Never Another You (4 page)

Five years I have now served, and even if a bomb were to blow me to smithereens, it would never compare to the heartache of that day. She was the reason I signed up; the reason I became hell bent on fighting to achieve an untimely death. If I could take as many evil Nazi’s with me on my way to the abyss, it would be a worthy end. But still I wait. My destiny seems to have been to live through each narrow escape. I have thrown myself into every battle willingly, and nothing has ever phased me. The men in my battalion call my lucky, because I have no fear. And now, when each young private takes up position to climb that wall to enter hell, they will come to me, not the Chaplin, for probably the last words they will ever hear. Nell changed me.

It had been seven days since we made love in that farmhouse, and I’d not seen hide nor hair of her. I snuck up to that great house every evening, hoping that she would come out. But she never did. I even spoke to Benny; poured my heart out I did. He told me it would be best if I steered clear, but wouldn’t tell me why. So to take my mind off the frustration that dull Sunday afternoon, I decided to plough the barren field, where our potato crops perished in the previous year’s big freeze.

The rain fell from the sky in sheets and the mud become swampy, reaching near my knees. I pulled on the reins of our worn-out shire, Surge, with my blood boiling over in anger. Maybe I was being too rough on him. He didn’t deserve to be treated the way I treated him that day. He was old, and to be frank, as useless as my dad. When he refused to take another step, I dropped the reins and growled up to the sky, kicking a mound of mud at him. It was then I saw her in a horse drawn carriage, with that condescending slap-head Alistair, travelling by without even a sideways glance.

I ran straight into the house, leaving old Surge out in the field. My mum looked out of the window and turned to me with wrinkles on her wrinkles. She asked me if I was going to put old Surge back in the lean-to. I glanced at Dad, who was out for the count in his chair, and told her he could do it. I pulled off my heavy mud coated boots, and tossed them at his legs before going to change out of my dirty wet clothes.

It was meaningless me changing into dry clothes in such god awful weather, but I couldn’t very well turn up at the Haughton house caked in muck. I needed to know what the hell was going on. And that reluctance I had of going up there in the previous days, vanished as soon as I saw her with him. She told me she loved me. Hell, I told her the same. And seeing them together, in her father’s fancy horse drawn cart, lit my fuse.

Dripping wet, I jogged up the stairs between the two great white pillars, and thumped on that black door as hard as I could. No one answered, so I brushed the rain from my face, and pulled on the bell instead. I waited impatiently as raindrops ricocheted in the mounting puddles around me.

The worst person in the world answered, Alistair and his shiny oversized forehead. He lent against the doorframe, holding his ivory pipe, smirking at me.

“Where’s Nell?”

“She doesn’t want to see you boy.”

Even though the rain was near ice-cold, my temperature soared. I’ve never wanted to kill another man. But him, he wasn’t a man, he was a smug-ass who needed to be taught a good lesson. His skinny face needed to meet my fist.

“Then she can tell me that,” I stepped nearer.

He laughed; the wrong thing to do. “She asked me to tell you… we have an understanding Eleanor and I.”

I knew there was more to it, and I didn’t believe a word that came out of his poisonous mouth. If it were the case, that he was as close to her as I, he wouldn’t have called her Eleanor. It was always Nell.

“I’m not leaving until she comes out here.” I stood my ground.

“Then I shall have you removed.” Alistair moved out of the doorway. “You have no right to be on this property, and you have no right to be harassing the Brigadier’s Daughter.” Still, I stood my ground. I wasn’t going to budge until I saw her. “Are you listening?” He began to anger at me giving him the evil eye. “I’m going to teach you some manners boy.”

“Go ahead,” I gladly gestured him over.

He responded with a fist heading toward the left side of my face. But hell, I had never in my life, seen a punch thrown in slow-motion before. With ease I moved out of its path. I brought up my hands, ready for a bout. All those years fighting with my brothers had paid off. I was a handy lad. They taught me to block, jab, and weave.

