No Place Like Home (21 page)

CHAPTER ELEVEN

THE week crept by. She didn’t exactly expect to hear from Brendan, and he didn’t call. And though she would have liked to be brave enough not to care whether she saw him or not, she made a careful survey of the parking lot at the shopping plaza each day when she went to work, and breathed more easily when she didn’t see his car.

It will get easier,
she told herself.
The time will come when you don’t look for him anymore, and someday it won’t even matter to you when someone talks about him.

But as the days wore on, she found herself regretting more and more the sharp things she had said to him. In the long, lonely evenings at home, she couldn’t keep from going over and over that last conversation in her head.

She spent more time that week than she had in years reflecting on her father and the things that had made him what he was. He had been a dreamer, an impractical man caught in a prosaic world. Unable to deal with reality, he had fled from it, into one quixotic scheme after another. But never had he set out to hurt anyone. And though Kaye’s childhood had been deprived of material things, she had never been denied love.

She could not help but wonder, now that she knew herself how it felt to lose a loved one, how much her mother’s death had changed him. Had her mother been the practical one, the person who could have been his anchor? Once he had lost his love, had the rest been preordained?

And what of Kaye herself, and the man she loved? He was quixotic, too. Could she be an anchor for him— or would she ever have the chance to find out? Had the words she flung at him been too much for any man to stomach?

She had been hasty, and she had said things that hurt. But the man had made no move to see her or talk to her.

If he cared the least fraction about me,
she thought,
he would have called. He would have tried to explain.

Or at least he would have stopped by to pick up his damned books, she thought, giving the stack of house-for-sale publications a shove. They were still taking up space on her coffee table, and every time she looked at them it was like a thorn in her heart, a reminder of the precious hours when she had been certain that she mattered to him.

She tried to feel angry that he hadn’t even come to get the books. He must have a horribly guilty conscience, she told herself, if he would actually replace the books rather than face her to retrieve these. But all she could feel was sad.

“
It’s not crazy to think about him,” she told Omar. “I didn’t imagine all the good things about him—the gentleness, the fun. I accused him of being a playboy, but he wasn’t the one who dragged me into bed. He may have taken advantage of me, but I’m the one who gave him the chance. If I had kept my head, we’d have gone to dinner and back to the plane, and we wouldn’t have had that argument, and I’d still be seeing him now. Damn it, Omar. Why did I have to be such a fool?”

The cat put his head on her shoulder and purred. At least someone was happy these days, Kaye told herself.

Her words had to have cut Brendan deeply, she thought. She had held Graham up to him as the example of manliness, when she knew, deep in her heart, that a man who put his business first would not make much of a husband. She wanted more than that from the man she loved.

Was it any wonder he hadn’t even tried to talk to her? Her accusations had been designed to hurt, and she knew only too well how successful she must have been. Or, she thought, even worse – had what she said not mattered to him at all?

“
That’s beside the point. I’m going to have to apologize,” she told herself. “For my own peace of mind, I’ll have to tell him I’m sorry for a lot of what I said. Dammit, why couldn’t I fall neatly in love with Graham? He thinks the way I do!”

No, he doesn’t,
she reminded herself. Graham wanted a wife, a house, a family because those things were expected of a man in his position. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine Graham bathing a baby, or soothing a sick child, or listening to a teenager’s tale of injustice. He would have no patience to spare for problems like that; those irritations in life would all be delegated to his wife because the smooth running of his home would be strictly her concern.

Kaye started to giggle. “Graham doesn’t need a wife,” she said, “he needs a vice-president!”

Brendan, on the other hand, she thought, would be a different story. Her eyes grew soft at the thought of Brendan’s capable, beautiful hands dealing with an infant, just as surely as he had caressed her...

“
And that’s enough of that,” she reminded herself. Brendan McKenna might never stop moving long enough to find out what fatherhood was like. But that was really none of her business, Kaye told herself.

She could argue with herself till doomsday, but she still had an apology to make. It took her another full day to work up her courage, and on Saturday she gathered up his books and took them back to the real estate agency.

Cindy, the gorgeous brunette at the front desk, looked quizzically at Kaye, and then at the stack of books she carried.

“
These are Brendan’s,” Kaye said, in her best brisk and businesslike voice. “He loaned them to me, and I’m sure he’s been anxious to get them back.”

“
Oh, there’s no hurry.” The girl put her pencil between her teeth so she had both hands free to manage the heavy books. “I’ll put them in his office. Shall I have him call you?”

“
He isn’t in? I thought I saw his car.”
Dummy,
Kaye told herself.
You worked up your courage and plotted your act all out, but you weren’t even smart enough to make sure he was here!

“
No. Didn’t he tell you?” the girl added indistinctly, around the pencil.

“
Tell me what?” Kaye asked. There was a flutter of foreboding deep inside her. What had Brendan done now?

“
He’s in Wisconsin fishing this week. He left Wednesday afternoon. But I was sure he’d told all his clients.”

On Tuesday night, Kaye reflected, they’d been in Nassau. And Wednesday he’d gone fishing? He certainly hadn’t wasted any time in getting out of Henderson.

I wonder if he thought I might get a wrong impression if he stayed around. He might have thought I’d come back and beg for some more of his attention.

So much for the idea that her tirade might have hurt his feelings, she thought.
And I believed that he might actually have taken it seriously! I came in to apologize for what I said, and they tell me he was so unconcerned about it that he’s already off on another spree! Dear, sweet, selfish Brendan—

She was building up to an explosion, and the girl was watching her curiously.

