No Justice No Peace (27 page)

            Before we’d left the house, Desmon called Ginger to holla with her for a few minutes.  He stayed on the phone with her for about ten minutes, and then, passed the phone to me. 

            “Speak,” I said, after placing the phone on my ear.

            “I hope you’re happy that you’ve taken my son away from me.”

            “You’ve had him for over fifteen years.  I’m sure these several weeks ain’t been the end of the world for you.”

            “This place has been too damn quiet.  Now, I ain’t gon lie because I have enjoyed it, but I miss my baby too.”

            “Hmm…” I said, keeping it short.

            “Listen, I got some more of your money.  It ain’t much, but it’s something.  If you want to stop by later on to get it you can.”

            “I just might do that.  I need to talk to you about something else anyway.”

            “About what?” she said.  Since Desmon was still close by, I walked into my room and closed the door.

            “You can keep the money, if you tell me the truth about something.”

            “I know what you’re getting ready to ask me and I have told you the truth.  Myles is not Desmon’s father!  Why can’t you get that through your thick head!”

            “Ginger, I saw a picture of him.  There are some resemblances.”

            “So what, nigga!  I know who my baby daddy is.”

            “Do you really expect me to take your word for it?  I just wanted you to know I’m gonna open up a can of worms real soon.  Ginger, you better not had lied to me.”

            “Come get your damn money,” she said, and then hung up.

            Desmon was still messing around in his room, so I headed towards the kitchen with Anna.  She still seemed a bit uneasy, so I didn’t walk up and kiss her like I normally did.  Instead, I stood in the doorway and told her Desmon and me would be back.

            “Would you bring some detergent back with you so I can wash your clothes?”  She stood at the sink washing the dishes and wouldn’t turn around.

            “Yes, I’ll get some detergent.  I’ll wash them, though.  You don’t have to.  Do you need anything else while I’m out?”

            She moved her head from side to side.  I felt bad because it was obvious she was still on edge out what had happened.  Not only that, but I knew she was feeling insecure about Jada and about not being able to please me like she wanted to. I walked up from behind and put my arms around her.  Not saying a word to her, I kissed her cheek and down her neck when she tilted her head to the side.

            “Don’t look so sad,” I said. “We got a lot to look forward to.”

            She nodded and I backed away from her.  Desmon yelled that he was ready, and feeling as if Anna didn’t want to be bothered, I left. 

            On the ride to Michelle’s house, Desmon kept complaining about the splint on his leg and said that he wanted it off.  I reminded him that his leg hadn’t healed yet, but he insisted it was time.  I told him about the time Jada cracked my wrist and how I cut the cast off with a knife.  He laughed and said sooner or later, the splint would be history.  Knowing that removing it would probably do more damage to his leg than good, especially since he still wanted to play football, I told him that was not a good idea.  But, did he ever listen to me? Hell, no.  I was sure the splint would be off by the end of the night. 

I pulled in front of Michelle’s house and Desmon couldn’t wait to get out. 

“Can I get a thanks or something,” I said.

“Aw,” he said, holding onto the door. “Thanks. And, ask Moms to give you my navy blue and white tennis shoes.”

“I will.  But, remember that you got school tomorrow.  Don’t stay over here all night.”

“I might.  I might catch a ride to school with them in the morning.  If I do, I’ll call you.”

I didn’t argue with him because Anna and me needed some time alone.  Instead, I reminded him to call again and he said that he would.

Ginger’s place wasn’t too far away, so I turned up the CD player and made my way there.  It was such a beautiful day outside and it was obvious that many other people thought so as well.  Kids were hanging out, as if there wasn’t any school, and grown-ups were chilling on porches and corners.

When I pulled into a parking spot in front of Ginger’s townhouse, these two young punks were making a transaction right in front of me.  I started to scare them by telling them I was five-o, but instead, I left well enough alone. 

I knocked on the door, standing for about two minutes. She didn’t answer, so I knocked harder.  Since I’d talked to her less than a few hours ago, I knew she was there.  I figured she was probably inside getting her fuck on. 

