Never Turn Back (5 page)

“Still, parents leaving their baby girl…”

“Meri, I told you, life here is hard.”

“I didn’t think it was
that
hard.”

§

Meri’s fourth lesson: Dreams and cheese spoil.

Meri held on to the small chunk of Camembert cheese wrapped neatly in her coat pocket.
I never know when I might get hungry and the cheese will come in handy
, she justified to herself every time she thought about eating it or sharing it with Elina or Tuula. Before long her coat took on a strange, pungent odor.

Back at the apartment, she wrapped the cheese in more layers of paper, hoping to quell the now unpleasant aroma. Meri never considered that something she purchased so long ago might be inedible.
Everything is salvageable and wasting anything is unthinkable.
The Vaarsaras prided themselves on their thriftiness.

On a day when Meri decided not to venture out and again be rejected for fashion design work, she and her coat remained in Apartment 3C. Elina came in from her “school” at the neighborhood Catholic church where nuns instructed young children in both sacred and secular studies.

“Whew! Something smells stinky in here.” Elina squeezed her nose with her thumb and forefinger. She checked the chamber pot and trash bin to see if they needed to be emptied. “Hmmm? Both are clean.”

Meri quickly glanced at her coat on the row of hooks near the door. She knew the source of the smell. She casually walked to the coat rack while Elina looked under the settee. Grabbing her coat, she said, “Elina, I’ll be right back. I must pick something up at the grocer’s.”

“Oh. Fine.”

Meri went down the stairs and into an alley close by. She finally unwrapped the several-weeks-old cheese. Hard and multi-colored, it did not resemble the delicious Camembert she remembered from her first day in Paris. “What was I thinking?” Meri said to the moldy, noxious, cement-like thing in her hand. “I’m so greedy and selfish. Tuula and Elina have shown me nothing but kindness.” She threw the rancid mess on the ground. Birds flocked to it, then, just as promptly, flew away without touching a morsel. Even the scavengers wanted nothing to do with the rotten cheese.

Meri did not have much money left from what she brought with her from Finland and the little bit of money Kaija had given to her.
Paris is an expensive place to start a new life—especially without a new job in a fancy fashion design house.
She had rent to pay and food to buy. Every day she stopped at a café for lunch. Her shoes had worn out from all the walking she had done, so she paid to have them re-soled. Her slight frame wasn’t quite so slight, due to the wonderful French bread and other foods she simply had to sample—foods so fine, delicious, and delicate; food she never would have found in Finland. So she had to buy a new dress when her old dress no longer fit, and she couldn’t let it out anymore.

Every Franc was precious to her now. But that did not stop her from entering the local grocer’s shop and buying a wedge of fresh Camembert cheese, enough to share with her friends.

Meri plodded up the stairs to Apartment 3C, feeling the weightiness of the decision she had just made.
I have to let go of more than moldy old cheese.
My dream of working as a dress designer and maker in the Paris fashion district is foolish.
Her need for independence and her dwindling savings woke her up to the fact that the time had come to find another way to build a respectable life in Paris.

But it had to be on her terms.

“I’ll give you a lot of credit, Meri. I didn’t last four months, getting rejected for acting and singing jobs. How can you bear going out to those fashion businesses every day?” Tuula savored the Camembert, a rare treat in their household.

Elina too, enjoyed the cheese and day-old bread.

“The lace work alone on my dress is masterful. I thought at least one fashion designer or astute couture in all of Paris would eventually recognize my talents.” Meri made sure she ate her fair share of the precious cheese.

“You’re a skilled seamstress, Meri, but your Finnish accent and looks work against you. These Parisians will never let you work among them no matter how talented you are.”

Meri nodded her head. “It’s true.” At Meri’s request, the three spoke mostly French to minimize Meri’s Finnish accent.
I wish I knew how to look more Parisian
, Meri thought.

“Why, Mamma? I’m a Parisian and I like Meri.” Elina stuffed another piece of bread and cheese in her mouth waiting for an answer. She crossed her arms over her chest as she chewed.

“Elina, not every Parisian is so…so,” Tuula searched for a word other than “judgmental” or “prejudiced,” thinking Elina would not understand their meanings.

“Pigheaded?” Elina offered.

Meri smiled.

Tuula frowned. “I suppose so.
Blind
is more what I had in mind.”

Elina nodded. “I’m not blind, Mamma. I’m not pigheaded, either. I think Meri is the best seamstress in the world. Did you see the dresses she made for my dolls? She made them all by hand from bits and pieces of old clothes. She turns old rags into new dresses!”

“
Oui
, I’ve seen your dolls’ new clothes. They’re beautiful. I hope you thanked Meri for making them.” Tuula sliced the remaining cheese in three equal portions. They each took one last piece of the velvety rich cheese.

