Never Surrender (16 page)

“But—” Gabe opened his hands, feeling desperate “—can’t you
force
the mind to dump this shit? Get rid of it?”

“I wish it were that easy, Chief, but only counseling, maybe hypnotherapy, can help pry open that door to that vat of worms. The other problem is if Bay remembers her trauma too soon, it can spin her out emotionally, and she’ll become unstable. There’s a lot of razor edges the brain is considering. We’re not privy to its reasoning or decisions it makes on Bay’s behalf. The brain will always make a decision to keep her stable and able to survive.”

“How can we know which will happen?” Gabe demanded hoarsely, never wanting Bay to remember what happened to her. It would break her. It would destroy her. He knew it would. Could he love her enough? Hold her close enough? Protect her enough so that she could survive those memories if they did come back? Gabe didn’t know, his anger mounting because he felt pinned down by the bastard who had done this to her. Gabe dragged in a ragged breath, miserable.

“There are so many unknowns here, Chief. I know you’re frustrated. There are no easy answers. You also need to work with the rape crisis counselor yourself. You’re a man. Bay was injured badly by a man. The counselor can give you tools to help Bay trust you, not see you through the filter lens of her rapist. It’s vital she trust you. If Bay can, it’s a bridge, a doorway, to her healing. If she can separate out you from her rapist, she stands a chance of recovery.... And so many rape survivors cannot do that. It’s a long, harrowing process then. We just have to wait and see.”

Leaning his elbows on his thighs, Gabe savagely scrubbed his face. How the hell was he going to do this? He was a trained SEAL who could go up against the meanest sons of bitches the world could throw at him, and he could deal with it. But this?
Jesus!
He felt absolutely incapable of handling it.

“Listen,” Dr. Torrance whispered, gripping his shoulder as she rose. “You’re overwhelmed, Chief. Don’t get caught up in details. Just monitor Bay. Be there at her side. Let her begin to tell you what she wants. What she needs. I think when you get her home to West Virginia, back to her mother and sister, she’ll settle in and her brain will start opening up to the past. To you.”

Gabe lifted his face from his hands, numb. The doctor smiled patiently at him and released his shoulder. Though he wanted so badly to vent his emotions, he turned and stared at Bay’s door. The Navy had taught him how to kill, how to survive. No one else had taught him how to do this. Bay was broken into a hundred pieces, emotionally speaking. Her body had been broken. And her spirit was fractured. And Dr. Torrance was asking him to pick up the pieces and glue her back together again. How the hell was he going to do that?

Gabe dragged in a deep, serrating breath. He was so damned tense, he felt he might snap in two. Maybe Dr. Torrance was right: get Bay home, to the safety of her cabin, the love of her mother and sister. Then, maybe she could begin to heal.

He wiped his face harshly. There were so many fine lines to walk. Oh, God, if he made a mistake...Gabe lived in terror of doing just that. Looking up at the ceiling, he felt his entire life slowly rotating in a completely new direction. It wasn’t Bay’s fault that she’d been injured and traumatized. Somehow, he was going to have his love for her guide him because he sure as hell wasn’t a shrink or a rape crisis counselor.

As Gabe stood there, he recalled Bay’s reaction when they’d walked the sand dunes in a small cove near La Jolla, California. She’d spotted a California gold poppy, dropped to her knees, gently cradling the bloom between her hands. Gabe had knelt beside Bay, sponging in the joy radiating from her beautiful face, watching her long hands gently cup the flower. She’d leaned down, nose in the bloom, inhaling its fragrance. It was such a simple act, but it had profoundly affected Gabe.

His mind clicked over so many powerful, emotional moments he’d shared with Bay. At home, she could begin to cobble her torn life back together again, one small step at a time. Holding one flower at a time within her cupped hands. Focusing her heart and soul on that one bloom, appreciating it, being one with it because he’d seen her do it before.
Baby steps,
Gabe warned himself.
Baby steps and don’t screw this up, Griffin, because you won’t get a second chance...

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

G
ABE
REMAINED
NEAR
the SUV as he watched Poppy Thorn come running to greet her daughter, who was making her way toward the cabin where she’d been born. His heart burst open as Poppy, who wore a beat-up straw hat on her head, threw her arms around Bay. Even better, Bay had instantly recognized her mother at the hospital. He’d shown her photos of Poppy and of her sister, Eva-Jo, whom she recalled immediately.

