NEVER GOODBYE (An Albany Boys Novel) (33 page)

Something in him breaks. He walks toward me but I can’t look at his heartbreak, even to save him.

“Go, Vaun. Leave now,” I croak.

“Blue?”

“Go!” I cry out. “Go. You have to go, Things have changed and it’s not going to be what we dreamed. You need to go back to your meeting and make your life and dreams come true.”

He is beside my bed, on his knees. “
You
are my dream.
You
are my future. Nothing else matters.”

“We don’t matter anymore. Everything has changed. Please just go.” Tears are flooding from my face and I can feel his against my hands.

“Okay son, she’s asked you to go. Maybe it would be better if you ―”

“No!” he shouts at my dad. “Blue, I know what you’re doing. I know you don’t mean what you’re saying.”

              There’s a scuffle and I turn to see what’s happening. To see why Vaun is grunting and swearing. Two orderlies, or maybe security guards’ are dragging him from the room by the arms. I want to call out to them to stop, but it will only make Vaun confused and I need him to move on. I need him to even hate me if that helps him move on.

              Unfortunately the sight of his tortured face will be scorched in my shattered heart and brain until I die.

Vaun

              I’m crying and screaming the whole way to the entrance, where security escort me to my truck. I fucking hate my life. I hate God, if there is one, for he hates me more. Why would he show me what true love is only to take it away so quickly? In just over twenty-four hours she has become less of the gal I fell in love with. Frankenstein is winning and I hate him, it, whatever.

              She wants me to hate her, to move on and, fucking hell on earth, it would be easier if I could, but I will never. I will never say goodbye to her. Never goodbye.

              I don’t know what I can do. Sitting in my truck in the dark isn’t going to make her better; it’s not going to convince her not to give up on us or her fight.

              I need help.

              Starting the engine, I gun it out of the parking lot and head for home. I need to ask my dad and Laurel to help me. I don’t know how they can help, but I don’t know where else to go. I need to get into the hospital any way I can.

              A troubling thought just pops in my mind as I drive too fast for anyone’s good. If I just let the truck run off the road and into one of those trees I’ll be in the hospital and I can find her. It’s not like I haven’t thought of this act before. It was once a passing thought after I buried Mom.

The down side to that plan is I might actually kill myself this time and break her soul and I can’t do that to her. Dying may have been my wish back then, but not today. Not this time.

              We both have waited for so long to find one another and now we are being torn apart and all I have to show for it is some videos of us, memories and a quote I stole from her when we set up her room.

              I pull my wallet from back pocket and flip it open on the seat beside me, digging inside for the scrap of paper with her scribble on it. I over steer on the corner and fishtail a little, but I keep digging until I pull it out and read it.

             
‘I’m not single & I’m not taken. I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves my heart because they say good things come to those who wait. ‘Unknown.’

              Yeah good things come, but they are taken away, too. I toss it on the seat and it flutters to the floor. Shit.

              I slow some and reach down trying to keep my eye on the road, twitching the steering a little. It’s right at my fingertips, but I can’t grasp it. I reach further and nab it in my middle and index and glance back at the road in time to see a truck come round the bend while I’m on the wrong side of the road.

17

Never Goodbye

Harper

‘To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.’

Arundhati Roy

              I can’t stop crying. I’m stuck with this machine pumping God knows what in and out of me so I can maybe fight the clock. A transfusion won’t mend my heart, though, and that’s what’s killing me faster.

              Dad keeps trying to talk to me and talk me into seeing Vaun. He doesn’t want me to give up yet, but I’m not giving up, I’m fighting hard. I just see the reality of what is.

              A nurse comes rushing in and gestures Dad to follow her, I think her name badge said Vicky. She has tears in her eyes. I watch him as he gets up frowning and follows her, wondering what could possibly be wrong now.

              He’s gone for only a minute before he rushes back in to my bedside. Whatever news he has for me is not going to be good. Not good at all.

              He’s struggling to say the words and, for the first time, my eyes have stopped pouring with a life of their own. Until he says the words I never want to hear.

              There is only so much a soul can take before a punch is delivered so hard it smashes to smithereens. I had pushed my love away and I pushed him right into the emergency department of KU into the crosshairs of death. This is not what I want for him, not what I planned. I scream and scramble from my bed, Dad and nurse Vicky hold me down. I didn’t think I had that much energy left in me, yet here I am, fighting to get to him.

              Common sense isn’t my friend right now. I hear ‘surgery,’ I hear ‘out of our hands,’ I hear them call for a drug.

              I see fog and then darkness for an eternity before my mind allows me past the blockage. I open my eyes and they don’t burn like last time. I see my dad and he is in bad shape. I see I’m no longer connected to the transfusion machine and, although this should bring me hope and happiness, I feel panic. It means I’ve been out for a long time and I don’t know what’s happened to Vaun.

              “Daddy?” He shoots up in his seat and leans in to and takes my hand.

              “Angel?”

              “Vaun?”

              He swallows and I know it’s bad. He nods and I fight the tears. God, how much can one person cry?

              “He got into an accident. He almost hit a truck, but swerved before it happened. The truck driver called the paramedics who brought him here. He’d been in surgery for almost six hours and is now in ICU.”

              I cough a sob, “He’s alive?”

              Dad’s smile is grim and he nods. “He is, but he’s not conscious. They are keeping in an induced comma because his brain is showing some swelling.”

