Never Say Goodbye (36 page)

‘I’m still in Exeter,’ he told her. ‘I’m ringing because . . . Well, I felt I ought to in case you wanted to know . . .’

Bel’s heart was twisting. He was about to tell her that they’d brought the departure date forward. ‘Wanted to know what?’ she asked.

There was an awkward silence before he said, ‘Please remember, I’m the messenger here, it’s not coming from me . . .’

Suddenly cottoning on, Bel’s eyes turned cold. ‘If this is about my father I don’t want to know.’

‘OK, fine. I just thought I should tell you that he wants to see you before he flies home.’

‘Well you can tell him from me,’ Bel seethed, ‘if he tries to come anywhere near me I’ll go straight to the police. There’s no statute of limitations on what he did, and there’d be no holding the press . . .’

‘It’s OK, I get the picture,’ Nick broke in. ‘I just thought I should warn you that it’s what he wants.’

‘Then please warn him that he would be making a very big mistake if he tries,’ and as though it were her father at the end of the line she cut it dead.

Several moments ticked by as Josie sat quietly watching her. Finally she slid down from her bar stool and went to carry on with the tea.

‘Thanks,’ Bel said shakily, as Josie put a cup in her hand. ‘I’m sorry about all that . . .’

‘You don’t have to apologise to me. Just drink up, it’s supposed to be helpful for stress.’

After taking a sip, Bel let go of a tremulous sigh and pushed a hand through her hair. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t expecting that call . . .’

‘Please don’t apologise,’ Josie interrupted. ‘Just drink up.’

Bel regarded her carefully. ‘We were going to sort out something about your hair,’ she said eventually. ‘I’ve got . . .’

‘Oh now, I don’t expect the world to stand still because a silly old bit of my barnet came out. I’ll cope with it.’

‘And I’m going to help you,’ Bel assured her. ‘So let’s pretend the last few minutes never happened.’

‘If that’s what you want,’ Josie replied, and waving an invisible wand, she said, ‘gone!’

‘Bloody hell, Jose,’ Jeff exclaimed as Josie got up from the bed.

Having thought he was still sleeping, Josie turned back in surprise. When she saw what he was looking at, her heartbeat slowed. She put a hand to her head, half expecting to find it all gone.

Their eyes locked on each other’s in the semi-darkness.

‘Sorry,’ she mumbled, collecting up the fallen curls. ‘I should have told you this was happening.’

He watched her pad across the room in her nightie. ‘Are you going to lose it all?’ he asked as she reached the door.

Keeping her back turned, she nodded.

‘Bloody hell,’ he repeated softly.

She wondered what he was thinking. Did he feel repulsed, shocked, sorry for her? She felt sorry for herself, but she didn’t let it show as she turned round with a smile. ‘I’m going to get it cut later,’ she announced. ‘That way it won’t seem quite so drastic when it all goes.’

He was staring at the wall, clearly unable to look at her and not knowing what to say.

‘It’ll grow back,’ she assured him. ‘Once the treatment’s over, it’ll be like it never happened.’

He nodded. ‘So are you going to go about with a bald head till then?’ he wanted to know.

‘No, I’ll probably wear scarves, or a wig if I can find one. Once I’m on benefits the NHS will help to finance it. I’ve got all the forms.’

He inhaled shakily, seeming irritated, or maybe frustrated, she couldn’t quite tell. ‘Lily’s coming today,’ he reminded her.

‘I know. I don’t want to tell her yet though.’

‘Well, she’ll want to know why half your barnet’s missing.’

Remembering she hadn’t seen herself yet, she rushed to the bathroom mirror. To her horror a huge clump of hair had come away from the front of her parting, leaving the pale flesh beneath shyly exposed. There was no way she could hide it without a wig, or a scarf, and Lily would want to know why she was wearing either.

Fighting back the tears, she wrapped a towel round her head and went back to the bedroom. ‘Will you tell her with me?’ she asked, fearing a rebuff.

He swallowed and looked away as he nodded. ‘If that’s what you want.’

‘Thanks,’ she whispered.

A few moments ticked by.

‘I’ll go and make a cuppa, shall I?’ she said.

‘It’s all right, I’ll do it. You go and sort yourself out.’

Reminding herself that this was his way when he was worried or upset, to be withdrawn and unemotional, she returned to the bathroom and turned on the shower. Heaven only knew how much more hair was going to come out when she washed it, so maybe she’d better leave it for today and put on one of the lovely scarves Bel had given her yesterday.

