(Never) Again (23 page)

“It was just time for him to go home.”

I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until I smelled the aromas of chicken and broccoli and fried rice. As soon as we got to Josh’s new room and Dad opened the bag, my stomach growled in response.

He handed out containers to everyone, and we all gathered around Josh’s bed and listened to the story of what he went through that day in the hallway of the science building.

I had been avoiding the topic. I didn’t want to know what he went through or what he felt. The thought of it alone terrified me—I didn’t need the actual details. But with my parents on either side, I felt like I was finally ready to hear it, and Josh was ready to tell it.

The last time I saw Josh cry was when he was eight and he fell off his bike. That day in the hospital room I saw him cry again for the first time in over a decade.

He talked about the girl who died beside him as he tried to keep her conscious with words of hope. He cried when he spoke of her last breath, and how she would never see her mom again. I wondered if the lady who collapsed in the hospital was her mother. It made my tumultuous last twenty-four hours seem petty.

Tears stained his cheeks. Mom took his hand in hers as Dad and I listened to every word. I learned that day crying doesn’t show weakness. There is no weakness in emotion. There’s love and hurt and regret, but not weakness.

“Anyway.” Josh wiped at his eyes. “I’m ready to put this behind me and move forward. I think I might come home for a little bit. I don’t think I could go back to that campus.”

“And you don’t have to,” Mom said. “Your bedroom is always waiting for you.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“I think this calls for fortune cookies,” Dad said and tossed one to each of us.

I popped the plastic open and took out the yellow cookie and cracked it in two.

I listened as everyone read their fortune, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of mine.

“Liz, what does yours say?” my mom asked.

I looked up, meeting her eyes, then looked back down at the small strip of paper in my hand and read.

“May the dreams of your past be the reality of your future.”

Josh was shot Monday afternoon. He went home Thursday night with an appointment for a follow-up and a scheduled time with a physical therapist. They pushed him out in a wheelchair and handed him crutches. And just like that, life started to go back to normal.

Mom fussed over Josh on every step from the hospital to the car and then from the car to the couch, which would be his bed for the next couple of weeks until he was capable of getting up the stairs.

I stayed at my parents’ the first night, not wanting to let Josh out of my sight just yet. Then it would be back to my life. I’d already missed so much school.

When I woke up tomorrow I would have to go to class and face Zach. I couldn’t sleep.

I wandered into the kitchen and looked into the cabinet farthest from the fridge. All of my baking supplies were still there. Mom never threw them out. Maybe she had hope that one day I would get over whatever held me back. Or maybe she just forgot they were there.

Not only did I bake when I was upset—I also baked when I was confused, when I was happy, when I just wanted a chocolate chip cookie. And as my hand ran across the packages of flour and brown sugar, I got the urge to bake again.

I reached for the mixing bowl Mom had gotten me for my fourteenth birthday and started adding the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies. A smile began to form as I cracked the first egg, and it only continued to grow with each ingredient I added to the mix.

By the time the second batch went in the oven, the kitchen was filled with my favorite scent and Josh appeared in the doorway.

“Do you know what time it is?” He rubbed his eyes while leaning on his crutches.

“Couldn’t sleep. What about you? Why are you up?” I asked as I scooped dough out of a bowl and placed it on a cookie sheet.

“It’s kind of hard to sleep through that smell,” he said, moving into the kitchen.

“Then grab a stool. I’ll get you a plate.” I put the last dough ball on the sheet and walked over to the cabinet.

“And some milk?” Josh said.

I looked over at him, eyebrow cocked. “Now you’re pushing it.”

“What? I was shot,” he said, pointing to his leg.

“How long are you going to use that?”

“As long as I can,” he said with a smile.

I was relieved to see him smile. After seeing him cry, I wasn’t sure if what happened to him would change him forever, especially since I heard stories on the news about soldiers who came home from war suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Josh might not have gone overseas, but it didn’t mean that day in the hallway wasn’t a war zone.

