No Longer Mine (8 page)

“company” clothes, but as she hadn’t really invited anybody to come for a visit, did it matter?

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No Longer Mine

She did pause by the bathroom to splash some water on her face and pull her hair up into a ponytail, but that was all the effort she wanted to expend.

By the time she was done a knock sounded on the door. Through the beveled cut of the glass, Nikki could make out a dark shadow. The polite smile she had fixed on her face wobbled, then collapsed, when she opened the door.

Wade.

He was staring out over the verandah, hands tucked into his back pockets. He turned as she went still, his eyes sweeping over her from head to toe, much as she was gazing at him. Finally, their eyes met, but she still didn’t have a single word to say. Her heart was pounding fast and hard.

You still look the same
,
she thought helplessly as her eyes searched for changes. His face looked a little more solemn and he looked like he had filled out a little more in his chest, but other than that and the shorter hair, he hadn’t changed much at all.

Maybe if I close my eyes and wish hard enough, the past few years will just fade away
,
she thought, leaning against the doorjamb, swallowing.
Just a bad dream…

And then she kicked herself. No. She wouldn’t undo them, even if she could. Not for anything would she give up the brief time she had with Jason.

Wade looked so exactly the way he always had.

But she had changed. Nothing in her life was the same now. Nothing at all. And as empty as her life was, she didn’t think there was room in it for the likes of Wade Lightfoot.

Thank God, he was alone. She couldn’t take it if he had brought his daughter with him.

“Nikki.”

“Wade.”

He looked away, a sigh escaping his lips. He looked…flustered. Under her steady gaze his hands left his pockets, thumbs hooking in his belt loops as he rocked back on his heels. She could still remember the pleasure those hands had been able to evoke.

“I was surprised to see you here,” he said, his voice sounding tight and rusty.

“Were you?” Nikki asked calmly, trying very hard to pretend she hadn’t taken off running from him.

She didn’t quite succeed. That dark red flush, the very bane of a redhead’s existence, spread up from her neck, heating her flesh, staining her cheeks, but she determinedly ignored it.

Wade blew a sigh out, his eyes narrowing. With irritation written all over his face, he said, “I was even more surprised when you took off running like a jackrabbit, Nikki. I’ve never known you to run before.”

“I’m hardly the same person you knew, Wade. There’s a lot about me you don’t know.”

“I wouldn’t think turning yellow would be something to be proud of.”

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43

Shiloh Walker

Nikki narrowed her eyes. “It’s not a matter of turning yellow. I didn’t want to see you or talk to you.

So why hang around?” That was mostly the truth, right?

“Fair enough,” he said with a slow nod. “How long have you lived here?”

“A while. We moved here after we left Louisville.”

“You and your brothers.”

“And my dad.” She leaned against the door jamb, crossing her arms over her chest. She supposed she could be nice and invite him inside. But she didn’t want him in this house, in her safe haven. It might be empty, but it was some place that was free from memories of him and she’d rather keep it that way.

“Your dad.” A faint smile curled his lips. “How’s he doing?”

“Good. Actually, he’s better than he’s been in a long time.” The past five years had been sober ones for Jack Kline, something Nikki still couldn’t quite believe. But then again, he’d had one hell of a wake-up call. When your twenty-year-old, formerly healthy daughter collapses right in front of you, it tends to scare even the most stalwart of men.

“That’s good. I’ve seen your books. Bought them, as a matter of fact. Congratulations, Nikki. You did exactly what you said you would do,” he told her, his eyes gleaming. “I’m proud of you.” She just stared at him, careful not to let him see that those words had any effect on her. They
shouldn’t.
Not at all. But they did. In a flat voice that she hoped covered her chaotic emotions, she told him,

“I couldn’t care less if you’re proud of me or not. I didn’t do it for you. It wasn’t about you or for you. It never was.”

With a careless shrug, Nikki added, “You never really cared all that much about it anyway. It has nothing to do with you.”

His mouth spasmed slightly and he said wearily, “No. I don’t guess it does.” He studied her again, his eyes narrowed and intense. “Yeah,” he finally said quietly, as though to himself. “I guess you have changed.”

