New Beginnings (New Beginnings Series) (7 page)

“Can you manage going down?”

“I’ll manage. What would you like?”

“You can bring up what you like, but I guess I should have a bowl of the onion and garlic soup. I always keep some on hand, just in case.”

Sam stood up from the bed and opened the door to the other room. He was looking for the trap door when he heard Sara say, “It’s under the mat, by the bed.” Sure enough, the mat was attached to it so when closed, it still hid the door. “You’ll need the lantern,” she called to him again.

He came back into the room and agreed, “It is dark in the cellar.” It was a little difficult at first to hold the lantern and step down to the top rung of the ladder. With the pain in his leg he had tried to avoid such movement, but now found it necessary. Slowly he made his way down, the pain jolting through him as he bent his knee, but finally he stepped on the dirt floor.

He found the shelves with the few provisions on them. There really wasn’t much left, several jars of the soup, a small pile of potatoes and carrots and a few jars of a canned meat, probably chicken, he thought. He wondered for a moment how he was going to manage to go back up the ladder and carry a supply of food. He found a basket with a rope attached, that went up to and was knotted on the door. He filled the basket with a few things and as he removed them from the shelf, saw the other exit. He could picture Sara in his mind, making a hurried escape through the door whenever a visitor arrived unannounced. He went back up the stairs and pulled the basket up behind him, then carried everything into the other room. He was a little disappointed when he saw Sara was sleeping, but decided he would have to do this on his own.

It really wasn’t as difficult as he thought it might be. There wasn’t much to do other than heat up what was already prepared and boil a few potatoes and carrots, but it gave him a feeling of satisfaction. He was hungry and ate a little while he waited for Sara to wake again. He watched her as she slept. How peaceful she looked. She had changed so much since the first time he met her and he couldn’t help but wonder why.

Night had fallen when her eyes opened and he could see she looked more rested when she woke this time. She pulled herself up in the bed a little and Sam went over to help her sit.

“It looks like you managed all right,” she said as he went to the stove and poured the soup from the pot into a bowl.

“It really wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be.” He set the soup on the table and continued, “You can use the board I used when I was here.” He reached behind the chair and found it remained where he put it two weeks before.

“I’d like to try and sit at the table. It shouldn’t be too early.” Sara slowly moved her legs out from under the covers. She wore the new gown he found in the closet and it gave her a refreshed look.

Sam hesitated for a moment, really wondering if this was a good thing, or if she was doing this too soon. He came to the conclusion Sara did this before and must decide on her own, but then she said something he hadn’t thought to consider.

“Sam, I have to use the outhouse.” Her look was one of embarrassment and shyness and he felt it was the same look returned to her.

He looked out the window and saw the little building. It wasn’t terribly far away, but the snow was deep between it and the cabin. It was also dark and very cold out. There must be a better solution. Suddenly he remembered what Lily said about preparing a toileting area in the other room.

Sara smiled and nodded, knowing the doctor’s wife would have thought of such things.

Sam helped her walk into the next room and was surprised at how weak she really was, her legs were unsteady, but she insisted on complete privacy. He wouldn’t leave her until she promised if she needed help, she would call.

 
When she looked into his eyes to give him her word, she saw something she hadn’t seen for a long time and she wasn’t sure it was a good thing.

She returned to the kitchen, holding onto the doorframe for support. Sam was surprised she agreed she wasn’t ready to sit at the table and he helped her back into bed. She ate her bowl of soup and drank a cup of tea and he didn’t have to convince her to lie down.

He took to his domestic duties readily, in fact eagerly and after he tidied up the dishes and Sara slept, he took on the task of finding himself a bed. He went into the other room again, but it was cold and for some reason, uninviting. A down-filled duvet covered the bed and he decided if he folded it in half, it would make a comfortable mattress. The kitchen didn’t have much extra room, but if there was, he probably would have found another excuse to put the makeshift bed right next to hers. He found a few books on a shelf, most written by Charles Dickens, a favourite writer of his and he selected one. Thinking he wouldn’t sleep even if she did, he wanted to have every minute he could with Sara.

He sat on the duvet with his back against the bed and started
A Christmas Carol,
one of the few Dickens’ books he hadn’t read before. The lantern sat on the floor so it gave him light but would not disturb Sara. After he read for a while, he felt a hand softly touching the curls at the back of his neck, gently putting each strand into place. He quietly closed his book, being careful not to move for he did not want her to stop.

She continued, as she spoke, “Willie used to sit there and I would arrange the curls on the back of his neck, just like this.”

Sam turned toward her and saw the tears glistening on her cheeks. He couldn’t help but take her hand and give it a gentle kiss before he said, “Tell me about it, Sara.”

He thought for a moment she didn’t want to tell the secrets of her life, but after a pause she started to tell him something she had never spoken of before. He continued to hold her hand, occasionally placing it against his lips, not saying a word as he listened.

“It seems like so long ago William and I came from New Brunswick, when Willie was a boy. I had our second baby before we got here, in Winnipeg, but we lost her a few weeks later. I brought a lock of her hair to be buried at our new home. Finally we arrived here and Will worked so hard to build the cabin. He was so proud and excited about building it with his own hands. Doc Brown said we should try for more family and William said soon we would fill it with babies. But sadly soon the twins Joshua and Jacob and then Jennie rested in the little cemetery. It broke my heart so much and William’s too and we decided we would not have any more children. But once again I got pregnant. Doc Brown said he would write to the universities to try and find the answer so maybe we could save this baby. It took a long time to get an answer but eventually he heard from a doctor in Philadelphia. He said something was probably wrong with my blood and it killed the babies. He said he saw it before, the first baby lives, but the others are not strong enough. The night Doc told us, William slept in this bed beside Willie. He didn’t want to sleep with me anymore. He didn’t want me anymore. One night I lay down on this bed, hoping for his company but he wouldn’t join me and I’ve slept here alone ever since.”

