Noah (29 page)

               Shalan

I’d gotten the
call when I was helping his mother with dishes. Shelly rang me to offer me a spot on a tour of Europe with a popular country band, who had a back up singer quit on them. She’d explained that this was common, especially during long tours where people were away from their families. For me it was easy. The tour would last for two months, with breaks in between cities. I was so excited that I’d accepted immediately. This was my chance to travel the world, and sing my heart out. If I impressed the company enough, I could speed up the process on my own album.

There was just one problem standing in my way.

Noah.

Since I’d arrived at the ranch he’d been amazing. I fell in love with his family, and treasured the perfect life that they had together. It was a life that I’d only ever dreamed of having.

I’d planned on telling Noah my news when we left dinner, but then he took me out to see that beautiful sky, and I got lost in the moment. The only thing more exciting than a record label was being in Noah’s arms. I know the two have nothing to do with one another, but in my eyes it felt equally as fulfilling.

Everything was fine until he started talking. Then I knew that my decision was going to tear him apart.

We’d talked about this. He knew this could happen for me. This was why we didn’t do labels. It just sucked that the moment we took that leap I’d get the chance of a lifetime.

“What do you have to sort out, darlin’? I thought we established things earlier.”

His smile had dissipated and I could see that his hope was failing. “Can we go back to your place? There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Tell me here. We’re all alone.”

“Please.” I needed the couple minutes it would take us to get back to decide how to tell him that I wasn’t staying. He’s planned our weekend out and I knew he was going to already be pissed. Now, on top of everything, I was going to be in another country for a long period of time. Shelly had told me on the phone that they didn’t just choose me for my singing. She said she needed someone they could count on to be gone for long periods of time. Since I told her I had no attachments, she assumed I was the perfect candidate.

Noah walked us back to the golf cart and we started driving back to his house. “You’re really not goin’ to talk to me until we get back?”

I wrapped my arm under his and nestled my head next to him. More than anything I wanted to tell him that I was in love with him. I’d known it for a while, but life got in the way. I was being selfish, I knew I was. Still, I couldn’t stop wanting to be with him. “It’s not about what you said in the field, Noah. I just need to tell you something important.”

He stopped the golf cart and turned toward me. “Are you pregnant?”

“What?” Shocked, I backed away. “Why would you think that?”

“We don’t exactly use protection anymore. I just assumed.”

“I’m not pregnant, at least I wasn’t the last time I checked. It’s not that at all, I promise.”

It was strange seeing such concern in Noah’s eyes. He was truly a strong man, and I hated that I was hurting him. It made me want to pack my bags and run away, just to avoid seeing the look in his eyes when he found out.

We pulled up to the house, but we weren’t alone. A strange car was in the driveway. Bella was standing on the porch yelling at a blonde who stood in front of the steps.

“You need to leave, Perry. I ain’t goin’ to tell you again. If I come down there, I’m goin’ to kick your pretty little ass.”
“You can’t tell me what to do. Noah needs to talk to me. He can’t keep doing this.”

“Fuck my life,” Noah mumbled. “Stay here. It’s dark enough she won’t see you.”

I grabbed his arm. “That’s your ex?”

“Unfortunately.”

Noah approached the woman, and talked low so I couldn’t hear what he was saying. For someone that had been cheated on and lied to, it rubbed me the wrong way. After Bella went back inside, I was just sitting there not knowing what was being said. When I couldn’t take it anymore I climbed off the golf cart and headed for the house. I just wanted to start packing my things up to go home. This was the last thing I needed in my life.

I reached the porch when I heard her speaking louder. “That’s her? That’s who you’re fuckin’ now? Did you just come from the willow tree?” She turned her attention to me. “Let me guess, he took you to see the stars? You aren’t the first, darlin’.” She mocked Noah.

“Cut it out, Per.”

“No, I’m done here.” She pointed to me. “You can have him. All he’ll do is make you fall in love with him while he’s fucking your sister. Good luck with that.”

I felt like all of the food I’d consumed was going to come rushing back up. Before she got into her car, I was already running inside of the house. Bella said something as I passed her and made a beeline for the bathroom, locking the door so that he couldn’t come in after me.

Noah was a liar and a cheater, just like the rest of them. It was probably why he didn’t tell his family about me. He kept secrets and I couldn’t handle that, especially after my last relationship.

The knock  on the door startled me. “Shalan, let me in.”

