No Life But This (22 page)

The terrible thing about personal trauma, is it has no effect whatsoever on the normal course of the world. Not for anybody else. Despite Quin’s explosion and my own confusion – or insanity – there was still a ball to attend and politicians to mollify.

Rose tried to reassure me as she straightened my new, insulated Europan dress shirt. It was warm as a coat, and made to look impressive
in the frigid ice-box of the Crystal Village. It was a lovely thing, heavily hand-embroidered, but with few colours. Time and hands they had to spare on Europa. Dyes were harder to come by.

Quin was missing. He hadn’t gone back to his room, and the security at the door said he’d gone out. After that, the security cameras had lost him in the village, as his new brown coat looked just like half
the other coats of the village.

‘They’re doing everything they can to find him,’ Rose said. ‘We don’t know if he’s in any danger. They’ll let us know the moment we hear anything.’

‘
So why can’t I wait here in my room?’

‘Because Captain Jagan wants you there,’ Rose hissed at me. ‘And if he’s not happy with you, he might not sign off on Ted’s experiment. He’s already furious with Quin for breaking
protocol and making his daughter cry. On planetary holovision!’

‘
Are you telling me that he’s not worried about Quin just because Quin was being an ass, the same as usual?’

‘Otto, I don’t even know if
you’r
e worried about Quin, really. I think you think you should be.’

She was right. By the time Rose had explained the circumstance and the Plastines had been told to stand down, I had found a
personality again. My memories were still sketchy and I wasn’t sure which ones were mine, and which ones were
mine
, but so long as I held on to Rose, it didn’t seem to matter. Quin was a more difficult person to hold in my head. Half of me loved him, but was afraid of him, and half of me hated him, but was afraid
for
him, and I wasn’t sure which was which, or why. I didn’t know why Xavier would
have any opinion about Quin at all. Rose, I loved no matter who I was.

‘I don’t want to go.’

‘We have to. I know, you shouldn’t have to, but you do. This is how this
works
. I’ve done this. My mother used to take me to these expensive dinners and fine charity galas. I had to be on my best behaviour, look my best, be perfect. I was …’ She sighed. ‘I was an accessory,’ she said suddenly. ‘Like
a handbag or a Chihuahua.’

That was one of the harshest things I’d ever heard her say directly about her mother.

‘I know how these supposed leaders think. To them, people are what they mean, not who they are. My parents needed a daughter. It made them family people, it humanized them to the masses. If I didn’t play that role – well. You know what they did. You, you are a rarity, more impressive
than diamonds. Xavier and I are royalty, enough to raise Jagan’s status among the captains of Europa – among the leaders of the entire Jovian colonies. That’s what Jagan wants to do now, with you, with me, with Xavier. Show us off. If we take that away from him, we cut his authority. If his authority is threatened, he’ll have to do something else to assure it. That could be anything – impressing
extra tariffs on Callisto’s trade goods or banning stop-overs from Titan-bound vessels. He could even declare your treatment too experimental or expensive.’ She touched my face, her eyes twisted in worry. ‘We can’t afford it.’

I swallowed. ‘
I didn’t know it was this dangerous out here,’
I told her.

‘Frontier law,’ Rose said. ‘This is like Queen Victoria visiting the Wild West.’

‘And Quin is
out in it.
’

‘What do you think he’s going to do?’

I shook my head.
‘He’ll do whatever he thinks is in my best interest. I’m sick. I don’t think he’d jeopardize my treatment.’

‘I hope not. But those terrorists … they’re killing people. Innocent people. Quin wouldn’t do that, would he?’

I didn’t answer. I knew what Quin thought, and I didn’t want to. Quin’s belief was that there
are
no innocent
people.

‘We’ll find him tomorrow,’ Rose reassured me. ‘Let’s just get through tonight.’

My head tilted to catch her lips in a kiss, but she pulled away from me. I wasn’t sure if it was intentional or not, but it bothered me anyway.

