No Life But This (8 page)

‘That was why my uncle went there,’ Bren said.
‘Because things there were so chaotic, the reports from the scientific community were being corrupted. He went up there to stop that. And to get away from his ex-wife, but that’s not the point. Rose is … fragile. Seeing all of that could do things to her,’ he finished. ‘I don’t think she should go.’

‘She knows things she doesn’t realize she knows,
’ I told him.
‘You should have faith in her. She
doesn’t say everything she thinks.’

‘Then what kind of a leader could she possibly be?’

‘You can’t separate Rose from her position
,’ I realized.
‘I see the person. You see the princess.
’

‘I was raised at the epicentre of UniCorp politics,’ Bren pointed out. And I had been raised isolated in a lab, he didn’t say. But it was there. ‘I have to see the princess. And that’s just the thing. Everyone
else will, too. Once it gets out that “The Fitzroy” herself is on her way to Europa, all hell is going to break loose up there. The Fitzroys founded the place! It’s like getting a visit from Caesar. And you know what happened to him.’

‘
You make it sound like the whole moon is about to explode,’
I told him silently.
‘There comes a point where the chaos becomes the status quo. I know Europa isn’t
perfect; I live with Jamal, remember? But I also know that it’s perfectly safe if you know where you’re going.’

‘Nothing is perfectly safe,’ Bren said. ‘Not even here. If a Plastine assassin can go after Rose here, in ComUnity, how much danger do you think she’ll be in if she goes off to the colonies?’

I frowned.
‘Wait a minute. Are you worried
for
her, or worried
about
her? Make up your mind.’

‘Can’t I worry about everything?’

I was incredulous. ‘
Since when do you worry about anything at all?
’ I asked.
‘Nothing’s ever mattered to you but tennis.
’

‘No,’ Bren said, and he sounded annoyed. ‘Everything matters. It would
all
matter too much to me if I let it. I’d go crazy. It shouldn’t be my job to save the world.’

‘It’s not your job to save Rose either,’
I said.
‘Look, what’s going to
happen is going to happen. She learned how to make her own decisions, and this is one.’

Bren’s mind darkened. He hadn’t realized when she learned to become a whole person that his influence with her would fade. He couldn’t decide if he was glad or not.

‘Don’t let it end like this. Take her down for a game or to the art gallery. Don’t let her go with you two at odds.
’

‘I know, O Wonderful Counsellor,’
Bren said. ‘I’ll make it up to her.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Still don’t think she should go.’

‘You could come, too.’

‘Mom wouldn’t let me. She misses Uncle Ted something awful, and Granddad raised her with a dim view towards stasis. She wouldn’t let her only son have bits of his childhood snatched like that. That’s how she’d see it.’

I wasn’t surprised.

Bren looked down at me. ‘I’m gonna
miss you,’ he said earnestly. ‘Both of you. Coit, I hope this works, and you’ll come back better. Take care of her, okay?’

‘I thought I was the sick one.’

‘I’m going to tell her the same thing,’ Bren said standing up. ‘Hopefully you can take care of each other without my help.’

‘Prince Charming,’
I signed at him.

‘Oh, shut up,’ Bren snapped, but he was grinning as he left.

Dr Bija came to
see me for one final session before I left. We both knew it would probably be the last time I saw her. I had plenty to tell her. The day before I had had my Bon Voyage party, and it hadn’t been pretty. I’d managed to get myself dressed and upright, managed to look happy and excited about my trip. Everyone was there – school was about to start and Wil and Anastasia had come back from their vacations.
But we had to have the party at the lab. Then Nabiki guessed almost instantly that I was not well.

‘What happened?’ Dr Bija asked.

She freaked, I wrote to her. Dr Bija couldn’t understand much sign, and she didn’t want to do all of our sessions in my head – she said it wasn’t clear enough – so I wrote out my responses on my notescreen. Usually I won’t do this for people. If they’re too unpleasant
for me to touch, and too ignorant or stubborn to learn sign language, I’d rather not talk to them at all. But I’d started showing Dr Bija some of my journal entries, and it became very natural to write her letters. I suppose I should have guessed she’d know. She’s known for so long.

‘Yes. Nabiki has been a very important part of your life, and you of hers. What do you mean by “freaked”?’

