Niubi! (8 page)

 

你个死屄
nǐ ge sǐ bī
(
nee guh sih bee
)

Literally “you dead cunt,” but the whole phrase can be used the way you’d use “fuck” in direct address, whether genuinely insulting someone or joking around, like “fuck you” or “you stupid fuck.”

屌
diǎo
(
dyaow
)

Slang for “cock” and used as an insult (as in “what a dick”) since the J̄ın dynasty (1115-1234).
Diǎo
is also used positively in Taiwan to mean “awesome” or “cool” or “outrageous.”

 

管你屌事
guǎn nǐ diǎo shì
(
gwun nee dyow shih
)

Mind your own damn business. Literally “mind your own dick.” Similarly, “It’s none of my damn business” or “I don’t give a shit” is 管我屌事
guǎn wǒ diǎo shì
(
gwun wuh dyow shih
), literally, “I’m watching my own dick.”

 

鸟
niǎo
(
nyow
, rhymes with “cow”)

Slang for “penis,” equivalent to “dick” or “cock,” but can also be combined with a noun to create a derogatory term; for example 那个人
nàge rén
(
nah guh ren
) means “that person,” while 那个鸟人
nàge niǎo rén
(
nyow ren
) means “that dick” or “that damned person.”

 

什么鸟
shénmeniǎo
(
shuh muh nyow
)

Used similarly to “what the fuck?” or “what in the hell?” Literally “which bird?” or “what dick?” Originated in northeastern China but now used everywhere.

 

鸡巴
jība
(
gee bah
)

Slang for “penis,” equivalent to “dick” or “cock.” Like “dick” and “cock,”
jība
can refer to an actual penis or can be used as an insult to describe a person. It’s also used as an intensifier, like “fucking.” For example, 那个鸡巴白痴
nàge jībā báichī
(
nah guh gee bah buy chih
), “that fucking idiot,” is stronger than 那个白痴
nàge báichī
(
nah guh buy chih
), “that idiot.”

There are several turtle- and turtle-egg-related insults in Chinese, all connected to cuckoldry. There are numerous theories why. One is that 王八蛋
wángbādàn
(
wahng bah dun
), “tortoise egg,” comes from 忘八端
wàng bā duān
(
wahng bah dwun
), which means “forgetting the Eight Virtues,” because the two phrases sound nearly identical. The Eight Virtues are a philosophical concept and a sort of code of behavior central to Confucianism. Evidently the Eight Virtues were important enough that forgetting them could become an obscenity, much in the way Christianity is so central to Western culture that referring to God—“Oh my God!” “Jesus Christ!”—can be considered blasphemous.

Another theory—and all these theories could be related to one another—is that the ancient Chinese mistakenly believed there were no male turtles and that all turtles copulated with snakes; thus their offspring are of impure blood. Another explanation is that in ancient times 王八
wángbā
(
wahng bah
), “turtle,” was the name for a male servant in a brothel. Some believe the term came from an especially un-virtuous man in history whose last name was Wáng (王). Still another is that a turtle’s head emerging from its shell resembles a glans penis emerging from the foreskin and so turtles represent promiscuity: indeed “glans” in Chinese is

龟头
guītóu
(
gway toe
), or “turtle head.” And finally, it could have to do with turtles being considered cowardly, since they sink their heads back into their shells when threatened, as reflected by the phrase 缩头乌龟
suō tóu wūguī
(
swuh toe ooh gway
), “a turtle with its head in its shell,” meaning “coward.”

 

王八
wángbā
(
wahng bah
)

Cuckold, bastard, asshole, piece of shit.

 

王八蛋
wángbādàn
(
wahng bah dun
)

Son of a bitch, bastard. Literally “tortoise egg.”

 

王八羔子
wángbā gāozi
(
wahng bah gaow dz
)

Son of a bitch, bastard. Literally “son of a turtle” and a northern variation on
wáng bā dàn
.

 

王八犊子
wángba dúzi
(
wahng bah doo dz
)

Son of a bitch, bastard. Literally “turtle stomach,” probably alluding to the pregnant belly of a cuckold’s wife, suggesting, like
wángbādàn
, “turtle’s egg,” that the target of the insult doesn’t know who his father is.

 

龟儿子
guī ér zi
(
gway er dz
)

Son of a bitch, bastard. Literally “son of a turtle.” A variation on
wángbādàn
used only in southern China.

 

龟孙子
guī sūnzi
(
gway swen dz
)

Son of a bitch, bastard. Literally “turtle’s grandson.” Another variation on
wángbādàn
used only in southern China.

狗崽子 / 狗仔子
gǒuzǎizi
(
go dzigh dzz
)

Son of a bitch (although a bit milder than the English). Literally “son of a dog.”

 

狗娘养的
gǒu niáng yǎng de
(
go nyahng yahng duh
)

Son of a bitch (rude—more so than the previous entry). Literally, can mean “raised by a dog mother” or “born of a dog mother.”

 

狗日的
gǒurìde
(
go rih duh
)

Son of a bitch (rude). Literally, can mean “fucked by a dog” or “born of a mother fucked by a dog.”

