No Life But This (3 page)

‘Look, I can’t help it, either,’ Nabiki said. ‘Did you think I could just sit there and watch? I’m not made of steel.’

‘
Watch what?’
I asked.
‘We weren’t doing anything. We still aren’t doing anything. We’re friends, that’s all. I don’t see
why you can’t stay.’

Nabiki’s fists clenched, and her face scrunched up in anger. ‘You don’t
get
it, do you!’ She hissed through her teeth. ‘No. You never did.’ She covered her face with her hands, and I realized she was brushing away the beginnings of tears. Nabiki never wanted to admit she could cry. Her hands snapped away, all trace of emotion scrubbed clear.

‘I don’t understand,’
I signed
at her.

‘You don’t want to,’ Nabiki said quietly. ‘You never wanted to see. Not really.’ She leaned forward and kissed me, expertly.

The kiss was wonderful. Or it was at first. I’d really missed kissing her – kissing anybody. But she wasn’t going to let my relief moderate this exchange. Nabiki and I had been kissing for more than a year. She knew how to do it. She knew how I liked it. She knew
what my mind could do with it. And she used every nuance of it against me.

Her thoughts were sharp and almost poisoned with pain. First how she saw me; vulnerable, desperate, alone, and the need she had to wrap that frailty in her arms and keep it safe. There was so much fear, there; fear that I would be hurt, that I’d die, fear that she would do something wrong. And then an opening, like flowers,
as every time I’d kissed her I traced her every desire, pulling out pleasures she hadn’t even known she was searching for. The peace she had felt as she held me, knowing that I was safe with her. The self-awareness I brought which made her feel powerful and useful.

Then Rose. Not the beautiful briar roses I always thought of her as, but a white wolf, snapping at my heels and pulling me away from
Nabiki’s protective arms. Anger. Hurt. Fear. Then aloneness, sheer, horrific aloneness. She had cried for me. Cried and cried, even before we’d broken up.

And then the despair set in. After I was gone from her, as her magic faded and the world became grim and ordinary. As she searched for man after man. She’d hooked up with ten different guys in the months since we had broken up, and there wasn’t
a one who could compare. She expected more from them than she had any right to – every nuance of her thought, every hint of a desire was not fulfilled. And Quin’s attentions were painful; he was too much like me, and not like me at all. She could find no one to take my place.

‘You’ve ruined me!
’

The clear thought came as she released me. I panted. I was shaking. ‘You asked.’

I could barely
move. So I did what I very rarely did, what even Nabiki had only heard me do a few times, in very intimate occasions. ‘But I’m not with her,’ I whispered. Of all the people living, Nabiki was the only one who had heard my whisper.

She stepped away. ‘Your mind is. Your heart was breaking every moment for her. It would have hurt to watch even if you weren’t supposed to love me. And I’m not Rose.
You’re fond of me, but I’m not what you want.’ She shook her head. ‘You would have come to hate me. You were already halfway there when I stepped out.’

I hung my head. I brought my fist to my heart, but the sign for
sorry
seemed so inadequate.

‘I know,’ she said. ‘How you feel for her is beyond your control. Just like how I felt for you was beyond me. I didn’t want to love you, either. You think
it was easy? You’re not even fully human, people called me a pervert. Well, I wasn’t, but I am now. Because nothing feels right now. No one. No one human.’ I wanted to reach out for her, but I didn’t dare. ‘My parents don’t understand,’ she went on. ‘They’re just glad you’re gone, they think it was some stupid phase I was going through. I don’t care about school anymore. I feel like I don’t have
any friends – they’re all shallow and useless. I can’t talk about this to anyone. No one could ever understand it but you. You’ve done things to my mind, you always have, and now …’ She shook her head. ‘I was always so scared I’d lose you … but I didn’t think it would be like this. Just don’t ask me to stay here any longer. I know it’s not your fault. I know it’s not even her fault, not really.
I know for a fact that it isn’t mine. So I’m going to go and make something out of my life, burn it, even if you have scrambled my brain. In the meantime, there’s only just so much of watching you two that I can take,
okay
?’

I nodded.

‘Okay.’ She took another step away from me. ‘Thanks,’ she said quietly.

I wasn’t quite sure what she was thanking me for, but I signed the word back to her anyway.
I don’t know if she saw it. When I opened my eyes she was gone.