Again he threw another girly fist at me, and again I dodged it. He hovered gasping, as wet as me, irritated by the sludge splatters on his brown leather shoes.

“You do know Miss Eleanor is my intended.” He threw something at me much more painful than a punch. Caustic words that burnt right through me.

It was at that point my whole being shrunk. My muscles scrunched, my gut ached, and my heart pounded with such a force I thought it might explode. He could see me weakening fast before him. Why would he have said that if there wasn’t some truth in it? I thought.

“I know about your stupid feelings for her, and I know that you laid with her in that farmhouse.”

I glared right at him. My most treasured thoughts of her, were diseased to the core by him. All I kept thinking, was why would she do this to us? Why didn’t she tell me? Why would she promise herself to him, a week after declaring her love to me?

“But it was a moment of madness on her part, that I am willing to forget,” he said. “She was upset, and you took advantage her.”

“It wasn’t like that!” I yelled through the drumming rain.

“You keep telling yourself that.”

He turned to walk back into the house, and the rage fired up my body. I wanted to hurt him the way I hurt. I wanted to see his blood run with the rain- all of his blood. I ran and jumped on his back, knocking him to the ground. He tried to claw and scarper away, but I was stronger. I rolled him over and began to strike my fists down on his face, blow after blow, until his blood flowed into the surface water. I snarled like a crazed rabid animal, and then felt Nell’s hands yanking on my biceps. She screamed for me to stop, but I couldn’t.

“Jack stop or I’ll… I’ll,” she wept.

I hovered my hand above his cut and swollen face, then fell onto my knees at the side of his body. I watched as she helped him up to his feet. She was genuinely worried about him, and seeing that care she had for him, destroyed me.

“Come inside Eleanor,” he spluttered.

“Alistair… please give me a minute,” she begged.

I exhaled the water from my lips with force, clenching my teeth down so tight my jaw throbbed. I couldn’t believe what I saw. He had his hand on her cheek, and she gazed up at him with love.

“I… I need to talk to him Alistair.”

It was that moment I had to get away from her. I never wanted to feel nothing but love for her. But that love had been taken over by darkness. I charged through the monsoon, down the path, and back toward the field. I had this mixed bag of emotions, and right there and then, I wanted my heart to stop beating so they would all go away. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I didn’t want such a pain.

“Jack,” she called after me, but I carried on marching. “Jack,” she grabbed my shoulder.

I spun to her in fury. She was crying. But her upset didn’t affect me, or make me want to comfort her. She deserved to shed those treacherous tears. She ran her hands over her drenched hair, waiting for me to say something. But all I could do was stare in confusion.

“I’m so sorry Jack.” Tears and more tears fell over her cheeks.

“For what Nell. Lying. Cheating.” I paced back and forth. “Telling that bastard about us!”

“Jack.”

“I don’t get it… what the hell happened Nell. Was it your dad, Alistair…why?” She hung her head, shivering in her sodden green dress, but I didn’t pity her one bit. “You can’t or won’t answer me?” I yelled as she looked up, still and quiet. “Well, congrats Nell, you’re going to marry Alistair,” I smirked. “Well, I did tell you I couldn’t give you a thing. Maybe you’ve just realised that Alistair can give the god damn world, and the pleasure of kissing his shiny slap-head every day!”

“I’ve not agreed to marry anyone Jack,” she uttered.

I stopped pacing and frowned at her. “You’re not his intended?”

“No… but Jack I…I can’t see you anymore.”

“Oh, I think I’m starting to figure that out,” I laughed. “It’s a class thing, always has been. Bit of rough and tumble for you eh? Well god dammit Nell, you didn’t need to tell me you love me to get me into bed,” I growled. “I’d have had you regardless,” I lied, to cause as much pain as possible.

“It’s nothing like that Jack,” she cried.

I marched up to her and grabbed her elbows. The heavens let out a tsunami of water on us as I gazed down at her.