“So did you talk to Zach?” My brother was never one to beat around the bush.

“No,” I said and turned to get him a glass of milk.

“Why not?”

“Honestly.” I placed the glass on the counter. “I don’t know what to say. I’m so confused. And like Zach said, I have a boyfriend.”

“Who’s an ass,” Josh kindly pointed out.

“One person’s opinion,” I said, taking out the second batch of cookies and placing the third in the oven.

“The most important opinion,” he said.

“What am I supposed to do, Josh? Break up with Joe? Go back to Zach? I can’t do that.”

“Because you’re scared.”

“Yeah. I am.” I sat down on the stool across from Josh, a plate of cookies between us, just like old times.

Josh took a bite of a cookie, clearly thinking about what to say as he chewed.

“Remember when you found out Zach and I still talked?” he finally asked.

“Yeah,” I said eyes narrowing in on him.

“Remember when you asked if he asked about you?”

I had no idea what he was getting at but I sensed there was a point to the conversation. Josh didn’t talk to just talk.

“Yeah.” My eyebrow rose.

“I lied when I said he didn’t.”

I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. My brother had lied to me when I was at my lowest point.

“Why would you do that?” I asked, my voice rising.

“I didn’t want to get involved any more than I already was.” He took another cookie and instead of taking a bite, he shoved the whole thing in his mouth.

“Than you were? What does that mean Josh?” I felt the anger burning inside of me. For so long I had wanted answers, and Josh was hinting that he’d had them all along.

“Look, Liz, you’re my sister, and I love you.”

“And?”

“Zach used to email me and ask how you were holding up. He said you would tell him you were fine, but he didn’t think you were. So he’d ask me.”

“And what did you tell him, Josh?” I braced my hands on the counter to emphasize my anger, but to also keep from falling. All the blood drained from my head and I suddenly felt weak.

“I told him that you told me, Mom, and Dad the same thing, but regardless of what you said to us, it was obvious you were sad.”

My eyes twitched with frustration.

“You were. You can stare daggers at me all you want but it doesn’t change the truth. When Zach left you, you were miserable. You moped around. You spent your nights sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. You cancelled plans with Sadie, so you wouldn’t miss his call.”

“So?”

“Liz, come on. Let’s be real here. You were wasting your life. It’s not like I told Zach to break up with you. I just let him know what I noticed. He said he loved you and the last thing he wanted was to break up with you.”

“For months you watched me cry my eyes out, and you didn’t think it was important to share this information? You could have saved me from the torture I put myself through,” I said, tears stinging at my eyes again.

“I didn’t say anything because you needed to get over him on your own. If I had told you this back then, what would you have done?” He stared at me, waiting for an answer. I didn’t give him one. “You would have called Zach and told him I was lying and it wasn’t true, and you would have roped the both of you back into a relationship that at that point in time was pointless. You were kids. You had no way of seeing each other. It was the best thing.”

“I’m glad you thought so,” I snapped.

“Liz, if Zach had never moved back, would this even be an issue?”

Would it? It was a reasonable question. It was the answer I didn’t like. Because no, it wouldn’t have been an issue. I had been over Zach, and if I hadn’t seen him again those old feelings may never have surfaced. As much as I wanted to hate Josh for lying to me, I couldn’t. Whether I wanted to believe it or not, he had done the right thing. He’d been protecting me.

“It wouldn’t be,” Josh said. “But Liz, he is back. And it’s up to you if you want to give him a second chance.” Josh took another cookie from the plate. “I’m gonna go to bed. Thanks for the cookies. I’ve missed them.”

“And I’ve missed our talks,” I said with a smile, so he knew I wasn’t going to hold this new revelation against him. “’Night.”

Five batches later, I could barely keep my eyes open. I went to sleep thinking about everything Josh told me and everything that happened over the past year, especially the past two months. By the time I woke up, I still had no clue what I wanted.