She wanted to ring Bel now to tell her what was happening, but she couldn’t keep turning to her every time she needed moral support, especially when Bel clearly had enough issues of her own to cope with. Heaven only knew what all that had been about on the phone with her brother-in-law. Obviously her father had done something terrible in the past, and Josie could only hope that her suspicions in that direction were way off target.

Half an hour later, having showered and tied a pretty pastel blue scarf around her head, she went downstairs and found Jeff watching the sports news. ‘What do you think?’ she asked, self-consciously.

Looking up from the telly, he regarded her briefly and nodded. ‘It looks nice,’ he told her. ‘Where did you get it?’

‘Bel gave it to me.’

‘That was good of her,’ he commented. ‘I suppose she can afford to give stuff away.’

‘Yes, but I don’t think it’s about affording it. She’s just kind. A bit like you.’

His eyebrows rose.

‘You can try hiding it from everyone else,’ she teased, ‘but I’ve known you a very long time, Jeff Clark. Kind is what you are, from the top of your daft old head to the bottom of your silly flat feet,’ and before he could reply she sailed on into the kitchen, her smile acting like a sticking plaster over her tears. She didn’t know if he was really thinking about Dawnie and wishing he was with her; that was just what she was telling herself, and she had to stop.

‘What time’re Lily and Jasper getting here?’ he asked, coming to put his empty mug in the sink.

‘She said about ten in her text, so I should have time to run up the shops for your paper and something for lunch.’ Everyone would wonder about her scarf. She wasn’t sure she was ready for it yet.

‘I’ll go,’ he said, reading her mind, or maybe he needed to get out for a while. ‘Write a list of what you want, and leave those dishes, I’ll do them when I get back.’

She blinked in amazement. He never offered to do the washing up.

After he’d gone she went on rinsing the plates and mugs and tried to work out what might be going on in his mind. If she asked he probably wouldn’t tell her, and even if he did how would she know if he was telling the truth? All she knew for certain was that he didn’t like talking about things the way some people did, having to analyse every last detail of a problem, picking it apart and running themselves round in circles until half the time they ended up making things ten times worse. She wasn’t much up for flogging an issue to death, either. So maybe it was best if they just carried on as they were, not getting themselves worked up over something they could do nothing about, and putting it out of their minds as much as they could so their whole lives didn’t become about it.

I am not cancer,
she’d read in a forum on the Breast Cancer Care website;
I just have it in one small part of my body. The rest of me is the same happy-go-lucky, sporting, dedicated wife and mother I’ve always been. No cancer will ever change that.

How she admired someone who could sound so positive and in control. She was trying to be like that, and there was no reason why she shouldn’t succeed, because even during the times she felt like going to pieces no one needed to know. She wasn’t going to be someone who spread misery and fear all over the place (or her hair, come to that, so she really must get it cut). She was someone who simply got on with things. Her treatment was going to be half over after the next session, and she was managing to cope with the side effects, just, and when she saw Mr Beck again in a couple of weeks she was absolutely certain he’d tell her that everything was going very well.

Josie’s heart was aching as she watched Lily’s smile disappear. Her lively honey curls were bunched randomly on the top of her head; her wide violet eyes were staring at her mother. Jeff had just told her to sit down, and Lily being Lily, had instantly guessed something was wrong. She reached for Jasper’s hand as he sat down with her, and Josie noticed how worried he seemed too. There must be something in the air, she thought, or in her and Jeff’s manner, or, more likely, it was the pale blue scarf that was giving the game away.

‘Please don’t let this be what I think it is,’ Lily murmured, panic threading into her voice.

Josie glanced at Jasper and smiled. She wanted to keep things as calm and cheery as possible; there was no point spinning it out like a sentence of death when it certainly wasn’t that, in spite of the dreaded C word hovering in the corner like the Grim Reaper himself. She had to say it and she would; she just hoped it wasn’t going to be as hard to hear as she feared.

Jeff said, ‘What your mother’s trying to tell you, my love, is that she has breast cancer.’

Lily’s face turned white, while shock had much the same effect on Josie. She hadn’t expected him to blurt it out like that.

‘Oh my God, Mum,’ Lily cried, rushing to Josie. ‘That’s why you’re wearing the scarf. Oh God, oh God, please don’t let it be true.’

