Never Say Goodbye (39 page)

‘What circumstances?’

He inhaled deeply, and as though retreating from her temper he turned his head away.

She found herself following his gaze, as if the answers he was seeking might be somewhere in the darkness outside. Angered and worried by how the children must be reacting to this, she was about to lay into him again when he said, ‘You must know that the reason Kristina left . . .’ His breath shook as he sighed and brought his eyes back to hers. ‘She went because of you,’ he told her.

Bel became very still, and as guilt rose up over her shock she felt her mind reeling.

‘She thought – thinks,’ he said, looking down at his hands, ‘that I’m in love with you and can’t admit it, even to myself.’

Bel could only stare at him. She had no idea what to say to that, or even what to think of it.

‘I told her it’s not true,’ he pressed on, ‘but she kept saying I was in denial. She wouldn’t listen. I tried to explain, but she didn’t want to hear the truth, and God knows I didn’t want to tell her.’

‘What truth?’

He sat back in his chair and pushed a hand through his already dishevelled hair. ‘I shouldn’t have married her,’ he confessed. ‘I thought I loved her, I mean, I do . . .’ He shook his head as his words ran dry. ‘Everyone was right,’ he went on raggedly, ‘it was too soon. I wasn’t even close to getting over Talia . . . I didn’t realise it then, or I suppose I wouldn’t allow myself to think it. I wanted it all to go away, to be over, finished . . .’ He flicked a glance her way, as though to gauge what she might be thinking. ‘You know how it was, for both of us,’ he said. ‘How it still is, and Kristina’s right, I can’t look at you without thinking of Talia, and wishing we could go back to how things were when she was here.’

Feeling for his torment, Bel took his hands between her own. ‘If it’s any consolation,’ she said, ‘it’s the same for me when I look at you. I realise I don’t have to cope with you being her twin, and I understand how difficult that must be for you. Believe it or not, it is for me too.’

He regarded her curiously.

‘There are times,’ she explained, ‘when I look in the mirror and allow myself to see her. It’s like she’s there, so close I could reach out and touch her, and I want it to be her so much that sometimes I pretend that it is her.’

His eyes remained on hers, as though connecting with her pain.

‘I feel,’ she said in a whisper, ‘that when death came looking, it made a terrible mistake. It meant to take me, not her.’

‘No, don’t say that,’ he protested.

‘The children would still have their mother, and you would have your wife.’

‘Yes, but we should have you too, and God knows we’re glad that we do. You mean so much to us, Bel. Too much, is what Kristina says, and maybe she’s right.’ His head went down as the weight of his despair seemed to grow. ‘I didn’t want her to leave,’ he said, ‘but it’s probably for the best that she did.’

‘What have you told the children?’ she asked.

‘Just that she’s gone to her parents for a while.’

Satisfied with that, she said, ‘If you do still love her, you shouldn’t let her go.’

‘But it’s not fair to do this to her. She tries with the children, and with me, but even when you’re not there Talia’s ghost is. We –
she
– can’t escape it. And it’s my fault, obviously. I’m in a terrible place. I hardly know what I’m doing from one minute to the next. The only time I can think straight is when I’m at work, but even there I’m not . . . I’m not the man I used to be. I don’t have fun any more, I’m not engaging with my students, I’m finding it almost impossible to drum up the kind of enthusiasm I used to.’ He picked up the beer he’d barely touched. ‘I keep wanting to lose myself in this,’ he told her. ‘You saw me the night we met Harry, how I disgraced myself and embarrassed you. I was so angry with you, so bloody worked up over everything . . .’ He stopped as more anguish engulfed him.

‘Why were you angry with me?’ she asked.

‘For a hundred reasons,’ he replied. ‘If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have a conscience about going to Sydney; my marriage wouldn’t be in crisis; I wouldn’t have to explain to my children why I was taking them away from you; I wouldn’t be asking myself if I should have done as Talia asked and married you; I wouldn’t be wishing that I had; I wouldn’t be so damned jealous of your friendship with Harry. Do you see what a mess I am? I don’t know what the truth of anything is any more. I only know that Kristina was right to leave, because I couldn’t go on hurting her, and I can’t take the job in Sydney, because I can’t bear to leave you.’

