Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1) (35 page)

The small pre-op room was overflowing with people. Peyton lay with me in the bed while Madison, Sawyer, Nana, Ethan, David, and Charlie filled the remaining floor space.

I clutched my only baby tightly against my traitorous body. “If I don’t wake up, I’m going to be in heaven with Daddy watching over you. I need you to always remember that, Pey.” I tried to be strong for her, but I couldn’t stop the tears from falling down my cheeks.

“I will, Mommy.” Peyton’s cries ripped me to shreds. “Please, don’t leave me.”

“I’ll try my best, but sometimes it’s just someone’s time to go. If I do have to go, Mama is going to be your new mommy. I want you to be good for her, just like you’ve always been. She loves you so much, and I know you love her, too.”

Sawyer pulled Madison close as she dashed the tears from her eyes. “They’re ready for you,” the nurse said from the doorway. The adults slowly said encouraging words and stepped out of the room until it was just Madison, Peyton, and me.

“Come on, Peyton. We need to go so the doctors can do their job,” Madison said as she reached for the little girl who was fused to my side.

“No! I don’t want my mommy to leave!” she cried. In that moment, I was ready to call the whole thing off. I had stupidly wasted the last months I had with her, and I needed more time. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wouldn’t be seeing her beautiful face again.

“It’ll be okay, baby. Remember that I love you and will always be with you,” I said. “I need you to smile for me. Give me your prettiest smile, and then I’m going to close my eyes.”

“Why, Mommy?” she asked through her wails. Sawyer stepped back into the room, concern for Peyton etched on his face.

I stared into my daughter’s beautiful hazel eyes. “In case something happens, I want your beautiful smile to be the very last thing I see.” I took her hands. “Please, baby?” I begged.

Peyton struggled so hard to give me what I’d asked for. I took a mental photo of my baby being brave for me and then closed my eyes. I gave my daughter a final hug and kiss. “Thank you, baby. I love you so much. No matter what happens, I will love you forever.” I felt Sawyer’s hands pull my heart away from me. Peyton’s guttural screams nearly killed me. Madison kissed my forehead and told me she loved me before she followed her family to the waiting room.

I kept my eyes closed as the medical staff prepared me to face my destiny. I stayed focused on the image of my baby girl. I refused to cooperate when they asked me to count backwards from ten. I didn’t want a random number to be the last word I ever spoke.

“Peyton, Peyton, Peyton… Peyt—”

Madison

We set up camp in the waiting room of the unfamiliar hospital in the city. Voices from the TV mounted in the corner filled the bleak space, but I had no idea what they were saying. Peyton was exhausted, because she’d stayed up most of the night with her mother. She cried herself to sleep in my arms as we waited for news.

Ethan and Charlie had been given permission to watch the surgery from the gallery. They promised to text with updates at least once per hour, but it might as well have been once per eternity. Seconds felt like hours, and minutes felt like days. Sawyer, Nana, Dad, and I waited in silence.

My phone vibrated for the first time about forty-five minutes after the surgery was scheduled to begin. Peyton’s limp body was pinned between me and the words that had the power to either break me or keep me breathing for a little while longer. From his seat on my right, Sawyer helped me to shift her small frame, so I could dig the phone from the front pocket of my jeans.

Ethan:
So far, so good. The first step is complete. Everything is going as expected.

I let out a fraction of the air that had been trapped in my chest, and relayed the message to the others while Peyton slept. There was still a long way to go, but every small victory brought Olivia one step closer to coming back to us.

I looked around the room at most of the little family I had left. A new knot formed in my throat when my eyes fell on my father. I could hold on to resentment and anger, keep him at arm’s length, or I could appreciate the gift I’d been given. He may have left, he may have caused excruciating pain…but he’d come back.

Life was too short to be filled with pain. “I’m s-so sorry, Daddy,” I whispered. “I’m sorry for b-being so mean and angry.”

My dad moved to sit in the chair on my left. He leaned over and took Peyton and me into his arms. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Maddie—er, Madison.”

“Maddie’s okay,” I sobbed. I was still my daddy’s little girl. “I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too, Maddie. More than you’ll ever know.”

I looked down at the sleeping girl in my arms. “I think I have a pretty good idea.”

*

For the next several hours, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t move. I refused all offers to take a turn holding Peyton—she was mine until her mother came out of surgery. I scrolled through the messages I’d received from Ethan throughout the morning and early afternoon in an attempt to hold on to hope.

Ethan:
Still going well…

Ethan:
I can tell she’s fighting.

Ethan:
Moving on to the fifth step…

Ethan:
Should be done in about an hour.

It had been nearly three hours since the last message had been sent. I held on tightly to Peyton and was grateful that she’d managed to stay asleep throughout the day. I didn’t care that her weight had caused my leg to fall asleep; I wouldn’t dare move her. I didn’t want her to wake up until I could tell her that her mommy was going to be okay. Every minute that passed made it seem less likely I would be able to speak those words to her.

All heads snapped to attention when the waiting room doors opened for the first time that day. Charlie had a strong arm wrapped around Ethan as they walked in slowly with the lead surgeon on their heels. The smiles I’d been praying to see on their faces were missing; instead, I found red eyes and rounded shoulders.

My heart went still. I pulled Peyton up to my body until her chest was pressed against mine. She was oblivious to everything that was happening—I envied her in that moment. “What happened?” I whispered.

Charlie and Ethan crumbled into each other’s arms, and Sawyer wrapped Peyton and me up in his. The surgeon moved one of the faded blue chairs, so that it was directly in front of me. With weary eyes, he said, “Olivia’s heart couldn’t take the stress of the operation. We did everything we could.”