I banged for a few more minutes, and feeling frustrated, I turned the knob on the door.  It was unlocked, but before I went inside, I pulled my gun out from inside of my pants.  I didn’t know what was up, but I had a feeling something wasn’t right.  A set-up?  Maybe.  I wasn’t sure, and I wasn’t taking any chances.

Either way, I slowly pushed the door open and walked in.  I immediately called for Ginger, but she didn’t answer.  I called again, still nothing.  My eyes quickly searched the living room, and soon after, I made my way to her bedroom.  There was no sign of her, so I walked past the dining room, making my way to the kitchen.  Still, she wasn’t there. After searching around for a few more minutes, it was evident that she wasn’t home.  I guess she’d left and forgot to lock the door.  Feeling as if my paranoia was starting to get the best of me again, I sat down in the kitchen to calm my nerves. I took a few deep breaths and placed my gun back down inside my pants. 

As I’d sat in deep thought, I was kind of upset that Ginger told me to come get my money, but then, had the nerve to leave and not call.  It also surprised me that her place was cleaner than I’d ever seen it and nothing seemed to be out of place. 

I sat for a while longer, then walked back into her bedroom to see if she’d left my money on her dresser.  My money wasn’t there, but cocaine residue was visible on her dresser and on the table next to her bed. I shook my head and headed downstairs to get Desmon’s tennis shoes.  I flicked the light switch at the top of the stairs, but the light didn’t come on.  I could see a sliver of light coming from the small window in the basement, so that allowed me to find my way down the steps. As I made it to the bottom, I saw Ginger lying across Desmon’s bed. 

“Didn’t you hear me call your name,” I said. She didn’t answer, as she appeared to be sound asleep. “Ginger,” I yelled, and then pulled on the light string from above my head.  When the light came on, Ginger hadn’t moved.  I kneeled on the bed and turned her body over.  It was limp and her eyes were rolled to the back of her head. 

“Ginger,” I yelled, while shaking her.  Panicking, I felt her body for blood and looked to see if someone had strangled her.  It wasn’t until I saw an empty prescription bottle on the floor when I’d realized what she’d done. 

Realizing it, I pulled her body to the floor and pumped hard on her chest. 

“Damn you, Ginger!” I yelled. “Breathe!” I pumped harder and opened her mouth.  I felt inside for anything that I could feel, but nothing was there.  I arched her neck and took long deep breaths into her mouth. “Breathe!” I yelled, blowing my air into her lungs.  Nothing came of it, so I started to pump her chest once again.

“You are not going to do this to my son!” I gritted and pounded her chest harder. 

After trying to revive Ginger for about fifteen minutes, I knew it was a lost cause. Sweat dripped from my forehead as I sat up on the floor with her head resting across my lap.  I tightened my eyes and heavily breathed in and out. 

“Why did you fucking do this?” I said, talking to myself.  “Damn!”

I sat silently for a moment longer, and then, slowly placed Ginger’s limp body back on the floor.

This shit was starting to be too much for me to handle and I couldn’t believe there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel.  I’ll be damned if history didn’t just repeat itself.  I knew how I felt when my mother committed suicide, and now I had to put Desmon through the same excruciating pain I experienced when Papa Abrams had to break the news to me.  

I thought about why Ginger would do something so stupid and reached for the sheets on Desmon’s bed to cover her up.  When an envelope dropped to the floor, I reached down to pick it up.  The front of it had Desmon’s name on it, so I opened it up.