Both women sobbed against one another. Gabe felt guilty, wishing Bay would throw her arms around him like that. It was a selfish thing to think about under the circumstances. At least Bay recognized someone. That was good news, progress. Gabe tried not to feel jealous under the circumstances. Above all, he wanted Bay to have connection with those she loved.

The July summer heat was high and humid, but the tall trees surrounding the huge two-story log cabin shaded it and brought the temperature down a little. Gabe was sweating freely, glad he was wearing a black T-shirt, olive green cargo pants and boots. There was a bit of a sluggish breeze.

He studied the cabin that sat on top of the small hill. Bay had known she was coming home. The two weeks spent at Landstuhl had strengthened her on every level, thanks to Dr. Torrance and her team. He felt grateful for all the military nurses and doctors who had made Bay’s entrance back into the world a soft landing, not a hard, jolting reentry.

Bay wiped her eyes as she eased from her mother’s strong, loving arms. Tears continued to spill down her cheeks as she held Poppy’s warm blue gaze. At forty-nine, she was deeply tanned, healthy and vibrant. “It’s so good to see you, Mama, so good,” she quavered. Bay looked around. “Where’s Eva-Jo?”

Sniffing, Poppy gave her a wobbly smile and wiped her eyes with an embroidered handkerchief. “She’s in the lowlands being schooled in Dunmore. Eva-Jo will be back by three today, honey.” Poppy lifted her work-worn hand, gently touching the left side of her daughter’s face. “You look so thin and tired, Baylee. What you need is some good home cooking to put some meat back on your bones.”

Bay looked down at herself. She’d chosen a dark orange tee, jeans and some comfortable sandals to wear. It was true, she had lost weight. “I can hardly
wait
for some home-cooked meals, Mama.”

“Well, I’m gonna feed both of you. Come and introduce me to Gabe, your friend?”

Turning, Bay smiled over at Gabe. He waited, looking ill at ease near the SUV he’d rented at the airport. “Mama, he’s helped me so much. I know him, and it’s driving me crazy, but I can’t remember why I know him.”

“Tut-tut,” Poppy said, gripping her hand and leading her forward. “He’s your best friend, honey. Those memories will come back in time. He’s a good man.”

Gabe stood and watched the two women walk toward him. Poppy was just as tall as her daughter. She wore a short-sleeved simple white blouse, a dark blue skirt that fell to her ankles. He saw she was barefoot, and he managed a slight smile, liking her independent nature. Anxious, he looked over at Bay. Her cheeks glistened with spent tears, but for the first time, he saw real happiness shining in her blue eyes. His heart lifted with hope. Bay was smiling again. For the first time since...and Gabe shoved those thoughts into his kill box. All he wanted to do was see her smile, see life return and chase the shadows he always saw lurking in the depths of her eyes.

Bay was already having nightmares. Dr. Torrance had given her sleep medication, so she could continue to heal and stop the sleep interruptions. No sleep, poor recovery, she’d told Gabe.

“Gabe Griffin!” Poppy said, breaking into a warm smile. “Finally, I get to meet you in person!”

Gabe offered his hand to the woman with the elfin smile. She pushed his proffered hand aside, threw her arms around his broad shoulders and hugged him. Surprised, he took a step back. And then, Gabe awkwardly put his arms around her. Poppy didn’t go much for social protocols, he realized. He glanced up and saw Bay watching him, her face radiant. God, the warmth of her smile shed light into his black soul, lifting him once more, making him feel a tentative thread of hope.

“Well,” Poppy said, releasing him, “you’re home, too, Gabe, whether you know it or not.” She grinned wickedly and stepped back, seeking and finding her daughter’s hand.

“Yes, ma’am,” he managed. He’d talked to Poppy about Bay and her rape issues before bringing her home. She knew not to refer to Gabe as anything except Bay’s close friend. Not her fiancé. Never speak of them loving one another. It had torn him up on that phone call, and Poppy had cried. She’d cried for him, understanding the untenable position he had been trapped within. “Pshaw. You call me Poppy or Mama. I don’t care which. Now, come along. I have your and Bay’s bedrooms ready for you in that smaller log cabin you see on the side of the hill.”