I rubbed my forehead. What had I done to her? I should have stayed celibate as a monk. I already had the vow of silence down. What the hell was I? What had I done? I missed my sister 42, suddenly, with a pain that lanced me. She would have understood. The only person at all like me was Tristan, and she had never had my gift on the
same level. Had I really scrambled Nabiki’s brain? There was no way of knowing. In any case, I had skewed her view of love. There was nothing I could do to fix this. Dating me had been her idea. Breaking up with me had been her idea. My falling in love with Rose and her stunningly beautiful mind had definitely not been my idea.

I sighed. The sound of
Overwrought
echoed over the garden, having
switched to some ballad I was unfamiliar with. The mournful romantic tune was annoyingly apropos. I wanted to turn it off, but it wasn’t a netfeed one could switch off at will. I sighed. There was nothing to do, really, but go back to the party.

When I turned I nearly fell over my own feet. Standing by the box hedge, her face carefully constructed into a neutral expression, was, of all horrific
things, Rose.

My jaw fell open in horror.
‘What are you doing there?
’

I think Rose only understood the sign for
‘what’
but she replied anyway. ‘I was trying to be hostess. And show the guest who was leaving out.’

Rose and her old-fashioned customs!
‘How long were you listening?’
I asked. I needed to know how much damage had been done.

Rose looked confused. ‘Sorry?’

I slowed my gestures down. ‘
You heard?’
I asked instead.

She nodded.

‘How much?
’

She didn’t quite succeed in suppressing a smile. ‘Enough,’ she said quietly.

‘Coit!’
I signed, which was a very rude gesture.
‘I’m sorry.’

‘What for?’

I shook my head.

‘Otto,’ Rose said. She came towards me, and the look on her face was pure amused pity. Burn it, I did not want her pity! I stepped away, hoping to make an escape. We could
talk it over tonight on the net – that’s how Rose and I usually talked; in written words, kilometres apart from each other. It was easier that way. Easier when she wasn’t right there with me, the sight of her doing uncontrollable things to my body. When the temptation to invade her mind was not tickling every thought in my head. When I was able to decide what to say, and was still capable of telling
a lie.

Then she opened her mouth. ‘Did you think I didn’t know?’

I froze. The idea was elating and horrifying in one. I shook my head, but I wasn’t sure what I was negating. She reached for my hand and took it, and I was tangled again amongst the roses. I closed my eyes. Of course she knew. How, with her vast intuition and her immense subconscious, could Rose not realize that someone close to
her was in love with her?

She reached up and kissed my forehead. It was not a romantic kiss, but she accepted my feelings and was neither frightened nor disgusted by them. This revelation was already going far and away better than I’d expected. Her pity was for my belief that I was hiding my feelings, not because of the feelings themselves, or even who and what I was. ‘I’m sorry about Nabiki.’

‘Me too.’

‘I wish there was some way I could make it up to her.’

‘Clone me
,’ I said. Then I realized what I’d just said, and who I’d said it to. Rose actually held the patent on my DNA – or would once she came of age.
‘No, don’t.’

‘I don’t think it would help, either,’ Rose said. ‘A clone wouldn’t be you. And if it was … it still wouldn’t be what Nabiki wanted. Would it?’

‘She wants me to
feel differently
,’ I admitted.

Rose looked sad and pulled away, leaving me again alone in my thoughts. It was easier that way, but it also wasn’t what I really wanted. Every moment with Rose was a war inside myself. ‘What she wants is for me never to have existed.’

‘She doesn’t hate you.’

‘No. But she doesn’t like me, either.’ Rose cringed. ‘I guess she has reason.’

‘Don’t worry. I don’t expect
anything of you.’

Rose looked away from me. ‘Otto, everything is just … confused, and …’

I squeezed her wrist, briefly, very gently.
‘I know.’

She frowned. ‘Are you coming back to the party, or did you want to go home too?’

I shook my head.
‘I don’t know,’
I signed.
‘I don’t want to go.’

‘Come on back,’ she said, taking my hand. ‘Your brother is contemplating starting a food fight and I swear
Hilary is about to swoon in the lap of the bass player. I need all the help I can get here.’ She took my arm and led me back to the party. ‘I’m sorry about the pool. I didn’t realize you couldn’t swim. Come over and I can teach you some time.’

I raised my hand, catching her attention.
‘It’s not that
,’ I signed.
‘I
can
swim. I just
don’t
swim.’

‘Why not?’

‘It’s complicated
.’

