No More Mr. Nice Guy! (7 page)

The irony is that no one really values Cal for his attachments. Further, his dependency on external validation actually prevents people from getting to know him just as he is. None of these things have anything to do with who he is as a person. Nevertheless, they are the things he believes give him identity and value.

Seeking The Approval Of Women

Nice Guys seek external validation in just about every social situation, but their quest for approval is the most pronounced in their relationships with women. Nice Guys interpret a woman's approval as the ultimate validation of their worth. Signs of a woman's approval can take the form of her desire to have sex, flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, or attentiveness. At the other end of the spectrum, if a woman is depressed, in a bad mood, or angry, Nice Guys interpret these things to mean that she is not accepting or approving of them.

There are numerous negative consequences in seeking the approval of women.

Seeking women's approval requires Nice Guys to constantly monitor the possibility of a woman's
availability.
The
possibility of availability
is a term I use to describe the subjective measure of a woman's sexual availability. Since Nice Guys see sex as the ultimate form of acceptance, and they believe a woman must be in a good mood before she will have sex, these men are constantly diligent to not do anything that might upset a woman whom they desire. In addition, if a woman they desire is angry, depressed, or in a bad mood, they believe they must do something quickly — lie, offer solutions, sacrifice self, manipulate — to fix it.

The possibility of availability extends beyond just sex. Since Nice Guys have been conditioned by their families and society to never do anything to upset a woman, they are hyper-vigilant in responding to the moods and desires of women they don't even plan on having sex with.

Seeking women's approval gives women the power to set the tone of the relationship.
Nice Guys constantly report that their own moods are often tied to the moods of their partner. If she is happy and doing OK, so is he. If she is angry, depressed, or stressed, he will feel anxious until she is fixed. This connection runs so deep that many Nice Guys have told me that they feel guilty if they are in a good mood when their partner is not.

Seeking women's approval gives women the power to define men and determine their worth.
If a woman says he is "wrong" or thinks he is a "jerk," a Nice Guy will be inclined to believe she is right.

Even if the Nice Guy argues with the woman's evaluation, at some level he knows that since she is the woman, she must be right. (One Nice Guy asked me, "If a man is talking in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?")

Seeking women's approval creates rage toward women.
Though most Nice Guys claim to "love"

women, the truth is, most of these men have tremendous rage toward women. This is because we tend to eventually despise whatever we make into our god. When our god fails to respond in the ways we expect, we humans tend to respond in one of two ways. We either blindly intensify our acts of worship or lash out in righteous anger. When Nice Guys put a woman or women on a pedestal and attempt to win their approval, sooner or later, this adoration will turn to rage when these objects of worship fail to live up to the Nice Guys' expectations. This is why it is not unusual to hear a Nice Guy proclaim his undying love to a woman in one breath and then ragefully call her a "f . . . c . . ." only moments later.

I have found that many gay Nice Guys are just as susceptible as straight men to seeking women's approval. As long as the gay Nice Guy can convince himself that he is not sexually attracted to women, he can delude himself into thinking that women don't have any power over him.

Breaking Free Activity #5

If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently?

If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships with
the opposite sex be different?

Cover-Up Artists

When my son Steve was nine years old, he accidentally poked some holes in our kitchen table with a ballpoint pen. When he realized what he had done, he immediately showed his mother the damage.

Steve had appropriate, healthy shame about his mistake. He knew that his actions had caused damage to the table. He also knew that he had to take responsibility. Most importantly, he knew he wasn't bad.

If I had done the same thing as a child (or even as an adult), I would have had an attack of toxic shame and tried my best to hide or deny what I had done. I would have been convinced someone was going to be angry at me and stop loving me. I would have lived with the secret as well as a constant fear of being found out.

Numerous Nice Guys have commented that they could relate to my son's situation. Without exception, every one of them has admitted that they would have done the opposite of what Steve did — tried to cover it up.

As stated above, everything a Nice Guy does is calculated to try to win approval or avoid disapproval.

Since Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they see any mistake or perceived flaw as proof that they are bad and unlovable. They believe that if anyone sees how bad they really are, they will be hurt, shamed, or abandoned. As a result, Nice Guys are consummate cover-up artists.

Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived shortcoming . . .

● If they forget something.

● If they are late.

● If they break something.

● If they don't understand something.

● If they do something wrong.

● If they are depressed.

● If they are in pain.

● If they generally mess up.

The Nice Guy's need to hide is often the most pronounced in areas that are just part of being human and alive.

● That they are sexual.

● That they have bodily functions.

● That they are getting older.

● That they are losing their hair.

● That they have needs.

● That they are imperfect.

Breaking Free Activity #6

Look over the lists above. Write down examples of situations in which you have tried to hide or
distract attention from any of these perceived flaws. How effective do you think you are in keeping
these things hidden from the people you love?

Hiding The Evidence

Nice Guys find many creative ways to cover up their perceived flaws and mistakes. These include:
Lying

Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. Ironically, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. Nice Guys will tell lies, partial truths, and omit information if they believe it will prevent someone from focusing on them in a negative way.

