No More Mr. Nice Guy! (10 page)

1) The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return.

2) When it doesn't seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn't getting what he expected, he feels frustrated and resentful. Remember, the Nice Guy is the one keeping score and he isn't totally objective.

3) When this frustration and resentment builds up long enough, it spills out in the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums, withdrawing, shaming, criticizing, blaming, even physical abuse. Once the cycle has been completed, it usually just begins all over again.

My wife refers to these episodes as
victim pukes.
Sometimes the puking will resemble a child's temper tantrum. Sometimes the victim puke will take a more passive-aggressive form in which the Nice Guy will have an affair or act out in some hidden way. All the while the person doing the puking will feel justified because of the many ways he has been victimized. These victim pukes are one of the primary reasons Nice Guys aren't always so nice.

Shane's relationship with his girlfriend Racquel is a good example of the victim triangle and emotional puking. Shane had Racquel on a pedestal and deep inside, he believed she could only love him if he was

"good enough." In order to win her love he gave her gifts, sent her cards, left phone messages, bought her clothes, planned special surprises, and helped with her home and children.

All of this created a sense of emotional indebtedness for Racquel. She felt like she could never repay Shane for everything he did for her. The truth was — she couldn't. Shane was trying to buy her love —

only the contract wasn't clear. In time, the only way she could cope with his pleasing and caretaking was by pushing him away.

When this happened, Shane was devastated. He couldn't understand why if he had fulfilled his end of the contract, Racquel wouldn't keep hers. He didn't think he was that hard to please. The more Shane gave to Racquel, the more resentful he became. He would accuse her of not loving him. They would have tremendous battles in which they would break up, calling each other all kinds of names. Afterwards Shane would feel frightened and remorseful and pursue Racquel and try to fix things (all the while resenting her for not pursuing him and trying to fix things). He would then start caretaking and pleasing again to win her love. The cycle repeated itself over and over again.

Breaking Free Activity #15

It can be difficult to make a direct link between your caretaking behavior and the emotional pukes
which inevitably follow. Observe the ways you hurt the people you love.

●
Do you make cutting remarks or hurtful "jokes"?

●
Do you embarrass them in public?

●
Are you frequently late?

●
Do you "forget" things they've asked you to do?

●
Do you criticize them?

●
Do you withdraw from them or threaten to leave?

●
Do you let frustration build until you blow up at them?

Ask the significant others in your life to give you feedback about your caretaking and emotional
pukes. This information may be hard to hear and may trigger a shame attack, but it is important
information for breaking out of the victim triangle.

Becoming Truly Selfish

When I began writing this book I shared the early drafts with members of my No More Mr. Nice Guy!

men's groups. On one occasion, a group member stated, "It seems like the whole emphasis of the book is about focusing on one's self. It seems really selfish and self-centered, like the Nice Guy should just think about himself and not worry about anyone else."

Even though I did not set out to write
No More Mr. Nice Guy!
with this theme in mind, this group member's comments contained an important truth that I hadn't even been fully conscious of before then.

Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on
learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority.

Most Nice Guys are astonished when I tell them that it is healthy to have needs and that mature people make getting their needs met a priority. Sometimes I have to repeat this truth many times in order for it to sink in. For Nice Guys, having needs means being "needy," and needy represents a one-way ticket to abandonment.

I tell Nice Guys, "No one was put on this planet to meet your needs" (except their parents — and their job is done). I also remind them they weren't put on this planet to meet anyone else's needs (except those of their children).

This paradigm shift is always terrifying for recovering Nice Guys. The idea of making their needs a priority feels like the quickest route to being disliked, unloved, and all alone.

Whenever I challenge Nice Guys to focus on making their needs a priority, their responses are pretty predictable:

"People will get angry at me."

"People will think I'm selfish."

"I'll be alone."

"What if everyone lived this way?"

I then list the benefits for Nice Guys and the people around them when they begin to put themselves first:

● They increase the likelihood of getting what they need and want.

● They can give judiciously — giving what people really need.

● They can give without resentment and expectation.

● They become less needy.

● They become more attractive.

Most Nice Guys will really like the last benefit on the list. Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance are. Most folks are attracted to men who have a sense of self. Putting the self first doesn't drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life.

Taking Responsibility For Their Own Needs Helps Nice Guys Get Their Needs Met
In order for Nice Guys to get their needs met, they must begin to shift their core paradigms. This shift includes coming to believe:

● Having needs is part of being human.

● Mature people make meeting their own needs a priority.

● They can ask for help in meeting their needs in clear and direct ways.

● Other people really do want to help them meet their needs.

● This world is a place of abundance.

In order to get their needs met, recovering Nice Guys must do something radically different from what they have done previously. For Nice Guys, putting the self first is not just a suggestion to try on for size.

It is essential not only for getting needs met, but also for reclaiming personal power, feeling fully alive, and experiencing love and intimacy.

Interestingly enough, when Nice Guys take responsibility for their own needs and make them a priority, those around them benefit too. Gone are the covert contracts, the guessing games, the anger outbursts, and passive-aggressive behavior. Gone are the manipulation, the controlling behavior, and the resentment. I learned this lesson first-hand a few years back.

A holiday weekend was approaching and our kids were going to be out of town. I tried to plan some time with my wife Elizabeth, but she seemed ambivalent and unwilling to make a commitment to what she wanted to do. I felt frustrated and put my plans on hold. Finally, upon the urging of a friend, I decided to try putting myself first over the weekend. I made plans and invited my wife to join me if she felt inclined. I did several things I wanted, including spending some time with friends. As it turned out, Elizabeth decided to join me on a number of occasions. On Monday, she shared with me that she had thoroughly enjoyed the weekend and didn't want it to end.

