(Never) Again (22 page)

“It’s all yours,” I said, walking past Zach, ignoring the fact he was trying to stop me.

“Can we talk?” he called after me, but I was already out the door.

I didn’t know where I was going. It’s not like I knew the area. At night it had been sketchy-looking, but in the daylight it was just like any other hotel on a main strip of highway. I walked around to the main lobby and found a vending machine. The least I could do was bring back something to eat. If anything, it would show I wasn’t mad, and I was being mature about the whole thing.

I reached in my pocket and pulled out four singles as I scanned the contents behind the glass. After mulling over my options, I settled on two coffee cakes, a granola bar and a bottle of water we’d have to share.

Back in the room Zach was in the shower. I flipped on the TV and sat against the headboard. When he finally opened the door, I didn’t look at him, though from the corner of my eye I could see he wasn’t wearing a shirt. It made me think of the previous night, when I laid pressed against his chest.

“I got you a coffee cake and granola bar.” I threw the granola bar at him, still not letting my eyes settle on his.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Liz, I think we need—”

“Visiting hours are in a few minutes. We really should get going. I’ll go turn in the key and pay. I’ll meet you at the Jeep.” I walked out before he could say another word. The last thing I wanted to hear was a long explanation of why he didn’t want to be with me. I didn’t want his pity.

To my surprise, Zach had already paid for the room at check in. I turned in the key and stood against the Jeep, wondering if Josh would be drugged up again today, and if Mom would fall apart when she saw him.

At least my parents’ arrival would be a nice distraction. It would overshadow anything I felt for Zach, and maybe even help him forget about my momentary lapse in judgment. It was a mistake, and I just needed him to realize that.

So I avoided conversation. When he finally got in the Jeep I declared every song on the radio my favorite and continued to increase the volume with each one. When we got to the hospital, I walked ten steps ahead.

The elevator was the hardest. He kept trying to talk, and with no radio to turn up and no way of putting distance between us, I had to be creative. I started babbling.

“Did you know those mirrors are cameras?” I pointed to the mirror above us. “I wonder what they catch people doing in here. I can only imagine. I’m sure they pick their noses, their wedgies and God only knows what else.”

“People making out,” Zach said and I felt the conversation shifting back to the scene in the hotel.

I needed to think fast. Babbling was no longer cutting it. We still had two floors to go. A lot could happen in two floors.

I bent down to tie my shoe so he wouldn’t look me in the eye or move closer. When I stood up, I should have known he would be right there, invading my personal space. He rested his hand under my chin, but I refused to look him in the eye. The last time I did, it was a total disaster.

“Lizzie.”

The elevator stopped, the doors opened, and for once life wasn’t working against me. A group of people stood waiting to get on. I jumped away from Zach and basically ran out of the elevator.

The people created a barrier and gave me enough time to put a few feet of distance between us. Once we got to Josh’s room, Zach couldn’t talk to me. He wouldn’t dare say anything in front of Josh. I hoped.

Josh’s curtain came into view and I picked up the pace. Zach’s hand closed around mine, but before he could pull me towards him I stepped around the curtain.

“Josh,” I said loud enough so Zach would hear me and know it was too late. My hand dropped to my side as Zach let it go.

“Hey guys,” Josh said, and I was grateful he was coherent. “What are you still doing here?”

“What do you mean what are we still doing here?” I asked annoyed he would even ask such a stupid question.

“I thought you would have gone home by now,” Josh said.

“Like you would if the situation was reversed?” Zach said the same words I was thinking.

Josh nodded. “Good point.”

“So, how they treating you here? Still harassing the nurses?” Zach asked.

“You know it.”

“Mom and Dad will be here this afternoon. They got a flight out,” I said, bypassing the playful banter and getting right down to the important stuff.

“I know. They called me.”

“How’d they call you?” I asked.

“They called the hospital and asked to talk to me. I have a phone right there.” He pointed behind him to the phone sitting on a table. “Mom was crying, of course.”