Bel inhaled deeply as she tried to take it all in. She hardly knew what to say or do that would help him make sense of his confusion. Was he saying he had romantic feelings for her? She couldn’t be sure, and guessed that he wasn’t either. However, what did seem clear, at least to her, was that not dealing with his grief at the beginning was getting the better of him now, and unless he sought help it was going to drag him right under.

‘I’ve thought of it,’ he admitted, when she suggested counselling, ‘but it’ll mean having to talk about Talia and I’m not sure how much good that would do. It’s not going to bring her back, is it?’

‘No, but you don’t want to go on tearing yourself apart like this.’

‘I suppose not.’

Several moments ticked by as they sought a way through the impasse. ‘Maybe we could both go,’ she said in the end. Did she want to? Maybe she needed it too.

His eyes came to hers, but instead of welcoming the idea, as she’d expected, he seemed uncertain. ‘It might not be easy to talk freely if we’re in the room together,’ he said.

Accepting this was true, she didn’t press it.

‘Why would you want to go?’ he asked. ‘You’re not screwing up your life the way I am.’

‘Maybe not on the surface, but underneath I don’t have anything like the kind of confidence I used to.’

‘I should think being with Harry would do more to help that than counselling.’

‘I’m not
with
Harry,’ she retorted, almost crossly. ‘I don’t understand why you think I am when you know very well that he’s married.’

‘You’re seeing quite a bit of him.’

‘Once, when Kristina and I went to watch his band play, and again the night we met him for dinner.’ Now wouldn’t be the time to mention the day she’d run into him at the garden centre, or when he’d popped round to ask for tickets to her father’s art show, or the apartment viewing later in the week, since it would only fuel Nick’s suspicions.

‘You have feelings for him,’ he stated.

Trying not to be annoyed, she said, ‘Yes, as a friend.’

‘Are you sure about that?’

‘Of course I’m sure.’

‘Why are you being so defensive?’

‘I’m not. I’m just trying to make you realise you’re barking up the wrong tree.’

‘Talia and I always used to say what a pity it was he was married, because you two seemed so well suited.’

Remembering how indeed it had been one of Talia’s favourite refrains, Bel got up from the table to go and pour herself more wine. ‘Whatever you think,’ she said, ‘the fact still remains that he has a wife and if he doesn’t respect that, he’ll never have any respect from me.’

‘Respect and attraction aren’t mutually exclusive.’

‘Maybe not, but attraction and affairs with married men are, at least in my book, so shall we go back to talking about you and Kristina, because that’s the real issue here? Not me, or Harry, or going to Sydney, or anything else you’re trying to sidetrack yourself with.’

‘I’m not sidetracking, I’m trying to work it out, and your relationship with Harry Beck is a part of it, because of how it makes me feel.’

Annoyed again, she said, ‘As there is no relationship, you don’t have to feel anything.’

Apparently deciding not to argue with that, he took a sip of his beer. After a while he said, ‘Are you glad we’re not going to Sydney?’

‘Of course, but I can’t feel glad about the reasons.’

‘Really? I thought you’d be pleased that Kristina had given up on us.’

‘How can you think I’d be pleased about something that’s causing you so much heartache?’

‘Ah, but Kristina’s not doing that alone. You have to take some of the responsibility.’

‘You don’t know what you’re saying.’

‘Don’t I?’

She shook her head.

‘You don’t think we should be together?’

‘We are, as brother and sister. It can’t be any more than that and in your heart you know it.’

He didn’t argue, merely sat quietly contemplating her words. ‘I’ve asked myself,’ he said, ‘if I can’t leave you because of you, or because of Talia, and I don’t know the answer.’

‘Maybe it’s a bit of both. And maybe it’s still too soon.’

‘The longer I wait, the more attached the children will become to you. Me too.’

She couldn’t argue with that, because it was true.

‘So what do I do?’ he demanded.

‘As I said, you should see someone, a professional, to help you straighten things out.’

‘Do you know of anyone?’

‘No, but I can always . . . I can ask around.’ She’d been about to say she could ask Harry, but clearly that wouldn’t have been a good idea.

He arched an eyebrow, letting her know that he’d followed her train of thought. ‘Am I going to be welcome here after this?’ he wanted to know.

She gave an incredulous laugh. ‘You’re always welcome here, you know that.’

‘So you’re not angry?’

