Never Enough (21 page)
“It’s very nice to meet you.” Gillian nudged Miles, who parroted her words.
“All right then. Miles, would you like to play a few video games or go out on the terrace and check the view?” Elise asked.
Erin took Miles’s hand. “None of the above. I’m going to show Miles my bass collection.”
“Hey!” Adrian got up to follow them, the siblings joking and bickering as they went. He was still holding Alexander, who patted his chest over and over as they disappeared around the corner.
Gillian grinned as she watched her son trail down the hall, listening to every word Erin said as if it were gospel.
“She’s so excited. Probably almost as much as Adrian.” Brody spoke in an undertone as he settled in across from Gillian.
“I suspect it’s the bass-guitar thing.” This would be good for her son, and that made her very happy. But this day had been illuminating for a whole new set of reasons. It had obviously occurred to her that there were differences between Adrian’s life and her own. She accepted there was no real competing with a dad who could drop the kind of money he had without thinking on high-end bicycles, electronics and remodels for his house. It continued here in this giant, open apartment that dominated an entire half of a floor of a building.
Money and power were adversaries she could not defeat. This had been with her since finding out who Miles’s dad was. But being confronted with it like this set her on her heels a little.
Some small part of her worried Miles would forget about their simpler life and crave this. Who wouldn’t? Would she lose him, then, to something she couldn’t begin to imitate?
Or would he be swallowed up by these people with their big, charismatic personalities? Would he lose himself in the midst of it? Feel bad? Her mother heart worried for him and that heart he wore on his sleeve, even as it loved him fiercely for exactly that and expected that everyone else should too.
It made her want to clutch Miles against her and rush away. Instead, she swallowed it back. She simply had to trust in what she’d built. Anything else wouldn’t allow her to do it at all.
So she’d do it and make the very best of this new direction her life had been thrust into and get over the fear with time.
Brody Brown was far more than an older brother. She saw it in the way he interacted with Erin and Adrian. And with the others in this tight-knit group. He was the one they all seemed to look to, the father figure for the whole crew. He watched her with eyes that held kindness and no small amount of respect. “I wanted to thank you for sticking with this. Even when it got unpleasant. You gave my brother something more important than anything else he’ll ever have or want.”
One thing this man was, was down to earth. She liked that about him. It countered the fear about this life going to Miles’s head. The Browns seemed to be grounded, humble people.
“Thank you. Adrian tells me you got in his face a few times to urge him forward.” She’d liked how Adrian was when he spoke of his family. At times he could be vary wary, but when it was about them, he was open and warm.
And she liked that Brody Brown had been on her side since the very start. She’d never mention that she knew to him. It would only make him uncomfortable. But she knew it just the same.
Elise came over and sat next to Brody, smiling at Gillian. The baby she held had Brody’s serious eyes, and that pale as sunshine hair her mother had.
“I hope we haven’t totally overwhelmed you.”
They were, she saw quite clearly, a team. A unit. Brody and Elise were so in tune and in love with each other and this life, Gillian could do nothing but smile at them.
Gillian looked around the room at the people gathered there. “This is good for Miles. That’s what’s important. Eventually he’ll be part of you all and he won’t need me to be around.”
Elise gave Brody a look and he snorted a laugh.
Elise explained. “I should tell you the Browns, Copelands and Keenans happen to hold family as very important. Miles is Adrian’s son. You’re Miles’s mother. You’ll always be part of this if for no other reason. That’s who they all are.”
It barbed into her belly for a brief twinge, realizing she’d begun to wonder if the thing developing between her and Adrian was something more than fleeting. Fear that it was for her and not for him. Excitement at that new-relationship feeling. Exhilarating and nauseating all at once.
“Would you like a drink?” the pretty redhead, Ella, asked from her place across the room. “We’ve got juice and water, soda, beer, wine, margaritas in the blender too. Not only is Andrew pretty to look at, he makes a mean margarita.” Her husband, the ridiculously gorgeous aforementioned Andrew, grinned her way.
Gillian looked back toward the hallway, trying not to worry about Miles. That’s when Brody took her hands in his, leaning forward.
“Miles will always be safe with us. I know the tattoos and piercings can be a little off-putting at first.”
Gillian couldn’t help it, she laughed. “Honestly, that is just not on my list of concerns. Not at all. I’m not bothered by the ink. I think it’s beautiful, actually.” She shook her head, hard.
“That’s my baby in there. I’m his mum. It’s my job to worry about him. It’s not about what you look like. He’s . . . shy and quiet and”—she paused to glance around the room—“that’s a little rare around here. I know he’s thirteen and I know Adrian loves him and I know you’re all good people.”
Mortified, she batted back tears.
Elise helped her up. “Ella, how about one of those mango things you make, without the tequila for now.”
Ella smiled reassuringly and handed over a pretty glass.
“Thank you.” Gillian might be on the verge of losing her shit, but she still remembered her manners.
“Why don’t we take a walk? The terrace is gorgeous. Marti loves it out here, even when it’s cold like today.”
It was cold, especially at the elevation they were at, but Elise hadn’t lied about how pretty it was out there. At least the cold would give her something else to think about aside from her worries for Miles and yet more evidence of the difference between her life and this . . . this abundance.
“I can’t imagine what you must be feeling,” Elise said as they took a stroll along the terrace. The baby was snuggled against her mother in a carrier, a jaunty little cap on as she strained to see all she could from the confines of her bundle. People were everywhere, but everyone seemed to fit together so well. A lot like her own group of friends. That did comfort her in a sense, but at the same time, this wasn’t about her. She felt out of place because of that even as it comforted her that Miles would have this tight-knit community to be part of as well as the one he already belonged to.
