Never Say Goodbye (Rebel Walking #6) (19 page)

"Ohhhhhhh fuccckkkkkk."  His lips land on my chin just as my moan escapes my mouth.  He keeps driving his massive bulge into my clit and finally, I lock up.  My body freezes and becomes so tight.  One more roll of his hips and the rush of my orgasm flows through my body. 

"Fuck, Kimber.  I don't have a fucking condom and you're making it hard to stop."  His words slam into my heart.  How could I be so careless that I didn't even think about that?  I'm positive that if he would've whipped it out, I wouldn't have stopped him and that's a huge problem.  What does he do to me that lets me put down all my guards and do that?

Tears flood my eyes.  I try to stop them, but I can't.  They begin to fall down my cheeks.  He steps closer to the wall and moves his hands to my face, using his thumbs to dry my cheeks.

"Kimber, did I hurt you?"  The lump in my throat gets larger when I look at him.  He's truly concerned about me.  This doesn't happen to me.  Guys tell me to quit crying like a fucking baby when I'm upset.

"No, I'm not hurt."  I need to get a grip.  This guy is ridiculous and I'm getting in way over my head.  He has the power to crush me, I can already feel it.  The other guys never made me feel like he has over and over in the last few days.  It will be easy to get used to that and never want to leave.  I know that isn't an option.

He trails kisses over my face as he keeps watching me.  "What's wrong?"

You mean the fact that I'm such a fuck up, I was willing to let you have sex with me unprotected just days from a miscarriage?  Maybe deep down, I don't care if he gets me pregnant.  I know he'd make the best father in the world just by what I've seen of him already. 

"Nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing."

"I should've been the one to think about protection ....  and protection was the last thing on my mind.  It just pisses me off."

"It's been a tough few days.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Besides that, I had you wrapped up in all this sexiness.... I've heard it's hard to think in that condition."  There's that smirk.  The one that's lethal.  The one I'm starting to love.

"Cocky much?"

"Just a little," he says as he pushes his hips into me again. 
Little?
  I don't think so, but I'm not telling him that. 

Chapter Nine

Luke

I set her down knowing this needs to stop now.  It's been far too long for me and I just got caught up in all the tension between us.  Hell, it's been so long that I don't even carry condoms with me anymore.  That used to be a daily requirement.  Times have changed drastically in that department. 

Sweat continues to roll down my body and she's just about the same.  I've never been one for gym sex, but I've never been through such a dry spell, even if it's self imposed. 

I grab two towels and toss one to her.  Wiping the sweat from my face and chest, I try to get my head back into this workout. 

"What's left?"

"Oh just about twelve more sets in the next station and then you start over."

Someone forgot to tell my dick that we're done here and it doesn't help that she's looking at the bulge in my shorts.  My only hope is that it'll calm the fuck down when I start doing the rest of this shit.  I make a mental note to stop for condoms when we leave today, because I refuse to get caught without one again. 

**********

Lou kicked my ass today.  I sit here in this fucking metal chair and wait my turn.  Kimber took me up on my offer to let her have the shower first.  I should've given her the third option of us saving water and sharing the space, but honestly I just fucking need a shower. 

I'm glad things weren't terribly awkward after our little encounter today.  Sometimes shit like that gets sticky and out of control fast.  I know we have five days until the fight and the last thing we need is for things to get uncomfortable.

She steps out of the bathroom and I'm practically naked and in the shower before I can close the door.  I can hear her talking over the water.

"Hey.  Can we just go for a long ride tonight?  Maybe take dinner on the road?"  She has no idea how great that sounds to me. 

"Yeah, sure.  Sounds great."  That sounds like the best night I've had in months.  My mind starts to rotate through the options of places that I can take her.  Private.  A good distance away, but not hours.  Private.  Somewhere peaceful.... and private.

It's not that I know something will happen tonight between us, but the one thing I do know is that I want to spend time with Kimber.  It's nice to have someone to talk to that has already proven they aren't out to interrogate me.  There's a few things that I'm not ready to talk about, Lilly's death being one of them.  In order to stay away from the topic of her death, I can't talk about her at all.  There's no way the conversation can end without a question being asked like 'What happened to Lilly?'    

Just as I decide to take her down Pacific Coast Highway for a cruise, the water turns cold.  Shit. 

"That was fast."

"Yeah, the water turned to ice."

