Never Giving Up (Never #3) (28 page)

“Really?” I was instantly uplifted. After days of feeling the heavy darkness looming over us, the uncertainty of what would happen, this was the first moment in which I felt like, just maybe, everything would be ok after all.

“Yes, but it’s going to take a bit of work on your part.”

“Anything. If Mattie needs it, I’ll do anything.”

“I thought so,” Dr. Edwards said, smiling. “If we were to release Mattie later this week, she would still need up to two weeks of antibiotic treatment administered intravenously. So, in order to make that happen outside of the hospital, we would need to put in a PICC line.”

“What is that?”

“It’s essentially a flexible catheter we insert up the vein in the arm and thread it through to the opening of the ventricle of her heart. It’s like a semi-permanent I.V. You can both administer drugs through the port and also draw blood from it, so she wouldn’t need to be poked every time we needed blood from her and she can get her antibiotics. There also is virtually no chance of the PICC line coming out, like her I.V.’s have been.”

“It goes into her heart?”

“No, not directly into it, we just thread it through until it is just above it.”

“Can it get into her heart? That sounds dangerous.”

“There’s a very small probability of that happening, especially since she’s a small and basically immobile child. Usually with older children we see problems with the line getting pulled out, by siblings or during play, but since she’s just a baby, the risk is really low.”

“Why has the duration of her stay changed so drastically? I thought we’d be here for weeks.”

“We take the care of our patients very seriously, and our staff is trained to recognize parents who are capable and parents who need help. The nursing staff here has been really impressed with your attentiveness to Mattie, and if we didn’t think you were capable of handling her care at home, I wouldn’t even be having this conversation with you. That being said,” she paused and gave me a small smile, “if you feel overwhelmed and would like for her to stay here while she completes the next two weeks of antibiotics, that’s fine too. I don’t want to send you home to fail at this, I want everyone to be happy and healthy. But think about it.”

“When would this all happen?”

“Well, I’d like to get a PICC line in her regardless of whether you stay or go. So, if you agree, that could happen in the next few days. And as soon as the PICC line is in, I would feel comfortable releasing her.”

My heart stuttered a little at her words. We could go home? I could take her home with me and we could just go back to being the little family I had spent nine months imagining?

“This is just one option, Mrs. Masters. Do not feel like you have to go this route.”

“I need to talk to my husband about it.”

“Of course. Talk about it with him, think about everything I’ve told you, and feel free to ask questions if they should arise.” She paused for just a moment and smiled at me, her cheeks becoming pink and round under her eyes. “Regardless, Mattie is going to be just fine and if nothing else, that’s something to celebrate.”

Mattie is going to be just fine.

I’d never felt the physical release of tension in my body like I did in that moment. I sighed in relief and felt my shoulders sag with the weight being lifted off of them. My hand came to the base of my throat, resting on the part of my chest where my heart was beating rapidly beneath my skin, tears prickling in my eyes. My baby was going to be ok.

“Thank you, Dr. Edwards. I appreciate everything you’ve done for us so much. You have no idea.”

“Well, you’re welcome and I’m just glad to see this sweet girl leave here happy and healthy. Think about what we discussed and let me know. And still, just as a precaution, I am going to order her an echocardiogram today. I haven’t heard the murmur in a day or two, so it might have just been something related to the infection, but I want to be sure.”

“Of course. That’s pretty straight forward right? Just like a sonogram?”

“Yes. They’ll come down to you and she’ll probably sleep through it,” she said with another smile. “I’ll let you know as soon as we get the results.”

“Thank you.”

Dr. Edwards left and I slumped down onto the stiff chair next to Mattie’s crib, still trying to take all the information I’d been given.

Mattie.

Home.

Healthy.

It was a reality we’d been losing a grasp on for the last week and now it was back. Our girl could go home. I grabbed my phone and sent Porter a text.

When are you planning on coming to the hospital?

I’m on my way in just a few minutes. Need me to bring you anything in particular?