Drawing On Their Account

Since Nice Guys strive so hard to be good, giving, and caring, they believe these acts should build up a credit that wipes clean any wrong they might do. Part of the Nice Guy's belief is that if he does most things right, no one should ever notice the few things (if any) he does wrong.

Fixing

Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a mistake or act inappropriately, they apologize, make amends, or repair the damage. Conversely, Nice Guys try to fix situations by doing whatever it takes to get the other person to stop being upset.

DEER Response

DEER is an acronym I use for:
Defend Explain Excuse Rationalize
. These are all fear-based behaviors used to distract others from focusing on the Nice Guy's mistakes and "badness." The Nice Guy is most likely to go into the DEER Response when he has done something or failed to do something, and someone (usually wife, partner, or boss) confronts him and expresses his or her feelings.

Turning The Tables

If someone gets angry at a Nice Guy or points out some flaw or mistake, his shame will be triggered. In an attempt to distract himself and the other person from his "badness" he may try to turn the tables and do something to trigger the other person's shame. I call this
shame dumping
. This unconscious strategy is based on the belief that if the Nice Guy can shift the focus to the other person's badness, he can slip out of the spotlight. Typical shame dumping techniques include blame, bringing up the past, deflection, and pointing out the other person's flaws.

Walls

Nice Guys build walls that prevent others from getting too close. Understandably, this affects their ability to be intimate, but it also protects them from the consequences of being found out. These walls might include: Addictions (food, sex, t.v., alcohol, work, etc.), humor, sarcasm, intellectualism, perfectionism, and isolation.

Teflon Men

As much as Nice Guys try to look good and get people to like them, the above defenses keep people at arm's length. Like most Nice Guy patterns, these unconscious behaviors actually accomplish the exact opposite of what the Nice Guy really craves. While desiring love and connection, his behaviors serve as an invisible force field that keeps people from being able to get close to him.

Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy.

Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting. I often refer to Nice Guys as
Teflon Men.

They work so hard to be smooth, nothing can stick to them. Unfortunately, this Teflon coating also makes it difficult for people to get close. It is actually a person's rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to connect with.

Breaking Free Activity #7

Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you?

How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave you or
stop loving you — no matter what?

Self-Approval

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves changing core paradigms. Instead of seeking external validation and avoiding disapproval, recovering Nice Guys must begin seeking the approval of the only person who really matters — themselves.

Ironically, when Nice Guys begin focusing on pleasing themselves, they actually begin to experience the intimacy and connection with others that they have always desperately craved. To help facilitate this recovery process, Nice Guys can:

● Identify how they seek approval.

● Take good care of themselves.

● Give themselves positive affirmations.

● Spend extended periods of time alone.

● Reveal themselves to safe people.

Identifying Approval-Seeking Behavior Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of
Themselves

As odd as it may sound, Nice Guys have to practice being themselves. One way to begin this process is to pay attention when trying to impress or get approval. Recovering Nice Guys can observe themselves spending extra time on their hair, holding the door open for someone, cleaning the kitchen, or walking with their child in the park — just to get noticed or praised.

As they become aware of how much time and energy they spend trying to garner approval, they can begin living an
inside-out kind of life
. This means, rather than focusing outward for acceptance and approval, they turn inward. In doing so, they can begin asking themselves the important questions:

"What do I want," "What feels right to me," "What would make me happy?"

Earlier in the chapter, I presented Cal as an illustration of how Nice Guys use "attachments" — things outside of themselves to get value. During a session of individual therapy, I asked Cal to make a list of things he used to get approval from others. The next week he brought in a two-page list. I encouraged him to pick one attachment from the list and for the next month, pay attention to how he used it to get value.

Cal decided to focus on his car. Cal kept his car perfectly clean, inside and out. He believed this was one of the things that impressed people and made them like him. He made a conscious decision to not wash or vacuum his car for the next month. While doing so, he would pay attention to how he felt and how people responded to him.

Since Cal lives in the Seattle area, his car soon developed a gray haze from rain and road grime. On numerous occasions, he had to fight the impulse to wash it. When he drove down the road, he was sure that people were looking at his filthy car and judging him. When he drove to work or a friend's house, he waited for someone to shame him. When his daughter drew pictures in the dirt with her finger, it was almost more than he could stand.

At the end of the month Cal washed and waxed his car and felt a sense of relief. Surprisingly enough, during the month, not one person had commented on his dirty car and no one had quit liking him or removed their love from him. Likewise, washing and waxing his car after a month didn't make anyone like him better or garner him any new friends.

Breaking Free Activity #8

Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this chapter. Choose one of
the ways you try to get external validation and do one of the following:
1) Go on a
moratorium
from this behavior. Set a period of time to stop doing it. Tell the people
around you what you are doing. If you slip, tell a safe person about it. Use the slip as information
about why, in that particular moment, you felt the need to get external approval.

2)
Consciously do more
of this behavior. This may not make logical sense, but it is a powerful way
to explore any dysfunctional behavior. Observe how you feel when you consciously try harder to
get external validation.