Never Say Goodbye (16 page)

It didn’t feel as comforting now as it had after she’d spoken to Dr Moore. Did everyone have these scans? And what if it had spread? What was she going to do then?

‘Do you have to squeeze so tight?’ Jeff grumbled.

Easing her grip a little, she said, ‘I wish you’d come with me to see Ryan.’

Breaking away from her, he said, ‘I’ve never set foot in a prison in my life, and I don’t intend to start now, not for anyone.’

‘But he’s your son! How can you just turn your back on him?’

‘I’m not going over this again, Josie. You know my position on it, and it’s not going to change. Now, I’m going up to bed. I’ll set the alarm for six,’ and leaving her to finish the washing up alone, he took himself off upstairs.

‘Have you ever been here before?’ Kristina was asking Bel as their taxi pulled into the White Hart car park. It was a pitch-dark night, rainy and cold, making the brightly lit pub seem as welcoming as a lighthouse in a storm.

‘Actually, a few times,’ Bel admitted. Should she add that it had always been with Talia, Nick and the children? Deciding not to, she said, ‘The food’s usually very good, and there’s a reasonable selection of wine. Now we just have to hope that the music is up to scratch.’

‘I looked them up online,’ Kristina confessed as Bel paid the driver, ‘and they’ve had some pretty good write-ups.’

Having done the same, Bel said, ‘I can imagine Harry telling us they’ve all been posted by his mother, especially the one that singled him out as a “top trumpeter”.’ Smiling as Kristina came to link her arm, she said, ‘Thanks for coming.’

‘I’m looking forward to it,’ Kristina assured her. ‘It’s not often I get a night out, or that we manage to spend some time together.’

Knowing that they’d never been anywhere or done anything just the two of them, Bel tried hard to continue feeling friendly towards her as they hurried over to the main doors. Actually, it wasn’t that difficult given how grateful she was to Kristina for offering to come tonight, since she’d never have braved it alone and she really hadn’t wanted to miss it. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been out in the evening – without Nick and the children – and though she’d hoped Nick would offer to accompany her, she’d accepted that it was perhaps more appropriate for it to be Kristina.

‘Don’t forget to send Harry my best,’ Nick had said as he’d walked her and Kristina out to the taxi. ‘I’m sorry to be missing the show, tell him, but someone has to babysit.’

As he’d hugged her Bel had wondered what he was really thinking about her being in touch with the surgeon who’d played such a huge part in their lives over the past few years. Was he confused, or upset by it? Did he feel it was time they moved on and tried to forget the pain and sadness that had filled the time they’d known him? To a degree Nick had already managed that, given the fact he was married again. As for her, it wasn’t as though she’d gone out of her way to see Harry Beck, it had simply happened when she’d dropped into the clinic, and in truth a large part of the reason she’d felt compelled to come tonight wasn’t so much to see the band, as to avoid seeming rude if she didn’t.

Which is just plain nonsense,
she was telling herself as they waited inside the door for the receptionist to find their tickets.
He’s almost certainly forgotten he’s invited you, and even if he hasn’t why would he care whether you’re here or not?

‘Got them,’ the receptionist declared, and handed over a small white envelope. ‘Two tickets for Isabella Monkton.’

‘How much is that?’ Kristina asked, reaching for her purse.

‘No, let me,’ Bel insisted. ‘Tonight’s my treat.’

‘They’re complimentary,’ the receptionist informed them.

Kristina turned to Bel with interested eyes.

Since Harry wasn’t there to thank, Bel could only shrug. ‘Which way do we go?’ she asked the receptionist.

‘Straight through to the main bar. We’re expecting a bit of a crowd in tonight.’

‘So they’re quite popular?’ Kristina enquired.

‘I’d say so, especially with the oldies.’

Somehow knowing Harry would find that amusing, Bel enjoyed the moment and followed Kristina along a shadowy hallway into a large, heavy-beamed bar. Fires were crackling in the hearths each end and the crowd seemed to be made up from all generations.

Since there were no free tables, they squeezed their way through to the counter, ducking to avoid dripping pints as they passed overhead, and doing their best to avoid being trodden on.

‘I had no idea it was going to be like this,’ Bel shouted above the noise. ‘Are you OK? Do you want to leave?’

‘No way,’ Kristina cried. ‘We’ll be fine once we find somewhere safe to stand.’