No. I just want you.

Good, cause I’m on my way.

I smiled to myself, thinking about the look on Porter’s face when I got the chance to tell him the good news. My smile only lasted a few minutes until my mother showed up with Megan. I excitedly explained to both of them what Dr. Edwards had told me, that there was a way for me to take care of Mattie in the comfort of our own home.

Immediately I saw my mother’s face contort into a look of fright.

“What is it, Mom?”

“Don’t you think it would be safer for Mattie to stay here? Where the doctors are?”

I didn’t answer her right away, because I couldn’t quite nail down my reaction. Not only was I angry that my mother was questioning my ability to take care of my own child, I was also hurt that she didn’t think I was capable. Megan, smartly, remained quiet in the corner, not interjecting with her opinion at all. I walked over to Mattie, picking her up, seeking the calming effect holding her usually had over me. I knew she could feel my tensions, so I forced myself to relax.

“I don’t think they would let me take her home if it were dangerous.” I tried not to let my words bite, but they came out sounding harsh and jagged.

“Well,” my mother said with a huff. “I don’t think I would trust myself to take a sick baby home. What if something went wrong? A catheter? Right next to her heart? Ella, that sounds dangerous.”

Although the anger flared, suddenly I was overcome with insecurities. Was I putting my comfort above my baby’s health? Did I want out of this hospital so desperately that I would risk my child’s health to escape? Could taking her home harm her, and if so, how would I handle that? The high I felt from the doctor’s words was hastily and hurriedly ripped out from under me, only to be replaced with a brand new low of self-doubt.

“Well, Mother, this is a decision for Porter and I to make together. Thank you for your unwavering confidence though.” I felt the tears welling in my eyes and I knew I didn’t want to cry in front of her, didn’t want her to see that her blatant lack of belief in my capabilities as a mother. I turned away and quickly wiped a tear from my eye, hoping that neither her nor Megan noticed. A long and uncomfortable silence filled the room, stifling and filled with tension, broken finally by my mother’s voice.

“I think I’m going to go to the cafeteria and grab a cup of coffee. Can I bring you anything, Ella?” Her voice was softer now and I thought I heard a small sliver of remorse in it, but I just shook my head, refusing to face her. “Megan?”

“I’m good, Mom.”

I heard the door open and then close again, my breath rushing out of me as I let out a sigh filled with tension.

“She’s only worried about Mattie,” Megan said softly, obviously trying to smooth over the rift that was just put between my mother and me. I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t trust myself not to break into tears if I opened my mouth to speak. I felt like I was being held together by one single thread and at that moment the thread was being pulled in two different directions, promising to snap at any moment.

“So,” she said loudly, trying to change the subject. “Something really strange happened at Poppy yesterday.”

My head snapped around to look at her. I welcomed the distraction of discussing work. “Like what?”

“A man came in and said he was a private investigator, hired by Porter to look into the embezzlement.”

“Oh.” I knew Porter had mentioned hiring a P.I., but I hadn’t really given it much thought. Life had gotten in the way of everything else. “What happened?”

“Well, since no one had told me about a private investigator, I called Porter just to confirm that the strange man was legit, but once he got the all-clear, he was really only interested in talking with the girls. I think he looked through some of the files on the computer, but I just kind of let him do his thing.”

“He didn’t ask you any questions?”

“Not really. He told me that Porter had told him I wasn’t involved in any way and that unless I was helping him with information he needed, I wasn’t to be bothered.”

Of course Porter would protect my sister. “What did he ask the girls?”

“Only Brittany was there, Sarah had the day off, but she didn’t have much to say about it.” Megan shrugged her shoulders and gave me a helpless look.

I let out another sigh, trying not to let the stress of the situation rile me back up.

“I’m sorry if it was inconvenient for him to be there. We had talked about hiring someone, but with Mattie . . . we should have warned you.”

“Oh please, don’t worry about me. I want to know how He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named managed to take so much money from you too.”