"Oh, sorry."

"Ehh.  Not your fault.  This place is a shithole."  Her smile catches my eye.

"Then why do you stay here?"

"Sometimes you have to deal with the shit before you can deal with shit."  I don't expect her to understand my cryptic response.  Her inquisitive expression verifies that she doesn't get it, but I can see her wheels turning as she tries to process.   

"How do you feel about a long ride down the coast?"  I fucking love her smile.  Seeing her happy is something I need to make a daily mission until she leaves.

"That sounds perfect!" 

Kimber

The air in my face is exactly what I need.  I can't imagine a more perfect evening, my arms wrapped around Luke making me feel safe, riding down the coast smelling the ocean and feeling the change in the air as we drive.   

We drive for what feels like an hour and I love every minute of it.  It's odd how I'm so close to him, yet it feels like I'm completely free of everything in the world as he drives us down the road.  I shouldn't feel like this with him.  He makes me forget everything bad in my life.  I get lost with him and it's refreshing to get pulled away from everything horrible I know.  He turns me on, but I can't forget I've lost a baby that I wanted to be my world. 

My eyes never leave the view of the ocean on the right.  He turns into an entrance for one of the beaches and I notice there aren't any other people in sight. 

He continues to drive past the parking lot and onto a walking trail surrounded by rocks on each side.  He parks the bike so that we're facing the ocean and we both remain on the seat.

"What do ya think?"

"It's beautiful.  I love coming to the ocean.  I had no idea this little area was back here."

"Yeah.  I found it out of curiosity one night passing through."  There's limited view on either side from here, but the sight as we face the ocean is amazing.  The sun is just about to hit the horizon, so I step off the back of the bike to make sure I can see everything. 

"Where are you going?"

"I want to make sure I can see the sunset.  It's been forever since I've watched the sun go down."

"Here, sit here."  He slides back on the seat to make room for me in front of him and his arms come around me to surround me with tattoos.  Feeling him wrapped around me is a change from me holding him and it does something to me immediately.  How long has it been since a man just held me like this? 

"I always forget how breathtaking this view is.  It's something that I will never get tired of." 

"I've never watched the sun set over the ocean.  This will be a first for me."  His voice is even deeper than usual this close to my ear. 

"Thanks for bringing me out here, Luke.  I really needed to get away from everything and this is perfect."

"The sun hasn't even set yet."

"It doesn't have to.  The ride over here was enough.  I'm going to have to buy myself a motorcycle."  His laughter spills into my ears and I can feel his body move until he stops laughing.

"You on a bike?"

"What's so damned funny?"

"Oh nothing.  You just shocked me."

"I could own a bike."

"Yes you could.  What kind of bike would you get?"  His question just reminds me that I don't know anything about motorcycles and I should probably not pretend with him. 

"I'll have to do research.  I'm not sure what fit I like yet."  He begins to move his hands over my legs.  The feel of his hard chest at my back and his denim covered thighs against my ass and outer legs makes me feel so safe.  I could get used to this.

His hands slide over my thighs and he continues to rub his palms on my jeans just lightly enough to let me know he's moving around.  Thoughts of earlier today rush through my mind and my body reacts even more with his touch.

I feel my body relaxing against him as we sit watching the water while his hands continue to roam over my body.  The silence between us doesn't feel the slightest bit uncomfortable and it's probably the most peaceful my mind has been in ages. 

"This is so peaceful."

The pressure from his thumbs when they slide up and down my legs is sending a feeling of hunger throughout my body.  I want him more with each passing moment and the beautiful view isn't helping me block out how perfect this is.  It's too perfect.  I don't get moments like this. 

He moves his right hand up my body and over my chest, never losing contact.  His hand stops at my chin and he uses the side of his index finger to guide my chin so that I look over at him.  This closeness is so raw and deeply emotional, it's hard to look at him this close.  I fight the urge to look away and watch his eyes. 

His lips meet mine, he kisses me so gently and I realize right then that the moment just got more perfect.  How did we get to this?  How in the world did this man get to me so quickly?  All the way to me.  He's creeping in to parts of my body that I don't want to let anyone in.  My plan is to leave, not fall for someone here and break my heart when I leave.     

