New Beginnings (3 page)

I climbed into bed and tossed and turned for what felt like hours. Finally giving up on sleep, I flipped the bedside light on and noticed my iPad sitting on the nightstand. I didn’t see it earlier. He knew I hated being without it. Tears welled up in my eyes. If he was thoughtful enough to know that I would want my iPad to read with, then he couldn’t possibly be thinking of dumping me. So what was his problem?

I grabbed my iPad and turned on the cellular data. Once it connected, I opened Safari and did a search for signs your relationship is in trouble. I was amazed at all the articles that popped up. There were so many articles about how to recognize the signs that your relationship is doomed. I stifled a yawn and fought my heavy lids as I read through one article’s many warning signs.

I became aware of Xavier’s arms lifting me to place me back under the covers, but I made no indication that he had jostled me awake. I peeked up at him once he had me tucked in. In the muted light coming from the hall, I saw him grab my iPad. He paused before he placed it on the nightstand. Hitting the home button, he brought it out of sleep mode. Belatedly, I remembered the search I had done. Safari was still up with the articles about doomed relationships. I heard him inhale sharply. “Oh, Ella,” he said softly.

He shut my iPad off and placed it on the nightstand. Gently, he brushed my hair back and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I was waiting to feel the dip of the mattress indicating that he was climbing into bed, but it never came. He must’ve headed back out to the living area. Damn it, Xavier. What is wrong? Feeling exhausted, I soon drifted into a troubled sleep.

The next morning, I woke early with a throbbing headache. Rolling out of bed, I stumbled into the bathroom in search of some acetaminophen. I stopped short at the unexpected sight of my prescription bottle of pain meds innocently sitting on the bathroom counter. The same pills that I needed for the concussion I had received after being slammed into the SUV when Stewart tackled Stephen, who was wielding a gun at Xavier and me. The pills I still sometimes needed for headaches. The pills Xavier was kind enough to remember to bring just in case I would need them.

As I exited the bathroom, I froze on the threshold of the bedroom. Xavier’s side of the bed was completely untouched. There was something about the unruffled bedspread and perfectly placed pillow that caused a pain to slice through me. Crushed, I climbed back into the bed, curled up on my side, and drifted back to sleep.

I didn’t wake again until almost noon. My head was feeling better and I was starving. I rolled over only to find Xavier’s side of the bed still untouched. Suddenly, I wasn’t so hungry.

Climbing out of bed, I put on the matching robe and set out for the living room. There was Xavier exactly where I left him. He was sitting at the breakfast bar typing on his laptop. I wanted to go over to him and snuggle up behind him, but I didn’t think a move so intimate would be welcomed given his mood the last twelve hours. Instead, I made my way into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

“Good morning,” I said quietly.

“Good morning,” he said. His voice was devoid of any emotion. He didn’t break eye contact with his laptop.

“Are you hungry? Can I fix you anything?” I asked as I prepared my tea.

“I’ve already eaten,” he replied flatly.

Oh. I turned around to face him. Leaning my hip into the counter, I gently blew into the hot cup in my hands before taking a sip. The smell of my favorite chai spiced tea filled my nose. My eyes roamed into the great room. I spotted a rumbled blanket and pillow on the U-shaped couch. The sight of it pissed me off. I focused back on Xavier and glared at him. “Are you going to ignore me all weekend?”

“I’m not ignoring you,” he said. He still refused to make eye contact with me.

I set my tea down to refrain from throwing it across the room to gain his attention. Walking over to the bar, I stopped before him. I pushed the top of his laptop down forcing him to pull his hands back. Once his hands were clear, I slammed the laptop shut. “You have refused to look me in the eye since we left the restaurant last night. You never came to bed, and your answers have been short and slightly bitchy. What the fuck is going on?” I demanded.

He glared up at me. I searched his eyes for some kind of clue concerning his mood, but all I saw was pain. Damn! This had to be because of the way I acted at the wedding yesterday. He remained quiet.

“Did I do something wrong? Did I say something that pissed you off? Tell me. At least give me the opportunity to apologize.” I paused for a moment. “Have you changed your mind about us?”

