Nobody Loves a Bigfoot Like a Bigfoot Babe (10 page)

AT ABOUT THE SAME TIME Willis and Merlot got nothing during the interrogation, Olaaa sat on her haunches at the edge of a small clearing in the woods, eating from a piece of bark full of wild berries. She allowed the afternoon sun to bathe her in its warmth, exaggerating the beautiful dapples of gold in her fine hair. Behind her right ear she wore a white dog rose indicating she was in love.

Olaaa bleated, "wooooooo-wooooooo —wooooooo."

* * *

GRIZZLE-FACED BOB and Chuck, the two hunters last seen at Annie's Diner, were dressed in army fatigues and peaked caps and wore green face paint. They cautiously walked up to the edge of the same clearing with their rifles at the ready.

As yet, they were unaware that a Bigfoot was nearby. Their army fatigues were covered with foliage to further camouflage them, as if an animal wouldn't think it strange seeing a bush walking through the forest.

The hunters didn't speak to each other, only signaling with hand movements in a military style. They didn't want to be heard by any unsuspecting creature that might be within range of their rifles. Only the sound of undergrowth being snapped beneath their sturdy boots gave their presence away.

THE SOUND OF UNDERGROWTH snapping should have alerted Olaaa—she knew to be wary of pale ones, but Olaaa was distracted with her feast of berries and thoughts of her plaything.

She was in love for the first time in her life, and it had to be with a pale one. Poor Olaaa had no choice really for there was only one adult male to ten adult females in Olaaa's Bigfoot pride-of which, Olaaa would soon make an 11th adult female. Olaaa's desperate eye had strayed outside her own species, but to mate with a pale one was forbidden. She went about her business, happy in the knowledge that she had found her perfect mate in her beautiful Boo. The trick was to keep him a secret.

Olaaa mewed, "wooooooo-wooooooo-wooooooo."

BOB AND CHUCK stealthily avoided as many twigs as possible as they skirted the edge of the clearing, and homed in on the strange animal noise that sounded more like an eagle owl than anything else.

TEEELAAA SQUATTED on her haunches eating bright red berries, not too far from the same clearing.

She sniffed the air and giggled as only a Bigfoot could, "Sfsfsfsfsfsfs."

Crouched out of sight was Maaawooo, a massive, muscular, seven-foot-tall, Bigfoot with greasy, slick black hair. It was quite apparent Maaawooo was rampant for Teeelaaa's ripeness, blatantly on offer. His overly eager thruster frantically twitched for the most beautiful of all Bigfoot babes. Maaawooo called out, "wooooooooo-wooooooo."

Teeelaaa heard the call and replied, "Woooooooeeeeeoooo." She excitedly rubbed a handful of berries over her moist lower regions.

Maaawooo grabbed a handful of berries from a bush and rushed off to Teeelaaa. He burst through the thickets and did a kind of Bigfoot Boogie around his mate-more like a salsa. Maaawooo held out a palm full of red berries and moved his hips from side to side in a provocative manner-thus revealing his rampantly large, bright pink thruster, indicating his desire to mate.

Teeelaaa looked at his chubby and giggled, "Sfsfsfsfsfsfsfsf."

She hesitated to accept his gift. Sometimes she liked to play hard to get, just to tease Maaawooo.

"Weeeeooooeeee," she bleated submissively.

Maaawooo began to push his groin forward, causing his thruster to swing slightly from side to side.

Teeelaaa smiled flirtatiously, taking the berries from his hand. She started to back slowly away, taunting him with her dark blue eyes. She shook her head no. She was still playing hard to get, slapping away Maaawooo's awkward grasps at her swinging suckle-bumps.

OLAAA FELT THE URGE to doodoo. She tossed the bark aside, dug a deep enough hole, and squatted over it. After a few strains of the hips, Olaaa had finished her business. She pushed the loose earth back over the two foot dropping then walked into the meadow. She sat down and slid across the grass to wipe her bottom from leftover doodoo. At that moment her nostrils began to twitch as her olfactory senses detected the foul stink of strange pale ones. She took a big sniff. It wasn't Duane. He had a familiar scent that she had become accustomed to, not unlike her own. This odor was unfamiliar and dangerous. She knew she was in danger.

She jumped to her feet, screeching, "Eeeeeeeeee!"

Her hair prickled and fluffed up, making her seem twice her size. In fear for her life, Olaaa ran from the edge of the clearing and back into the welcome embrace of the forest.

BOB AND CHUCK stood up in total surprise. They both knew what would happen if they bagged a Bigfoot-they'd be rich and famous.

The hunters opened fire at the sight of the fleeing Bigfoot, without any thought to the ramifications of depriving the scientific community of investigating a living example of a species hitherto deemed nonexistent. Thankfully, bullets splintered saplings all around the Bigfoot as it made good its escape.

OLAAA FELT A SHARP pain in her shoulder as a bullet found its mark. Olaaa gave a shrill cry, "Eeeeeeeeeeee."