 

狗杂种
gǒu zázhǒng
(
go dzah dzohng
)

Literally “mongrel dog,” a variation on 杂种
zázhǒng
(
dzah dzohng
), another insult meaning “mixed blood.” Extremely rude.

屎
shǐ
(
shih
)

Shit (noun), like shit (adverb), shitty (adjective). You would use this to describe things. For example, you might say 太屎了
tài shǐ le
(
tie shih luh
), literally “too shitty,” to say that something was shitty or bad. Sometimes written “10” online because both are pronounced
shih
.

 

狗屎
gǒushǐ
(
go shih
)

Bullshit. Literally “dog shit.” This term was originally used to describe people of low moral character. This new usage is probably due to Western influence—it started out in Hong Kong and Taiwan, where “Oh shit!” in Hollywood movies was often subtitled
gǒushǐ
, and spread from there.

 

臭狗屎
chòu gǒushǐ
(
choe go shih
)

Stronger form of above. Literally “smelly dog crap.”

 

屎盆子
shǐ pénzǐ
(
shih pen dz
)

Shitty job, the blame for doing a shitty job. Literally “crap pot.” You might say, for example, that someone gave you the crap pot, meaning that they made you take the blame for a shitty job. Or you can describe something directly as a crap pot, meaning that it was done poorly.

 

吃屎
chī shǐ
(
chih shih
)

Eat shit. Equivalent to “fuck off,” though much less profane.

 

粪
fèn
(
fen
)

Feces (formal term). You wouldn’t say this alone as an adjective, like “shitty,” but one common Beijing expression is 臭大粪
chòu dà fèn
(
choe dah fen
), literally “stinky big stool,” meaning that something is shitty or worthless.

 

大便
dàbiàn
(
dah byinn
)

Excrement, poop, defecate (both noun and verb). Literally “big relieving of oneself”—urination, by the way, is 小便
xiǎobiàn
(
dah byinn
), “small relieving of oneself.” Not an expletive, and thus does not have the same effect as “shit.” For the most part, this refers to the actual act of defecation and its product, but can be used mockingly, in a silly and unserious way, like calling someone a poop. Girls in particular use this teasingly.

 

去吃大便
qù chī dàbiàn
(
chee chih dah byinn
)

Go eat excrement; go eat poop. Similar to saying “get lost.” Sounds mild and silly, so it’s mostly used by girls in a teasing way.

傻 X
shǎchā
(
shah chah
)

This is often used in written Chinese to stand in for a dirty word. Literally “stupid X.” X is pronounced
chah
in Chinese.

CHAPTER FOUR

I
t’s hard to be in China for long without noticing the prevalence of not terribly attractive Western men who seem to have inexplicably landed themselves a gorgeous Chinese girlfriend. Though I hesitate to offer any explanation for this phenomenon, I do find myself recalling an awful lot of conversations with Chinese gal-pals about their inability to tell westerners apart. I may or may not have told some of these women to be sure and introduce me to any prospective beaus before taking the plunge, so that I could distinguish for them the handsome men from the mugs that even a mother wouldn’t love.

Then again, maybe these women know exactly what they’ve gotten themselves into, as more than a few pragmatically minded Chinese women have counseled me on the importance of choosing someone “bald and fat”—the reasoning being that such mates will be less likely to cheat or leave you. And on top of all that, you never know what seemingly smoking hot girl is considered downright homely by Chinese beauty standards. I have pointed out plenty of what I thought to be beautiful women, only to have Chinese friends reply musingly, “Yes, it’s strange, my other Western friends think she’s hot too. We all think she looks like a peasant.”

But perhaps we should just be glad that cross-cultural blindness is enabling people everywhere to get laid. In this chapter, you’ll find all the vocabulary you need for flattering, cajoling, and hopefully landing a date—or more. But read with caution: dating in China is a whole new ball game. The essential thing to know is this: the woman wears the pants in the relationship. Though we certainly can’t stereotype every Chinese woman this way, should you as a Western male choose to embark upon a relationship with one, be prepared to pay for everything (possibly including her rent), call and text her ten times a day (being tied up in meetings at work all day is no excuse), secure her permission whenever you want to go out with the guys (it will not be granted), and always, always, carry her purse (no matter how shiny, pink, or Hello Kitty bedecked it may be). And should you Western women desire to learn the ways of Chinese dating, you’d better brush up on the art of 撒娇
sǎjiāo
(
sah jow
)—a common, whiney way of acting that most westerners find maddening and Chinese presumably find cute—which essentially involves pouting a lot, speaking in the voice of a five-year-old, hitting your boyfriend a lot whilst calling him “so bad,” and, of course, making him carry your purse.

调情
tiáoqíng
(
tyow cheeng
)

To flirt. Literally “throw feelings.”

 

挑逗
tiǎodòu
(
tyow doe
)

To flirt. Literally “incite and tease.”

 

打情骂俏
dǎ qíng mà qiào
(
dah ching ma chyow
)

A literary way to say “flirt” or “banter flirtatiously.” Literally “hit passionately, scold prettily” referring to the expression 打是亲骂是爱
dǎ shì qīn mà shì ài
(
dah shih cheen ma shih aye
), which translates to something like “hitting is intimacy and yelling is love.”

 

吃豆腐
chī dòufu
(
chih doe foo
)