Madison

“The service was beautiful,” Sawyer said. He held me tightly as we lay in bed the Saturday night after Olivia passed.

“It’s my fault she’s gone. If I hadn’t pressured her to have the surgery, Peyton would have had more time with her. I would have had more time with her.” My heart had become uncomfortably numb, as though it were encased in a solid block of ice.

“It’s not your fault. Olivia made the decision that she thought was best.” He gently kissed the top of my head. “I truly believe it was the right one. The potential benefit was too great to not try.”

We lay in silence as I thought about all I had lost. I finally spoke when I didn’t think I could bear the solitude of my pain any longer.

“The day we met was the day of Ryan’s funeral. It was also the day Ethan broke up with me.” I rolled over to face him. “I went to the bar, planning to drink until I couldn’t feel anything. I wanted to find a random guy to screw… I found you instead.”

“I thank God every day that I ditched Finn’s reception that evening.” He stroked a gentle finger across my cheek.

“That night you helped me forget for a while. It didn’t hurt as much when I was with you.” I looked deeply into the eyes of the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. “I still don’t know why you wanted me, especially since I was such a mess, but I’m grateful you did.”

“You were beautiful. The moment I saw you, I knew I had to have you. I’d never felt that way about anyone before.”

“Will you help me forget again?” He was the only thing potent enough to dull the pain.

“Hard and fast?” he asked.

I usually wanted him to fuck me hard when I was upset, but this time was different. I needed him to soothe my soul. I needed him to show me that he felt the same way about me as I felt about him, since he couldn’t say the words. “Make love to me.”

He was quiet for a moment as he studied my eyes. I wasn’t quite sure what he was looking for. He rolled on top of me and almost immediately rammed into me harder than he ever had before. His hips pounded into mine at a furious pace.

“Slower,” I begged. He must have seen the edge of pain on my face. He stilled for a moment and then flipped us over so that I was on top. He lay motionless beneath me. His eyes were suddenly dark and distant. I leaned down to kiss him in an attempt to ease his apprehension, but didn’t get the response I was hoping for. His lips were unyielding. I rocked my hips slowly, showing him how I felt about him—about us. I waited for him to respond in kind, but he continued to lay still. His face knotted as if he were now the one in pain.

I had finally crossed the line. I choked back my grief as I swung my leg over his body and climbed out of the bed. I snatched my ratty robe from the floor and flew down the stairs to the lower-level bathroom. Instead of making me feel loved and comforted, my encounter with Sawyer left me feeling rejected and dirty. I turned on the shower and stepped inside the stall before the water had a chance to warm up.

I leaned against the back wall and slid down until my bottom hit the ground. My waterlogged robe was plastered to my shivering body. I pulled my knees to my chest, rested my forehead on them, and cried until my stomach ached.

The shower door opened a few minutes later, and a naked Sawyer stepped inside. “I’m sorry, Madison.” He pulled me to my feet and pressed his lips to mine. His kiss was different this time—almost desperate. He untied my robe and let it fall to the ground. He lifted me with ease, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He rocked into me slowly, tenderly, in just the way I’d wanted earlier in bed.

I desperately wanted to tell him how much I loved him. I’d been holding it in for far too long. I had already scared him once that night, so I knew I couldn’t just come out and say it.

Everyone I loved kept leaving me. “Please don’t leave me,” I said quietly. I wasn’t sure if he could hear me over the sound of the water spray.

His hips picked up the pace, filling me over and over until I exploded. My core clenched around him as tightly as it could. My body and mind were finally on the same page: neither of us wanted to let him go. He stilled as he followed me over the edge in a beautiful explosion.

We stood there, joined together until the water became cold. He turned off the shower, wrapped me in a towel, and carried me to my room. We climbed back into bed, and he pulled me into his arms once more. This time, he held on to me like he couldn’t breathe without me.

I had to tell him. “Sawyer, I—”

“Shh, go to sleep. You’ve had a long day.” There was something off about his voice. I decided it was best to give him time to process what had happened between us. I curled into his body until we were practically welded together from head to toe. I drifted off to sleep in the arms of the man I loved.

When I woke the next morning, he was gone.

Sawyer

My cell rang for the eighth time since Thomas picked me up from the airport that morning.

“You should answer your phone before she calls the FBI to report you missing,” he said.

“What am I going to say to her?” I’d watched Madison sleep peacefully for hours while I fought a war with myself. She was in love with me—or at least she thought she was. I hadn’t let her say the words, but I knew they had been coming. How could I stay with her when I could never give her what she wanted? I’d promised her I’d never lead her on, but I’d done just that.

What if she didn’t mean it? What if it was all part of a master plan to trap me? What if she just wanted me to think she loved me so she could get close enough to own me and my bank account? Could I take that risk? I was sure she would have the power to break me if it went any further between us. Maybe I’d already let it go too far.

But what if she really loved me, and didn’t have an ulterior motive?

“Just be cool,” Thomas said. “Don’t show any weakness.”

His advice was as good as any since my mind was too fucked up to figure out what to do. I took a steadying breath as I slid my finger across the screen to answer the call.

“Hello?”

“Sawyer, thank God. Are you okay?” Worry was now trumping the grief that had dominated her voice for the past few days.

“I’m fine,” I said. I had to work to keep the flurry of emotions from my voice.

“You don’t sound fine. Do you want to come over and talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you?”

“That would be kind of hard to do since I’m in LA.”

“Oh. Why didn’t you tell me?” Her words felt like a noose tightening around my neck. Would she want to know my every move if she simply loved me, or was she afraid I was slipping through her greedy fingers?