There was no point in making a scene, Kaye decided. Brendan would be certain to hear about that, and her dignity demanded that she not give him the satisfaction.

She swallowed her anger and said, civilly, “I see. I’m no longer looking for a house, so I suppose that’s why he didn’t bother to let me know he was going out of town.”

The girl set the books on the shelf behind her desk and took the pencil out of her mouth. “Have you and Mr. Forrest found what you were looking for?”

“
Not exactly.” Her broken engagement was not a secret, but Kaye could see no reason to confide in Cindy.

“
If we can do anything for you...”

“
Thank you. I’ll keep it in mind.” Kaye started towards the door, and then turned. “Tell me. I don’t mean to be nosy, but doesn’t it bother anyone around here when Brendan just takes off like this?”

“
Why should it?” the girl asked. “He sold almost five million dollars’ worth of property last year. If he stayed around all the time, no one else in this office would ever sell anything.”

Kaye blinked.
Five million dollars?
He had certainly never said anything to her to indicate that sort of volume. But then, she realized, she had never asked, either.

“
Real estate is an odd field,” the girl went on. “You can work like fury and not sell a thing. It’s mostly a matter of trusting your instincts and learning to be in the right place, Brendan says. And being patient.”

“
Just like fishing,” Kaye said, with wry humor that stopped barely short of bitterness.

“
You might say that,” said the girl, thoughtfully. “Maybe I should learn to fish. It certainly seems to have worked for him.”

Kaye managed to get out of the office without showing her shock. So Brendan wasn’t exactly small fry himself, was he?

Not that it mattered, she told herself. He was still irresponsible, no matter how many lucky deals he had pulled off last year. A fishing trip to Wisconsin—in the middle of March, at that. She wondered what on earth he was fishing for. And she hoped he froze his toes off.

Enough,
she thought.
I’ve made my effort to apologize, and I’m done.

She wasn’t going to chase after a man who had made it quite plain that he didn’t want anything to do with her. It was time to pick herself up and go on living. She used to be quite happy without him, and she could be again.

Well, not exactly happy, perhaps. But she could be content with her life again...

No, I can’t,
she realized suddenly. Not after he’d moved in and thoroughly shook it up. If only he wouldn’t do that sort of thing all the time, she thought helplessly. Life with him would be something like living on a roller- coaster.

But at least I’d know I was alive,
she thought humbly. With Brendan, life would be a heady brew, rich and strong...

But she hadn’t been invited to share his life, she reminded herself. And even if there had been a hope of a life that included him, in any way at all, she had sacrificed it when she had flung those flesh-tearing words at him in the hotel lift in Nassau. She would simply have to live with the consequences.

*****

She took Nora Farrell to church on Sunday morning, and out to lunch afterwards – ignoring the warnings of her conscience, which said she was doing it for selfish reasons and not humanitarian ones. Why should Nora suffer because Brendan was out of town? she asked herself. If Nora wanted to talk about him, Kaye didn’t have to listen.

But Nora didn’t mention him, and by the time they were finished with lunch, Kaye’s nerves were screaming. Why had Nora been so silent about him, when before he had been her favorite subject? Was she angry at Brendan herself? Or had he asked her not to talk about him to Kaye?

Now you’re getting paranoid,
Kaye told herself in disgust.

On the way home, Nora asked diffidently, “Did Brendan understand when you told him about the key?”

“
Key?” Kaye asked absently. Then she caught herself. The key to Nora’s house still lay in the bottom of her handbag; it had made the trip to Nassau with her, and she had completely forgotten that she had intended to give it to Brendan.

Nevertheless, she concluded, with her brain working furiously, she didn’t dare admit that she still had the key, or Nora would probably ask to be taken to the house right now.

“
Of course he understood,” she said.
And now,
she reminded herself,
you’re a liar.
So she’d have to track Brendan down now, just to make sure he didn’t give her away next time he talked to Nora... Oh, how complicated a life of intrigue could get to be!

“
He didn’t say anything about it,” Nora said stubbornly.

“
I mean, I’m sure that he will understand. I didn’t give it to him myself, actually. I left it at his office. But he’d already gone to Wisconsin.”
And you, my girl,
she told herself,
are getting in deeper and deeper.

She dropped Nora off with a thankful sigh and turned towards the supermarket, because there were a few things she needed before she went home.
Some home,
she thought rebelliously.
Four walls and a cat, and no future at all.

Your future is what you make it, Kaye,
she reminded herself. She could keep on as she had been doing, or she could make some changes. For one thing, she could move. She could afford a larger apartment, in a little nicer neighborhood; it was just that before, she hadn’t wanted to put out the extra money. But if she was going to spend her life alone, she owed it to herself to have a place she liked. The balance in the savings passbook wasn’t the only measure of success.

She was a little surprised at the thought. Some of Brendan’s philosophy must have rubbed off, she thought. For the first time, she realized that being around him had already changed her. She had never in her life done anything so casually, or on such short notice, as she had since Brendan came into her life. A year ago, she would never have taken the Bahamas jaunt, even if the ticket had been dropped into her hand – because it would have been too sudden, and there would have been too many things that had to be done instead.

Well,
she thought, with a bit of humility,
perhaps I’ve gained something from the experience after all.

She found herself in front of Nora’s old house, without quite knowing how she had gotten there.
I wish I could walk through it again,
she thought,
in daylight, so I could really see it.

At night, all the glass had looked dull and blank, reflecting only the interior emptiness. Today, even though the sun was weak, the outside light pouring through the beveled and leaded windows would make it look like a different house.