The kiss is short lived since I pull back and face the ocean.  Guilt of how I feel washes over me.  I shouldn't want him like I do.  It's like I'm running into the arms of another man, but in reality he's the first real man I've known.  He knows how to treat someone.  This is new for me and trying to fight this attraction is hard.  I want to feel the way he makes me feel.  He doesn't try to move me again.  We watch the sun set completely in silence. 

Luke

I'm not sure why I felt the urge to kiss her just now.  I just felt like it needed to happen right then.  This tug and pull between us is going to get to us sooner rather than later.  I can't keep this up much longer.  My dick says go.... my heart says no.... my mind is just fucking confused and freezes up when I think about it. 

The drive back to the apartment is uneventful and I try to just enjoy the road.  Focusing on
not
focusing on her tits on my back and her arms around my waist.  I really need to get laid, this is fucking ridiculous.

Could I be more off and on?  One minute I'm so fucking horny, the next I'm thinking too much and my mind locks up on me.  Kimber is so different than what I'm usually attracted to.  Of course she isn't Lilly, though.

It's not fair that I keep thinking of her and it's definitely not right that I've been comparing her to Kimber in my mind.  Am I comparing the two, or trying to justify my feelings for Kimber?  I'm not sure.  Shit. 

My mind is such a clusterfuck and I'm about to pull Kimber right into the pits of my hell. 

I'm over one night stands.  I'm over fucking them and leaving.  I'm over mindless sex just to get off.  I want it to mean something and the bad part is that it will with Kimber.  How can I want it to mean something, but not want to feel emotions?  Fuck my life.

She means a lot to me.  I can't stand seeing her hurt, which is exactly why I need to be straight with her.  There's a piece of my heart that I'll never have to give her.  Lilly will always have it.

I open the door to the apartment just as I decide it's time to do what I've needed to do for six months.  It's time to play her guitar and quit hiding from the pain. 

I took each day for granted. I took her for granted. Not an hour goes by that she isn't consuming my thoughts. How can I move on when a part of me died with her in that car?

Remembering her as she took her last breath, I wipe away the emotions before they have a chance to escape. As I continue to strum the strings on her guitar, even more memories flow through my head. The pain hurts so much and I can't bring myself to continue like this.

I put her guitar back in the spot it's been for six months, in the corner of my room. There's only one place I can think to escape.

I've come to the conclusion that Lilly will forever be a part of me. Tonight I'll make it permanent.

"I need to run and errand.  I'll be back in a few hours."

I can't take her with me for this.  I need to do this by myself and she'll be safe here in my apartment.

Lilly flies free now, just like a Free Bird. The pain from the needle leaving an ink trail will take my mind off of the pain in my heart, even if it's only a temporary relief.

I've done research on tattoo artists.  This guy can pull off the color I need so that it blends with my other tattoos.  Lilly had a tattoo on her side that I loved to kiss.  The heart made from a treble clef and base clef proved her love of music.  That love of music was the reason I fell in love with her.  She had the same passion for it as I do and very few people can match that.  She would get lost in it and I would watch her like I was stuck in a trance.

She was my Free Bird.  On stage she let herself go and expressed every emotion in her being. 

I park the bike out front of 23rd Street Tattoo Shop and meet another tattoo covered male at the door.

"What can I help you with, Man?"

"I need a tattoo tonight."

"I'm about to close up, what do you have in mind?"

Here it goes.  Here goes me talking about Lilly.

"I need a colorful bird tattooed on my side and on that bird I need a small tattoo on its side."  His business look of acceptance is promising and I watch him as he draws up the perfect image within a few minutes. 

Her heart was the only thing that had to be perfect.  His artistic and creative personality had no issues coming up with the exact tattoo I need.

"So you love music?"

"Yeah.  You could say that."  The pain of the needle begins and it's in that moment I know I needed this.  She'll be a part of me permanently and will never be forgotten.  Anyone who wants to be in my life will have to accept that.  I have so many tattoos anyway, this will just be one that actually means something to me.

"Who's your bird?"  There it is.   The question that I've avoided for too long now.

"Her name was Lilly."

"I'm sorry, Man."

"Yeah, me too."  He continues the tattoo for hours.  The conversation was easy and about everything and at the same time nothing that mattered.

His final wipe of the ink and the mirror to show it off verified how perfect it is.

"Good luck, Man.  I hope to see you back on that Rebel Walking state soon."  His words surprise me.  I didn't expect anyone to recognize me.  I've managed this long with success.