              “Oh my God.” I look up as if to find the Lord, but I find a florescent light burning into the blur of my tears. “Can I go to him?”

              “If you calm down just little I can. But you need to calm yourself. I need you to look after yourself, to get better. I need you to see that if you don’t look after yourself and fight he will have nothing to fight for. Do you understand me, Angel?”

              I nod because I realize he is talking from experience. I see that he still hopes Mom is fighting to get back to him.

              “I hope and pray every day for your mother. I pray for you and Benny. Right now, I pray for that boy you love. He needs you and you him. So fight against the engulfing pain and I will wheel you into ICU where you can wait with him.

              I sniff and nod, fighting against the tears and the aching pain in my chest. I will for the power to bring us back together like we’re supposed to be.

              I will myself to breathe each lungful of air as Dad wheels me through the hospital with my drip attached. I see the pain in Laurel and Luke’s eyes as they wait in the waiting room for more news. They hug me and try to console us all with words that I don’t process. All I can focus on is seeing him. I will myself not to panic as we cover ourselves in antiseptic gel and go through the doors of ICU, where I see the love of my life in the second bed across from the central station. He has tubes in and out of him. Blood, swelling and bruises patch over his beautiful skin and I will myself not to weep. Will, I could scoff at it, for it has nothing on pain.

              Both my dad and I see his dad on a seat by Vaun’s bed. He stands to greet us and grimly smiles at me with the dread in his eyes I recognize too well.

              Our dad’s agree to coffee and wheel me over to Vaun, where all I want to do is climb up and sleep next to him. To face the darkness, hold his hand and bring him out so we can have the life we dreamed of.

              I don’t get to do any of these. No. For three days I come to his bed and pray. His skin looks better, but he is still lost in the darkness. Now it’s not the drugs, it’s just him that waits in there.

              I had a treatment today and I’m more wiped than I thought I could possibly stand, but I’m fighting for him harder than I have fought in my entire life.

              I know when I need to be sick and so I sneak away like an old alcoholic. I can do this because I don’t want them to make me go back to my bed and rest.

              Carter, April and Benny have all visited. They all want me to come out with them and get some fresh air, but I never leave him. The only time I leave is for tests and treatment.

              They’ll have to wheel me out of here by force because I’m never going to leave him again. Hope is all I have against the doctor’s assumptions and I’m not letting go of it or him.

              Over four days go past. I’m no longer in a wheel chair, but I’m still weak and it’s an effort to slide in beside him. I know I’ll get busted, but I just need to feel his warmth beside me to push me on in this battle. I only get minutes before a beeper goes off and a nurse comes to his bed and gives me a look. I thought it would be a look of disgust or anger, but I see the emotions that look back at me in the mirror.

              She turns the machine off.

18

Heaven and earth and a blue bird

Harper

‘
Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.’

James Dean

              The sunset on the green is gorgeous, the lights and the people are dressed in suits and dresses makes graduation glamorous.

              There’s a big projector screen on stage playing a film Carter prepared. He made it from all the clips he’s taken throughout the year and it plays as the junior dance class I’ve been teaching comes on stage. There are a lot of shots of him and April, and a lot of me and Vaun before life turned upside down. He should be with me, holding my hand. I wish he were, I wish like crazy as I look around at the other couples, but I guess when your leg has ten pins in it and a mountain of plaster, going to little boys room takes a while.

              He can take all the time he needs, because we have forever.

              “Come on guys,” I coo as the tiny dancers spread across the stage in their outfits. They’re so damn cute.

              “What are you thinking?” Vaun asks as he wraps his arms around me and tucks his chin in my neck.

              I’m thinking that for a guy in a cast, he’s good at sneaking up on people, but instead I say, “How we are going to get this idea of potato power off the ground because, I swear, all these lights, the big video and the speakers are not good for the ozone or the cutest future generation ever.”

              He chuckles in my ear and I squirm against it. “Did you ever end up Googling it?”

              “No. You were always trying to Google in my pants before I had a chance to.”

              He laughs loud and swings me around so my hair whips me. Yeah, my hair. It’s in a wig but I’m totally surprised at how real it looks even though it’s made from my own hair. It feels a little weird, but I miss my hair. So does Vaun. He doesn’t say so but, I can tell, especially when he holds it longer than he needs to when pushing it from my face. My hair has grown back, but it’s still really short and I wanted to look beautiful tonight.

Apparently Polly was right; it came back a different color and texture and I didn’t like it at first. Then it did it again and this time it’s a keeper. Though, at the end of the day, it is only hair. I’m just glad I’m half way there and the treatment kicked Frankenstein’s ass.

              This is the first time I’m wearing the wig out. We missed prom, but we don’t care anyway. We are together and life is ahead of us.

              Despite everything, Vaun got the contract for the farming of Organic cattle and with Winnie, Ed and our dad’s help, it’s going strong. It’s killing Vaun to not be able to physically help as much as he used to because of the cast and his shoulder hasn’t mended as well as it should have, but I remind him it’s not forever.

              I’m not dancing yet, but I love teaching it to my students. April’s been assisting me and right now she’s chasing a three year old in a tutu and dummy around the stage.

              I love my new life. It’s not free of struggles, but what life worth living is?

              “Can I ask you something?” I say.

              “Pass.”

              I blink and take a small step back, but he keeps me in his hands. He always keeps his arms around me these days and I think he might just do that forever. “You can’t pass.”

              “Yeah I can. That’s the point of a pass remember.”

              “What if I ask anyway?”