“Go away, Noah. I don’t have anything nice to say to you.”

“Please. I can explain. I swear it. It’s not what you’re thinkin’, darlin’.”

I put my face against the door as I screamed, “I’m not your fucking darlin’. This thing between us is over. You can either call me a cab or drive me to the airport yourself. Right now I don’t even care. I just want to get the hell away from you.”

I looked in the mirror and saw the makeup running down my face. Up until this moment I hadn’t even noticed that I was crying.

“Shalan, please. I don’t want you to leave.”

After my face was free of makeup I took a few deep breaths and opened the door. Noah was standing there looking as if he’d lost his best friend. For a moment I felt sorry for him, until I remembered what had just happened. “Save your story for the next girl you bring around. I refuse to deal with men like you, Noah. I’m just done.”

He grabbed my arm and I snatched it back away from him. “Don’t you fucking touch me. Don’t you ever touch me again.”

“You don’t mean this.” He grabbed my bag before I could reach for it. “I know you don’t. Shalan, you love me. I can feel it when we’re together.”

“Your dick can’t sense love, Noah. Give me my bag and let me go.”

He stared at me for a second, as if I was going to breakdown and change my mind. Then the bag fell free. I opened it and shoved my dirty clothes inside, feeling the belt that I hadn’t yet given him. I pulled it out and threw it towards him. “Here’s something to remember me by.”

I don’t know why I thought it was smart to walk out the door and head for the gates. It would take me days to get to the airport on foot, and Noah knew it. I heard his truck start up before I’d made it a quarter of a ways down the lane. He rolled down the window as he pulled up beside me. “I didn’t tell you about her sister because I knew you’d get mad. It’s not like you think. I would never do that to you. You’re different.”

I turned to look at him. “Do you know how many times I’ve heard that, Noah? I’m different? Well, I don’t really care what I am, because you know what? I’m done. I’m done with you and every other man on the planet. I’m tired of secrets. All this time I thought I’d learned everything about you. We said no secrets, and you held a huge one from me. How could I ever love someone like you?”

Noah put the truck in park and flew out the door. He chased me a good ways before he caught me and held me from behind. “I’m not lettin’ go until you calm the hell down and listen to me. Nothin’ has to change. Perry is an overdramatic bitch. She said that thing about the stars to get you angry. It’s not a secret place that I take women to. My whole family goes up there to watch the stars. Ask Bella if you don’t believe me. I just wanted to take you somewhere quiet to talk to you, that’s all.”

“Even if that part is the truth, there are still lies. You kept me from your family, and you slept with your girlfriend’s sister. What kind of man does that? Did you really not think about what that would do to their relationship?”

I was crying again, just imagining having a sister and my boyfriend sleeping with her. I thought my best friend was bad, but that tops it all.

“She came on to me. We were drinkin’ and it happened. I can’t take it back. It’s why I ended things with Perry. I couldn’t live with what I did. You have to believe me, Shalan.”

“I’m sorry, Noah. I just can’t.” Noah kissed the top of my head and finally let me go. I couldn’t look him in the eyes and show him how destroyed I felt. “Please, just take me to the airport. The sooner I’m home the better I’ll feel.”

Noah climbed into his truck and waited for me to get in. We drove the long trek in silence, and I said nothing as I hopped out and grabbed my bag. As I was walking away I could see the reflection of his truck in the glass door as I approached it. Noah had his head against the steering wheel like he was upset. Even if he was, it didn’t compare to the hurt I was feeling.

I sat alone in the airport all night long thinking about him. His touch, his smell, and the way he held me made it hurt so much worse. Noah had made me feel so good about myself. He’d given me hope when I thought I had nothing left. As much as I was mad at him, I felt devastated that this was our goodbye.

I would have liked to know what we could have been if the circumstances were different. I guessed now I never would.

                 Noah

How could things
go from being so right to so damn wrong?

I sat in my truck for a long time wondering how this had all came to be. I had her right where I wanted her. I could taste our future, and in the blink of an eye it was all gone. Shalan wanted nothing to do with me, and I didn’t know how I was going to fix it.

After I left her several messages unanswered, I headed home. My cousin shot out of her seat and wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so sorry, cuz. I tried to get her ass to leave before you got back.”

“It ain’t your fault, Bells. It’s mine for not bein’ honest
about a few things.”

Bella pulled away and looked me right in the eyes. I wasn’t in the mood to have her trying to figure out what was going on in my head. “You’re in love with that girl, Noah.  I can see it in your eyes. What the hell just happened?”