A Challenge

In a session of one of my No More Mr. Nice Guy! men's groups, I challenged each of the group members to experiment with putting themselves first for at least a week. Though the challenge created tremendous anxiety for all of the men, each decided to accept it. The experiences of three of Lars, Reese, and Shane are presented below.

Lars

Lars, introduced at the beginning of the chapter, went home after the group and told his wife that he was going to make his needs a priority for the following week. She was initially resistant to his proclamation

— which added to his anxiety. To boost his courage, Lars called a couple of men in the group. Their encouragement gave him the support he needed to follow through with his commitment.

Lars decided to keep it simple. His plan for the week involved making time every day to go the gym and work out. Before his children were born, Lars had been physically active. The demands of job, home and children had put an end to that. Lars decided to alternate his workouts before and after work. When he shared his plan with his wife, she applied a little guilt. "That's not fair that you get to work out and I don't," she proclaimed. Lars was tempted to back down. He had an impulse to try to find a solution so his wife could work out too. Instead, he reflected her concern and told her he was going to work out anyway.

During his first couple of trips to the gym, Lars was overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety. Nevertheless, he persevered. After the third day, his wife actually asked him how his workout went. As the week continued, Lars began to feel more energized and optimistic about life. He started sleeping better. He enjoyed being around other people at the gym who were also taking good care of themselves.

Surprisingly, after his first week, his wife told him that he had inspired her to start taking better care of herself. She told him that she was going to start dropping the kids off at the daycare center at the gym and begin an aerobics class for herself.

Reese

Reese had joined the No More Mr. Nice Guy! group after his break-up with his last boyfriend. At first he had been uncomfortable being the only gay man in the group, but the other men accepted him and he had begun to work on developing non-sexual relationships with men.

Reese's habit on weekends was to go to out with his latest boyfriend to gay bars on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. By Monday morning, he was exhausted. He would spend the rest of the week playing catch up. Reese was afraid that if he didn't go out whenever his boyfriend wanted, his boyfriend would leave him.

Reese decided that for one weekend, he would put himself first and do what felt right to him. He told his boyfriend in advance. Reese decided that he would go out just one night, not drink, and be in by midnight. On Saturday, he made some plans to go to a movie with a couple of guys in the group. On Sunday he stayed at home to relax and get caught up on some house cleaning and laundry. His goal was to be in bed by 10:00 p.m. on Sunday evening.

When Monday came, Reese felt rested and clear headed at work. His boyfriend hadn't dropped him, and the rest of the week felt productive and enjoyable.

Shane

Shane, also introduced earlier in the chapter, liked to do things for his girlfriend. Shane regularly gave her gifts, planned surprises, and did whatever he could to help her out.

Shane's plan for putting himself first involved paying attention to when he had an impulse to do something for his girlfriend. Whenever he felt this impulse, he would instead do something for himself.

When he thought about washing her car, he washed his own instead. When he felt the urge to buy her a gift, he bought himself something instead. When he thought about calling her just to see if she was OK, he called a group member instead. All of this created tremendous anxiety for Shane.

Much to his surprise, at the end of the week Racquel reported she felt a lot less smothered by Shane and actually looked forward to spending time with him. She even called late one evening after the kids were in bed and invited him over to make love.

A couple of weeks later, Shane and Racquel talked about the change in a couples counseling session.

They decided to continue the process. For a period of six months they agreed that Shane would not give any gifts or plan any surprises for Racquel. During the following six months he refrained from giving her birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's cards or gifts. During this time he focused on taking better care of himself and getting his needs met.

In time Shane came to see that not only did Racquel not stop loving him, she actually became more giving to Shane. One year latter, they both reported that Shane could give a gift without using it as a way to get approval or affirmation. During this time, Shane had also learned that making his needs a priority made him less dependent, needy, and fearful. Both Shane and Racquel reported enjoying all the changes they had experienced since Shane made the decision to start putting himself first.

Making The Decision

Nice Guys have believed a myth that promises them that if they give up themselves and put others first, they will be loved and get their needs met. There is only one way to change this illogical, nonproductive Nice Guy paradigm —
putting themselves first.

Making the decision to put the self first is the hardest part. Actually doing it is relatively easy. When the Nice Guy puts himself first there is only one voice to consider — his own. Decisions are now made by one individual, rather than by a committee. He no longer has to mind read, predict, or try to please multiple voices with conflicting agendas. When putting himself first all the information he needs to make a decision is within him: "Is this what I want? Yes. Then that's what I'll do."

Breaking Free Activity #16

Make a decision to put yourself first for a weekend or even a whole week. Tell the people around
you what you are doing. Ask a friend to support you and encourage you in this process. Pay
attention to your initial anxiety. Pay attention to your tendency to revert to old patterns. At the
end of the time period, ask the people around you what it was like for them when you put yourself
first.

Remember, you don't have to do it perfectly. Just do it.

Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves taking responsibility for one's own needs. Others may cooperate with the Nice Guy, but they are not in charge of meeting his needs. By making their needs a priority and putting themselves first, recovering Nice Guys can come to see the world as a place of abundance. They can truly come to believe that their needs are important and there are people out there who are happy and willing to help them meet them.