“It’s to be expected, I’d think. I’m not the person I used to be, any more than you are the person I thought I knew,” Nikki said. “I certainly never would have expected what you did to me. Or expect you to hide it the way you did. I wonder, if Jamie hadn’t gotten pregnant, would you ever have told me?”

“No,” Wade said, clearly and without hesitation. “I wanted to. Hell, it was killing me inside. But I couldn’t lose you. It was the wrong decision. I know that now. Hell, I knew then. But if she hadn’t been pregnant, you never would have known.” His eyes met hers straight on, unblinking and steady.

Looking away, Nikki absently rubbed the back of her neck. Why did it still hurt so much? Hadn’t enough time passed for her to be over this by now, over him? “Well, at least you can be honest about it now,” she said quietly. “But it’s a little late.” Closing her eyes, she summoned up her strength. Then she looked back at him coolly. “What are you doing here, Wade?” 44

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No Longer Mine

“I guess I wanted to apologize,” he told her, turning away. He walked to the edge of the verandah and braced his elbows on the railing. A breeze lifted the edges of his hair, tugging at them, while the sun gleamed down on it. Broad shoulders strained at the seams of his shirt. His voice was lower as he spoke again. “I made a lot of mistakes with you, Nikki. I hurt you. And I’m sorrier than you will ever know.” Nikki’s eyes closed briefly and she lowered her head. Pressing her fingers to her eyes, she thought,
Sorry…? He is sorry?

With a sigh she looked back at him, her eyes searching for something she couldn’t quite define. She had experienced too much grief in her life over the past few years to wish it on another, even somebody who had hurt her as much as he had.

He meant it. Wade looked…tired. As if the past few years hadn’t been easy on him. Despite what had happened, she hadn’t wished him ill. She had never wanted him to be unhappy.

He was though. There was unhappiness in those dark eyes, in every line of his body.

Nikki moved out of the doorway, shutting it behind her. In her bare feet, she padded over to the porch swing and sat. Drawing a knee to her chest, she studied him. “Apology accepted, Wade.”

“Just like that?” he asked, turning to face her. With disbelief in his eyes, he stared at her, watching her closely. “Aren’t you going to rant and rave, or give me the cold shoulder?”

“It’s in the past now, Wade. I’ve never wished you ill. It just wasn’t meant to be with us, and I’ve accepted that,” she said, shrugging and looking away from him. “It wouldn’t do any good to rant and rave now.”

Damn, I’m good.
Nikki could almost believe it herself, almost convince herself her heart wasn’t bleeding inside. But the past seemed like it was just yesterday, the pain still every bit as true as it had been then.

But convincing herself wasn’t what mattered. All she had to do was convince him. Make sure he didn’t know she hadn’t accepted or dealt with anything, at least not very well. Make sure he didn’t know she woke up crying at night for their son…and yes, very often for him.

Frowning, Wade stared at her. With a heavy sigh, he looked away. “How have you been doing the past few years? Did you finish college?”

“No.” How could she tell him that she’d never gone back, that her interest in it had been gone, that she’d been too depressed to care about a nursing career at that time? And later, when she had been interested, the doctor had strictly forbidden it. She hadn’t needed that stress then. After that, when she had Jason, she had been too happy, too satisfied to need anything else.

And now…now she just didn’t care. About anything.

“Why not?” Wade asked, another frown darkening his face. “I guess with as big as your books got, you didn’t need it, but it always seemed to be one of the most important things in your life. That and writing.”

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45

Shiloh Walker

“No,” she corrected. “
You
were the most important thing. Writing is just a part of me. Nursing fell way below you.”

Closing his eyes, Wade swore quietly under his breath. “Damn it, Nikki. You always did know how to twist the knife.”

Nikki ignored him as she added, “Besides, nursing didn’t seem quite so important once things with the books took off. A writing career turned out to be a lot more demanding than I’d expected anyway.

Writing
turns out only to be half of what I end up doing. I didn’t need to juggle both, so I decided not to.” A half-truth. Nursing school fell by the wayside and she never made the attempt to pursue it as writing became her focus. But for a while even writing hadn’t mattered all that much.

