No Holding Back (30 page)

After mumbling his thanks, Wade dove right in.
As he began sating his unbelievable hunger, he heard a soft ‘thud’ and then several voices came through over the diner’s outdated television. As it stirred to life, Wade’s stomach dropped and he felt bombarded with knots.

“-there that night, then you would have seen Heretic
’s female drummer! Is it just me or does anyone else wanna bang that chick as bad as I-?!”

Wade looked up at
the television screen just in time to see Chris’ beanie being ripped off by her father. And to make matters worse, they looped her terrified expression over and over again that some nameless fan captured on their shaky camera phone.

But
then Os came to his brother’s rescue. “Hey! Turn that shit off!”

A
fter Os barked his order at the waitress, the terrified woman immediately shut off the television, but it was obvious to everyone at the table that the damage had already been done.

Even
Joe stopped what he was doing and looked at Wade. He only made it through half his chili and now he sat in silence - his spoon shaking slightly in his hand while he stared at the blank television screen, threatening to burn a hole through it.

Mike
licked his cracked lips and was the only one brave enough to say something.

“
Wade? Hey, man…you alright?”

But
Mike’s voice echoed through an empty Wade and without warning, he dropped his spoon and got up from his seat. His chair skidded to a halt behind him just as he turned and left through the doors again with his hands buried in his pockets.

“Wade? Wade!” Mike
called out, but it was no use.

The irritating
‘clang’ of the diner doors signaled his departure. They all watched helplessly as he walked the lonely trek across the street and back to the bus.

Mike sighed and rubbed the palms of his hands up and down his face, wishing he could make sense of everything that was happening. After a while, he threw his arms up.

“For fuck’s sake. He acts like he’s never been in
love
before.”

The table remained eerily silent. Mike gestured for a hint, but received none.

“
Well
? Hasn’t he?” he asked.

Mike
looked desperately to everyone, but only when he locked eyes with Joe did he shake his head - his dreads barely moving in response. Mike then grasped the seriousness of the situation and rubbed his forehead.

“You gotta be kidding me.
”

Joe sighed,
“I wish I was.”

As the evening ticked by
, they all sat and stared at what was left of their food, unable to finish their meals. But after a few minutes, Os snapped out of his seat and threw down his napkin.

“The hell
’s gotten into you?” Joe asked.

“I
’m gonna go talk to him,” he answered.

“You
know
he won’t talk to anyone.”

“He
’ll talk to me,” he finished.

A
nd with that, Os also walked through the noisy doors leave the rest of Heretic to scratch their heads in confusion at his departure. But if they had known what was going through his mind, they would have told him to run
from
the bus - not towards it.

I
n the days that followed Chris’s reveal, Os instantly regretted his actions and everything that lead up to it and now, he didn’t even have the willpower to look up as he crossed the deserted road. A small part of him hoped that a semi would come and put him out of his misery. After all, Os would have chosen
anything
over what he was preparing to do.

He
heard the rush of his own blood in his ears as he drew closer to the bus and he tried everything he could not to envision what the next few moments of his life would be like. Worst case scenario, he’d wind up in the emergency room. But Os knew he had to make this right, but just as he stood before the threshold of the bus, he couldn’t get his feet to move. He took a few deep breaths and then, he pried the doors apart.

E
xpecting to find Wade locked in his room again, Os was surprised to find his younger brother lying on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling in a dazed stupor. In fact, he didn’t make any motion to respond to Os’ intrusion.

Timidly, Os approached him
and sat down in what would have been Chris’ spot.

He
hunched forward with his arms on his knees, and before he could say a word, his palms became sweaty. His knee began to bob up and down as he tried to talk himself into uttering a single syllable, let alone the dark secret he kept just below the surface.

“I-I-m sorry, man,
” Os said, shaking his head dejectedly.

For a while, Os w
ondered if his brother had even heard him, until finally, he shrugged his shoulders.

“
About what?”

Os bit his lip and continued
, wishing he was in any other place besides that God forsaken bus.

“
Chris,” he began, wincing at the sound of her name. “I shouldda…done more to get along with ‘er.”

But Wade
sat emotionless and continued to stare up at the ceiling. He rarely blinked and hardly moved a muscle.

“It
’s not your fault, Os. I should’ve listened to you from the beginning. You’re my brother.”

There wasn
’t a single light on in the bus, but Os didn’t need it to see his younger brother’s eyes moisten until a single, painful tear fell down the side of his face. It was clear that the emotional strain that his brother endured over the past few days was more than what he could handle. He could tell it affected him more than Hess ever did.

Reluct
antly, Os got up from his seat and stood by the window, overlooking rows of empty cornfields. He sighed heavily against the tinted glass knowing that he had to set things straight. Somehow, he knew it was the only way he’d ever feel human again.

“You
’re wrong, Wade. It
is
my fault,” he began, pausing only to get his bearings. “I wasn’t at most of the competition because I found a computer and spent hours trying to find Chris’ father,” he admitted through a long sigh. “There’s only one person in the Army from Michigan whose last name is Rebman.”

Os
wiped his eyes and rubbed the back of his bald head.