Rose held out her
hand. ‘Explain it to me.’

I reached out to her, and then pulled back.
‘Later
,’ I signed.

‘Why later?’

It was really more difficult than I wanted to get into.
‘Maybe I’ll show you sometime,’
I signed instead. I had no intention of showing her what I meant in the middle of all these people.

Rose looked coy. ‘I’ll hold you to that,’ she said with a mischievous grin. Then she grabbed my arm, and
dragged me back to the party.

Overwrought
finished their set and made a formal farewell to Rose. She came up and thanked them all individually, and then couldn’t quite stop Hilary from coming up and begging their autographs. They were very patient with their fourteen-year-old groupie, and finally managed to extricate themselves and their instruments away from the pool.

Xavier came back to show
them out. I watched him through the fence, formal and stiff and very gracious. I could see how he and Rose had once come from the same generation.

By now it was getting quite late in the afternoon. Penny suggested we go back in the pool, but Rose was uncomfortable about that idea now she’d realized I couldn’t swim, so she cast about for something else for us to do. Quin made the suggestion that
‘pool party’ could mean billiards as well, and persuaded us to follow him to Unicorn Estates’ billiard room. He and Jamal played a few times before Molly asked to play the winner – who was of course Quin. She flattened him, much to everyone’s amusement.

By this time Penny had begged Kayin to show her the stables, and Hilary had gone with them. Bren and Tristan’s ongoing competition had degenerated
to table tennis, and the two of them were chasing ping-pong balls around the room. Quin lost his temper along with his third game to Molly and announced he was going for a walk, leaving Molly and Jamal playing contentedly, crowing the various virtues of their respective moons. There had always been quite a rivalry between them. Molly was an economist in the making. She kept trying to tell Jamal
that Europa’s trade policies were unconscionably steep, and therefore economically unstable, and Jamal basically didn’t care. It made Jamal scathing of her, and Molly short with him. Only in UniPrep could those two have been part of the same clique.

Even though everyone seemed content enough, I knew Rose was bored. Her hands kept twitching as if aching to hold a paint brush. I could invite her
to play a game of snooker – which she would have lost – or I could give her my present. I debated it for a bit. Before she had overheard me and Nabiki, I would have been more hesitant. Now, I wondered, what it could hurt.
‘Hey
,’ I signed to her.
‘I have a present for you.’

Rose looked chagrined.
‘I said no gifts!’
she signed back.

‘I didn’t buy it with money,’
I signed.

She sighed. ‘Where is
it?’

I pointed back towards the pool, and Rose frowned. ‘Okay,’ she said. She stopped and checked with Bren, making sure he’d play host while she was gone. He nodded at her before striking a ping-pong ball viciously at Tristan’s head.

‘Okay,’ Rose said as we headed back out onto the patio. The servitors had already neatened up the buffet, and everything looked clean and expensive again. Everyone’s
towels were neatly hung or carefully folded, all the chairs were back in place. ‘So what did you get me?’

I think I was blushing.
‘I know you didn’t want anything,’
I signed to her. I didn’t think I could bear touching her just then.
‘So I wrote something for you.’

Rose looked embarrassed. ‘Otto,’ she chided me. ‘You really didn’t have to.’

‘
I wrote it for you months ago,’
I told her.
‘I just
wasn’t sure I’d ever give it to you.’

‘Oh,’ Rose said. She swallowed.

‘Don’t worry,’
I signed.
‘It’s not anything …’
I couldn’t find a word.
‘It won’t change anything.’

Rose nodded. ‘Okay,’ she said.

I got my notescreen and pulled up the proper page. I handed it to her, and then I swallowed. I touched her hand and gave her the words as she read them. I had them memorized.

To Walk Alone.

I had determined many years ago

That destiny had scored my lonely path,

And I had been ordained as one so low

That I must walk through blood-soaked aftermath.

As death and solitude should scar my life

Then all that stood about me stood apart.

And I would walk alone along the knife,

And never more would any touch my heart.

But while I walked alone, my life deserted,

A briar rose was wakened
with the spring,

And with her graceful pain was I enchanted,

I learn to love whatever she may bring.

Now when I think upon my life of rain

I think of Rose, and never feel the pain.

Yes. I had written her an Elizabethan sonnet. I was writing her poetry. BAD POETRY! This was the pitiful level I had been reduced to! But, against all sense, it actually seemed to work. ‘Oh, Otto,’ Rose whispered,
and she stared at me. Suddenly she grinned. ‘You’ve gone purple.’

