No Ordinary Bloke (15 page)

Lucinda put my life into a tailspin. Was it karma for all my age jokes about Trey? Was I losing it now also? By the next morning, I’d resolved that I needed to see my doctor. I wasn’t going to lose my sex life just because I was older. If I needed drugs to get it up, then I’d get the drugs. I told myself there shouldn’t be any shame to it.

I scheduled the appointment for later that day, arriving fifteen minutes early. My doctor was Doctor Nelson to the rest of the world, but he was Geoffrey to me. I saw the guy more often than most. Given my sexual history, I was hyper-vigilant about testing four times a year for STDs and all that.

As I sat on the examination table in my undershirt and boxers, I kept telling myself that this would work and I’d have my dick back by the evening. If I wanted to I could even pay a call on Candy or Lucinda just to prove it to myself and them that I still had it.

When Geoffrey walked in, his head was down, studying my chart. He closed the door behind him. “Hello, David. How are you?”

“Good. Good. And you?”

“I can’t complain,” he said, looking again at my chart. “And what brings you here today? You didn’t answer the question on the form about your reason for today’s visit.” He chuckled. “So what are you here to complain about?”

I scowled and shook my head. “I can’t get it up, doc. It’s awful.”

“Really? You can’t achieve an erection?”

“Only sometimes.”

He nodded and took a seat where he could write on the counter. “Let’s start at the beginning. When was the last time you had sex?”

“I think it’s been two months now.”

Geoffrey was silent as he wrote, but the silence said it all. For me, that was a serious sign that something was wrong. “Have you been with women during this time and were unable to achieve an erection?”

“Yes. Twice.”

“Are you under stress at work or with your family?”

“No. Not any more than usual.” I sighed. “I think I’m getting old.”

“You’re a bit young to already be experiencing erectile dysfunction.”

“Then, what is it? Because, my God, this is killing me.”

He crossed his arms in thought. “Can you ever achieve an erection of any kind?”

“Well, yes…”

“When was the last time?”

“This morning.”

“So you woke up with an erection?”

“Always have.”

“And what happens then?”

I chuckled. “I take care of it.”

He nodded and wrote again. “So you masturbate daily, and do you ejaculate?”

“Yes.”

“Huh.” He turned to me and crossed his arms in thought. “Tell me more about what’s going on with you? You must be awfully busy with something not to be spending more time with women. Normally, you’ve been with quite a few during a two month period.”

“I know it’s strange.”

“So you haven’t even gone on any dates?”

“No, none.”

“So where have you been spending your time?”

“At work. Friends. The normal stuff.” I looked aside and said, “I’ve got one new female friend. We’ve spent some time together.”

“Tell me about her.”

“Her name is Allison. She’s an American. We met on a flight, and we’ve seen each other a few times.”

“Are you attracted to her?”

“Hell, yes.” I pointed to him. “You would be as well, and she’s a sweetheart. Unfortunately, she’s also got a boyfriend.”

“You say you’ve seen her. What does that mean?”

“We’ve just gone out platonically.”

“How so?”

“Well, we ate dinner together on the plane, we went to the zoo once, we went to a casino, we’ve had lunch, we’ve gone shopping, and a few days ago we went to the pub.”

“One second,” he said, holding up his hand. “You just told me you hadn’t been on any dates.”

“I haven’t.”

“Those sound like dates to me.”

“Nah.”

“David, dates don’t always mean sex.”

“Not for me.”

“Well, it sounds like you’ve been courting her whether you’ve known it or not.”

“Courting?” What century did he think we lived in? People didn’t court anymore, especially not me.

“Do you care for her?”

I was speechless for a moment. How could I formulate how I felt about Allison into words? “I…I think she’s extraordinary.”

“Do you want to date her? And I mean date in whatever definition you mean.”

“Fuck yes.”

“When you’re with her, do you want to be with any other women? Do you even notice them?”

“No.” I laughed. “Ain’t that amazing?”

“It is. She sounds very special.” He turned back to his chart, and rubbing his chin in thought, he chuckled. “I’m going to write you a prescription. I think this will take care of what’s ailing you.”

“Thank God.”

He scribbled onto a notepad and then handed a slip to me. Not wanting to face my own inadequacies, I didn’t even read it. I simply folded it in half and put it in my jacket. “Thanks, Geoffrey. I appreciate it.”

Twenty minutes later, I stood in the queue at the chemist, waiting to get my prescription filled. The line was long and slow, so I studied the latest football news on my phone. I was so immersed in it that I was a bit startled when I got to the counter. “Hello,” I said to the pharmacist.

“Hello,” she said, flatly. “Please give me your prescription.”

I fished the paper out of my pocket and handed it to her.

Taking it from me without a word, she sat on a stool by a computer to input the information. She opened the slip, read it, and then looked up at me. “Is this a joke?”

“No,” I said, placing my phone in my pocket. I leaned further into the counter, hoping no one would hear our discussion. She probably thought it was strange that a guy like me needed the little blue pills. I’d never had a chemist comment on my prescriptions before. “My doctor just wrote it for me.”