“I fucked up before I met her, and it’s somethin’ she’ll never be able to look past. My feelin’s don’t matter to her, not anymore. It’s over. It ain’t like it would have worked out anyway. I’m stuck on this fucking farm, and she’s got a fancy future ahead of her. Who would ever want to give up a chance to be famous to be here?”

Bells cocked her brow and shoved me. “Men are so stupid.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I watched her walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of whiskey.

“Here. Drink this and you’ll be able to sleep tonight without thinkin’ about it.”

I shoved the bottle back into her hand. “No. I’m fine.”

“Yeah,” she said sarcastically. “You look fine.”

“She’s just a girl. It was pussy. There’s plenty more where that came from.” I started to walk in the direction of my room, hoping that she’d shut up and leave it be.

“You keep tellin’ yourself that, but I know it’s not how you feel, Noah.”

A knock at the door made my stomach rattle. I rushed past my cousin to see if Shalan had somehow found her way back to me. That’s when I knew I was in bad shape.

My mother came in the kitchen. “Hey, Shalan forgot her sweater. I just found it tucked into the couch cushions. I thought she might need it in the morning in case it’s chilly.”

I grabbed the sweater and felt the fabric with my fingers. “She’s gone.”

“What? I thought she was staying until next week. We talked about her going to church with us in the morning and singing a song.”

I assumed she’d talked to my mother about church when they were cleaning up dinner. My cousin walked toward the kitchen door. “I’m just goin’ to go check on Gram and Lucy for a bit.”

My mother sat down and waited for me to do the same. “Noah, talk to me. I can tell something happened.”

This was probably where I should have told her everything was fine and it was my choice, but every single time I looked into my mom’s blue eyes I saw a woman that would give her own life for my happiness. She was my angel, and I couldn’t lie to her, especially about Shalan. “She’s gone.”

“Is this about the call she got when you were outside?”

“The call?” I shook my head. “She never mentioned it.”

My mom reached over and rubbed my arm. “Sweetie, I can tell you care a lot about her. Did you have a fight?”

I shrugged. “No. Not exactly. It was more like she had a revelation.”

“Noah, you can tell me anything. I’m not going to ever stop being your mother. You know that. We’ve been through enough for you to be able to trust that.” I had to stop looking into her eyes. She made me weak when I needed to be strong.

“I messed up with Perry. That’s where it all started. Things were alright between us. I mean, we were a good couple. When she went on that trip with her friends I went out and found her sister drunk. I tried to do the right thing by takin’ her home before she did somethin’ stupid. I meant well, I promise you I did.”

My mom covered her face with her hands. “Oh, Noah, tell me you didn’t sleep with her sister?”

I placed my palms up in the air. “It was a mistake, but it was one I couldn’t take back.” I looked away, knowing she was sitting in front of me judging the shit out of me. “I know you’re disappointed, because you didn’t raise me to be that kind of man.”

My mom had tears forming in her eyes. She nodded. “You’re right, you definitely know better, but-,” she paused for a minute. “We all make mistakes.”

“I tried to do the right thing with Perry after that. To spare her relationship with her sister, I ended things. I figured if I walked away then they could go on livin’ and bein’ sisters. I’d done enough harm.” I scratched my head and almost chuckled when I thought back to her sister walking in  blabbing that night. “Her sister came in during our breakup. I was mid-sentence and she thought I was confessin’ about us. Then she proceeded to stand there and apologize for sleepin’ with me.”

“You’re kidding?” My mom kept her hands over her mouth.

“Nope.” I let out an air-filled laugh imagining my piss-poor luck. “How about that for Karma?”

“Noah, I’m sorry that happened the way it did, but I don’t understand how any of this has to do with Shalan.”

“The night I met her, after ruinin’ your anniversary party, I basically had to rescue her from a terrible situation. She’d caught her boyfriend that she lived with, and her best friend havin’ sex. Her opinion regardin’ cheatin’ was pretty clear, so as we got to know one another on our first trip to New York, I kept what I’d done from her. Then tonight, when we got back from dinner, Perry showed up and proceeded to let Shalan know that I’d slept with her sister, and that there was no end to who’d I’d cheat with. That was it. She packed her things and told me she never wanted to see me again. I don’t blame her, really I don’t. It just sucks, because I’m pretty sure she was the one. Before you say somethin’, I already know we couldn’t have ever worked out. Her life is out on the road, while mine is here. Even if I left, all my roads end up back here. I’m tired of fightin’ dad on that. It just sucks knowin’ she hates me. I would have been good to her.”