Xavier met us as we came down the stairs. He too was dressed in an insulated dress shirt. Rose had been given a full insulated dress, darted with glass beads so
that she looked half made of ice, and frosted with a thick white cloak that sparkled so it looked like new fallen snow. She’d pulled up her hair into an intricate crown, studded with sparkling pins. With her pale skin and white-blonde hair, she looked like the Snow Queen. She always made everyone think of fairy tales. ‘Are you feeling better, Otto?’ Xavier asked as we arrived.

I nodded, but I
wasn’t sure I was telling the truth.

‘You selected this for me, didn’t you?’ Rose said, gesturing to her dress as she took his arm with a white gloved hand.

‘I added the cloak, too. I wasn’t sure you’d be warm enough.’

‘Thank you.’ She reached up to kiss his cheek. He let her, but then he pulled away. I didn’t know why, considering I’d had more than mere pecks in the last few days, but I burned
with jealousy. I took Rose away from him, and they both let me. I had to hold her arm hard in order to feel as if she wasn’t about to be stolen from me.

The glittering ice palace of the train station shone in the centre of the darkened village. All the scintillating fairy lights of the cafés and street stores were either shut down or simply dimmed in comparison by the thousands of tiny lights
that twinkled in the train station. It was as if we were travelling into a nebula, a birth place of stars. It was so beautiful, I could almost ignore the two Plastines trailing behind us like a pair of grim chess pieces.

Rose was more leery of them, but Xavier seemed to take them in his stride. I had a dim memory of having my arm broken by a Plastine once, and they made me nervous, but not as
much as they did Rose.

We arrived at the ball, but were not announced as I’d half been afraid. Captain Jagan darted up to greet us, and spoke mostly to Xavier, while Rose and I slid unobtrusively into the crowd. Instead of a rich classical quintet, as would have been on display on Earth, a man who was some kind of classical DJ carefully monitored a musical display. Instruments were probably
too difficult to transport and maintain on Europa. There wasn’t much dancing. Little circles of people clustered nonchalantly around strategically placed heaters – some looking like roaring fires, some decorative fire flowers, one a crystalline dragon sculpture that smouldered and occasionally belched real flame. Richly dressed Europan élites sipped champagne out of ice glasses and admired one another.
The conversation encompassed trade deals and new technology, complaints about declining harvests and corrosive elements in the ocean, deteriorating infrastructure and rebel elements in the lower levels. In short, money, money, and money.

Our inconspicuous entrance did not help us long. Very soon we were surrounded by people asking questions, begging to let them take snapshots, and admiring Rose’s
dress. Xavier seemed in his element, schmoozing and shaking hands. He had been here before over a decade ago, back when he was a relatively younger executive. At that time he had made a lot of friends – or at least ingratiated himself to a lot of people. Rose was at first overcome with a terrible fit of shyness. Then I saw her visibly square her shoulders and put graciousness on like a cloak.
From then on she passed light small talk, laughed politely, and smiled agreeably at everyone. She even danced with some of the younger, less offensive élites. I was astonished. I had never seen Rose put on exactly this persona before.

She also barely looked at me. I thought at first that she was just playing the society girl for the aristocracy, but then I noticed how Xavier rarely took his eyes
off her. She kept throwing him surreptitious glances, as if afraid to be caught out in a
faux pas
.

Actually, no one bothered much with me. I couldn’t schmooze, and I was too confused to make any non-verbal social efforts. I was too sick to feel like dancing. Mostly I just wanted a chair, but what seats they had were occupied, or clustered around the heaters, and there were far too many people
in those areas. Several people did come up to admire me, as one would admire a sculpture, or Captain Jagan’s pathetic panther. Mostly I stared at them with my yellow, accusatory eyes, and they quietly hurried away. I began to develop a headache.

The food was well enough, but I couldn’t eat. For one, the company disturbed me. For another, a display had been set up in the centre of the ice palace.
An almost spherical fish tank with bioluminescent fish that swam in unison. At first I thought they might have been Europa natives – the largest members of the plankton, I’d been told, were tiny, delicate fish-like creatures – but closer examination revealed that they were genetically engineered tetras and other Earthly fish. I turned away, disturbed, and watched the people. It didn’t help. At
least three of the women had hairstyles that actually incorporated live Geemo birds. None of them tried to move or flit like an ordinary bird would, and one of them actually chirped a popular song when it was tapped. They all made me feel sick. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I slipped out an unwatched door, and found myself in a gently sloping ice tunnel.