Writing had still been important, but it hadn’t been the all-consuming passion it had once been. It was important because it was a job, how she provided for her son.

It wasn’t until Jason was suddenly gone that she started to cling to her writing like it was a lifesaver.

During her pregnancy and while Jason had been alive, she had written only because she had been determined to make certain her son had a good life, better than her own childhood had been.

Later, after she had come home to an empty house and stared at Jason’s empty room, the need for her stories had resurfaced. Like a drowning man clings to a life preserver, she wrapped herself in her make-believe worlds and tried to forget. And while she wrote, for a little while, she’d been able to.

Without the stories she would have lost her mind. It was all she had left now…

A feeling of despair was rising in her, her throat tightening, her eyes stinging. An empty house, a handful of books and an empty nursery.

Damn it, if you get right down to it, I don’t really have much at all
,
she thought bleakly.

Determined to keep thoughts like that away, she said the one thing guaranteed to help her get back on track, to get refocused and to get him the hell off her mountain.

“Your daughter looks just like you, Wade. I imagine you and Jamie are very proud of her.”

“Jamie’s dead.”

Just as she congratulated herself on the return of her composure, she felt her foundation crumple under her. Shaken to the core, she closed her eyes as his words echoed over in her mind.

Jamie’s dead.
So calmly, so flatly stated.
Jamie’s dead.

“What?” she whispered.

“Jamie’s dead. She died three years ago, Nikki.”

It was then that she finally noticed he wore no wedding ring.

Jamie’s dead.

Nikki felt as though the ground had opened up under her, leaving her standing on thin air. Scrabbling for purchase.

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No Longer Mine

The woman she had spent years hating was suddenly no longer alive to hate. One hand went to rub at her stomach, which was churning with all the stress she was keeping bottled up.

Shakily, she said, “I’m sorry.” Her gaze flew up to meet his, certain she would see total desolation there, but all she saw was a distant sort of regret before he turned away, staring out into the trees that lined the northwestern side of her property.

Wade was silent for so long she wondered if he was going to speak at all. When he finally did, his voice was so quiet she could hardly hear him.

“Don’t be. She was miserable with me, Nicole. I did the best I could, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted. She never could understand that I didn’t love her, that I was only there because of Abby. She had my name and a ring, but nothing else.”

Turning to her, Wade stared at her with intense eyes, mesmerizing eyes. Unable to look away, Nikki sat helplessly as he moved closer to her. He sank down on his knees in front of her, reaching out to trace the line of her jaw with a feathery touch. Softly, he said, “She could never understand that in my heart, I still belonged to you.”

“Don’t say that, Wade. We ended the night you told me she was pregnant.” Jerking her face away from his touch, Nikki gave a harsh laugh. “Hell. We were over the night you spent with her. I just didn’t know it.”

“None of that changed the fact that I loved you. None of that changed the fact that I still do love you.” Still staring at her with those dark eyes that held her pinned to her seat, he lifted her left hand, studying it intently. Gently, he pressed a kiss to the back of it. If he noticed the trembling, he didn’t remark on it.

“No wedding ring, Nikki. But is there somebody in your heart now? Am I going to have to fight to get you back?” His voice dropped as he spoke, as he hooked one hand behind her head, drawing her closer.

His softly spoken words, dark hypnotic eyes had soothed her, lulled her into believing, into hoping, dreaming.
If only
, she thought wistfully.

The gentle touch of his lips on hers broke her out of her spell.

“No,” Nikki said, her voice faint. “No.” Her voice was stronger this time. She shoved him away and shot to her feet, moving to the far railing. “I’m not interested in rekindling an old flame, Wade. I’m certainly not interested in reliving the past or rebuilding something between us.”

“Why not?” Wade asked, moving on silent feet until he stood so close she could feel his body heat warming her back.

Turning around, she pressed a hand against his chest, determined to keep him at a distance. It wasn’t enough though. And it didn’t help. She could feel the heat of him, the warmth. She could feel his heart racing against her hand.