His hurt-filled eyes locked with mine. “Is that what you think? You think I don’t want to be with you anymore? Tell me, Ella. Do you think our relationship is doomed? Did you find any answers with your little Google search last night?” he asked angrily.

“I don’t know what to think. You’ve been ignoring me since we left the restaurant. You tell me we need to talk, but all you’ve done is blow me off.” I threw my hands up completely exasperated.

He leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms over his broad chest. “Here’s what I think. I think you don’t want to lose me, but you don’t want to marry me either.” He set his mouth in a hard line and continued to glare at me.

“What?” I whispered, stunned. “What do you mean I don’t want to marry you?”

“Ella, we’ve been engaged for two months now. You haven’t once talked to me about any kind of wedding plans. No talk about setting a date. No mention of looking for a dress. Nothing.”

So he was waiting for me to start talking about planning our wedding, because he hasn’t said anything to me about it either. Opening my mouth to argue that point, he quickly cut me off with a wave of his hand. “I saw the way you reacted yesterday with all the doubt and the fear clearly etched on your face. I looked at you and told you I loved you and you turned white. After the ceremony, when I whispered in your ear how I couldn’t wait to hear you say I do to me, all I saw was shear terror in your eyes. I don’t doubt that you love me, Ella, but I am seriously doubting if you’ll ever be able to marry me.” He got up from the breakfast bar. “I need a shower then I’m going out with Stewart. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but Marissa is at the house down the road. Call her if you need anything.”

He turned to walk away from me. I shot around the breakfast bar and grabbed his arm. “Wait!” I demanded. “Do I not get the opportunity to respond?”

He easily pulled his arm out of my grasp and spun around to face me. “No, you don’t. You need to take this time to think long and hard about what you want. I love you, Ella. I want to marry you like I’ve never wanted anyone else before, but I don’t think you can commit to me completely, that you can trust me with your heart 100%. If you can’t, then we need to figure out what needs to happen to get you there, because I’m going to lose my mind if I have to keep waiting for you. But if you think you can do that, if you think you can trust me, then we need to start planning some kind of a wedding.”

He grabbed my upper arms and kissed me before I could say anything. His lips were soft as he urgently crushed his mouth to mine. When he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close against his warm body, I ran my hands from his waist up to his back and shoulders. Within seconds he was squeezing me tight against him, forcing our bodies together so there was no space left between us. When his hands started running restlessly over my satin chemise, I dove my hands under his t-shirt desperate to feel the softness of his bare skin. Without any warning, he broke away, turned, and then marched down the hall to the bedroom. Without so much as a second glance, he roughly closed the door behind him.

I stood in the hall momentarily stunned. My mouth was hanging open, my breaths were coming out in pants, and my lips were tingling from his urgent kiss. I struggled to bring my body back down from the Xavier high it was currently on.

Slowly, I headed back to the kitchen on unsteady legs. Since my cup of tea was now cold, I placed it in the microwave for a minute to heat it back up. An annoying vibrating noise came from behind me. My pocketbook was sitting on the breakfast bar. It was my cell phone obnoxiously vibrating inside. I quickly grabbed it only to find that a restricted number was calling me again. I answered it and said hello several times, but after a few minutes the line went dead. What the hell?

The microwave dinged. Grabbing my tea, I headed into the great room and curled up on the U-shaped couch. As I stared off into space, I tried to assemble my scattered thoughts. I could feel the desperation in Xavier’s kiss that he tried to convey without words. He wanted me. He wanted to possess me in every way humanly possible—mind, body, and soul. I wanted to give that to him so much, too. I just needed to get past my fear of getting hurt. Xavier has never given me any reason to believe that he would hurt me in anyway. He’s only given me reassurances on how much he loves me and wants me. But what about the fear of losing him to any circumstances that was beyond our control? Stephen was still out there, and I didn’t know what he was capable of. The very thought scared the hell out of me. If I lost him, I would lose myself in the process.

“Ella?” Xavier asked softly.

I jumped and nearly spilled my tea. He was standing in the hall dressed for the outdoors with his climbing shoes on.