“Of course,” I said with a smile. Mom had always been emotional. Maybe that’s where I got it from.

I sat on the edge of Josh’s bed, across the room from the chair Zach was sitting in. I avoided eye contact.

“I’m going to get a drink. You guys want anything?” Zach asked.

“Nope, I’m good,” I turned my head quickly away from him after I answered.

“They’ll be bringing me some shitty lunch soon,” Josh said. “Don’t want to ruin my appetite.”

“I’ll be right back then.” I watched Zach disappear behind the curtain, then turned back to Josh.

“So how are you feeling?”

“Why don’t you stop trying to hide behind inane conversation and tell me what the hell is going on between you two,” Josh said.

He’d taken me by surprise. How did he know there was anything going on between Zach and me? “I’m not,” I said.

“Bullshit. Number one, your lip just twitched.”

Stupid lip.

“And number two, the tension between you two right now is so freaking heavy, I feel like I’m suffocating. So out with it, or I’m going to ask Zach in front of you.” My brother drove a hard bargain, but he knew how to get me to talk.

“You want the truth?” I asked.

“That’s a good start.”

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. The past twenty-four hours have been hell, but he’s been there every second, and I want to hate him for the past, but he makes it so damn hard and . . .” My voice cracked and my words faltered as the pain of rejection settled back in.

“It’s okay,” Josh said.

“Is it? Because I’m not sure it is. And should I even be thinking about anything that has to do with me and him when you’re here in a hospital bed?” Tears leaked out and I let them. I wanted to stay brave for Josh but I realized I didn’t have to. Even if he was the one who had been shot, he was still my stronger, older brother and I was still his weaker, younger sister.

“It’s okay. You know, I believe that everything happens for a reason.”

“So you think there’s a reason for you getting shot?” I asked, thinking it was absurd.

“I do, and maybe it has to do with me or maybe it has to do with you and Zach. Who knows? Only time will tell,” he said, and if he didn’t have so many wires hooked to him and if he wasn’t still slightly drugged, I could tell he would have shrugged.

“I really hope you didn’t get shot for me and Zach.”

“That would kind of suck, but I’d be happy to take one for the team if it means you two working out whatever has been between you since he moved away.”

Zach returned just as Josh finished speaking, and I felt the tension between us lessening. I stopped trying to avoid eye contact and conversation—it was pointless.

“So Zach, you didn’t try to make a move on my sister in that hotel room did you? Because even with a bullet hole in me I could still kick your ass.” I almost smacked Josh upside the head but I resisted. Josh liked to push buttons, and after all he’d been through, I’d let him, at least for now.

“Nope. Couldn’t if I wanted to. She has a boyfriend after all.” Zach looked directly at me as he spoke. As if he was trying to communicate with me telepathically.

“Josh, sweetie! We’re here!” Mom’s voice was shrill as she rushed into the room, taking my brother into her arms as if he was still her baby boy. “I’m never going on vacation ever again. I will never leave you again. Or you Liz,” she said as she engulfed me in her embrace.

“How you feeling, son?” Dad asked after Mom had recovered herself slightly.

“Like I was shot,” Josh responded.

When Mom’s arms released me, I was taken back into an embrace by Dad.

There was a lot of hugging and a lot of crying.

I turned to find a calming face in the chaos, but I couldn’t find Zach.

He was gone.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, then bolted for the exit.

I searched the waiting room, the vending machine area, and the cafeteria.

As I pushed forward through the revolving door, I thought of what Zach had said in response to Josh’s question: “Couldn’t if I wanted to. She has a boyfriend after all.”

He didn’t
not
want to kiss me. He didn’t want to kiss another guy’s girlfriend. It had nothing to do with me. How stupid could I be?

I needed to find him. We needed to talk.

The parking lot came into view and I made myself move faster. I remembered Zach parking on the left side of the building in section G. So I moved quickly until the large white G on the pole was above me. But when I got there the Jeep was gone.

Zach was gone.