“Are you sure you handed me the right piece of paper?”

I became testy. “Yes, I did. You can fill the prescription.”

The woman stared at me and frowned. “There’s no reason to get upset with me. I’m only doing my job.”

“I’m sorry. Pardon me. It’s just that I’m late for work,” I lied.

“Well, I can’t fill your prescription.” She folded the paper and pushed it back to me. “I suggest you contact your doctor and discuss it.”

“That doesn’t seem right. I’d think this was a common drug.”

A sneaky smile crossed her face. “It is, but I can’t help you with it.”

I’d had my fill of bitchy pharmacists. “Ah, bugger.” I grabbed the prescription and stomped out.

When I got out to the street, I decided to read the prescription just to see if I could get someone else to fill it. If worse came to worst, I’d fill it online. I opened up the paper, read it, and immediately growled, “Wanker!”

Within in seconds, I had my phone to my ear, waiting for Geoffrey’s office to pick up. When they answered, I barked, “This is David Bates. I need to talk to Doctor Nelson now.”

“Oh, good. I believe he’s expecting your call.”

When Geoffrey answered, he didn’t even say hello. “I was wondering how long it would take you to call me.”

“I should report you to someone. I just handed this so-called prescription to the chemist.”

“You did not.”

“Oh, yes I fucking did.”

“David, is it really my fault that you didn’t read the prescription before you went to the chemist?”

“It’s fucking ridiculous! That’s what it is.” I stared down at the paper and read it aloud, “‘
Ask her out on a bloody real date
.’ What the fuck does that mean?”

“That was personal advice as a friend. If you don’t take it, then you should take my professional recommendation which is to go see a psychologist. I think you’ll be told the same thing, though you’ll be 200 quid poorer.”

“A psychologist?”

“You don’t have anything physically wrong with you.”

“How are you sure? You didn’t examine me.”

“David, you told me you’re masturbating every morning to ejaculation. Your penis is working fine. Does this girl Allison come to mind when you’re doing that?”

“Yes.”

“Then ask her out, damn it, and get on with it.”

Full of annoyance both at him and the world, I grumbled, “She has a boyfriend.”

“Oh fuck the boyfriend. You, of all people, should know how to get rid of one of those.”

I
bunked off work the rest of the day. After coming home, I took a beer from the fridge, stripped off my suit, sank into my sofa, and turned on the TV. But even a Liverpool/Chelsea match couldn’t deliver me from my funk.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of my jacket. Who knows what possessed me when I pulled out the now crumpled prescription. I read it once again, but this time rather than crumpling it up, I stared at the message one more time.

I grabbed my phone, wondering if I should text or call her. I decided a call would be better because it was less likely to be seen by Trey-boy. She picked up at once.

“Hello. David?” Her voice was curious.

“Hello, love. How are you?”

“I’m good. It’s still morning here. How are you?”

“Good. Thinking about you.”

“You’re sweet. I’ve thought about you, too. That was a really great afternoon.”

“It was. So when do I get to see you again?”

“Um. I don’t know. What’s your travel schedule?”

“I’m not due in New York again for a while.” I actually was needed there soon, but I didn’t want to see her there. Trey was in too close proximity in New York. I started sputtering off random cities and parts of the world hoping she would be near one of them soon. “The trips I have coming are in Asia, Mexico City, Europe, Rio, Dubai …I forget where else.”

“That’s a lot of travel. I’m not on the road that much right now. I’ve only got a trip to San Francisco in the next couple of weeks. It’s a long one, but at least it’s domestic so my body clock won’t be so out of whack.”

“San Francisco? Why? I thought you were only handling international offices.”

“I am, but we’re having a training, and it was cheaper to convene the meeting in San Francisco than anywhere else.”

“When will you be there?”

“Next week. I fly out on Monday and return on Friday.”

“Oh, I’m in LA then.” I told myself it wasn’t a lie because I’d just schedule a trip to make it so. “I could come up…” And then I finally said it, “For a date.”

“A date?” she asked curiously.

“A friendly date.”

“How friendly?”

“As friendly as you want it to be, love.”

“You do test me, don’t you?”

“Love, I’d like you even if you weren’t such a challenge.”

“Hrm. I don’t know about that.”

“I do. So what shall we do in San Francisco?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never spent much time there.”

“It’s a great town,” I said, thinking back to my previous trips. “It’s probably the most European of American cities besides New Orleans. Excellent food. Can you bunk off for an afternoon?”

“Can I what?”

“Bunk off. Skip out or something like that.”

“Ah, bunk off. It’s like playing hookie.”

“Now that always sounded naughty to me.”

“It’s playing hookie, not nookie.”

“Oh, too bad.” I chuckled “Regardless, can you find some time on afternoon? Or we could go out to dinner. Or we could do both.”

She laughed. “Let me see what I can do. A whole afternoon might be difficult.”

“We had fun the last time you took an afternoon off.”

“We did. How long are you in LA?”

“Dunno. I need to check with Declan.”

A few minutes later, we ended our call, and I immediately rang Declan. “We need to go to LA in next week.”

“We do?”