My only consolation was that she was glowing red. The sunset fired the sky orange, and Rose was a flame. My eyes were drawn from her quite literally stunning body to the still, empty pool.

No. I couldn’t. It was too early. I’d only just admitted how I felt – though granted, it appeared she had known for a while. Instead I just
watched her. Her mouth opened slightly as she read the poem again. ‘I …’ She looked down. ‘I wish I could show you what this means to me.’

I swallowed.
‘You can,’
I signed. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do. My mouth was dry and my hands trembled and my heart stuttered wildly. But I sidled up beside Rose and gently took hold of her hand. I tried to keep my mental shields up, but I don’t
know how much of my nervousness passed to her as I asked,
‘You want to see why I don’t swim?
’

Rose dropped the screen and turned to me, grinning. ‘Yes!’ she said with enthusiasm.

I nodded, releasing her.
‘Okay
,’ I signed. ‘
Stay there
.’

‘Here?’

‘Right there. I’ll tell you when to come in.’

I took a deep breath as I stripped off my shirt. I wondered if I had hoped it would come to this; I’d
unconsciously chosen shorts which could double as swim trunks. I took another deep breath as I poised at the edge of the deep end. Here I was. Not too late to back out, I reminded myself. But after what had happened this evening with Nabiki, I knew I wasn’t going to. Something definitive had to happen with me and Rose, or I was likely to go insane, and drag others down with me.

I dove into the
pool barely leaving a ripple, letting the water swirl over my body, carry me away. The temperature was perfect, of course, in carefully controlled Unicorn Estates – just cool enough to feel comfortable. I swam half the length of the pool, getting used to the sensations. I only swam late at night, or on days when there was no one else in the school pool. Which was something of a shame, because I
actually loved swimming. I was extremely good at it, too. I loved the feeling of buoyancy in the water, the freedom of flight that it gave me.

I finally turned and looked at Rose, still fired in the sunset. She stared at me, confused. ‘You swim better than I do.’

I nodded.
‘Come in,’
I signed.

Rose moved for the ladder.

I clapped my hands at her. ‘
No,’
I signed.
‘Jump.’

‘Why?’

I didn’t
reply, I just stared at her. My eyes can sometimes disturb people, the wide yellow gaze which doesn’t seem quite human. Rose opened her mouth and then swallowed. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘But I can’t dive.’

She paused at the edge of the pool and then jumped, far out into the centre. This could either go spectacularly well, or terribly badly. I tried to lock down my mind so that she wouldn’t have too
much of a shock.

Rose nearly sucked in a breath under water as she realized what was happening. I prepared myself to catch her and drag her back to the surface, but she controlled herself and made for the air. As her head broke out of the water her eyes were fixed on me. ‘Otto!’ she whispered.

But she didn’t have to speak. I was already inside her mind, absorbing every nuance, swimming through
her consciousness as much as I was through the water. Her thoughts were a ripple of stunned and almost frightened confusion. She hadn’t imagined anything like this.

‘I can hear everything in the water,’
I told her.
‘See everything. Touch everybody.
’

She could see why I never swam. I chuckled – Rose was one of the few people I ever let hear me laugh.

To be in a pool with someone was always very
intimate for me. It felt like being two people at once – much more encompassing than just touching someone. When I touched someone, I knew I could let go, and it would all go away again. It’s a bit like reading a book, and you know at any point you can put the book down and return to your own life. But in the water you can’t escape. It’s more of a surrender. Unless we climbed out of the pool,
Rose couldn’t escape my mind, and I most certainly couldn’t begin to escape hers. And with Rose, the rapport was ten times as intense as it had been with anyone else, ever.

Swimming is not something I’ve done with many people. Some of my siblings – I used to swim quite a lot with 42 – and once with Nabiki, in a hot tub. We decided never to try that again after she’d fainted. I tried to keep that
thought out of my mind, but failed. Rose picked up the thought and smiled sympathetically. She knew how hard it was being me. As always when she sympathized I was struck with those pangs of memory she suffered from when she had allowed her consciousness to fade under the influence of the stasis tube her parents had kept locking her in.

I swam around Rose like an otter, trying not to let her overwhelm
me, but I couldn’t stop reaching for those beautiful wild patches of subconscious. For her part, she felt awed. I couldn’t suppress a rush of pride at that; that I was something in fact awesome.