Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1) (39 page)

Me:
He’s beautiful.

Peyton:
Yep!

Me:
Will you give your brother and Madison a kiss for me?

Peyton:
Yep! Are you coming home for Christmas?

I looked at the date on my phone and was surprised to find that Christmas was less than a week away. One day had bled into the next as I wallowed away on my sister’s couch. Maybe it wasn’t too late to go home. Maybe Madison would forgive me. Maybe I could figure out how to truly believe that she really did love me and didn’t have an ulterior motive.

Marina walked into her living room and stopped in front of me. “I’ve had enough. You need to either find an apartment here or move back to Indiana where you belong. Either way, you need to get the fuck out of my house. I can’t watch you sit around and ruin your life.”

The time for indecision was over. I either needed to face my fears and confess my mistake to Madison or figure out a way to move on without my family. I could feel Marina watching me as she waited for my answer. I knew what I needed to do, even though it would be one of the hardest things I’d ever have to do. “Fine, I’ll be out in a few days.”

I turned my attention back to my phone and typed a reply to my favorite little girl.

Me:
Maybe.

“I’m sorry,” Marina said as she took a seat next to me on her couch. “Tell me something. What were you afraid of? Why did you leave?”

“I was afraid she was only after my money.” I was afraid she didn’t really want
me
.

“What did she do to make you think that?” Marina’s eyebrows pulled together slightly.

I thought about it carefully. There were a few conversations about her financial troubles. I replayed them in my mind and realized the only thing she ever really asked me for was to let her work. I’d taken away her only source of income and then gotten angry when she tried to tell me why she needed it.

“Absolutely nothing.”

“Based on what you’ve told me, from her point of view, you’re an unemployed teacher. Doesn’t sound like the kind of guy a gold digger would go after.”

I thought about how Thomas would reply to that. “She knows you have money.”

“She was with you before she knew about me, dumbass. Do you think she hooked up with you just in case you had a rich relative?”

“But what about love? What if Thomas is right, and it’s just a farce? What if we can’t stand each other when the lust wears off?”

“If you could never have sex with her again, would you want to be with her?”

I had never really thought about that before. I remembered all of the times I’d just held her, all of the time we’d spent with Peyton, all of the times I’d sat and watched her when she wasn’t looking.

“Yes.”

“So, what’s stopping you?” She must have noticed my hesitation. “What’s the worst thing that could happen if you go home?”

“She’ll hate me when I tell her what I did and never take me back.” The knot in my throat grew at the thought of that possibility.

“And the best that could happen is she forgives you for whatever you did and you live happily ever after.”

I knew life wasn’t like one of Marina’s movies. I didn’t deserve Madison’s forgiveness.

“From where I sit, it’s better to take the risk than settle for guaranteed misery,” she said. “You’ll hate yourself if you never try.
I
might hate you if you don’t try.” She gave me a small smile. “Don’t you at least owe her an explanation?”

She was right. Madison deserved to hear the truth, and I needed to fight for my family. I pulled out my phone and dialed the first airline that came up on my internet search. “I need a ticket from Los Angeles to Indianapolis,” I said to the agent that answered my call. “Today.”

Madison

I barely heard the knock on the front door over the growl of my ancient vacuum cleaner. A familiar-looking man with dark eyes and dirty blond hair stood on the porch. I could tell he was an out-of-towner, because he wore one of the heaviest coats I’d ever seen and it was only thirty degrees. His fingers flexed around the strap of the messenger bag slung across his body. “Are you Madison Miller?” he asked.

“Yes, who are you?”

“I’m Thomas Ramsay, Sawyer’s brother. May I come in?”

I had suspected I was looking at a Ramsay, and the confirmation incited one of my biggest fears. “Did something happen to him?” I took a step back and opened the door wide enough for him to enter.

“No, he’s fine.”

I fell onto the couch in relief. “Thank God.”

“I’m here to give you a couple of things,” he said as he took a seat on the recliner. He pulled a magazine and a manila folder containing a thick stack of documents from his bag and handed them to me.

I started with the magazine. On the cover was a photo of Marina and Tate on a red carpet. There was a bookmark about two-thirds through the weekly entertainment rag.

“Take a look at that page,” he said. “I think you’ll be interested to see one of the pictures.”

I hesitantly flipped open the periodical to the marker. I looked through the pictures of Marina in a beautiful lavender dress standing arm-in-arm with Tate in a single-breasted tuxedo.

“Look carefully at the picture in the bottom left corner,” he said.

I examined the picture closely. My eyes started to burn when I found what he wanted me to see. Sawyer was standing in the background with a gorgeous redhead. She was beaming. His arm was wrapped around her waist, and his lips were millimeters from her ear.

“Will you excuse me for a moment?” I didn’t wait for a response before I ran to the bathroom. I emptied my stomach and wiped the tears from my face before I returned to my uninvited guest.

“I’d appreciate it if you’d leave,” I said after I sat on the couch.

“There’s more.” He pointed toward the manila folder.

I picked it up and flipped through the papers a few times before I realized what I was looking at. “He wants a paternity test?”

“It’s what’s best for everyone involved. The other document is a settlement agreement in the unlikely event he is the father.”

I had trouble focusing on the paper, but was able to pick up on the phrase ‘termination of parental rights’ and a dollar sign followed by five figures. “He wants to pay me off and then walk away?” Maybe he had decided to move on with the woman in the photograph, and the baby and I would just be in the way. It took everything I had to hold myself together.

“I think you’ll agree the amount is more than fair.”