She was very afraid now. Her heart pounded as she ran for her life. Tears filled her eyes. She didn't want to be shot at any more, but more bullets zinged past her.

"Eeeeeeee," Olaaa screamed, smashing through the forest, ignoring her injured shoulder and thorns from brambles that ripped clumps of hair from her body.

* * *

TEEELAAA WAS FINALLY READY. She got down on all fours and put her face to the grass, lifting her buttocks for Maaawooo to get an eyeful of moist, red nether regions.

With wild abandonment, Maaawooo tossed his berries away then slammed his twitching pink, thruster deep into Teeelaaa's quivering ripeness.

"Wooooooooo-wooooooo-woooooo," he bleated with every thrust.

"Woooooeeeeeooooo-woooooeeeeeooooo," Teeelaaa bleated in unison to Maaawooo's thrusting hips.

Teeelaaa suddenly rolled to her side, almost twisting Maaawooo's love member off as she heard Olaaa's cries and gunshots.

Maaawooo clutched his thruster which had twisted like a corkscrew and screamed, "Eeeeeooooeeee."

Olaaa's calls of danger echoed through the forest, followed by more rifle fire.

In a panic, Teeelaaa grabbed hold of Maaawooo's arm, "Eeeeeeee."

The Bigfoot lovers' hair puffed out with alarm. They ran off into the woods in the direction of familiar swirling smoke drifting from the tree tops.

THE HUNTERS HOLLERED and whooped with joy. Bob and Chuck tracked the obvious Bigfoot signs through the dense undergrowth. Bob lifted his fingers. Bigfoot blood!

Chuck was excited, "Jeez, Bob, we're gonna be so fucking rich."

Bob agreed, "Oh yeah. Come on, let's finish the job."

DUANE HEARD THE DREADFUL SOUND of gunshots. He was relaxing on the sofa, wearing his tartan long-johns and reading that week's TV guide, even though he didn't have a TV as his home had no electricity. He just liked to keep up on celebrity gossip.

He felt a sudden rush of panic and dread at the sound of the gunshots. He tossed the magazine onto the floor and got up off the sofa in one agile, fluid movement as he heard frantic Bigfoot panic cries.

"Eeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeee."

He rushed over to the side cabinet situated next to the cabin door. His rifle was beside the cabinet, propped against the wall. He checked the breach. It was loaded. His hands trembled as he held the hated thing. There was anguish in his eyes.

At the sound of another gunshot followed by more Bigfoot screams, Duane flung open the cabin door and stepped out onto the porch to determine from what direction the shots were coming.

OLAAA LOOKED UP to see the friendly swirls of smoke from Duane's cabin. Safety was so very close.
Bang!
Another bullet snapped a sapling less than an inch from her.

"Eeeeeeeee!" She crashed through the undergrowth towards the safety of Duane's cabin. She mewed as the hunters were getting closer.

Olaaa let out a loud desperate cry, "Eeeeeaaaaoooooeeeeaaaoooooeeee."

A fearful Teeelaaa and Maaawooo joined her as they fled from the danger of the hunters. The three Bigfoot ran through the undergrowth, treading heavily, causing twigs and branches to break in their path, leaving an easy trail to follow.

THE HUNTERS' PACE had slowed. They were both winded and had lost sight of their Bigfoot. They faltered and looked at each other.

Bob scanned the woods around him looking for any sign of Bigfoot. He listened. He frowned.

"It looked real to me . . . but what if it was old Duane-o?"

Chuck nodded his head no, "Nah, couldn't be Duane-o. He don't make that sound when he's been shot."

Bob thought about that for a while. "True . . . when we shot the fucker last year he just screamed his balls off and shouted for us to stop shooting him."

Chuck chuckled, "Yeah, what a cry baby . . . we only nicked him some."

Bob grimaced with another thought. "Yeah, but if it was Duane-o then it sure as fuck wasn't a Bigfoot. We won't get nothing displaying that dumbass to anyone, even in his Bigfoot getup."

Chuck urged, "Come on Bob . . . better go see what we hit."

DUANE RAN IN THE direction of the Bigfoot's cries for help. He could clearly hear the crash of undergrowth heading towards him. He hoped the hunters weren't too close behind his friends.

Duane was knocked on his back as Olaaa crashed into him from a dense thicket. He gasped for air, making a gurgling sound. He saw Teeelaaa and Maaawooo emerge a few strides behind Olaaa. All were in a high state of panic with their hair ruffled and rippling. With eyes wide with terror, the Bigfoot desperately looked at Duane for help and protection.

They mewed pathetically, "Weeeeoooeee-aaaaeeeoooo-aaaaeee."

Duane's lungs returned to normal. He gulped down much-needed air.

Maaawooo hauled him to his feet and pointed to Olaaa's shoulder wound which was trickling blood.

Olaaa whimpered in pain, "Eeeeeeoooooeeeeeaaaa."

In between gasping for breath, Duane urged them all with a hand, and in a high-pitched kitten voice, "This way . . . come on."