She
started screaming at me, I wrote. She said she hated me, and she called Rose a bitch, and threw a chair. I tried to get up to stop her, but I was dizzy, and I staggered when I stood up, and she kind of … sobbed. I’ve never seen Nabiki look like that. All that was strong in her was just gone. She ran out, and Quin followed her. To my horror. I mean, of all things to throw at her right then, Quin!
No one deserves that.

‘He’s your brother.’

So I should know! I wrote, and Dr Bija chuckled. I tried to stop him, but I was too dizzy. I fell on the stairs, and Bren and Tristan had to help me back to bed. When I woke up it was too late. Quin was back. With a broken nose, I might add. At least he got what was coming to him. Too bad they fixed it. It’s straighter than it was, his profile keeps
surprising me. Poor Nabiki.

‘Do you think she’s going to be all right?’

I shook my head. I wrote her a letter. She hasn’t responded, but I guess she doesn’t have to. It was kind of a goodbye letter.

Dr Bija nodded. ‘How did Rose respond to Nabiki?’

She cried. She was sorry. She’s Rose.

‘Will she be all right?’

I laughed fondly at the thought. She’s Rose, I wrote again. Rose knows, I added.
How I feel about her. She says she’s always known.

Dr Bija smiled, and I knew she’d had known this all along, too. It’s strange with the two of us having the same counsellor – she must find listening to us all quite the holonovella. ‘Does that change things between you?’

A little
,
I admitted. Not enough.

‘But she is going with you to Europa.’ Dr Bija stayed in close contact with Dr Svarog,
so she knew my general state of affairs – my job was usually only to tell her my state of mind.

Bren doesn’t think it’s a good idea for her to go.

‘I think you should let Bren and Rose, and frankly me, worry about her. We’re here to talk about you today.’

I smiled.

‘For yourself, are you glad that Rose is going with you?’

More than you can possibly imagine.

‘Would you like to show me?’

I touched her hand and did so. The hope and comfort the thought gave me, the excitement of the trip itself, the quiet, underlying terror of the journey which might well kill me. All of it. Dr Bija sucked in a breath and I toned my thoughts down. She was older than most of the people I touched regularly, and sometimes she found my mental exuberance a little overwhelming. It was always more intrusive
to force my thoughts into the more crystallized minds of older people.

‘Well. You are happy, then,’ Dr Bija said.

I shrugged.

‘Is there anything that is bothering you?’

I looked away, and then finally wrote it on my screen. 42’s back.

‘Back?’ Dr Bija asked. ‘You find yourself thinking of her a lot?’

No. She’s back. Full force. Every snide comment, every arrogant laugh.

She waited for me
to write more, but I wouldn’t. ‘All right. I’m surprised you haven’t told me this before. How long has this been going on?’

I closed my eyes. I’m not sure, I wrote. Since this summer, I think, but I ignored her a lot. She’s been getting louder slowly.

‘Okay. So we’re back to this. Two years ago it seemed very clear to you that this manifestation wasn’t really 42. Have you reevaluated that assessment
now?’

I shook my head, no.

‘So do you think this voice in your head is really 42’s soul?’

I shook my head again.

‘So if it isn’t … if it’s just a manifestation you’ve created of her … why is she back now?’

I signed furiously, slapping my forehead in annoyance,
‘I don’t know! I don’t KNOW!’

She grabbed my wrist to keep me from injuring myself. She had been given strict instructions from Dr
Svarog to keep me calm. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. Fortunately, Mina was an almost immediately relaxing personality. She let me go. ‘Okay. Let’s think about this.’

My personal neurosis was not something I liked to think about. It all started from thinking too much in the first place. After 42 died, I was alone and grieving. And somewhere out of my grief, 42’s voice had risen out
of my mind. At the time I had told myself that I had taken her spirit as she died. Rather than letting her die, I had taken her mind print into me, and I had become two people. It had been comforting. She wasn’t really dead. In fact, I was never alone. She sat behind my eyes and watched everything that happened as if she were really there with me.

But after I began talking to Dr Bija, and finally
admitted the existence of this ‘other person’ inside me, she had forced me to question it. Rather than question the existential possibilities of life after death where my telepathic powers were concerned – that was not her role as a psychologist, she said, and was more the role of a priest or a philosopher – she only asked me to question whether or not 42’s presence in my mind was affecting me
positively or negatively.