Elina was about to respond to her mother, but Meri preempted her. “Elina showed much appreciation. You’ve raised a polite little girl.”

Elina beamed.

Tuula nodded in silent thanks.

Meri continued. “I was happy to practice my sewing skills, which, I fear, won’t be needed for anything here but doll dresses or my mending my clothes.” Meri’s voice was flat; not angry or disappointed, just matter-of-fact.

“What do you mean?” Elina and Tuula spoke at the same time, their eyes as big as their open mouths. Tuula spoke. “Meri, I’ve never seen anyone so determined as you to make a dream come true. Are you giving up?”

“At least for now. I’ve been to every fashion house and dressmaker in Paris. Each one rejected me. The one time I had a chance to show my lace dress to a fashion house owner, he wanted me to work for his wife as a nanny. He even gave me his personal information.” Meri got up and pulled the paper from her coat pocket, where she kept it at all times. She had folded it and took to fondling it as she rested on park benches between rejections, so it had grown soft and worn.

Tuula looked at the paper in awe. “Have you contacted Monsieur Dorval or his wife?”

Meri bowed her head and then shook it once. “He gave this to me two months ago. He wouldn’t remember me.”

“He might!”

“
Non.
But he gave me an idea. I took care of my baby brother, Jani. Maybe the Parisians trust Finns with their homes and children more than they do with their clothes.”

§

Meri’s job search thus far had been easy. She just went to the Fashion District and knocked on doors. Finding work as an au pair or a housemaid was a different story. She had Monsieur Dorval’s information, but pride prevented her from contacting him.
He’s already found someone by now, anyway
.

Tuula offered to ask her nightly clientele about possible openings for domestic work. Meri declined the offer. “You’re very kind, but I don’t want to bother you.” She didn’t finish her thought,
And I don’t want to work for men who are morally corrupt.

Meri began asking Finns in the neighborhood about possible work. Some said they would keep their ears open. Others shook their heads and turned her away. Meri suspected they knew about jobs, but wanted to save them for their family or friends.

Sitting at a local café one morning, enjoying the one thing she could afford: a cup of coffee, Meri encountered the woman who would become her best friend and savior.

The café was crowded. A young woman approached Meri’s table and asked, “May I sit with you?” Meri looked around and nodded.

The woman smiled as she sat down. “This is a busy morning.”

“
Oui
.” Meri was polite but not engaging.

“It’s very kind of you to let me join you. May I buy you a croissant to go with your coffee?”

“
Non, Merci
.” Meri blushed, feeling her poverty next to this woman’s generosity.

“
S'il vous plaît
. I insist. We Finns must stick together!” The woman gently touched Meri’s forearm and smiled.

“How did you know?” Meri’s eyes widened.

The woman’s grin never wavered. “I know. You know. Finns are Finns no matter where we go. How about a croissant?”

“If you insist.
Merci
.” Meri tried to learn something about her new breakfast company.
She’s not rich, but she’s got more money than I do. Her hair is styled in a modern “Flapper” look. She’s classy, I think. Her make-up is understated, and her dress is simple and demure. I like her style, especially her bright scarf. I bet it’s silk. She’s not pretty like a model, but something about her is attractive. Her personality, perhaps? She smells mildly fresh, too, not like a big bouquet of flowers shoved in my nose. I like her.

While waiting for the food, the woman began talking, “I don’t know about you but I can’t abide silence in the company of people perfectly able to carry on a conversation.” She waited. Meri kept quiet, mostly wondering what this woman would do next. The woman shrugged. “Okay…well, my name is Siri. What’s yours?”

“Meri.”

“Nice to meet you, Meri! How long have you been in Paris?”

“Four months.”

“You’ve hardly got your bearings yet, poor dear! I’ve been here
forever
. Three years. Don’t you love Paris?” Siri leaned into the table and the conversation.

“Paris isn’t exactly what I hoped it would be, but I’ll never go back to Finland.” Meri sat back in her chair.

“That’s a shame. What do you do, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Silence.

Siri nodded and patted Meri on her hand. “You’re still looking, aren’t you?” Siri waved her hand in the air. “Nothing to be ashamed of. Finding work isn’t easy, especially for immigrants.”

This woman seems to know a great deal and is fond of touching strangers.

Meri’s pride bruised, she lashed out. “How would you know? You seem to be doing perfectly well for yourself!”

“Oh dear, I upset you. Sometimes my nose is as big as an elephant’s…and just as likely to end up probing the wrong place. A hazard of the trade, I’m afraid. You see, I work for the Finnish Embassy and spend all day trying to fix problems for Finns here in Paris. It’s hard for me to leave my work behind.” She settled back in her chair and looked smaller.

