Never Close Enough (24 page)

   Suddenly his heaving breaths were joined by hot tears in his eyes.  The stress of not knowing what was wrong with Ella was bottoming out
his soul.  He remembered how devastated he had felt when they hadn’t spoken for a day.  He’d gladly go back, never speak to her or hold her again, never kiss her lips or tuck her golden hair behind her ear, if only he could know she was going to be ok.  He fisted his hair, pulled on the roots, and hoped to alleviate the aching pain in his chest through distraction.  He took a few minutes to continue to calm himself.  He would be no use to anyone if he couldn’t keep his emotions in check.

   After he finally
felt like he could control himself, he walked back to the waiting room.  When he entered the room he saw Megan sitting next to a man who looked to be about her age.  He held her hand and she rested her head on his shoulder.  Next to her sat the two people he assumed were Ella’s parents.  Her dad sat silently with one arm crossed over his chest while his other hand cupped his jaw.  Her mom stood next to the window looking out at the Portland skyline, wiping tears from her eyes every few seconds.  She was exactly what Porter imagined Ella would look like in twenty five years.  Megan lifted her head to look at her mother and gestured towards Porter.

   “Mom, Dad, this is Porter.  He’s here to see Ella too.”  Porter took a few steps towards them with his hand
out.

   “Mr. Sinclair, Mrs. Sinclair.  I am glad to meet you, although these circumstances are a less than what I was hoping for.” 

   “I’m sure Ella will be thankful to have the support of her friends,” Mr. Sinclair said as he shook Porter’s hand.

   “Ni
ce to meet you,” Mrs. Sinclair all but whispered.

   He turned to Megan.  “Have you heard anything yet?”  Megan didn’t bother answering she just shook her head.

   “Megan, I thought you said Kyle called to tell you about Ella.  Where is he?  Has he been here yet?  How is he holding up?”  Ella’s mom looked at Megan with confusion.  Megan let out a loud breath and Porter knew she was bracing herself for the onslaught of questions she would have to answer once she revealed everything that had transpired in the last week.  She stood and walked over to where her mother was standing, placing a cautious hand on her shoulder.

   “Mom, I know this is going to be hard for you to understand, but I need you to listen to me carefully.  Last week, Ella caught Kyle cheatin
g on her.”  Porter watched as Mrs. Sinclair’s hand flew to her mouth and she started crying harder.  Megan told her the entire story, as Ella had relayed it to her throughout the week.  Her parent’s eyes both darted back and forth between him and Megan.

   As Porter listened to her explain their situation, it only made his memory torture him with flashbacks of the time they’d spent together over the last week.  He remembered how wet and irritated she looked the first time he saw her at the bar.  He rememb
ered the dress she wore on their first date.  He remembered when she’d kissed him for the first time.  He wanted more kisses with Ella and not knowing if she was ok was killing him.  Porter came out of his memories and was back in the waiting room.

   “Mom
, Ella really loves Porter.  She would want him here and she would want you to know how much she cares about him.”

   Just then a man in a white coat came into the waiting room.

   “I’m Dr. Andrews.  Are you all waiting for Ella Sinclair?”

   “Yes,” Ella’s
father stepped forward.  “Is she ok?”

   “Ella is in recovery.  She made it through the surgery.”  A collective sigh waved through the room and Ella’s mother let out a cry as the emotions of learning Ella was still alive took her over.  Porter stepped tow
ards the doctor.

   “What happened to her?  What are her injuries?”

   “She had a gunshot to the shoulder when she was brought to the hospital.  She also had a head injury.  It would seem that when the bullet hit her in the shoulder it caused her to fall and the back of her head came into contact with some hard surface.  Whether that was the floor or something else, I cannot be sure.  It really doesn’t matter.  While the gunshot is a serious injury, it luckily was a simple, clean, wound.  The bullet went in the front and out the back without damaging any major arteries or muscles.  She was lucky in that regard.”  Porter saw the doctor stop and take a breath, and he knew the worst news was yet to come.

   “Unfortunately, the head injury is what we are most wo
rried about.  It seems that she hit her head hard enough to cause a major concussion, which has cause a little bit of bleeding and a significant amount of swelling.”

   “What does that mean?”  Porter asked.