Zach was gone. I thought about calling him, but I didn’t have my cell phone or his number. I could have asked Josh , but the truth was that as much as I wanted to talk to him, I had no idea what I would say.

He had been right again. I had a boyfriend. How could I forget? I wasn’t that type of girl. Okay, maybe I was a tiny bit, since I did kiss Zach in the parking lot the night of the party, but I was pretending that never happened.

Instead of calling Zach, I borrowed my dad’s cell and called Joe. I was sure he’d be worried about me. The shooting was all over the news. He had to have called me a million times to make sure Josh was okay.

But when I called him, it went straight to voicemail. I left a message and Dad’s cell number so he could call me back, and then I called Sadie.

“Oh my God, Liz! I’ve been trying to reach you! Why didn’t you answer your phone? You didn’t leave a note either. And there was a shooting at Josh’s school. Is that why you didn’t come home?” Sadie babbled on. I tried to stop her, but every time I went to say something she continued. “Is Josh okay? Did he get shot? Oh my God, he’s not dead right?”

“Sadie!” I finally yelled. “He’s fine. He got shot in the leg but he’s okay. He was lucky. Really lucky.”

“Holy shit, Liz. Where are you?” she asked.

“I’m at the hospital. I’ve been here since last night.”

“Why didn’t you call me? Wait for me to get home? I could have driven you. Are you crazy for driving by yourself?”

“I wasn’t by myself,” I said hesitantly.

“You weren’t? Did Professor Mulligan go with you?”

“No.”

“Then who?” she asked.

“Zach,” I said, taking my volume down several notches.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” I didn’t have to explain anything to Sadie. That’s why she was my best friend. She could read between the lines even if I didn’t give her lines to work with.

“Did anything happen?” she asked, and I went into the whole story, from the moment he showed up on my doorstep to the moment I discovered his missing Jeep.

“So what are you going to do?” she asked when I finished filling her in.

“What can I do? I’m with Joe now, and I’m happy. I can’t just let him go because my past came back.”

Sadie was silent, and I didn’t need to see her to know she had an opinion she was trying to keep to herself.

“What is it, Sades? And don’t tell me nothing, because I know you’ll be lying.”

“Look, Liz, I love you and I want to see you happy, but Joe’s not always as great as you think he is. I feel like you’re just scared to get your heart broken again, so you let him walk all over you.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? You know what—don’t answer that. Think about it. We’ll talk when you get home. Tell Josh I said hi and to feel better.”

“Okay, I will.”

We hung up and I stood in the waiting room, thinking about what she’d said, trying to find the truth in her words. Eventually I gave up and went back to Josh’s room.

“Great news, sweetie,” Mom said as I entered. “They’re moving Josh out of ICU and into a regular room within the hour.”

“That’s awesome,” I said.

“Josh wants Chinese, so I’m going to pick it up. You want to come?” Dad asked.

“Sure,” I would do anything to get away from the hospital for a little bit. “What’s wrong with the food they gave you?”

“They’re trying to kill me, that’s what,” Josh said, and I cringed at the word “kill.” “It’s disgusting.” He lifted his fork and let what I assumed was gravy drip down in globs to the plate below.

“On that note, let’s get going,” Dad said. I followed him out of the room.

He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close to him. “You did good.”

“What do you mean?”

“Handling everything. Your mother and I weren’t here, but you took care of things anyways. You’re all grown up. You had everything under control. We’re proud of you,” he said, and I felt guilty because it was a lie. I hadn’t really handled anything. I wasn’t grown up. I was still a little girl, who covered it up with college classes and an apartment.

“Thanks Dad, but honestly it was mainly Zach.” I couldn’t lie to Dad. I had to tell him—if not for the honesty, for the fatherly support I needed so badly in that moment. “If it wasn’t for him, I’d probably still be sitting on the couch at home staring at the TV with milk dripping down my face.” He laughed.

“I’m sure he got you off the couch, but after that it was all you. You didn’t have to come here and face reality, but you did. And you did that on your own. As for Zach . . . where did he go anyway? I wanted to thank him for everything.”