“For years I lived in fear that my ex-in-laws would take Rennie. They tried several times. It was hard to get past that terror of losing her. Even when I knew in my head that they couldn’t take her, that she was mine and I was a good mother. And then I met Brody and everything changed.” She laughed.
“I see the way you are with your son and it makes me like you. Mothering is a hard job, thankless, exhausting. You did it on your own for a long time and now you have to share your beautiful son with others. That’s the hard thing. Am I right?”
“Partially.” She paused, watching Marti, missing the weight of a baby in her arms.
“You don’t know me very well, but I’m a pretty good listener and nothing you say to me is going to be repeated. I hope you can trust me enough to talk to me, but if you don’t, that’s all right too.”
Gillian paused, trying to find the right words. “I knew I’d have to share Miles when I started this process. Just as I knew it was the only thing I could do because it was the best thing for him. But the reality of it is beyond what I had imagined. It’s hard not to let fear and distrust color everything.” She waved a hand, indicating the view. “I can’t compete with this. I can’t compete with a man who can drop the kind of money Adrian can on things it takes me years to save for. I worry how this will affect Miles. I worry about what it will be like for my middle-class son, who brings home strays and uses his allowance to buy feed for the birds and the squirrels instead of video games. I worry he’ll feel out of place in the midst of a family full of rock stars and ballerinas.”
She looked over the city. “I apologize. That was rude of me.”
Elise waved the apology away. “Of
course
you’d worry about that. All I can tell you is that we’re good people and we love each other. Adrian Brown is one of the most humble people I’ve ever known. Sensitive. Kind and loving. My kids adore him. He’s an amazing uncle and I know he’s going to be an amazing dad.”
course
you’d worry about that. All I can tell you is that we’re good people and we love each other. Adrian Brown is one of the most humble people I’ve ever known. Sensitive. Kind and loving. My kids adore him. He’s an amazing uncle and I know he’s going to be an amazing dad.”
Elise laughed softly.
“So, when Marti was about a month old, Erin and Ella convinced me to come to get a facial and a manicure. The shop is about two miles from our house. Now, I’d left Rennie with Brody many times. He’s a great father. But Martine was just a month old. Would he remember how to get the breast milk out of the freezer? What if she got upset and wouldn’t stop crying? She’d had a fussy few days.
“But they argued and wheedled, as did Brody, who gave me that sort of stern puppy-dog face and said it sounded like I didn’t trust him to take care of our daughter for less than two hours.”
Gillian laughed.
“I needed that hour and fifteen minutes. And when I got home, the place was a big mess, but Brody and Rennie had managed to do just fine with Marti. Of course he put the wrong size diaper on her and her clothes were too big because he’d put on the ones I’d put aside for her next growth spurt. But they were all fine and I’d done something good for myself, and for Brody too. And also, it’s good for a kid to have Dad be in charge sometimes. They can be washed off. It won’t kill ’em to have Popsicles for breakfast sometimes. And if things get too bad, there are no less than seven other people within a fifteen-minute radius who are available to help.”
“Are you promising not to break my son?”
Elise grinned at her, laughing. “Yes, exactly that. And this group of people here? If anyone knows how to love and respect that people are different and to celebrate that—it’s them.
“And because of the fame Adrian has, their lifestyle is very protective of that. They’re not lavish people, though they are generous. Especially Adrian. I—well, can I be perfectly honest with you?”
Gillian nodded.
“He’s going to try to do for you and Miles, and I take it from some of your earlier comments that perhaps he already has and you’re feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. He has the means. More than enough means. And he’s made it a sort of personal journey this year to spend more time at home with his family, doing what’s important and taking time off from the road for a while. He gives because he can and because he loves his family. It’s not meant to make you feel bad.”
“It’s just I’ve spent Miles’s entire life trying to teach him about saving for things and waiting to have things you really want, and in just one week of being Adrian’s son, he’s got a brand-new room that could be an electronics showroom, and a swank new bike I’d never be able to afford in a million years. I feel petty and selfish and maybe even a little jealous that I can’t do the same for him.”
“This is going to be fine, you know.” Elise put an arm through one of Gillian’s and they began to walk again. “There’ll be bumps along the way. As such things go. You’re a strong person to have done what you have in bringing that boy and his dad together. We’ll work this all out because that’s what family does. Over time you’ll get used to all the interruptions when you’re out and about. Though”—she paused to look around—“perhaps you can draw him out of this self-imposed shell he’s retreated to.”
“How so?”
Elise readjusted Marti’s hat before she spoke again, clearly weighing her words. “I want to tell you because I think it’s good to understand him. I see how he looks at you and it’s not just as the woman who’s been mothering his kid. He’s had a few conversations with Brody about you, but they both pretend like I don’t see what’s totally obvious.” She snorted a laugh, still managing to sound elegant when she did it.
“But he’s a man, therefore he won’t say anything to protect you or something equally silly. It’s got to be hard, you know? Being recognized all the time. And while he loves his fans, it’s hard on him to feel like he’s on display every time he leaves the house. So he sticks to safe places. Our house, here, the café, the tavern and a few places we all eat as a group. I like it that he goes to Bainbridge to see you. I like that he’s pushing past his comfort zone to be part of Miles’s life. I think it’s good for him to realize there’s more than ten people and eight places he can be safe with.”
Gillian hadn’t known the extent of it, though his distrust of the unfamiliar was fairly obvious. Gillian knew what it felt like to not have enough safe places in your life. Knew the helplessness of it. It made her want to find Adrian and hug him.
“Thank you for saying that. It helps. As for how he looks at me . . .” Her words died as she looked toward downtown. “Well, we’re . . . I’m not used to this sort of sharing, but I’m trying to learn too.” She blushed and Elise squeezed her hand.
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