   “Well, it means that we had to cut into her skull to relieve some of the pressure the swelling was causing.  We were able to stop the bleeding, but we are still concerned about the swelling.  Until we see the swelling come down we are going to keep her in a medically induced coma.”

   “A coma?”  Ella’
s mother practically shrieked with her hand covering her mouth.  Her father pulled her into a hug and wrapped his arms around her, cradling her head and smoothing down her hair.

   “Will she be ok?”  Megan asked quietly.

   “It is too early to be sure about prognosis, but the next 24 to 48 hours will critical.  We are doing everything we can to bring the swelling down, but it really is out of our hands at this point.  Ella is in the ICU, and you may go see her, but only two people at a time.”

   “Thank you
doctor,” Ella’s father said.

   “You’re very welcome.  I will take good care of her.”  Dr. Andrews turned and walked out of the waiting room.

   Porter watched as Megan turned to Patrick and found her comfort in his embrace.  Ella’s parents were quietly crying into each other’s arms.  He was painfully aware of the fact that at that very moment the only person he wanted in his arms was somewhere in this hospital fighting for her life.  He had never felt more alone in his life, but he was determined to stay strong for Ella.

Chapter Twenty

Porter

   He could see her in his mind.  Sleeping.  Peaceful.  Angelic, even.  She was asleep on her stomach, her arms tucked under her pillow, her golden hair fanned out behind her.  Her mouth was slightly open and when sh
e breathed he could hear the gentle swoosh of the air moving in and out, reminding him of the sound of the ocean.  She wasn’t wearing any clothes; he had stripped her of those many hours ago in an attempt to rid them of any barriers between them.  He had needed to feel her skin on his.

   The blanket was covering her from the waist down.  His eyes roamed over the curve of her spine, trailing from her shoulders down to the swell of her hips.  Her skin was flawless, freckled, and perfect.  He ached to run his
hand down the ravine her spine created, but didn’t want to wake her.  He was mesmerized by the sight of her and wanted to stay in the moment as long as possible.

   Even though the bed was big, and she could very well be at the other side, she was snuggle
d up next to him, as close to him as possible.  That was what it was like to be around her.  She was missing from him even when she was with him, she was giving him everything even though he still longed for more, and she was as close to him as possible but it was never close enough.

  She stirred and turned her head so she was facing away from him.  The familiar scent of vanilla wafted to him as her hair fanned out next to his face.  He silently groaned, wrapped his arms around her middle pulling her into
his chest, and nuzzled into the crook of her neck.  She reached up to run her fingers through his hair and gently caressed him as he cherished her.  Her hand fell away and found his as she lazily twined her fingers around his as he held her close.

   “I lo
ve you,” he whispered into her neck.

   “I love you too,” she sighed.  “Let’s go back to sleep.”

   “Porter.”  Megan’s voice pulled him out of the memory of Ella asleep in his bed just that morning.

   “Yes?”

   “My parents are done visiting her for now.
Patrick and I are going to go get some coffee.  You can go in and see her if you’d like.”  Porter rubbed his hands over his face, trying to bring himself fully back into reality.

   A hospital volunteer had brought the five of them to the ICU waiting room
a few hours ago.  Ella’s parents had gone in to see her first and when they came out Porter saw the overwhelming sadness in her mother’s eyes.  She had turned to her husband and cried into his chest for quite a while.  Megan and Patrick had gone in to see her next, and Megan had a similar look to her when she emerged.  They had offered to let Porter go in, but he’d declined.  He wanted desperately to see her, but felt that he should allow her family as much time with her as possible before he had his turn.  So her parents went in to visit again before they would go home to get some sleep.  Leaving the hospital was not on Porter’s short list of things to do, so he would give them have as much time as they wanted without intruding.

   “Thanks.” He stood up an
d took a deep breath.  “Megan?”

   “Yeah?” She turned back around towards him.

   “What am I walking into in there?  How bad is it?”

   Megan took in a deep breath and then let it out in one big gust.  “Mostly, she just looks like she’s sleeping.  But she
has some pretty decent bruising on her face and there’s a bandage around her head.  Her arm’s in a sling.  It’s the machines that are the scariest.  The ventilator is the worst part.”  She walked over to him and rubbed her hand up and down his arm.  “She’s going to be ok, Porter.  She’s the strongest person I know and there’s no way she’d let a little bump on the head keep her down long.  But she needs you in there.”