Bel quickly slipped into a small space as it opened up and after finally managing to order two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc, she followed Kristina to a pillar with a narrow shelf attached.

‘They’re not due on for another twenty minutes,’ Kristina shouted as they clinked glasses. ‘Why don’t we see if there’s somewhere to sit in one of the other bars?’

Agreeing that might be a good idea, Bel led the way to a small lounge next to the restaurant with a sluggish fire in the hearth, and an empty booth in a corner where they made themselves cosy.

‘That’s better,’ Kristina sighed, unwinding her scarf and shaking out her glorious dark hair. She really was lovely, Bel was thinking. She could see why Nick was so smitten; any red-blooded man would be when confronted with so much alluring femininity.

‘So, come on,’ Kristina whispered, her eyes sparkling with mischief, ‘what’s he like?’

Bel regarded her in surprise. ‘Do you mean Harry?’ she asked. Of course she did. ‘Actually, he’s very good-looking, and charming and generous,’ she added, holding up the tickets. ‘And he’s also very much married, so if you’re thinking what I think you are . . .’

Kristina’s face fell. ‘I was,’ she admitted. ‘Honestly, why is it all the best ones are taken?’

It was on the tip of Bel’s tongue to say something about Nick, but realising it might sound bitter, or worse, jealous, she managed a simple shrug as she replied, ‘’Twas ever thus. Anyway, I’m sorry if you feel it’s a waste of time being here now . . .’

‘Oh no, no, no.’ Kristina jumped in at once. ‘I was just teasing, though I have to confess, I’d be so happy for you if you were to meet someone special, and I know Nick would be too.’

Bel’s smile was faint as she took a sip of wine.

Apparently sensing she’d caused some sort of offence, Kristina went on, ‘I never seem to get it quite right with you, do I? I keep trying, but nothing I say . . .’ She shook her head helplessly.

Bel started to speak, but Kristina hadn’t finished.

‘I know you resent me for taking Talia’s place,’ she said frankly, ‘and I understand . . .’

‘I don’t resent you,’ Bel interrupted, wishing they’d stayed in the bar where the noise would have prevented any kind of heart-to-heart.

‘Yes you do,’ Kristina informed her, ‘and in your shoes I’m sure I’d feel the same. It hasn’t been long since your sister . . .’

‘Please, let’s not talk about this,’ Bel cut in quickly. ‘There’s nothing to be gained . . .’

‘But I think there is,’ Kristina insisted. ‘Whether you like it or not we’re part of the same family now, and I want to be your friend, Bel. I really do.’

‘You are,’ Bel assured her. ‘OK, I realise I might seem a little standoffish at times, but that’s just the way I am, so please don’t read anything into it, or think that I feel anything negative towards you, because I truly don’t.’ How convincing she sounded; she might even have believed it herself.

Kristina was regarding her sceptically. ‘I know how close you were to Talia,’ she said carefully, ‘so I get that you’re not happy about Nick marrying again . . .’

‘Nick has his own life to lead, and if being married to you is what he wants I’m happy for him.’

Though Kristina didn’t contradict her, disbelief seemed to hang in the air anyway. ‘You also have your own life to lead,’ she said gently, ‘and I worry that we take up too much of it, always relying on you to have the children when we go away, expecting you . . .’

‘They’re my niece and nephew, I’ve been in their lives since they were born, so it makes sense for them to come to me. I don’t think you’d find that they’d want to go anywhere else.’

‘Of course they wouldn’t. They adore you, anyone can see that, but it concerns me – Nick too – that they’ve become such an enormous part of your life.’

Bel would have liked to walk out now, or at the very least to argue with that, but how could she when Kristina was right? She was absorbing herself in Talia’s children as though they were all that mattered, which actually they were. She could also see how difficult she must be making it for Kristina to bond with them when she was holding them so close to her. The trouble was, she didn’t want Kristina to be the one to watch them grow, to be there for them when times were hard, to share their laughter and tears, failures and triumphs, when all those precious moments should belong to Talia. And if not to Talia, then to her.

‘I’m not quite sure how to say this,’ Kristina began awkwardly, ‘but I want to ask you . . . I mean, it’s probably none of my business, except it is actually. I’m sorry, I’m not making much sense, am I? What I’m trying to say is I understand if you have feelings for Nick . . .’

‘For God’s sake,’ Bel cried angrily. ‘He’s my sister’s husband . . .’