“It’s not acceptable,” I said. I couldn’t put a price tag on my baby growing up without his father. If he didn’t want the baby, then I’d just do it by myself.

“How much do you want?”

“Nothing. If he wants to walk away, he can do it for free. He just has to be man enough to tell me himself.”

“You would let him sign over his rights and responsibilities without any compensation?”

“Yes. I want my baby to have a father who loves him. If Sawyer doesn’t want the baby, he can walk away. He’ll have to pay for the test, though. I can’t afford it, and I already know for sure he’s the father.”

I stood and headed toward the door.

“I’ll let him know,” Thomas said as he stepped onto the porch. I guess I had the answer I’d waited weeks to hear.

“Wait a minute,” I called as he took the first step.

“Yes?”

“He doesn’t have a job. How can he offer me so much money?”

“Did you forget he has rich relatives?”

“Oh, I didn’t think about that.”

I leaned against the closed door, but even that couldn’t keep me on my feet. I slid to the floor to wait for the pain to subside. “It’ll be okay,” I said to my baby. “I’ll always take care of you.” I had no idea what I would tell my son about his father’s absence. I could only hope I would be enough for him so that he wouldn’t feel the void.

*

I had pulled myself together by the time Ethan and Charlie dropped Peyton off after their trip to the zoo. We made dinner together, played her favorite board game, and then I read to her for a while before she drifted off to sleep. I kissed her soft cheek and then went downstairs to where I’d left my phone sitting beside the couch.

“Hello,” the happy voice answered. I had to remember that Marina was one of the best actresses in the world. She could easily pretend to be my friend while stabbing me in the back.

“Hey.”

“Madison?”

“Did you give Sawyer money?” I didn’t have any desire to make small talk.

“Yes. Why?”

“I appreciate everything you’ve done for Peyton and me, but I never want to speak to you again.”

I hung up the phone and dialed another number.

“Sawyer, it’s Madison,” I said into the voicemail. “I wish you would have just told me it was over instead of sending your brother to do it for you. Since you don’t have the balls to say it, I will. It’s over.”

I threw the phone on the nearby end table. I almost didn’t look when it rang again less than a minute later. I was surprised to see Aaron’s name on the screen.

“Hello?” I cringed when I heard the residual anger in my voice.

“Madison? It’s Aaron Perkins. Are you okay?”

“Sorry about that; I’ve had a rough day. What’s up?”

“Two things—first I wanted to tell you that Hailey Fox’s social work license was revoked today.”

“That’s great news,” I said. I just wished there was a way to punish Kristy for all of this, too. “What’s the second thing?”

“I want to ask you for a favor, but it might not be appropriate.”

“It’s fine, really.” I owed him more than I could ever repay, so I would do just about anything in my power to help him.

“Well, I know it’s last minute, but the firm is having a Christmas party tomorrow evening. I was wondering if you would like to come with me.”

“I’m sorry, Aaron. I’m still not in a place where I can date. I think I’m even more messed up than I was before.”

“What if it’s not a date? Maybe I just need a beautiful woman on my arm to keep the vultures away.”

I didn’t have to feel guilty about spending time with him, since I was officially over with Sawyer. Maybe this could be my first baby-step toward moving on. I had photographic proof that Sawyer had already taken a leap in that direction. I was sure Nana wouldn’t have a problem watching Peyton. I didn’t have to worry about Peyton going to school on Monday since it was winter break. “I think I can do that.”

“Great, I’ll pick you up at six.”

“See you then.”

Sawyer

I spent my first full day in Indiana shopping for Christmas presents for Peyton and spent the entire evening trying my best to wrap them neatly. I found Madison’s present in the drawer of my nightstand and placed it in a small, rectangular box. I carefully folded silver paper around the box and then wrote her name on it.

My phone rang a few minutes after I had finished.

“Hello?”

“What did you do?” The anger in my sister’s voice resonated through my entire body.

“I haven’t done anything.” I was completely clueless as to why she would be so upset.

“Then why did Madison call me last night saying she never wanted to speak to me again?”

My heart stalled. “I have no idea what you’re talking about—and why are you just now telling me?”

“I had to wait until I calmed down enough to not kill your dumb ass through the phone.” If that was calm, I would hate to see what she was like the night before. “You’d better figure it out. I’ll be damned if I lose my friend and my niece and nephew over your stupidity.”

“I’ve gotta go.” It was time to confess my sin. I prayed I wasn’t too late.

“Figure it out!” she yelled before slamming down the phone. I wondered if she’d intentionally called me from her landline just so she could punctuate her anger.

I shoved my phone in my pocket and loaded the packages in the car. Christmas was still a few days away, but I wanted to have them with me tonight just in case it was my last chance.

I sped to Madison’s house only to find all of the windows dark. I parked across the street and waited for a little while. I finally decided to leave the presents behind the short brick wall on her front porch so they couldn’t be seen from the road. I would have to come back to talk to her, but at least she would know I was back.

I sat in my truck and stared at the house that been the backdrop for most of my favorite memories. My fingers were beginning to go numb from the cold when a brand new BMW pulled up in front of the house.

A clean-cut guy in an expensive suit stepped out of the car and walked around to open the passenger side door. He reached in and helped a beautiful brunette—my beautiful brunette—from her seat.

I had to force myself to stay in my car. Causing a scene wasn’t the way to get her back. I watched as he walked her to the porch and then held both of her hands in his. Neither of them seemed to notice the pile of gifts I’d left. I couldn’t take it anymore when he leaned in to kiss her goodnight. I started the engine and sped away.

*