“I’ll be back later today. Stewart and I will have our phones with us, but I’m not sure if we’ll have service all the time. If you need anything, please contact Marissa first.” He gave me a small smile.

“Okay. Have fun. I’ll see you later,” I said quietly.

When I made no move to get up from the couch, he headed over to me. Stopping before me, he bent to kiss me softly on the lips. He straightened and without another word, headed out the door. I went to the window and watched him pull away in my silver SUV. I let out a deep sigh. I glanced up at the grey sky. It wasn’t raining yet. I decided to go for a hike myself hoping that the cool air might help clear my head.

I followed the one path behind Xavier’s house into the forest. We had only been on this path a few times, so I didn’t want to venture too far from the house. After fifteen minutes of walking, I located an area that had a few big rocks just off the path. Slick, green moss covered one whole side of the rocks. The tall pine trees obscured most of the light from the cloudy sky. Bright green ferns were scattered about. As I walked toward the rocks, a damp, musty smell was released from the soft ground. Leaning up against one of the rocks, I tried to figure out what the hell was going on with me.

Everything was happening so fast with Xavier. After what happened with Stephen, my trust in any relationship with a man had been shaken. Badly. Xavier has never given me any reason not to trust him, though. But it scares me to think what could happen if Xavier had an affair. It would kill me. I don’t know how Renatta has survived two failed marriages, and yet here she was on her third. Maybe I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.

Sadly, I glanced down at my engagement ring. Xavier was hurting thinking I couldn’t fully commit to him. I needed to trust in him and in myself to know that we were meant for each other. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t making a mistake. Our relationship wasn’t a mistake. I wanted to be his wife as much as he wanted to have me as his wife. I needed to stop fearing the unknown. I needed to show him that I was ready to make that commitment to him before it was too late.

It was starting to drizzle. I could hear the raindrops hitting the trees way above my head while only a few drops managed to escape the thick canopy of pine branches. The hard rocks became uncomfortable as the cold from them began to seep through my clothes causing me to shiver. I glanced at my watch. I was surprised to see that I had been gone for almost two hours. I needed to get back to the house. I had a wedding to plan. Suddenly, I had a strong desire to search for a wedding dress. I pushed off the rock, walking determinedly back to the trail that led to the house.

I had the hood up on my jacket, but that didn’t stop the fine, cool mist from swirling around my face. In an attempt to better avoid the wet breeze, I kept my head down as I approached the back of the house. If it weren’t for the annoying mist, I would have missed the fresh, huge footprints at the back of the door and under all the windows looking into the kitchen and great room.

My stomach flipped as my breathing accelerated. I whipped my hood off and spun all around. Frozen to the spot, I listened to see if I could hear anything or see anyone. Whoever had been at the house didn’t appear to be here anymore. I carefully looked at the lock to make sure no one tried to break in. It appeared undamaged. I fumbled in my pocket for the key and quickly unlocked the door.

My pocketbook was undisturbed on the breakfast bar. I quickly grabbed my iPhone and called Marissa. Within minutes, the black BMW flew up the driveway and came to a screeching halt at the front door. She made it to the house in record time. While examining the entire exterior of the house, she took photos of the footprints, and checked all the windows and doors to make sure everything was secured. She stayed with me until Xavier and Stewart made it back.

I had just gotten out of the shower when I heard Xavier calling my name. I opened the bedroom door and hollered letting him know where I was. It took only a few seconds for his long, urgent strides to carry him down the hall. Before I could say anything he was wrapped around me like a security blanket. While I rested my head on his chest, I could feel his frantic heartbeat against my cheek.

“Thank God. Are you all right?” He pulled back and cupped my face in his hands. His wide eyes were full of fear as they searched mine. “I’m so sorry, Ella. The way I left you … I was so angry. It was stupid. If I’d known you’d be in any kind of danger I never would’ve left,” he said apologetically.

Turning away from me, he shook his head disgusted with himself. “My God,” he mumbled, fisting his hands in his hair. “It’s like Heather all over again. I swore I would never leave you angry and yet that’s exactly what I did,” he said, pacing in front of me.