The tears still fell and Sam could feel the years of pain that filled Sara. He wanted so much to show her she was not alone now and carefully lifted the blankets and slid in beside her, holding her tightly. By this simple action Sara felt a sense of peace, for in one motion she felt forgiven for her inadequacies.

They were quiet for a while, her head resting on his shoulder and he could feel the dampness of her tears in the dark. Finally he spoke, “Sara, I should tell you who I am.”

“I know who you are, Sam Fielding. You are the owner of the bank, the saloon and the hotel in Grand Valley, although I heard you moved everything to Brandon. You are probably the richest man west of Winnipeg and maybe the loneliest.”

Sam pulled away, to look her in the face, “When did you recognize me?”

“When I helped you off your horse. Why do you think I didn’t know who you were?”

“Sara, it was my saloon where William spent so much time, it was my hotel where he spent so many nights and it was when I called in his loan he was killed. I should have realized what was going on out here. I should have stopped William. It’s because of me, he was killed. You should hate me, Sara.”

“William lost all desire to live when Willie died. The team was a gift from my parents when we left home. I wouldn’t let him take them to pay off a gambling debt. I’m as much to blame for his death as you are, in fact more. If I could have given him more children, maybe losing Willie wouldn’t have been his ruin.”

They lay quietly together for a while, until Sam asked, “Why did you say I am probably the loneliest man west of Winnipeg?”

“Because you are here with me, when you could be anywhere, with anyone you want, right now.”

“And who is Sara Gardiner?”

“Probably the loneliest woman this side of Winnipeg.”

They stayed quiet, holding each other and feeling the truth spoken this night in a quiet cabin surrounded by winter on the cold Canadian prairie.

Chapter Six

They stayed together through the night, not saying a word, occasionally listening to the even breathing as the other slept. They both held onto each other, not wanting the morning to come. Eventually they slept and neither woke until the morning sun was shining through the south window. The fire had burned itself out in the stove and it was getting cold enough they were starting to see the fog a warm breath created.

Sam made a dash to the range and as quickly as possible filled it with wood and kindling then started the fire. He was wearing his one-piece winter underwear and socks, but the cold seemed to go right through them. He rushed back to the bed, threw the down duvet over Sara and climbed in under the covers beside her, hugging her close. “Brrr,” he shivered, “It’s cold out there. We better give it time to warm up.”

Sara held him tightly in return, to try and share her warmth. Sam leaned on one elbow so he looked down into those blue eyes, running a finger over a rosy cheek to her chin. They looked at each other deeply, longingly, until he couldn’t stop himself and gently placed his lips over hers. His mouth opened and as her lips parted, his tongue softly found its reward. She had read about kisses like this, in one of those books good girls aren’t supposed to read, but she never experienced one until now. It felt like electricity moved between them, surging through her and she passionately returned the touch, unable to stop. Sara’s fingers tangled into his hair and pulled him closer. His lips moved to follow the smoothness of her skin travelling upward to a cool ear, which he warmed with a breath, then moved slowly following down along her neck.

A quiet moan escaped her lips, which suddenly brought her back to reality and pulling back she said, “Sam, we can’t!”

Without looking up he answered, “I know we can’t Sara, not now.”

“No,” she continued, “I mean we can’t, ever!”

He looked up questioningly, but he saw the answer as her eyes welled with tears. He gently kissed each and tasted the saltiness. He lay back, pulling Sara close to him, feeling it hurt her as much as it did him.

After the room was starting to warm, Sam pushed back the covers and said he was going to put on the coffee pot and find something for breakfast. He pulled on his pants and shirt and sat back on the bed to put on his shoes. Sara placed a gentle hand on his back and said quietly, “I’m sorry, Sam”

He turned to her and gave a slight smile, “I understand. It’s fine,” and leaned to her and shared the most tender kiss she had ever known.

But she knew it really wasn’t all right. She knew Sam was disappointed and stayed quiet as he started looking for something to prepare. As he searched through the cupboards again, Sara quietly got out of bed and carefully walked over beside him. She tucked her arm in around his, as she was still rather unsteady. He turned as he felt her touch, saying, “You should still be in bed.”

“I’m fine. How about porridge for breakfast?” As she reached to get the oatmeal down from the shelf, she let out a heavy breath with the pain that stretching her over-used muscles caused.

Sam quickly grabbed her around the waist, as it looked like she might collapse. “You shouldn’t be out of bed yet. Doc Brown was right, you are stubborn.” He helped her over to the bed and tucked the covers in around her.

With frightened eyes she looked back. Being alone for so long, she was terrified of ending up by herself again. She had no one, not here, not in New Brunswick. She knew it was true, she was the loneliest woman west of Winnipeg, maybe in all the country and it fell heavily on her now. “Please, Sam, don’t hate me, too.”

“God, Sara, how can you think that?” he said, taking both of her hands in his, bringing them up to his mouth and gently touching his lips to each. She couldn’t answer him, but her eyes seemed to plead. He saw how deep the pain really went. Not only had she lost all of those babies and was so terrified it would happen again, but like him, she was abandoned, left to survive on her own.

The kettle started to boil on the stove and he turned to it, “You think I could make porridge if you tell me how?” She nodded and smiled back at him.

They both sat at the table for breakfast in the morning. The porridge was actually very good and even though they ate around an occasional lump, Sara told him it was much better than her first attempt. She tried to offer help to do the dishes, but Sam refused, saying if they were to go back to Brandon tomorrow she must get lots of rest to be ready to travel. He was surprised she didn’t refuse going back to town with him.