I gave her a smile, finding her snarky humor brought up my spirits when I needed it most. And then, as if the universe knew how much cheering up I really needed, the door opened and Porter stalked in. My face lit up at the sight of him, wanting him to wrap his arms around Mattie and me, taking away all the stress of the last hour.

“Hey, Babe,” he said in greeting, but his voice sounded strained and worried. No, no, no. We didn’t need any more bad news and I had a feeling that was exactly what he was bringing me. “Hey, Megan,” he said, giving her a small and unconvincing smile.

“Hello, Porter. I met your friend the P.I. yesterday.”

“Oh yeah? Did he come by Poppy?”

“Yup. Had a look around the office and chatted with Brittany for a few minutes.”

“He didn’t bother you, did he?”

She smiled at him, almost laughing. “No, I just showed him where the computer was.”

“Good.” He said with a nod, then turned back to me. “How are my two favorite ladies?” He walked towards us and pressed a kiss against my forehead and then leaned down doing the same to Mattie, effectively melting my heart. When would watching my husband interact with our baby cease to be a huge turn on?

“Well, we were doing really well until my mom got here and ruined everything.” Porter’s head turned as he looked back and forth between Megan and me.

“Don’t look at me!” Megan said, holding her hands up in surrender. “I’m the only one here who isn’t a parent so I refuse to have an opinion.”

“What’s going on?” Porter said, his face softer and concerned.

I took a deep breath and then launched into all the details that Dr. Edwards had given me and also my mother’s less than positive response. I tried to keep to the facts and not let my emotions run away with me again, but I felt my face heating up and my eyes start to sting with tears again when I thought about how inadequate my mother had made me feel. I tried to wrap the story up quickly though, because I knew she would be coming back soon. Porter listened and watched me, taking Mattie from me halfway through, cradling her in the nook of his elbow.

When I had finished explaining the situation, Porter said nothing but reached into his back pocket pulling out his wallet. He held his hand out to Megan, urging her to take his wallet.

“Can you go get me something to drink from the cafeteria?” He asked her without taking his eyes off mine.

“Sure. But I don’t need your wallet,” she responded, standing up and stopping to press a kiss against Mattie’s head before she left the room. Porter shook his head and put his wallet away.

“Now, Ella,” Porter said, placing the baby down in the crib. “Tell me what’s really bothering you.” He came to stand right in front of me, his hands rested on my arms, sliding up and down, trying to soothe me.

I took a moment to compile my thoughts; I didn’t want to just spew emotions all over him.

“I was really excited to take Mattie home and my mom just made me feel like I would be endangering her by taking her out of the hospital. As if I couldn’t take care of her well enough on my own.” So much for not spewing emotions. Tears made their way from my eyes and I found my voice shrill and shaky. I felt his hand come to the back of my neck, gripping me just slightly, pulling my head into his chest. His other hand found its way to the small of my back, his hand splayed over me, bringing me even closer in to him.

“Your mom is most likely just worried about Mattie.” He took his hand from my neck and I immediately missed the warmth. He began to trail his fingers through my hair and I knew he was trying to calm me down. “You can’t fault her for wanting the best for her grandbaby.”

“I’m what’s best for Mattie,” I said with more conviction than I intended, but it was how I truly felt. I could take care of her. I knew I could.

“I agree,” he said, his lips pressed against the top of my head. I exhaled against him, letting him take all the tension away. He was kind of magical that way. I wrapped my arms around his waist and moved my head back to look him in the eye.

“So you think we should take her home?” His opinion was vitally important to me and I knew that whatever he had to say would impact our decision on what to do from here. I wanted to know how he felt.

“I think that if the doctor thinks she would be fine with us in our home, then yes, I think we should do it. Will there be obstacles? Probably. But there has to be some setbacks to keeping a newborn in the hospital unnecessarily. Think of all the germs that she could be exposed to being in the hospital with other sick children.”