Meri leaned toward the table. “You work for the Finnish Embassy? In Paris? What do you do?”

“I’m just a lowly secretary. One of my jobs is opening letters. Some of those letters are from people asking for help. I see the kinds of problems our people have in this city. My bosses are the
real
problem-solvers. Sometimes I get to see how they fix the problems when I type up reply letters or make phone calls.”

The food arrived and the women talked while eating. Meri told Siri her abbreviated life story. She happened to be as good at listening as talking. At the end of their breakfast, they exchanged home addresses and parted.

“I promise, if I learn of any work in either the Fashion District or for a domestic position, I’ll come to your apartment and let you know immediately.”

“
Merci
, Siri. I’m very happy the café was crowed today.”

“I am, too! We’ll talk soon, Meri. Before you know it, you’ll be working and Paris will start feeling like home.” Siri gave Meri a big hug. While embracing her, Siri whispered, “Keep practicing your French. Getting rid of your Finnish accent will help. You just might do it if you try hard enough.”

Meri broke the embrace, not used to such closeness from such a new acquaintance. “I hope so, Siri.”

“I know so, Meri.”

§

Not even a week had passed and Siri reappeared in Meri’s life with a rapid-fire knock at the apartment door in the early evening.

Elina answered, “
Hei
.”

“
Hei!
Is this where Meri Vaarsara lives?”

“
Juu
, but I’m not allowed to let strangers in.”

Siri laughed. “Well, close the door and tell Meri her friend, Siri, is waiting to give her wonderful news.”

“Oh, if you’re Meri’s friend, then you’re not a stranger, especially if you have good news for her. Meri needs good news.” Elina opened the door and let Siri in.

Meri heard the exchange at the door and was already standing to greet Siri.

“Meri, you didn’t tell me you had a daughter,” Siri whispered. Her normally smooth forehead was lined with what Meri’s Grandmamma used to call “worry-wrinkles.”

“That’s because I don’t have a daughter. Elina is Tuula’s daughter—my friend with whom I share this apartment. Right, Elina?” She spoke French, not Finnish. “And we speak only French in this apartment.” Meri looked at Elina and winked.

The girl nodded. “Right, but you’re like my second Mamma, Meri.”

Siri let out an audible sigh and smiled.

“What’s this wonderful news, Siri?” Meri tapped her foot.

“Am I allowed to sit down and have something to drink first? I just walked from work, and I’m tired and thirsty.”

“Sorry. Elina, please get Siri some wine and whatever food we have to offer.”

While Elina was making unnecessarily loud noises in the kitchen, Meri pressed Siri for information.

“It’s not a job in the fashion industry, but it’s still a great opportunity.”

Meri kept her head nodding as if nodding would pull the information out of Siri quicker, like a pump pulls water out of a well.

“Have you heard of the brand new hotel built this year—the
Hôtel Raphael
? It’s close by—near the
Champs-Élysées, on Avenue Kléber.”

“
Oui
, in all my walking I’ve seen a large construction project. Is that the hotel?”

Siri nodded. “Today I opened some correspondence about their need for maids.”

Meri frowned.

“I know this job doesn’t sound glamorous, but it’s a luxury hotel for rich people from around the world and from Paris. Perhaps you’ll find a family who wants a private au pair? You’ll be surrounded by wealthy people.”

Meri warmed to the idea. “I suppose it’s a place to start. I’m running low on money…”

“Good! I grabbed an application for you.” She pulled a piece of paper out of her handbag. “Complete and sign this form. Then bring it to the hotel manager’s office tomorrow. You’ll be one of the first. I could tell from the letter they’re just beginning the process of filling jobs.”

“Siri, won’t they find it strange that I already have an application?”

“
Non.
Tell them you visited the Finnish Embassy yesterday inquiring about jobs and found out about this opportunity. It’s all true except for you being at the Embassy.” Siri winked at Elina.

Elina clapped her hands in delight. Then they smiled at each other.

Meri took the application. Because it was in French, she needed both Elina and Siri to help her complete it properly.

“Put on your best face tomorrow, Meri.” Siri said, “I know this isn’t what you came to Paris to do, but think of this job as a stepping stone. You never know where you will go from here. I’ll keep looking for work in the fashion industry. Don’t give up on your dreams.”

“
Merci
, Siri.” Meri
was
grateful for the job.
My savings are nearly gone. Now I can stay in Paris and still be a respectable woman. I’m used to housework, having grown up with a Mamma who treated me like “the help” while my brothers and sisters played and had fun. It’s not what I want to do, but I know how to do this type of work. I’d rather be a maid in a hotel than go back to Finland as a poor woman with only a silly, broken dream in my pocket.