‘But your sister isn’t here any more, and I know you and Nick have always been close.’

‘Like brother and sister.’

‘Yes, but maybe it goes deeper than that – for you.’

‘And maybe it doesn’t,’ Bel snapped. ‘Frankly, Kristina, you’re speaking way out of line now, and all I can say is I hope you haven’t been discussing this with Nick, planting your suspicions in his mind . . .’

‘I didn’t have to. He’s the one who brought it up. He’s really worried about you and how . . .’ she grimaced, ‘well, how dependent you’ve become on your relationship with him and the children. Not that he doesn’t want to be there for you, that truly isn’t the case, because he cares about you deeply. He’s just concerned that you’re feeling you have to step into Talia’s shoes . . .’

Bel’s eyes flashed furiously.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right. What I’m saying is, if you do have romantic feelings towards Nick . . .’

‘I don’t, so can we spare ourselves any more embarrassment and end this conversation now?’

Kristina’s eyes fell to her drink.

‘Did it ever occur to you,’ Bel suddenly heard herself saying, ‘that Nick married you on the rebound? You met so soon after Talia died, at a time when he needed to escape just how awful everything had been so he could pretend, at least for a while, that none of it was real. You provided him with that, you were wonderful to him, warm, understanding, supportive in ways that it wasn’t possible for the rest of us to be when we were trying to deal with our own grief. You were great for him then, a real godsend, but frankly . . .’ Suddenly realising what she was about to say, she reeled back in horror.
I don’t think he loves you at all
. No matter if she believed it to be true, and she didn’t even know that she did, to hurt Kristina that way would be utterly unforgivable.

‘Go on,’ Kristina prompted.

Bel shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, I’m not really thinking straight,’ she mumbled. Realising she needed to say more, she added, ‘You’re right, I am still struggling with Talia’s death, and perhaps I’m too close to the children. You’re so good with them, and they’re clearly very fond of you . . .’ She took a breath. ‘Maybe we shouldn’t spoil the evening by getting any deeper into this tonight.’ It could be that the evening was ruined anyway, but they couldn’t leave now she’d collected the tickets or Harry might end up thinking they’d walked out of the performance.

Did it matter what Harry thought?

Actually, yes it did.

It mattered too that she wasn’t trying hard enough with Kristina, and that Kristina thought she was in love with Nick, and maybe a part of her was – and always would be, because that part was Talia. They couldn’t be separated, they’d shared too many of each other’s genes for that, which was why so much of her had died that day and so much of Talia continued to live.

For the next few minutes Kristina grew considerably in Bel’s estimation as she took it upon herself to try lightening the mood in spite of how forthright, even cruel Bel had been to her. She chatted on merrily about various concerts she’d been to over the years, the type of music she preferred, and the way Nick’s passion for Irish folk music was starting to appeal to her. In return Bel made her own effort by recalling some of the live shows she’d helped design sets for during her time at uni, and how she’d once had a brief fling with a musician who’d gone on to great fame. When she confessed who it was Kristina’s eyes rounded in awe.

‘Are you ever in touch with him now?’ she asked.

‘No way,’ Bel replied. ‘He was completely self-obsessed and coked out of his mind half the time. From what I read in the press he hasn’t changed.’

‘Mm, I’ve read much the same,’ Katrina commented, glancing at her watch. ‘Maybe we should think about going back now?’

Getting to her feet, Bel made to pick up her drink, but instead she impulsively caught hold of Kristina’s hand. ‘Thanks for coming,’ was all she could manage, in spite of there being a lot more she wanted to say, in regret, friendship, perhaps even in anger.

Kristina smiled and closed her other hand around Bel’s.

A few minutes later they were at the back of the main bar again, with a reasonable view through to the stage where The Medics were already tuning up their instruments and exchanging some light-hearted banter with the crowd.

‘Which one’s Harry?’ Kristina asked, leaning in to Bel.

‘The trumpeter,’ Bel reminded her.

Kristina slid her a look. ‘Are you sure he’s married?’

‘Totally sure.’

‘Wife here?’

‘I don’t think so. Apparently she’s not a fan of his type of music.’

Appearing both surprised and unimpressed, Kristina turned back to the front, and as the band launched into the opening bars of ‘All the Things You Are’ the audience fell away from their conversations to listen and sway with the beat.