   “I know.  I just wanted to be prepared.”  She gently squeezed his arm and then she and P
atrick left the waiting room.

   He walked towards her room, willing himself to take slow and even breaths, trying to keep calm and not lose his composure.  He got to her door and could already hear the faint beeping noises coming from within.  He placed h
is palm on the door and tried to gather the strength to push it open.  He closed his eyes and all he saw was Ella, laughing on the beach, hair bowing in the wind, smiling at him.  No matter how nervous he was to see her right now, he knew he had to be there for her, and seeing her smile in his mind was the last bit of strength he needed to walk through her door.  The door opened silently and Ella slowly came into view.

   Porter drew in a shaky and uneven breath, unprepared to deal with the emotions seeing
her lying helpless in a hospital bed would evoke in him.  He stepped into the room letting the door close behind him.  He was completely lost and didn’t know how he was supposed to handle any of this.

   The ventilator was definitely the worst part.  Every
few seconds he heard the muffled sound of air being pushed through the tube.  Her chest was rising and falling in time to the machine.  Each breath the machine took for her, took a little bit of his breath away.  He knew it was necessary for her to be in this state for her to heal, but she looked so fragile like this.  He had to look closely to see the strong willed woman who had told him off that first night he met her. 

   She looked much like Megan had described: arm in a sling, bruising on her face, a
nd bandage around her head.  A flash of anger came over him when the thought about the bruising which, from what the officer had described, probably was a product of Kyle rather than the robbery.  He took a tentative step towards her bed and tried to focus on the things about her that were unmarred.

   Her blonde hair laid beneath her, fanned out in its usual golden halo, peeking out from the bandages around her head.  Her hands were still small and delicate.  He looked at the hand that lay by her side and
he stepped up the side of the bed to hold it.  He sat next to her, gently took her hand in his, and brought it to his mouth laying a small kiss upon her knuckles. The instant his lips touched her skin, a dam inside of him broke, and there was nothing in the world that could tear her hand from him.  Tears streamed down his face as he held her hand to his mouth, to his cheek, to his forehead.  It was the only piece of her he could grasp on to, and he felt like he needed to keep it close to him.  He held back sobs, trying to keep himself as together as possible, but he was slowly losing ground.  Seeing her in the hospital bed, broken and unconscious, only brought terrible thoughts of loss to his mind.  Suddenly he was very afraid.

   “Ella, baby,” he said betwe
en shuttering breaths, holding her hand to his cheek.  “Please, I need you to be ok.”  He placed another kiss on her hand and gave in to all the emotions rushing at him.  He cried into her hand, sitting at her bedside, listening to a rhythm of beeps.  “You need to wake up soon, Ella.  I need to see your eyes and know that you are going to be all right.” 

   He cried like he’d never cried before.  Gasping sobs led to aching moans.  Whispered pleas led to silent prayers.  He cried until he felt like he had n
o more air in his lungs and no more energy to even stand upright.  Eventually, exhaustion took over and he fell asleep hunched over with his head lying on the edge of the bed, Ella’s hand clasped in his.

   He woke to the sound of the door closing.  When he looked up he saw Ella’s mother standing just inside the door.  She was wearing different clothes than before and she looked at him with a small smile on her lips.  Porter looked at the clock above Ella’s bed and noticed he’d been asleep for at least a few hours, and he felt it.  He was still tired and his body ached from the strange position he’d been sleeping in, but he felt less panicked.  Sleep had eased his nerves slightly.

   “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to bother you,” Ella’s mother whispered.  Porte
r placed a chaste kiss on Ella’s hand.

   “That’s ok.  I’ve taken up way more time than I should have anyway,” Porter went to stand up and she waved him back down.

   “Nonsense.  You stay as long as you want to.” 

   “Thank you, Mrs. Sinclair,” Porter sai
d as he sat back down and resumed holding Ella’s hand.

   “Please, call me Susan.”

   “Thank you, Susan.” 