And I had been forced to admit that her presence had not been positive. The voice was angry and hopeless. It kept my grief fresh, and was making it difficult to form real friendships with my schoolmates – with Nabiki, for one.

Once I had come to my own conclusions that she was not helpful, I began to question whether she was really 42. I wanted it to be 42. I didn’t
want her to be dead. But finally, after a year of considering it, I realized that my own mind had formed through my entire childhood with the pattern of 42’s mind continually in contact. 42 was gone, but the pathways she had formed in my mind were still there – and it was more likely that my own mind supplied the voice for it.

The day I realized this I’d cried in Dr Bija’s office for an hour.
It was as if 42 had died again – almost as if I had killed her. But after that, I felt relieved. 42’s voice hadn’t gone away immediately after that, but I stopped focusing on it very much. I didn’t even notice when it finally faded altogether.

‘When did she return?’

I swallowed.
‘I really heard her properly after Rose’s birthday.’

‘After your attack,’ Dr Bija said. ‘Why do you think this voice
has manifested itself again now?’

‘
I don’t know,’
I signed again – gently, this time.

‘What kinds of things does she say?’

I turned to my screen. Mostly she just laughs at me. Usually when I’m feeling sick, or someone is trying to be nice.

‘Ah,’ Dr Bija said.

She doesn’t like Rose.

‘Anything else?’

I could hear her right then, goading me. (
Go on. Tell her!)

She says I’m going to die soon.

‘Do you think she’s right?’

I could taste the tears in the back of my throat as I thought about this. I know she is.

‘Do you think it’s possible you think, somehow, that you need her to get through this troubling time?’

I shrugged. She says it’s because I’m going to be like her soon, so I’m closer to her.

‘Is that thought comforting, or troubling?’

I thought about this. Both
,
I admitted.

‘Do you want to die?’

I don’t have any control over that at this point. Unless you’re advocating suicide.

‘Never that,’ Dr Bija said, only slightly humorously. ‘So you don’t want to die?’

I thought about this. If I am dying, and if death really is just a crossing over to some other plane, then … I guess it’s nice to think I won’t be alone there.

‘Do you feel alone here?’

Always.

‘Even with
Rose and your sisters and your friends?’

I looked down. I didn’t need to write, sign or say it. It was clear my answer was yes.

‘I wish I could help you, Otto,’ Mina said. She usually didn’t express her own feelings at all. I looked up at her, acknowledging her affection. ‘Is there anything else you’d like to say?’

I took a deep breath and pulled up my screen. Finally, I wrote five simple words
on it, right in the centre of everything. Five tiny, impotent words, screaming out with the voice I didn’t have.

I don’t want to die.

Dr Bija gently placed her hand on my wrist.
‘I know you don’t, Otto,’
she thought softly. ‘I don’t want you to, either.’ Then she sighed. ‘Maybe we’re thinking about this the wrong way. Maybe you do only have a short time left. But you’ve always wanted to see
Europa, haven’t you? One of your lifetime goals is about to be accomplished. There are people who live their entire lives without achieving anything. It isn’t the length of life – it’s what you make of it.’

I know, I wrote. I can live no one’s life but my own.

Dr Bija smiled, and that was the end of the session.

*

Right before I left I went to say goodbye to the simple ones. There were only
six of them, and only half of them were intelligent enough to even understand I was leaving. It was always painful to visit the simple ones. Their blank faces and dull eyes did not inspire one with hope. But I managed to play a game of Go-Fish with Niney and Toseph (19 and 27) and Fifen (54) drew me a picture. Those three had an intellect about that of a four-year-old. None of the simple ones had
been intelligent enough to select their own names, but their numbers had mostly degenerated into something resembling nomenclature. All of them received a farewell mindscape from me, even Three, in her large crib, who frankly didn’t have much mental capacity beyond that of a newborn. I constructed a mental garden for them, something pretty with unicorns and flowers and fairies. They always loved
it when I thought up pretty things for them. Fifen cried when she learned I wasn’t going to be back for a long time. Toseph got angry and kicked me, but I’m used to that.