Gabe lifted his chin and saw a one-story log cabin about a hundred feet away from the main house. He frowned, not understanding why Poppy was putting them up there instead of in the main house. He glanced at Poppy and she gave him a sharpened look that said:
keep quiet, I’ll talk to you later.
Gabe nodded, sticking his hands into the pockets of his jeans, following the two women who walked hand in hand.

* * *

“I
S
B
AY
SLEEPING
NOW
?” Poppy asked, pouring Gabe a cup of hot coffee in the kitchen of the main house.

“Yeah, she’s pretty tuckered out. She usually goes down for a nap in the afternoon, and then she’ll sleep until early evening, wake up and not be hungry.” Gabe grimaced. Food seemed to repel her.
Why?
Bay had to eat to regain her strength.

Poppy sat down at the old wooden table opposite him. She pushed several strands of hair off her wrinkled brow. “When a person has a piece ripped out of ’em, they lose their appetite. How are you doing, son?”

He shrugged, his large hands wrapped around the red ceramic mug. “I’ve been better, Mrs.... I mean, Poppy.”

“You’re looking pretty thinned out to me. You’ve been through a lot with Bay. And she’s leanin’ on you pretty hard from what I can see.”

Amazed at her insight, Gabe stared at Poppy. He’d told her nothing about the top secret mission. All she knew was Bay was an 18 Delta combat medic and nothing about Operation Shadow Warriors.

“Yes, ma’am...I mean, yes, I want her to lean on me. Bay trusts me.”

There was such strength in the woman’s deeply tanned features. She had Bay’s oval face and high cheekbones. In fact, he saw a lot of Poppy in Bay’s features. And that Hill grit was there, too. He sensed it, felt it.

“The reason I put you two over in the other cabin is because Dr. Torrance called me three days ago. She gave me a lot of information and said that Bay is progressing very quickly. Maybe too fast. What she’s worried about is her memory coming back too soon. I guess my daughter is having nightmares? And they sedated her so she could sleep at night?”

“Yes. But why not keep Bay here at your home where she’s close to you?”

“I only have three bedrooms in this house, son. Eva-Jo, me and a guest bedroom. I don’t think Bay and you are sleeping together yet?”

God, how he wished they were. “No...she sees me as a friend, a confidant, is all. Nothing more.” It hurt like hell to admit it.

“That’s what I thought. Well, there’s two bedrooms with a door between them over there in that smaller cabin. Floyd, my husband, built it years ago. He’d built that cabin for Bay. She wanted to get her degree to become an R.N. and then come back home to help serve the people of our mountain. The cabin was to eventually become her home.” Poppy grimaced. “It didn’t quite work out like we thought. But Bay knows that cabin. She used it as a teen and had her drawin’ supplies, her canvases and paints over there. Eva-Jo used to pester the daylights out of Bay, and she found the cabin a place of solace and was able to be alone for a while. My daughter needs time alone. It recharges her batteries.”

“Bay needs quiet,” Gabe agreed, sipping the coffee.

“More than ever right now. I’ll keep Eva-Jo plenty occupied. Right now, Bay doesn’t need the shadow of her little sister following her around like a lovesick puppy. My second daughter has the mentality of a ten-year-old. She’s improved with schooling, but once she sees Bay is home, I intend to keep her focused on other things. Dr. Torrance said Bay needs to do the things that appeal to her. And babysitting Eva-Jo ain’t one of ’em.”

Relieved, Gabe said, “Maybe I can help babysit Eva-Jo, then?”

Chuckling, Poppy said, “Eva-Jo will probably dote on you.” She peered at Gabe. “I can see why my daughter fell in love with you. You have a kind face. A quiet way about you. There’s no drama, no arrogance in your bones.”

Unexpectedly, heat rushed up his neck and into his face. He avoided her sharpened look, staring down at his coffee cup. His voice went hoarse. “I love her, Poppy.”

“I can see you do, son.” She reached out and patted his hand. “And I can see how much you’re suffering, too. Everything’s landed in your lap. You have a broad set of shoulders, but you’re bearing a heavy load. It will wear a good person down and out. I know because my husband Floyd contracted Black Lung for nearly ten years before he died. There were days when I felt lower than a snake’s belly in a wheel rut. I had two daughters to raise, a very sick and failing husband. Lordy, I know what it’s like carrying a loved one who’s sick, Gabe.” She wagged her finger in his face. “You come to me, you hear? You’re gonna need someone to talk to. To share your tears with. You’re a caregiver at this point in my daughter’s life. You need support, too, and I can help you out.” Poppy patted her shoulder. “My shoulders aren’t as large and wide as yours, but I’ve held hundreds of men and women as a Hill doctor and let them cry right here....” She patted her shoulder again. I’m good at holdin’ people together when they’re breakin’ apart during a long-haul crisis. Okay?”