   Susan came to Ella’s bedside and brushed her hand over Ella’s hair, then down her cheek.  She leaned over Ella and kissed her on the forehead, ey
es closed.  She took the chair on the other side of Ella’s bed and sat down looking right at Porter. 

   “Megan told me about how you and Ella met, but I wouldn’t mind hearing the story from you,” Susan said with a smile. 

   “Well,” he started, rubbing one hand over the days’ worth of growth on his face, “she showed up at my mom’s bar last Friday and needed some help getting to her rental house after her car battery had died.  My mom volunteered my services and I took her to her house and got her settled.”  Porter grinned at the memory of the two of them bickering in his truck; she had been feisty from the beginning.

   “And she had told you about Kyle at that point?”  Susan asked.

   “Yes and no.  She had told my mom a detailed version while she was having a drink, but then told me a more abbreviated version on the way to her house, more out of frustration than anything else.”  Susan shook her head to herself.

   “I cannot believe Kyle would do that to her.”

   “He doesn’t seem to be making very wise decisions lately,” Porter said through gritted teeth.

   “No, he doesn’t,” she said quietly.  “Megan says that Ella has fallen in love with you.  Is that true?”

   Porter looked down at his hand holding hers, unsure of where this line of questioning was going.  “I hope so,” he answered.  “I mean, I believe so.”  Susan tilted her head to the side and looked at Porter with critical eyes.

   “And how do you feel about her?”

   “I love her more than I ever thought it would be possible to love anyone,” he said without a second of hesitation.  A slow smile spread across Susan’s face.

   “Of course you do; she’s very easy to love.”

   “The easiest thing I’ve ever done was fall in love with Ella.  She wasn’t convinced as easily as I was though.  She was dealing with a lot of guilt over how quickly her feelings were growing.  I think it was hard for her to justify the idea of loving someone so quickly; for whatever reason she felt like she was doing something wrong.” 

   Susan nodded her head as if she understood wha
t he was talking about.  “Ella has always had an incredibly strong moral compass and I can see how she would fight her feelings for you not wanting other people to judge her.  It seems, however, that you did a pretty good job of convincing her to move past those feelings.”

   Porter laughed a little to himself.   “Actually, it was my mom that made the most effective argument to Ella.  I think she was on the fence, but then my mother took it upon herself to talk to Ella about everything and that night she ca
me back to me,” Porter said with a sad smile on his face.

   “She sounds like a woman I’d like to meet.”

   “Well, as soon as I tell my mom what happened I’m sure she’ll be here to worry over Ella in person.”  Susan smiled at that.

   The door opened and a
nurse walked in holding an I.V. bag of fluids.

   “Oh, look who’s awake this time,” she said looking right at Porter.  The nurse was a short and round woman in her late fifties with short, spikey, brown hair.  “All night, every time I came in to check her
vitals you were sound asleep holding her hand.  It was the cutest thing.”  The nurse spoke as she switched out I.V. bags.

   “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep here.  I hope I didn’t cause any problems.”

   “Oh no, Dear, but I did have to take her hand from you to get her blood pressure.”  The nurse moved around Ella, checking her vitals, adjusting her IV lines, taking her temperature.

   “Is everything ok with Ella?”  Porter asked.

   “She is doing just fine.  Her vitals have been stable all night and soon they will take her to do another CT scan to see if the swelling is coming down like it should be.”

   “And what about her gunshot wound?”  Susan asked.

   “Oh, that is doing just fine as well.  I know it sounds scary, being a gunshot wound and all, but she got really lucky and the bullet missed everything important.  It’s still going to be a little painful healing, but she really could have had a lot more damage.  As far as gunshots go, this is the best one she could have.  The CT scan is scheduled for a few hours from now.  I will be back in a little while to check her again.”  The nurse left the room and the door closed behind.  Porter turned to Susan, suddenly enraged thinking about someone pointing a gun and Ella.  He was equally bothered by the fact that he wasn’t there to protect her.

   “Have you spoken to the police about the robbery?  Have the found the person who did this?”

   “They really don’t have much to go on yet.  Without being able to talk to Ella, all they really have is the video footage from Poppy’s surveillance cameras.  I will forever thank the heavens above that Ella had that security system installed.  If she hadn’t, who knows how long it would have been before someone had found her.”