. I tried to reason with her but she just kept saying none of it was fair on any of you and that I need to meet you because she couldn't do it anymore. I told her I'd call later when she had calmed down and we could do it together. That even if you hated me I would stand by the two of you, but she killed herself and left your aunt as your guardian. I went to see your aunt and she threw me away from the door. After that I just didn't know how to approach you, I was scared. But then I got the call from the hospital and it frightened me so much Nessa, I couldn't have coped if anything had of happened to you. I'd have never forgive myself for not at least trying to explain myself to you."

I was full on sobbing now. My mother was trying to protect me and I have blamed her all these years and all the while my father wanted me. I can't make sense of it all and I need some time to think. Ten years of hate for two people can't be just forgotten about. I need to make sense of all this. I look to my father, I can't call him Dad I'm not even sure I want him in my life. Right now I just need space.

"Patrick thank you for telling me this but it's all a little hard to process. I need some space to think this all through." He stands up and reaches into his pocket and takes a letter out.

"I'm sorry I left it off for so long. I didn't know how you felt and I just chickened out. I'm so very sorry. I hope that sometime in the future you can forgive me. This is a letter I received in the post a few days after she died. There was one for me and one for you. I was asked to give it to you when you were ready to talk to me. I should have done it years ago."

I take the letter and leave it on the table and walk him to the door.

"I don't know how I feel about all this right now but give me some time."

He looks hopeful and I don't want to be a bitch so I just nod and say goodbye.

I don't think that I'm ready for all this I go back and sit at the table and stare at the letter. I'm so afraid of what it says. I just sit there and cry until Stacey comes in and the minute she sees me she runs over to me.

"What the hell happened?" I can't talk so I just cry on her shoulder for what feels like hours. When I'm done I'm so tired Stacey helps me to my room where I fall asleep.

I wake to my phone ringing. I look at the time, its eleven, I slept for three hours. I pick up my phone it's Taylor.

"Hello," I say sleepily, there's a lot of background noise.

"Hey beautiful. Look I can't see you this weekend, the family have a thing and I need to be there. I'll miss you though."

That hurts like a fucking knife through the heart. I'm his girlfriend, well I assumed I was. We have been seen each just over a month. He doesn't bring me out and I'm not good enough to meet his family. What am I just a bit on the side? I need him right now with my head spinning from today. Maybe I'm overreacting but I just need him.

"So I won't see you at all?" I say a little too sadly.

"I'll take you out for dinner when I am back to make it up to you. Are you okay?"

Oh we're allowed be seen with each other now. I'm obviously not ok. I wanna scream, you don't care, I can't be dealing with this.

"Whatever. Have fun." I hang up only for my phone to ring again.

"Go away Taylor. I'm not in the mood. Go have fun with your family, your little hooker will be here when you return."

I hang up again and put my phone on silent. I know I'm being a bitch but I just don't care right now. I get out of bed and head to the kitchen. The letter is still on the table but I can't read it yet. I'm not ready to see what she has to say. I'm still trying to process the fact that I hate my mother because she left me when she was protecting me in her own way. How does one get over that?

TEN

I stay in bed all Saturday and when I wake up on Sunday, Stacey is standing over me. "Time to get up Nessa. You smell and you haven't eaten anything. Let's go, don't make me kick your ass."

I laugh because she would. I know she wants to talk about all this. She has been really worried and hasn't left the apartment all weekend so I give in and go shower. When I'm done I head to the kitchen where she has two coffees poured.

"You ready to talk now babe? And that's more a you're talking end of. You can shout, scream, get it all out, but you're dealing with this now."

Wow don't hold back Stacey. I actually laugh. I suppose she's right, it is time.

"I know," I say and then tell her everything my father said. She looks like a fish the way her mouth is opening and closing.

"Jesus Nessa, are you going to open the letter?"

"I'm not ready, my whole life I have felt abandoned by those who love me. They all left Stacey, and he comes and tells me all of this."

When I look at her I'm surprised by the anger on her face. She shoots up form her chair. "You know what, that's bullshit. Yeah your mother left you but she did it for her own reasons—something I've told you for years. And yeah Brandon is a douche but for God's sake Nessa, have you never seen what was here all along? Your sisters. You know, the friends who love you and have never left you. The only family you have had for ten years. How about thinking how lucky you are and not wallowing on the ones who have left."

Oh my God. She's right every time I would fight with her over my mother I always said how I felt like I'm not enough yet for Stacey, Sam and Jess, I have always been enough and they never left. When I look at her she looks so hurt. How could I not have seen this all along?

"Stacey I'm so sorry. I just… I'm sorry." She sits down and breathes out slowly.

"You had it shitty finding your mother and not understanding the 'why' all these years but we love you and we're never leaving. Can't you understand that you're so loved and have been all these years." And that starts off the tears. It's going to be hard but I can maybe make it through. If I just lean on what's been here the whole time maybe I can be strong and stop trying to fight this inner battle within myself—one I've been losing for years.

We decided to have a movie day to take my mind off things. Halfway through our second movie someone starts to bang on the door. Stacey gets up to open the door and Taylor storms in.

"What the fuck Nessa? Why haven't you been answering my calls?" He is so angry the veins his neck are bulging out. I turned my phone on silent Friday night and haven't touched it since. It's probably well dead now.

"My phone is dead," I say casually. Out of the corner of my eye I see Stacey sneaking off to her room. Way to have my back, sister.

"So you get annoyed at me over the phone, hang up, and just ignore me? I have been going out of my mind worrying about you."

"It took you two days to get here—obviously you haven't been going out of your mind." The bitch is coming out but seriously I'm not in the mood to deal with him.

"What the hell is wrong with you? I told you I had something to do. I couldn't just leave because you had a tantrum."

Wow isn't he sweet? "Go fuck yourself, Taylor!" I shout then turn back around and watch the film hoping he will leave but he doesn't. Instead he comes to sit beside me on the couch.

"I shouldn't have come in all guns blazing but I was worried. I know you're upset I didn't invite to meet my family. Everything at home is a little complicated at the moment, I didn't want to bring you into the middle of it"

Ugh, I feel a little bad now. I can understand complicated. Damn him. It still doesn't explain why we can't be seen out together but I'm not ready for that battle. I'll tackle that when my head is a little clearer.

"Fine," I say not really knowing what else to say to him. I have enough shit in my head without dealing with him. I was just taking my anger out on him the other night.

We have only been together a little while, he doesn't have to introduce me yet, it's way to early.

"So you forgive me?" he says poking my hip. Damn this man is just too cute. How could I not?

"I suppose you could be forgiven." He doesn't say anything but picks me up and puts me on his lap. We sit there cuddling like that till the film we're watching ends.

"I really did miss you," he whispers I can tell he did. I feel how much he did under me.

"So show me," I whisper back. He carries me to my room where he shows me all night how much he missed me. It feels good to be with him, I feel so safe.

ELEVEN

A week has passed since my dad's visit and I still haven't made sense of it all. I do feel a little bad for him, he seemed to really care for my mam. I don't know if we can have a relationship but I feel I should at least try.

I also still haven't opened the letter yet. I'm just so afraid of what it's going to say and when I look at it I just sob like a baby. When I'm strong enough I will do it.

Stacey said I need a few weeks off work I told her it is better for me to work but she put her foot down. She was trying to give me a month but I bargained her down to just one week. Being off work leaves me bored out of my head. Seriously what the hell am I supposed to do with my days if I can't work?

My phone rings. Oh maybe someone wants to entertain me.

"Hello." But no one is there. I hang up and put my phone back down and it rings again. Once again no one talks. This happens two more times. I'm a little freaked so I call Taylor.