Gabe managed a pained smile, or as much of one as he could muster. Poppy was fierce. Strong. Wise. All attributes that Bay had, too. “Yes, ma’am...I mean...sorry, I’m used to the military. We need to stay in close contact with one another. Dr. Torrance said that.”

“You cry much, son?”

Startled, Gabe stared at her. “Pardon?”

“Cry? You know? As in tears?”

Gabe saw that determined look snapping in her narrowed blue eyes, her lips pursed. Damn, she was like a laser-guided JDAM, just blowing the hell out of his cover. How did Poppy see beneath his game face? Feeling naked in front of her, Gabe managed, “Not if I can help it. I stopped crying when I was a young boy.”

Snorting, Poppy muttered, “Well, ya better get in touch with your emotions again because I can sure feel that nest of snakes writhing inside you, Gabe. It don’t do anyone any good to pretend you don’t feel. You love my daughter, I can see that plain as day. But you’re hurting her and yourself if you don’t cry. Tears heal. Did you know that?”

Gabe eyed her wryly. “Yeah, your daughter said the same thing to me more times than I can count.”

“Oh, I betcha Bay’s said it more than a few times to you. You’re a tough one, you are. But love has a funny way of making even the strongest man drop to his knees. You’re human, Gabe, and I know loving Bay and getting her well is going to be an unadulterated, living hell on you. So, keep your hankies ready!”

* * *

G
ABE
WAS
RESTLESS
.
On edge. It was midnight, and he lay in his bed, the moonlight streaming through the curtains at the window. It was plenty light enough to see the open door that led into Bay’s bedroom. He ached to be with her, holding her, giving her that sense of safety she needed.

Bay’s first day at home had energized her, but it also tired her out. She’d gone to bed shortly after dinner, not wanting to take the sleeping pill. Gabe didn’t feel good about it. Would a nightmare stalk Bay tonight because she hadn’t taken her medication?

He was tired to his soul but completely alert and waiting. For what, he didn’t know. His mind refused to turn off, as it did on most nights. He felt utterly useless. Bay had treated him like a much-loved and trusted brother at the hospital. Sometimes, Gabe would briefly touch her hand, but not often. Or hug her, like a brother, not a lover. She’d always been glad to see him when he returned to her room. He lived to see happiness coming back to Bay’s eyes when her gaze rested upon him.

Damn, there was such unrelieved tension in him. Gabe felt torn. Poppy’s admonishment about crying damn near undid his massive control over his feelings. She was scary! And Bay had that same, homed-in radar, that same kind of clairvoyance. Poppy saw straight through him, warts and all, too. He was in big trouble with Poppy, but simultaneously, Gabe felt her love and care shower him, as well. She seemed to understand what he was going through.

Bay’s scream shattered his roiling thoughts.

Instinctively, Gabe leaped out of his bed and raced through the open door. He went to her room and found her huddled against the headboard, her voice growing hoarse with whimpering cries.

Gabe advanced to the bed, sitting down, facing her. Gently, he placed his hands on her shaking shoulders. “Bay...baby, it’s all right. You’re safe..safe....”

She lifted her head, breathing hard, her chest sharply rising and falling beneath her lavender nightgown. Dammit, he should have insisted on her taking the sleep med. It was too late now.

Gabe’s heart twisted in his chest as he saw that blank look in her eyes. That scared him even more. Her hair had partially fallen across her face, tears splattering down her cheeks. Groaning, Gabe said to hell with it and pulled Bay into his arms. He was supposed to talk her down, but he couldn’t handle her cries.

Bay moaned as Gabe dragged her into his embrace. He stroked her hair, whispering to her, trying desperately to pull her out of the clutches of the nightmare that still held her prisoner. Gabe wasn’t sure if she’d scream and push him away or not. This was the first time he’d held her like this. Tears burned in his eyes, his mouth thinning as he absorbed Bay’s sobs, her warm tears running down across his chest. He hurt so damned much for her.