“For once in your life Nell, be happy and think about yourself,” I yelled. “I loved you- still do- despite this… look me in the eyes and tell me now, that you want this to end. What do you want Nell?” I shook her.

She sobbed and dropped her chin to her chest, so I shook her again until she looked at me square in the eye.

“I can’t be with you Jack… I’m sorry.”

Immediately I released my hold and turned my back. She said it so clearly. I couldn’t try and convince her she wasn’t thinking straight, because she was. She didn’t flinch, or blink even. So I left my heart on that path with her that day, an empty shell of a man.     

It was her that made me want to stay because I forgot all about the stupid war. And then the urge to leave became too much. One week after she told me we could never be, I enlisted and left Elham for good. I was thrust into a completely different world. And the way I felt at the time, it was the right place for me. A dark place of anger, despair, and vengeance. I wrote her over a hundred letters that I never sent. Some were bitter, some were full of love, and some even begged her to return my heart back to me. But when I discovered that she had actually gone ahead and married Alistair, I burnt every single last one of them. I worked and fought hard because I had nothing else to exist for, and that is what got me to the place I am now. Constantly taking chances, throwing caution to the wind, and waiting for that fatal bullet to put me out of my misery, made me good leadership material.

It was the beginning of autumn when I left the village in a procession of glory, like my brothers did before me. Villagers waved and cheered as my dear Mum sobbed by the side-lines. I couldn’t help myself, a part of me wanted to find Nell in that crowd. But even if she were there, I wouldn’t have seen her because it was such a loud and lively occasion. A joyous farewell I didn’t care for. All I wanted, was to disappear.

All the new troops said their final goodbyes to their families and their girls, as tears on the station platform fell in abundance. I had no one to fuss over. So I carried my kit bag, removed my cap, and got onto the steam troop-train that would take us to basecamp in preparation to travel and fight overseas.

The station master blew his whistle and the seats inside filled up fast. I watched as hundreds of hankies and scarfs waved in the open-air on the platform. And that was the moment I spotted a kerfuffle, as someone fought through the crowd. It was Nell, and she was letting no one stand in her way.

I bolted up and pushed through the mass of boys in my path. With my heart beating wildly, I grappled to open the door. But I was too late, all the doors were closed and locked from the outside. I stuck my head right out of the door window to see Nell nearing; her eyes searching frantically.

“Nell, Nell!” I yelled until my throat hurt.

She found me and raced up to stand beneath the door. I stretched as hard as I could and hung out my arm so she could reach up for my hand. Her fingers only just brushed the tips of mine as she rose unsteady on her toes. I was desperate to touch her. Hold her. That slightest contact wasn’t enough.

She turned to the young station master and whispered something in his ear. I never knew what she said, but he did as he was told. He got down on one knee, and gave her a leg up so we were nose to nose. I pressed my hands with love on her face and kissed her lips, her eyes, and tasted her salty tears. She quickly untied her red hair scarf and handed it to me.

We kissed in a way I can only describe as heartbreakingly crazy, and breathed in each other’s breath for the last time. She sobbed as the station master lowered her down onto the platform, ripping us apart. He blew his whistle as our fingers clawed against the glass to get to one another. It was raw. So raw I can still feel it now.

The train began to move as I yelled at her. “I will always love you Nell.”

I gripped hold of that scarf like my life depended on it. Still to this day I inhale it every night, despite what has happened over the years. I don’t blame her now for not waiting. For all she knew, I wouldn’t return. But to marry him, god, she could have done so much better.

With the rumours now flying around thick and fast, that this war is finally turning in our favour. My men and I are on route to our biggest battle yet. Maybe, if I do come out on the other side, I can begin again, start a new life. I will never return home to Elham. I can’t. To see her would crush me. I need to let her go now. And I need to move on. I’ve come to realise that she was right. We were two completely different people, and we didn’t belong together. But I will never hold any regrets of what we had. It will always be a time of my life that was perfect. Goodbye sweet Nell.