‘No, just concerned that you’re going through so much. You should have told me sooner.’

‘It wasn’t this bad before. Kristina hadn’t left me; I hadn’t made a fool of myself in front of Harry . . . Please tell me I didn’t accuse him of anything where Talia . . .’

‘You didn’t,’ she assured him.

Seeming satisfied with that, he got to his feet. ‘Suzie’s going back at the weekend,’ he said, ‘would you like to spend some time with me and the children?’

‘That would be lovely, but what are you going to do about Kristina?’

He shrugged. ‘I’m not sure. Try to talk to her, I suppose.’

‘Do you want her to come back?’

‘The truth? I don’t know. If I thought there was a chance with you . . .’

‘Nick, please, it’s not what you want. You might be telling yourself it is, but as much as I might look like her, I’m not Talia, and that’s who you really want.’

He nodded sadly, and reached for his coat.

‘It’ll be all right,’ she promised, as she walked him to the door. ‘Grief is known to skew understanding and perception, but it can be worked through.’

Smiling, he pulled her into an embrace. ‘I can’t imagine why I thought I could go to Sydney,’ he said into her hair.

‘You had to consider it,’ she responded, ‘for the sake of your marriage, if nothing else.’

He didn’t disagree. ‘Just tell me one thing before I go,’ he asked, ‘are you keeping me at arm’s length because you really don’t feel anything, or because it’s a habit you can’t break?’

‘
SO WHAT DO
you think?’ Harry asked eagerly as he and Bel took a second walk round the apartment, while the estate agent disappeared outside to wait.

‘Well,’ Bel replied slowly, casting a critical eye over the French waterleaf cornicing and arch-topped sash windows, ‘it’s obviously just undergone a major renovation, and from what I can tell they’ve done it very well.’

Clearly pleased with the approval, Harry said, ‘The views would be amazing if it weren’t dark out. The beach is right opposite, as you could see when we came in, and the station can’t be more than a six- or seven-minute walk along the promenade.’

‘So a great location,’ Bel agreed. ‘And provided your mother wants all this space . . . Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a really decent-sized kitchen,’ she enthused, going through a set of open French doors to inspect the custom-built units and granite worktops. ‘She could probably fit a table for four in here, though myself I’d be more inclined to install an island with a couple of bar stools, and use part of the enormous sitting room for dining.’

‘Good idea,’ he responded, noting it down, ‘and the extra space through there, in the alcove, you said would make a good utility?’

‘Absolutely. You could put up a few shelves, and build a tall cupboard into the corner for ironing board, vacuum cleaner et cetera. Is she going to live here alone?’

‘Oh no, it’s only an investment. The plan is to let it.’

Though surprised, Bel nodded approvingly. ‘She should get a very good rent for a place like this. If you don’t mind me asking, how much do they want for it?’

‘Four hundred and twenty thou.’

‘Mm, a bit over the odds perhaps, considering there’s no lift and it’s what, third floor?’

He nodded.

‘On the other hand, there’s a communal garden at the back which could be a real bonus for some.’

‘So what would you offer, if you were buying it?’ he wanted to know.

After going to check on the bedrooms and bathrooms again, she said, ‘I’d start at four hundred and hope to land it at four ten.’

‘Then that’s what we’ll do.’

She blinked. ‘Just like that? Doesn’t she want to see it first?’

‘I’m sure she would if she was planning to live here, but I’ve told her about you and she’s happy to trust your judgement.’

Bel opened her mouth, but no words came out.

He grinned. ‘So, should I tell the agent tonight, or wait till morning?’

‘If it were me,’ she replied, ‘I’d want to sleep on it.’

‘OK, advice taken. Now, ready for a drink? I thought we could go to the Grape Escape on Castle Street in the old town. Do you know it?’

‘I’ve heard of it, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in.’

‘Then allow me to introduce you to one of my favourite haunts. As you’d expect for a wine bar, it carries an excellent selection of vino, and I’ve taken the liberty of reserving a table in the restaurant upstairs in the hope I can persuade you to stay on for dinner.’

Not sure whether she was feeling railroaded, or swept off her feet, Bel followed him down a grandly sweeping staircase to where the estate agent was just coming in through the front door.

‘We like it very much,’ Harry informed him. ‘I’ll give you a ring in the morning to talk turkey.’