Not wasting any time, he led the frightened Bigfoot in the direction of his cabin where he hoped they would be safe from whoever was shooting at them.

ONCE INSIDE THE CABIN, Duane opened the basement trapdoor in the living area, and ushered the three Bigfoot down. He rushed around the cabin, bolting all the doors and slamming shut all the shutters to the windows to prevent curious eyes from discovering his big secret.

Duane stepped down into the basement. Massive, rough cut logs propped up the basement ceiling. One would think that a little excessive, but he had his reasons.

"You safe now," he said in a soft tone, trying to calm the frantic Bigfoot by hugging them.

But all three Bigfoot were still in a high state of panic, looking around with desperate eyes and ears twitching for danger sign. Their hair was still bristled and fluffed up.

Olaaa pointed to the blood on her shoulder. "Eeeeaaaa," she whimpered with tears of pain.

Duane looked at the injured Bigfoot's shoulder and saw the tears in her eyes.

"Good girl, Olaaa," he said comfortingly patting her head. "There, there. Who's my brave girl?" He inspected the wound and smiled. It wasn't serious, just a minor scratch.

Duane was a sucker for Olaaa's pity-me look with those big blue eyes. He smiled sadly as she shrugged her shoulders and touched the wound. Her eyes rolled at the sight of blood on her fingers.

"Eeeeeeee!"

Duane had to make Olaaa understand the injury wasn't serious. He smiled and pointed at Olaaa's shoulder, doing a silly jig and laughing.

"Good girl, Olaaa."

Duane was relieved to see the look of understanding coming from Olaaa as she cocked her head to one side.

Olaaa gave a faint smile, bleating, "woooo-eeee-oooo."

Duane patted her head and kissed her snout. He looked at Teeelaaa and Maaawooo holding hands and smiled reassuringly to them. He walked over to a massive cupboard and opened the door. He disappeared inside the walk-in cupboard for a few moments then came back out with a bottle of antiseptic and a wad of cotton. He opened the bottle as he hurried over to Olaaa.

He dabbed antiseptic on the cotton and pressed it gently to Olaaa's shoulder.

Olaaa's eyes shot wide open. She winced in pain, "Eeeeeeee." She wrinkled her nose at the smell of the antiseptic. She exclaimed, nasally, "Ftftftftft!" She spat nasally with disgust. Her hair fluffed up.

Duane smiled comfortingly and patted Olaaa's head. "Good girl, Olaaa . . . good Olaaa."

Olaaa relaxed as her hair flattened and forced a brave smile, revealing her yellow teeth.

Teeelaaa and Maaawooo sensed Olaaa's relief. They too relaxed their hair.

Both Bigfoot mewed, "Oooooeeeeeoooo." They patted Olaaa's head.

After some moments, Duane stopped administering to Olaaa's wound. He smiled at all three Bigfoot.

"You stay here," he said pointing to the floor of the basement. "You safe here." Duane hugged himself to indicate safety.

The Bigfoot looked at each other then directly at Duane. They shook their heads no and looked fearful for they did not want to be left alone, nor did they want to be shot at by the hunters again. All three fluffed up their hair in fright.

Duane wasn't to be swayed. He knew what he had to do. This wasn't the first time a Bigfoot had been shot by a hunter. He had to do something drastic.

"I go," Duane insisted, pointing to the stairs.

Teeelaaa grabbed hold of his arm and shook her head, "Eeeeeeee."

"Please, Teeelaaa, I must go," Duane pleaded, trying to pull away from her firm hold, but she held him in her strong hands.

It dawned on Duane that the Bigfoot were afraid for his safety, too. So was he, come to think of it. He was reminded of one of MB's Old Indian legends-A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. This was one of those times when he had to do what was necessary. He had to get mano-a-mano with those hunters. Get mean if necessary. Give them a taste of their own medicine.

That was when Duane froze.

A loud hammering came from the front door, followed by, "Anyone home?"

Duane put a finger to his mouth and shook his head no to the three Bigfoot. He scratched his butt as he tried to think who the voice belonged to. He tried to put a face to the voice, but his state of panic wouldn't let him. Then it dawned on him-the Feds! Willis! He had to see his best friend, but now was not the time, not with three frightened Bigfoot in his basement.
Fuck it!

BOTH FBI AGENTS waited for a reply at Duane's front door. They split up. Willis walked around one side of the cabin and Merlot the other side. Each agent stopped and peered through cracks in the shutters with hands shielding the light. They met at the front door.

Merlot shrugged, "Guess he's out."

Willis grunted a reply and walked back to their car.

BOB AND CHUCK crouched in the undergrowth at the edge of the forest, watching the FBI agents.

Bob whispered to Chuck, "Shit, the Feds . . . let's get the fuck outta here."

Both hunters crept back into the forest.

DUANE HEARD THE CAR'S engine being turned over and driving off. He wondered when he would see Willis and give him a big hug and a kiss. He waited for a respectably long moment while comforting all three Bigfoot with strokes and pats to the head.