“Hell, it
’s so damn easy to find shit on the internet. I swear I found everything but his blood type; his address, where he works, his phone number – it was all there. And all I did was dial him up and tell him what was going on over the past year. I told him exactly when and where Chris would be – right down to the time she was scheduled to go on stage,” he confessed. “God man, I didn’t want this. It’s my fault everything’s turned to sh-.”

As Os turned around to meet what would probably be his brother
’s unhappy face, turned out to be his fist instead. Os couldn’t get another word when he was sent sprawling on the floor. Next, he felt the familiar grasp of his brother as it brought him to his feet and sent him stumbling across the other side of the bus. And last but not least, he heard the angry yet familiar growl that followed, only this time, it was wrapped with conviction and an underlying hatred that he had yet to experience.

“
You
…SON OF A BITCH!”

Just as Wade
’s angry howl filled the air, Joe and the rest of the gang poured onto the bus and not a moment too soon. Instantly, Joe dove in to try and separate the two.

“Oh c
’mon, you guys - not again!”

Joe
’s efforts were in vain as Wade held a death grip onto his brother and he screamed into his now bloodied face. But Os didn’t lift a finger to fight. He knew he had it coming and now, he would sit there and take every bit of Wade’s wrath.

“
Tell
them, Os!” Wade screamed. “Tell them what you did!”

Wade jostled Os roughly by his shirt, but he knew there was no getting out of this one.

“Os?” Joe asked, petrified of what would come out of his mouth. “What did you do?”

Os hung his head, not only in shame, but in dizziness. In just a short amount of time, the objects in the bus became a swirling mess.

“TELL THEM!” Wade demanded, and shocked Os into answering.

“
It was me,” he said through bloodied lips. “I sold Chris out. I gave an anonymous tip to Dark Water about a big secret Heretic was hiding - one that was bigger than Hess.
That’s
why he came up with the drummer’s competition. It was to lure Chris out of hiding. And after I called her father…”

Os couldn
’t get another word out and dropped his head in shame. Wade’s lips trembled and he no longer saw his brother’s face due to a thick veil of tears. Joe sighed and stepped away, turning his back to them both. There, he ran his hands through his hair and tugged at his dreads while Pete and Mike stared on in muted silence.

“
Christ, man,” he said. “This is a new low even for
you
, Os.”

But then, Wade pushed his brother roughly up against the wall, causing him to lose his breath.

“Why did you do it, Os?” he spat. “What the
hell
did you do it?!”

Scared into talking, Os muttered,
“I-I didn’t know you fell for her, man! You have girls all the time. I thought she was just another fad to you!”

But Wade was hardly satisfied with his answer and bore even further into his bro
ther.

“Becaus
e of
you,
I let her go! Because of
you,
I’m no better than that other guy!”

Os trembled with fear at such words and Wade
’s volume alone caused everyone on the bus to jump in surprise. Of course, no one knew what ‘other guy’ he spoke of, but Wade did, and that alone drove him over the edge.

Meanwhile
, Mike took out a cigarette and lit it. And while he puffed at it casually, Wade fisted his brother’s shirt and threw him up against another wall. His entire demeanor became one of a madman and his chest heaved up and down in a tremendous rage. Wade tried to keep it in check, but after all of the stunts and arguments that he had with this brother, this one took the cake. Now, Wade fought every desire to become an only child.

“Tell me where she is, Os! You
said
you looked up everything, huh!? WELL GIVE ME THE GOD DAMN ADDRESS!”

Unabashed, Wade
’s spittle landed in his brother’s face but he hardly gave a damn. And as far as he was concerned, he was far from finished with him, jerking him around like a ragdoll.

“
And for your sake? You’d better
pray
that when I find her, it’s not too late,” Wade fumed. “
Pray
that she forgives me for acting like a
jerk
!”

Just as
Wade’s breathing intensified to the point of hyperventilating, he screamed one final time.

“I LOVE HER GOD DAMMIT!”

As Wade poured out the last of his emotions, it was then that the tears came, hot and fresh, down his cheeks. But Os could only stare back at his brother with his broken and battered face - much too afraid to respond.

While
he continued fisting his brother’s shirt, he jerked him exhaustively a few last times, but his adrenaline was gone.

“Did you hear me!?” Wade cried
. “I said ‘I
love
her!’”

Wade jostled his brother one
more time before he finally released him, letting his words sink into his brother’s head. And perhaps into his own. Too weak to continue, Wade reeled and fell onto the floor where he buried his head in his legs.

The bus sat in silence while
Wade’s tears of remorse rose and fell. But it was then that Os realized, as late though it may be, that he had lost the respect of the only person he cared about.

He inwardly cursed his own stupidity at ruining the one thing th
at made his brother truly happy and it was then that he began to shed quiet tears of his own.

“I-I
’m sorry, Wade.” Os’ bloodied lip quivered in fear. “I didn’t know you felt that way about her."

Wade was far t
oo weak to come up with a response of any kind, but finding some remaining strength, he rose to his feet with Joe’s help.

He stood there
for the longest time, with nothing more than a blank expression until his breathing returned to normal. But try as he might, the tears wouldn’t stop.

As he
mulled over the words he had just spoken in front of everyone, a sudden feeling gripped him like it never had before. He
did
love Chris. And now he knew the reason why his gut did a nose dive whenever they were near each other. And as the past year raced through his brain like a freight train, he knew he fell for her the moment she first played the drums.