I moved in slow motion as I got ready. I hadn’t talked to Joe since Monday at school and with everything I felt about Zach, I didn’t know how to proceed. Zach was another problem. What would I say to him? How would I act?

I had no idea.

I called Joe again but he was nowhere to be found. It was bad enough he never called me back, especially knowing my brother could have been in danger, but not making any attempt at all to find me? That was inexcusable.

I walked down the hallway of the English building to class, hoping Zach would be there, but not knowing what I would say if he was.

Too busy scanning the faces around me for Zach, I didn’t notice the one right in front of me until I almost took her down.

“Whoa.” Tanya said, holding her hands up.

“I’m sorry, Tanya. I wasn’t paying attention.” Seeing her was like a smack to the face. I was jealous of her. She was beautiful and confident. She wasn’t scared to hold back her feelings. She liked Zach and she let him know it.

I forced a smile and went to walk past her when she stopped me with a hand on my arm. “He loves you.”

I froze at her words. She must have noticed my confusion.

“Zach.”

My mouth opened, but no words came out. Where was this coming from?

“I always kind of knew it, but I really liked him, and I thought if I could just get his attention off of you for a second, he would notice me.”

I forced my wide eyes back to normal and took a calming breath. “Did he say something?”

“He didn’t have to. You didn’t see his face when he punched Joe. I did. And when you chose Joe over him you might as well have reached your hands into his chest and pulled out his heart.”

I didn’t choose Joe over him. He punched him in the face. It was irrational and totally uncalled for. I was taking care of the injured. I wasn’t aware there were lines drawn by my actions.

“It’s easy to lie and hide behind words, but you can’t hide a gut reaction, and right then I knew I couldn’t compete with you. And I didn’t want to. I want a guy who will look at me the way Zach looks at you. It can’t be something forced or learned. It has to be as natural as a heartbeat.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again, because I didn’t mean for Zach to be hung up on me. I didn’t want to admit the nagging feeling of happiness that he hadn’t noticed her lingering in the back of my mind.

“Don’t be. I know my Zach is out there. I just have to find him. Besides, I refuse to be sloppy seconds. I’m better than that. And so are you, Liz,” she said, looking up at me.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, completely confused by her statement.

“Let’s just say, Joe isn’t who you think he is.”

“Excuse me?”

I knew he wasn’t perfect. But who was?

“Look. Liz, I like you. I always have, regardless of Zach, and I don’t want to see you get hurt, but if you stay with Joe . . . you will.”

I looked at her, unaware of what she was trying to tell me. It wasn’t making sense. There were gaps in all of her statements, and I didn’t have the pieces to put the puzzle together.

“If you want more answers, go to Charlie. I’m sure she can tell you what I can’t.”

Then she walked away. Just like that. Just walked away. How do you drop a bomb like that and walk away? And what could Charlie possibly tell me about my boyfriend that I didn’t already know?

Charlie was part of the band though. She was at all the gigs. She would be the one witnessing the girls throwing themselves at Joe. Maybe he had groupies. Oh God. Was he cheating on me with a groupie?

My stomach clenched as if the wind had been knocked out of me. Hadn’t I gone through enough already? Did I really need to have this thrown at me too?

I shook the thoughts from my mind and went to class. Zach never showed. The professor talked, but I didn’t hear a word he said.

The rest of the morning I went through the motions like a puppet in a show.

All my classes bled together. My mind kept drifting to the clusterfuck that was my life.

By the time classes were over for the day, I couldn’t go home. I needed to find Charlie and figure out what the hell Tanya was talking about.

I headed for the tattoo parlor where she worked.

“Hey Charlie,” I said as I approached the desk. The place was empty. Guess four p.m. on a Monday wasn’t prime time to get a tattoo. Though, as I got closer to the counter, I heard the buzz of a work in progress.

“Oh. Hi. Hey, Liz. What’s going on?” She tugged at her ear, then fidgeted with her hands before putting them in the pocket of her hoodie. Her eyes looked everywhere but at me.