Tearing her eyes from Jeff, Josie patted Lily’s back as she said, ‘It’s all right, sweetheart. It’s going to be fine.’

‘Of course it is,’ Lily insisted. ‘We’ll make sure it is. Oh God, why didn’t you tell me? How long have you known?’

‘A couple of months, but it doesn’t matter . . .’

‘It matters to me. I knew something wasn’t right, but you kept putting me off.’

‘You’ve got enough to be thinking about.’

‘Nothing’s more important than you. Oh Mum, you shouldn’t have to go through this. It’s not fair.’

‘Well, there we are,’ Josie responded, ‘it’s here now, so we have to deal with it.’

‘They’ve caught it early, right?’ Lily wanted to know, trying to sound brave and capable in spite of the fear in her eyes.

Josie nodded. ‘They’re giving me some chemo now.’

‘So you
are
losing your hair? That’s what the scarf’s about?’

‘Yes, but it’ll soon grow back.’

Lily was trying desperately to rally, but Josie could see what a struggle it was. ‘It will,’ she declared firmly, as if she knew about these things. ‘It might even be lovelier than before.’

Josie looked at Jeff.

He was staring at nothing.

‘That was your cue to say
not possible
,’ she told him.

Looking both shaken and lost, he said, ‘What?’

Josie rolled her eyes. ‘Never mind.’

‘Oh Dad,’ Lily wailed, going to hug him. ‘This must be horrible for you too, but she’ll be all right, I promise.’

‘Course she will,’ he retorted. ‘No one’s ever said any different.’

‘My aunt had it,’ Jasper told them, ‘and she’s perfectly fine now.’

‘There you are,’ Lily announced to her mother. ‘It’s not as bad as it used to be. It’s only people of your generation who are scared of it, because you remember how it was before, when your mothers were young.’

Though she had no memory of anyone suffering from breast cancer, Josie smiled her approval. ‘Good, I’m glad we’re all agreed,’ she said, ‘that it’s not the monster it used to be.’ She was prepared to accept Lily’s reassurance, on the grounds that many more women survived breast cancer these days than ever before. And she would be one of them; there was no doubt about that.

The question they’d have to face sooner or later was whether Lily should be tested for the gene.

‘So how long’s the chemo going on for?’ Lily wanted to know.

‘Another three to four months,’ Josie replied. ‘So it should be over in plenty of time for the big day.’

‘Yes, but what happens after?’ Lily pressed.

‘I’ll probably have a little operation, but the surgeon’s already promised it won’t affect me coming to the wedding. I might have to find myself a nice wig for it though, but I expect you’ll help me with that.’

‘Of course I will,’ Lily assured her, wrapping her up in her arms again. ‘I’ll do anything you need me to, you know that.’

‘Same goes for me,’ Jasper added. ‘I might not be much good with wigs, but if there’s anything else . . .’

‘That’s lovely of you,’ Josie smiled. ‘What matters to me is that you take care of our girl here.’ To Lily, she said, ‘I don’t want you getting all maudlin about this, because there’s nothing to be maudlin about.’

‘She didn’t say she was,’ Jeff pointed out.

Josie glanced at him, and from the way he flushed she could tell he was sorry he’d just said that. It didn’t matter, things were always coming out the wrong way at times like this, so she wasn’t hurt.

‘If you want us to postpone the wedding?’ Lily offered.

‘Don’t be daft,’ Josie scoffed. ‘I just told you, there’s no problem about me coming, and I’ll still be able to help you organise it all.’

‘You’ll have to do your bit too, Dad,’ Lily informed him.

‘Did you hear me say I wouldn’t?’

Lily regarded her mother anxiously. ‘I don’t want it to be too much for you . . .’

‘Stop worrying about me, now . . .’

‘I knew you’d say that, but you’re my
mother
for goodness sake, of course I’m worried.’

‘Well, it’s not going to do anyone any good if you spend your time thinking the worst, so if you want to help, you should carry on as normal. That’s what I’m doing. So’s Dad, and we’re coping just fine.’

Lily didn’t look convinced. ‘They say chemo’s terrible . . .’

Josie rolled her eyes. ‘It’s not the best thing I’ve ever had, it’s true, but others have a far worse time of it than me so I’m not complaining.’

‘Yeah, well you wouldn’t, would you?’