“My beloved son,”
it read
. “I’m sorry I had to do this, but I felt as if the time was right.  You have Kiley now and after many years of failing you, I failed myself too.  I know that a big part of you felt as if I didn’t love you, but I truly did. I loved you how I wanted to, and at times my love wasn’t good enough.  Yes, I could have done things differently, but I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t have time for you.  When I started using drugs two years ago, I began to hate myself even more.  I allowed them to take over me and over the priorities in my life.  I hurt you by letting my men misuse you and I know you’ll always hate me for it
. 
It’s something I can’t explain, but my stupidity prevailed. Lastly, my baby, I owe you the truth about something that has always been heavy on my mind.  I know Kiley told you about him possibly not being your father. And like I said, I’m the one who owes you the truth. Kiley is the daddy that you will know and will always know.  A man that I dated by the name of Myles Stein was your real father. He was killed when you were only two years old, and since I wanted you to have a father, I continued on with my lie.   I never wanted you to know the truth as you grew up because Kiley was the father that I wanted you to have.  He had money that I knew could take care of you, so therefore, I had to do what was best for you.  I wanted the best life for my baby and I knew with him being your father you’d someday have it.  Now, you’re where you need to be and where you should always be, with him. I’m where I want to be and please don’t hate me for it.  Grow up and be a good man and never look back at this horrible lift I somehow managed to create for you.  Love, Mama.

I was zoned out while reading Ginger’s letter and had backed into the wall.  I was too numb to move, so I stood with tears pouring heavily down my face. Wanting desperately to scream, I couldn’t. Wanting to kill anybody…somebody, I couldn’t do that either.  The pain I had in my chest after reading her letter was unlike no other.  After all this fucking time, Desmon wasn’t even my own flesh and blood.  I couldn’t believe what Ginger had done to me, or to the only kid I’d known and loved as my son.  I stood for a moment longer and that’s when I lost it.  My head started spinning around the room and I gave quick swift punches to the air in front of me. As the punches got harder and faster, I started making a complete mess of Desmon’s room.  I started with the trophies on his shelves, breaking them into pieces.  I tore the posters down from his walls and smashed his TV on the ground.  I hurried to his closet, reached for his clothes and I pulled them apart with my hands. No doubt, I was beyond angry and couldn’t stop myself from destroying his room no matter how hard I tried.

When I did calm down, I dropped to my knees and crawled my way over to Ginger’s body.  I dropped my head on her chest and loudly cried out.

“Why in the fuck did you do this to me?” I gagged, as the saliva dripped from my mouth.  Softly I spoke, as I wished like hell she could hear me. “Damn you, Ginger. Muthafucking damn you!”

After sitting in a daze for a while, I rose up and wiped the flowing tears from my face.  I tore the letter into tiny pieces, straightened my clothes and stood up.  I staggered up the steps and walked to the front door.  I left it wide open and got into my car.  If anybody needed to kill themselves, it damn sure should’ve been me.  After knowing the truth about Desmon, I had no purpose.  He was my reasoning for wanting to live.  And now, I had to stand face-to-face with him and tell him not only that his mother was dead, but that he didn’t have a father either.  I loved him too much to bring hurt to him like that.  And I knew if I didn’t tell him the truth it would cause him more hurt if he’d ever found out.

Either way, I wasn’t prepared to do anything.  I drove to the nearest payphone and called emergency so they could send somebody to get Ginger.  When the dispatcher questioned me about who I was, I told the lady I was her brother and I’d been the one who found her. I even explained Desmon’s room I’d messed up by saying how difficult it was for me when I found her.  She said they’d send somebody right over and I got back in my car and headed for home. 

Before going inside, I sat in the car for at least an hour.  I was a mess and didn’t want Anna to see me in this condition for the second day straight.  It was obvious that life just wasn’t going to get better for me.  If it wasn’t going to get better for me, then it damn sure wasn’t going to get better for her.  She didn’t deserve all of this and I hated myself for not allowing her to walk out on me last night. 

I maintained some of my composure…wiped my face with my hands again and got out of my car.  When I entered the house, it was dark. I made it back to my bedroom, where Anna was lying in bed naked while watching TV.  I leaned against the doorway.

“Baby, what’s wrong,” she said, reaching for the lamp to turn it on.  She saw the weary look on my face. “Kiley, tell me. Are Desmon and Antonio okay?”