This must have been one of the
service tunnels, like the ones Quin had visited. This one, I realized, led to restrooms. It was a stark contrast to the glittering ice-diamond of the train station, and the village as a whole. It was bare, undecorated, almost feral, like a bear cave. Harsh utility lights studded a power cord planted in the ceiling, and that was the only indication that the tunnel wasn’t simply a natural hollow
in the ice. It was actually soothing, after all the sparkling expense out there. I went into the men’s room and washed my eyes, splashing steaming warm water on my face, then wiping it quickly with a scratchy paper napkin provided, so the cold wouldn’t freeze it to me. The toilet seats were heated, but the room was still made of ice. The paper towel smelled of the plankton. Everything was made from
the plankton, from half the food I ate at the buffet, to the rayon dress shirt I wore, to the pressed-and-formed furniture of the village. If Rose ever managed to get a sketchbook, I knew it would be made from the plankton, too.

I felt lost and unfocused without Rose in the room, so I decided to go back to the party, no matter how disturbing.

I went back into the tunnel, and stopped. A soft
rumble indicated that I was not alone there. With a jolt I realized that Nila’s black panther was lurking by the entrance, as if it were a discarded handbag. It was so passive that I had walked past it on my way in without even noticing. It was all alone, and looked a little lost. I went up to it and let it smell my fingers. Instantly, stupidly, it began to purr. I scratched its ears, and then pulled
away, feeling ill.

The poor thing was in agony. Its brain was worse than the simple ones’. Not merely animal, but empty. It had been modified to be wildly infantile, and there were ramifications to this. It could barely see, all its bones ached, and it couldn’t think about anything that wasn’t immediately in front of it. If it wasn’t led to food and had it placed before its nose, this thing
would waste away without even being aware of it. It was freezing, and no one cared, nor would it try to find heat to save itself. It was already dying. Less than a year old and born only to die young.

Someone had made this? Someone had deliberately tortured this animal at a cellular level, for profit. The cruelty of it was more than I could bear. I wished I had a knife so I could slit the poor
creature’s throat, and put the unnatural thing out of its misery.

Then I realized there were probably people who felt the same way about me. I felt sick, so sick I couldn’t fight it down. I retched in a corner, ridding myself of what little I’d managed to choke down at the banquet. The sour taste of acids was better than the bitter taste left in my mind from the dying beast.

Soft hands on my
hair and neck stroked me, smoothing away the sweat of horror. It was Rose. Her mind was full of sympathy and fear. ‘Oh, Otto,’ she breathed.

I spat and wiped my mouth on my embroidered sleeve. ‘They don’t care about us,’ I whispered. ‘None of us. We’re all just strings of DNA, building blocks, tinker toys, to play with as they will and throw away.’ I turned to her, grabbing her head to stare
into her eyes.
‘Tell me they didn’t plan this,
’ I begged. ‘
Tell me they didn’t build my entire family only to die when they were done studying us.
’

Rose was white with pity. ‘I don’t know,’ she said.

I groaned and turned away.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ Quin asked. He’d come through the door behind Rose.

‘It’s the cat,’ Rose said.

‘Ah, yes. The perfect personification of their callous brutality.’

‘You’re one to talk!’ Rose snapped. She looked back to me. ‘That’s why I came to get you. Quin’s back.’

Quin looked awful. His nose was bruised and his hair was mussed. He was still wearing the brown Europan coat. It looked very slummish compared to Rose’s crystal dress. ‘
What are you doing here?’
I signed. ‘
I thought you were banned from this party.’

‘Security didn’t know that,’ Quin said.
He came up to me and took my shoulder. ‘Look, I’m not angry anymore. But I need to talk to you. It’s important.’

His finger grazed my neck. His thoughts were a slimy turmoil of emotions, and I shrugged him off quickly. ‘
What do you care?’
I signed.

‘Look, I came back,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean … These people here are …’ He paused. His voice sank low so that Rose couldn’t hear. ‘Look. I’m in trouble.
Or … or I will be. They’ve been
waiting
for us! The answers were here, no secrets, no lies. It was here, all along.’