My mom sat there, I guess trying to figure out what to say to me. She rattled her nails on the tabletop. “I wish she knew you the way that I do. She’d know that one man’s mistake doesn’t represent who he’s going to become. We live and learn, Noah. I can see that you’re sorry for what you did, and it’s a shame that Shalan had to catch her
boyfriend like that. I’ve been in her situation and know what that feels like. It takes a long time to get over that.”

“Like I said, it’s over with. She’s done, and I’m in no position to change her mind.”

My mother meant well, but talking about it was only making me more upset. I needed to be alone, so I could figure out the best way to get her out of my head. With the exception of her last trip we’d been talking every day, sometimes more than once. She’d become part of my normal routine, and it was going to be hard to get through the day without worrying about her, or wondering what she was doing. I was going to miss her sweet voice like crazy, and even the way she could say something so mundane and have me begging for more.

“Sometimes when you love something you have to let it go.”

“That’s a dumb sayin’ someone made up to make a person feel better.”

“No. It’s the truth. If Shalan didn’t care deeply for you, she wouldn’t have left so upset. She’s hurt and she needs time to heal. Just let her know that you’re not going anywhere.”

“Mom, I appreciate this talk, but I’m not givin’ up my man-card anymore than I already have today. I’m not goin’ to beg her. It ain’t happenin’.”

She raised her brow. “Just like your father.”

“Whatever. I am who I am.”

She stood up and looked down at me. “Noah,
sometimes it takes a man’s sensitivity to win back the woman he loves. The sooner you accept that, the better your life will be. I’ve never felt more in love with your father then the few times I’ve seen him cry. I know you say she’s moving on, but you’ve got this small window to make things right. Don’t wait until it’s too late for that.” She started to walk toward the door. “Oh, and about leaving the farm…It will be here when you get back, whenever that may be.”

She winked and left me sitting in the kitchen alone as she exited.

I just sat there for a while, thinking about the situation. Shalan didn’t trust me, and that hurt, but her writing me off was inconceivably hard. Even if she didn’t want to be with me, I at least needed her to know how I felt. She needed to know that I’d do anything to make it up to her.

An hour later, after a long shower to try to make myself feel better, I tried to call her. When she didn’t answer I just hung up, knowing a voicemail wasn’t going to help my case.

I sent her a message instead; one she could read whenever she was ready.

I’m already a mess without you, Shalan. Please call me so we can work this out. What happened was a terrible mistake. I’d never do that to you. - Noah

Two days went by before she responded.

How do you know that you’d never do that to me? I can’t trust you, and I feel like I don’t even know you. It’s best if we stop talking. It was fun, but I’ve got to focus on my career now. - Shalan

They weren’t the words that I wanted to hear. She was definitely done with me, and I hated knowing it. All of my feelings were a jumbled up mess. I wasn’t sleeping, and even my mother’s food couldn’t make me want to eat. This woman had me messed up in ways I never thought possible.

I knew it was going to be a mistake, but after waiting a whole day to respond, I sent her one last message figuring she wouldn’t reply.

I wish you the best with your career. I know you’ll be a star. You deserve happiness, and I hope you find it. I can’t wait to hear that beautiful voice on the radio. It’s going to happen for you. – Noah

Immediately she responded back.

Thank you. I’ll never forget how I got here, even if it didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I’m glad I met you, Noah Mitchell. Take care of yourself.
- Shalan

I traced her words on my phone, knowing this was her final goodbye. It got me so upset that I had to go duck into a pole building to calm down. I didn’t want anyone seeing me so discombobulated over a woman. I’d never hear the end of it.

After a full days work I still wasn’t able to come to grips with Shalan’s goodbye. Once I got cleaned up I laid on my bed and thought about the way her skin felt to touch, and the way her smile always made me smile back. I thought about that voice of hers that got me every time.

Knowing that I had to make peace with the situation and move on with my life, I picked up my phone and did something I knew I’d probably come to regret.

I love you. – Noah

After hitting send I tossed my phone across the room and it shattered into pieces. Those three words were only going to piss her off, and at this point it wasn’t going to do me any good.  We’d met unexpectedly and ended the same way. I had to live with that now, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to change it.